Welcome back everyone! Thank you again for reading, favoriting, following, and reviewing. Special thank you to GatewayToGehenna and M4rcelin4 for their lovely and reassuring reviews to my request for chapter 10, I really appreciate it. :) I don't have classes on Fridays (it's a first but I am not going to complain), so I think I will update the story every Friday from now on. Also, I already have ideas for a sequel for this but I haven't started it so I wouldn't lose focus on this. How would you guys feel about a 21st century reincarnation AU?

Notes on this chapter: The italicized section is a flashback, I thought it would be a good thing to explain how Aina/Serena actually took the Innocence spear. I really hope the name change doesn't confuse you all too much, it was needed. I also very much enjoyed writing the part with Lavi, he is so hot when he is acting all heartless. I try to keep the humor and the angst in balance, but it tends to slip towards the angst and deep conversations. I can't help it, but I will try to be funnier in the future.

Warnings: mild swearing and sexual themes. Sorry, you will have to wait for the truly naughty thing a little bit more.

P.S.: I always write while listening to music, it helps me feel things deeper and so convey my message better, and I have been meaning to post what song I was listening. Most of the time, I put one on repeat so I don't lose 'the feels'. So here it is:

Evanescence - Everybody's fool

Chapter 11: Soldiers of God

I told myself that I was drunk, I had to be, there could be no other reason why I would react to him like this. Except that it wasn't the alcohol, it was he who made me feel intoxicated. His sweet scent, his strong grip on my thigh, his lips on my neck, his soft but oh so inappropriate whispers in my ear made my body tremble as I was swallowed up by my own desire. Once we were at the poker table it was too easy to play drunk, to deceive those people with our meretricious flirting, to feel his hand between my thighs, and to play the courtesan for him. My mind knew it was just a game but that didn't stop my body from reacting to his hungry attention. I really needed it to stop if I was ever going to be able to separate my own desires from what I let Serena feel, I had to focus on what was more important: winning this goddamn war. If I survived, I would be able to life my life as I wish, without the Order lurking to use me for their own scientific experiments. Using my power during this past mission was so thrilling, I could not help myself going through my memories over and over again to relive that feeling.

The first person I saw when I woke up was Bookman, he was sitting next to me and watching the fight. Thank God, he didn't try to pull some shit with his creepy needles, I would rather get pierced through by an Akuma again.

"It was time you finally woke up," he said sharply but didn't look at me. "You need to secure the Innocence without being seen. I believe you can do that."

"What if I cannot hold it up for that long?" I asked, he clearly didn't understand that it wasn't as easy anymore.

"The side effects of the illusion have probably already worn off, there is nothing that is suppressing your Innocence anymore. Although you lost your physical strength, it is not what keeps your powers in check." I was confused and I didn't like to be lectured about my own power. "You and your Innocence are one, which means that your emotions are just as important in controlling it. You don't lose control because your body is too weak, it is your own fear that is holding you back."

All this time, all those years, I was taught that my Innocence was supposed to be feared because I had no chance of controlling it. However, Bookman was implying something very different, something that made my blood boil on the spot. They made me train all day every day so I wouldn't learn to control it? I wasn't even surprised; they couldn't lock me up because they needed my blood and because they were scared of me, it was safer for them to make me fear my own power and to distract me with physical training. Was Bookman really telling the truth? Was it really my own fear holding me back?

"You really believe that? Even after knowing what happened in the past?" I asked in disbelief and he finally looked at me.

"It doesn't matter what I believe," he answered slowly. "What matters is whether you believe that God gave you this power for a reason: to do good, to cleanse the world from the Akumas. You are an Accommodator, Serena, you were born to master your power."

He was right and it made me feel extremely embarrassed. It was one thing that I hid the true power of my Innocence so I would be able to uncover the purpose of the illusion once I find Marian, but deep inside I was grateful that I didn't have to use it anymore. Indeed, I was terrified of myself and of what I might do and that fear was exactly what was causing me to lose control. It was a vicious circle that I had to break if I ever truly wanted to get rid of the darkness in my past. I rose from the ground and let out a deep sigh and tried to clear my head to only focus on the light around me. Here goes nothing.

"Do you see me?" I asked and Bookman smiled at me knowingly. I was invisible to his eyes because I bent the light around my body, creating the illusion of invisibility.

I didn't know how long I could hold it up, so I quickly rushed to the glass case and opened it from the back. Everyone was fighting on the other side of it, so there was no way they could see it opening. When I touched the spear, I could feel the Innocence's energy interact with mine and for a second I thought it was going to push me back as it did to others. A few seconds later, however, it calmed down and I was able to remove it from the case. I bent the light around it so people wouldn't see the spear flying in the air, and I ran out to the hallway. The hotel's guards were out there but I pushed myself through them, not caring about their surprised screams about a ghost. I ran all the way to the inn but half way through I lost my cover, I didn't have any more energy to hold it up. When I got back to the room, I immediately rushed to the bathroom and collapsed on the toilet seat. My throat burned and I threw up everything that my stomach contained.

I did it. I managed to control my power the whole time and I was able to secure the new Innocence, thus completing the mission. Something was troubling me though: the very first time in my life I actually cared about the outcome and I even worried about the Exorcists that were left behind. Why these feelings? I had to put an end to it, attachments to them would serve me no good. However, somehow I still felt extremely proud of my performance, even though I couldn't ignore my burning hatred towards the Order that was still very much present inside me. I was absolutely torn between my hatred towards them and my growing liking for this small group of Exorcists, who showed me a completely new side of the organization. Even Bookman, the impartial observer, helped me to see the truth so I could truly help them out.

Was I starting to confuse the need to take care of their injuries with actual caring? A pair of silver eyes floated into my consciousness and I felt like throwing up again. No, I wished my nausea was caused by the dislike for the white-haired boy but I would be lying to myself. I was disgusted by myself, by my own lies and hidden desires, and by the fact that I was starting to like being Serena, this pitiful person that I created. The idea of telling them the truth crossed my mind again, but I knew that I could never do that. As Bookman told me, I was now a traitor to the Order, who was believed to be dead, and that should stay that way. I could not live my life that way again, locked up and used as a blood bag anymore, I would rather die. No, I had to meet Marian and hope that his plan for locking me up didn't end with me returning to the Order. In the meantime, I had to make sure that these Exorcists didn't suspect anything and blow my cover before the time was right. I wondered how they would react to the truth, probably not too well. Learning that I was not only a fraud but a traitor too would most definitely not sit well with them since they were truly loyal to the Black Order.

It had been a while since Lenalee's breathing became rhythmical and she was now in deep slumber. I, on the other hand, failed to fall asleep and my fatigue was completely gone, especially after I showered and changed. Sometimes, I really hated how fast my body recovered, not allowing me to escape my thoughts and flee into sleep. I sighed and got up from the bed, I could not stay in this room anymore. Since we didn't eat at the poker venue and I used my Innocence for quite a while, I realized how hungry I really was. It was probably because of the newly healed wounds on my stomach that I didn't notice how famished I felt. I closed the door behind me quietly and I swiftly made my way into the kitchen, hoping that I would find some leftovers from dinner. Unfortunately, that was not what I found.

"You really are everywhere," I said as I stepped into the kitchen which clearly startled Allen, since he dropped the sandwich that was in his hands.

"That was a perfectly good sandwich," he sighed with sadness. "What are you doing here?"

"What might one wish to find in a kitchen?" I asked sarcastically and walked to the pantry. "Is there anything to eat?"

"That sandwich was," he said with a cheeky smile. He was not going let go of the loss of his meal easy.

"I am sure you can make yourself another one," I replied unenthusiastically and he just let out an annoyed sigh. "Are you really going to whine like a little kid?" It was my turn to send him a cheeky smile which made him snort angrily.

"I was hoping you would make me one," he said, coming dangerously close to me. He lifted my head up with two fingers to force me to look into his pleading silver eyes and I couldn't believe that he was trying to flirt a damn sandwich out of me.

"Dream on, beansprout," I answered sharply, ignoring my burning skin where he touched me. I pushed his hand out of the way and looked around the kitchen to find something that didn't require any preparation. I felt a big smile appear on my lips when I noticed a rather large cake hiding in the darkness. I rushed over there excitedly and brought the cake back to the table, trying to hide it by putting my body between Allen and the dessert.

"I know you're hiding something," he accused me angrily which only made me laugh. I stepped aside to find a fork and he immediately appeared next to the cake. "You owe me for my sandwich."

"Fine. Knock yourself out." I threw a fork to him and he didn't hesitate, he immediately dug his utensil into the perfect chocolate icing.

"This is good," he said with his mouth still full which made me laugh again. He was like a little kid who just tasted chocolate for the first time. Not surprisingly, the cake was gone in a few minutes and we both let out a satisfied sigh.

"You have chocolate on your face," I said and I reached for it to wipe it off with my thumb. I was going to clean it with a napkin but he was faster; he caught my hand and his lips locked on my fingers to lick off the sweet cream. Watching him do that made me feel like someone punched me in the stomach, I felt the air escape me and my stomach shrank two sizes. Oh, God, he was sexy. Again. It needed to stop, right there. Despite knowing how dangerous it was, I just stared at him, drinking up the view of him with my thumb in his mouth, and I felt my body burn again. "What are you doing?"

"I am finishing what we have started," he answered simply. Still frozen like an idiot, I didn't even resist when he pulled me closer by my hand and put it around his neck. His warm body was pressed against mine and I could feel his sweet breath on my skin again, and I found myself unable to push him away. My eyes wondered from those silver orbs to his soft lips that I knew too well already, and I felt all common sense leave my mind. In the back of my head I heard it yelling that I should stop now before I go too deep, but I knew I was already drowning in him.

"Don't…" I begged with the last bit of will-power that I could collect. "Allen, we can't."

"Are you worried that I'd get attached? Because I'm so goody-good, as you said?" He retorted, his voice cold as ever. I had never thought he would get attached, no, not to someone like me. Allen was good, he wanted to save me from my own anger, not to love me. I was also an outlet for his dark desires which I was certain he could satisfy somewhere else. Being Marian's apprentice I was sure he didn't pick up his sex skills with an innocent town girl.

"To me? No, not like that," I replied calmly, shaking my head. "You want to make up for what the Black Order did to me. Don't try to pay someone else's debt, Allen."

"I am done paying other people's debts, trust me." His voice was still utterly cold and his eyes showed no emotion. "Are you scared your heart might not be as cold as you thought it was?"

"It is not about hearts, friendships, emotions, or even attachments. It is about human nature and its tendency to empathize with those around you, like you do, even if you don't want to admit it." I stepped back as I spoke until the edge of the table stopped me. His expression was still blank but his eyes softened with guilt. "When that Akuma pierced through my body, you and Lenalee forgot everything and came to my aid. If I had known that was going to happen, I would have never told you about my past. I only did so you would understand why I want to stay hidden. And this between us, doesn't just let you forget about the burden on your shoulders, it makes me useful in your eyes for something other than defeating the Akumas and the Earl. I am a soldier of God, so are you, and you cannot empathize with my past, nor can you see me as a tool other than one for war."

Allen didn't answer me immediately, he just kept staring at me panting from my outburst. His previously blank expression was filled with a multitude of emotions that I didn't want to understand. Even if I tried, however, I still couldn't have ignored the most striking one: pity. After all that I had just said, he pitied me above everything else.

"We are not soldiers or murderers, we are saviors," he said finally and stepped dangerously close to me again. "How could you win the war if you only thought of yourself as a tool?"

"Saviors are not expendable, we are. Are you saving me, Allen?" I hissed at him cruelly but he didn't even flinch. "No, you are only saving yourself because you cannot stand looking at me. You cannot bear the sight of someone who doesn't agree with your idealistic world view, who has accepted the world for the rotten place it is, and who does not want to be saved. I don't need you to pretend that you can fill the void in my heart because it does not exist. Even when you think you are doing something wrong with me, you are still trying to repair what is broken inside me. Why do you fight it? Why do you feel the need to prove that you are not good?"

"You are right," he said quietly and I couldn't hide the shocked expression on my face. A faint smile appeared on his lips as he looked down to me and lifted my face with two of his fingers. "And so wrong at the same time. I could never see you as a tool because no matter what I do to you, you will remain a person in my eyes. That is why you are worth saving, this is why I caught you when the Akuma threw you aside like a piece of trash. I am an Exorcist, a savior for humanity and it is my duty to save you no matter what. Sometimes I forget that it is easy to me to understand this because I am the only one who can see the Akumas' souls. I witness it every time when they break their chains to move on to the afterlife where they belong. That is more than being a soldier, it has to be. But you are right, maybe a part of me does want to save you because you remind me of myself. That's very selfish, isn't it?"

"You are wasting your time," I stated it angrily. "We are nothing alike."

"That all-consuming fury that is inside you is something I can understand. Not being looked at for who I am is another I am very familiar with." Allen slowly caressed my chin, refusing to let go of me and I wasn't sure anymore that I wanted to be let go. For the first time, I felt like he was really showing his true colors despite knowing that I would not like what I hear. I had seen many different sides to him but this was different, this time he really was honest about his place in the world.

"No one, who is as naïve as you are, will ever understand the reality of this world." I would never say it out loud, but it but it was also his naivety that made him fight for all those things that I had lost faith in a long time ago.

"Ever since you came into my life, I feel like the world has been crumbling around me." His voice sounded pained and I found myself wondering what I had done to him. No matter how annoying I found him, I didn't want to see him suffer. "My unshaken belief in so many things has started to weaver and things that I hope would never be true turn out to be more than true. Is the world burning in your eyes?"

I gasped at his unexpected question, not because I didn't know how to answer, but because how well he understood me. As I replied, I could not look at him, instead I started playing with the ends of the ribbon around his neck. "Every single bit of it."

There was silence, I don't know for how long, I was too occupied with his ribbon until he caught my hand and pulled me closer. Even after such a heavy conversation and much disagreement, I still let him slide his arm around my waist and as always, lift my face to meet his gaze. I remained still even when he leaned so close that his lips almost touched mine, and I could feel his sweet breath on my skin. He smelled like chocolate cake and I was sure that was how he would taste, but he didn't move. His mouth hovered over mine for a few everlasting moments but then he pulled away, giving me a tired smile.

"I guess it would mean something if I did that," he said softly and without another word, he simply walked out of the kitchen.

He was right.

The next morning, I had to stay in the room while the Finders took the spear and Lenalee reported to her brother about our location. It gave me a chance to take a bath before we left to take the next train going to East, so I was more than fine with it. In about a day, we would be in China and hopefully we would find Marian there. I honestly never thought that I would even consider this thought to cross my mind, but I was looking forward to meeting him. My travels with these Exorcist had been quite troublesome and I was ready to let Serena go, I wanted to be myself again. I needed to feel the power surging in my veins and the Akuma crumbling to my feet.

The train we took had actual sleeping cabins which made our ride a lot more comfortable. I spend most of the day on the bed, reading a book that I got from Bookman. It consisted of his recordings from the past ten years and he recommended that I would read it to fill in the gaps of my memory. Of course, him and Lavi hadn't been part of the Order for that long, but it was still interesting to see how much the world had changed. Furthermore, I was never allowed to leave much, so anything about the outside world was fascinating to me. Thankfully, Lenalee spent most of her time out of our small cabin, mostly hanging out with the rest of the group, letting me do my own thing. When I felt like my body was going numb from laying down too much, I decided to go outside a little bit to get some air. Although the train was fairly nice, I still got claustrophobic after too many hours locked in that moving room.

Once outside, I let the wind play with my hair as I leaned over the railing to take a big breath of the fresh air. I was happy everyone left me alone, not only because they irritated me but also because I could not shake the feeling that we were heading towards something really awful. Although we had conquered many obstacles, I had a feeling that the real fight had not started yet. Until now, I had thought of meeting Marian sort of as my destination but in reality, it was just the start.

I stayed out there until I felt like my fingers were going numbs from the cold, then I turned around to return to my book. I ran into Lenalee in the hallway but despite how nicely she asked, I didn't feel like going to the dining cart just yet. I let out a deep sigh when she finally left and continued to the room. What I didn't expect to find was Lavi standing at the other side of the room, holding something that I had long forgotten about.

"Who is Aina Agnarsson?" He demanded angrily and threw the uniform at me. For a few moments, I just stared at the black and gold clothing piece in my hand, I almost forgot what it felt like to wear this. Even though I hated why they made me a General, I always felt powerful wearing the coat. Clearly, I didn't deserve it anymore. I let out a deep sigh and closed the door behind me, mentally preparing myself to another dreaded conversation.

"Did you go through my stuff?" I realized quickly that there was no point in my lying. If he felt the need to search my bag, then he was already suspicious enough that I would not be able to convince him of any lies.

"I needed proof. You have been lying to us this whole time?" Lavi was angry which only frustrated me even more. I threw my General's uniform on the bed and slowly walked up to the redhead who was standing a few feet away from the bed, arms crossed.

"I had my reasons as you might guess," I said calmly, contrary to Lavi who was furious.

"Please enlighten me about the fucked up thought process that made you pretend you are not in fact a goddam General!" He was yelling at me now which was more than risking my cover that had been blown by too many people already.

"Enough," I hissed at him. "Have you forgotten who you are? How ironic, you trying to lecture me about pretending that I am someone else. I have no interest sharing anything with Lavi, but I might make an exception for Bookman Junior."

His expression changed immediately as I said those words: the smile was gone, the playful light from his eye disappeared, and his shoulders straightened. I had no doubt that the future Bookman was staring back at me, cold and impartial as he should be.

"I should have known you were not going to be shaken by 'Lavi's' outburst," he said, grinning the way Lavi would never. It was dark and calculating.

"I think I like this you a lot more," I answered with a not-so-coy smile on my lips as I caressed his face with my hand. "I can see us getting along a lot better like this."

"Seduction will not get you out of this," he replied and caught my hand to emphasize his point.

"Not getting out of this would be the point of seduction." I had to admit, the way he shifted into his real person was quite interesting, not to mention that Bookman Junior was rather hot with his dangerous and cold mannerisms. Sleeping with him would definitely cause no trouble, I bet he liked it rough.

"Be a good girl and I might just let you play a little bit," he said with grin which made me let out a theatrical sigh.

"What do you want to know?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Who the hell are you really?" he replied firmly but without even a hint of anger in his voice. I wouldn't expect anything else from someone who had had so many different personas, he was a master of shifting. Unlike me, he probably had no trouble keeping his fake personality apart from who really was.

"I am indeed General Aina Agnarsson, declared traitor to the Black Order nine years ago," I explained with a smirk on my face. "Pleased to meet you."

"You seem awfully calm about being exposed," he noted which made me laugh.

"Only because it is you, Junior. It is not like you're going to do anything about it. Besides, what I told you about my past is mostly true. Really, I actually was more honest with you all than I should have. See, I am not as good as pretending as you are."

"Clearly. I knew something was up after we found Azrael but I could not yet connect the dots. Of course, the Old Panda did, didn't he? He was writing an awful lot in his personal note book that night." He was talking to himself more than he was to me, so I waited for him to finish his thoughts. "I read about you when we came to the Order. They didn't have much information written down about you, understandably, if the things you told us were true."

"The Black Order could never allow those atrocious acts to be recorded." Did he really think they would ever put those things in writing? They respected no one, dead or alive.

"The one thing that was blinding me, why I could not figure out what was going on, was your age. That was one powerful illusion." He seemed more amused by the idea of me staying this young than he was shocked. I had to admit, it was in a way comical, putting me on ice until the time came.

"When I fled from the Order, they sent Marian after me to bring me back. As you would expect, he beat me mercilessly before he put me under. I don't know why he didn't take me back, he had to have a reason for going through all that trouble just to hide me." I shrugged. "I guess the truth is not very different than what you already know."

"You are a pathetic con artist," he said grinning, making me scowl immediately. "Changing your name and hiding your uniform does not make you a different person. You think you separated your new persona from the real one? Let me burst you bubble, General Aina Agnarsson, Serena never existed, it was you all along. Changing a fragment of yourself doesn't make you a different person, it just makes you a liar."

"How would you possibly know the real me?" I hissed but he just laughed at me, coldly and mercilessly.

"I notice everything, my dear Aina, absolutely everything that is to you. Every flinch, every twitch, every breath, every single expression on your face. You are anger is so true and your despair is so tangible that no one could possibly hide that. It would be a shame anyways, it is beautiful in a way, how intensely you feel everything." He stepped towards me this time, sliding his fingers down my cheek just like I did before, while uttering those words coldly. A shiver ran down my spine and not because of his touch, no, it was because what he said.

Was it the truth? Was Serena just a few lies given a name? Had I really been me this whole time?

It could not be.

Could it?

Special note: I understand that Serena/Aina's thoughts are not consistent and it is exactly what I want. First person POV is hard to write because it is not an omnipotent view even though I, the author, am. I want her thoughts to be confused and her to feel like a real person. I hope that makes sense.

Thanks for reading!