Disclaimer: I don't own anything – except for a red hoodie...
AN: I hate this chapter. Seriously. I've been very much tempted to just trash the whole thing, and instead go "This is what you missed" with a lengthy summary. Anyway, this part is what's been blocking me, so hopefully things should run more smoothly from now on.
This is long, and not beta-read, so please let me know if you come across any errors.
(I've also posted a small pe-verse ficlet called "I'm Stupid (Don't Worry 'Bout Me")
Also, PLEASE take the time to read the closing AN when you're done.
...As Stupid Does
part 3 of the Stupid 'verse
8d/?
Stiles fidgets, unable not to. The chair he's in is comfortable, and the room inviting. Calming. Just, it's not helping.
He's been to see a counselor before. That means he's somewhat aware of what lies ahead of him. At the same time he has absolutely no idea. It's one thing being a ten year old suffering from panic attacks due to losing a parent, or being checked up on as part of the Adderall prescription process (or even being dragged in to see Miss Morrell after getting beat up by "the opposing team"). It's slightly different being a damaged human member of a werewolf-pack meeting a supernatural-savvy shrink after freaking out over sex, followed by almost killing a packmate.
And by "slightly" he of course means utterly, totally and completely.
Stiles looks at the doc and is at least grateful that he's seeing a woman. A man would most likely just make things harder.
Or not. By now Stiles has accepted that his ability to predict how he'll react to something is shot to hell.
"So, Stiles. Before we start I would like to introduce myself a little. I am, as you have been told, Doctor Bianchi. You're welcome to call me Sophia, should you so wish. Should you feel uncomfortable calling me by my first name now, then change your mind later, that is perfectly fine. This offer is not limited to the here and now.
"While I have a number of so-called normal clients, you are far from the first person to walk into my office due to the supernatural. That means that regardless of how strange or unbelievable something may seem, I am not going to wave it off and assume you're crazy or a liar.
"It also means I keep a lot of secrets – and I will keep yours as well. The exception to this rule is that if I have reason to believe you are a danger to yourself or to others – and I mean solid reasons – then I reserve the right to speak to your father.
"Do you understand?"
Stiles nods. It's reasonable, after all, and so he tells her.
"Good. I'm hoping to not have to do so, but. Better be upfront from the beginning, I feel. Now, from what my contact told me, you belong to a group of shape-shifters though you yourself is not one, you are bonded to one of them, and you need my help because of trauma caused by your contact with supernatural creatures?"
And yeah, that's one way to put it.
It's maybe a bit of an over-simplification, at the same time as it's getting too close to the truth, and Stiles doesn't quite know how to respond in a good way. Doesn't know how far to trust this doctor – he only trusts her at all because Sue was going to trust her with Leah.
Which is, admittedly, a pretty good incentive for trust – if he wants to be rational. (Rationality has never been one of Stiles' stronger suits.)
"Could you tell me more about it? How did you come in contact with these shape-shifters?"
Stiles laughs. It's short, and not at all happy, more like a bark than anything else, but. It's a reflex. As is putting sarcasm into his answer. (It's not his only defense anymore, or even his best, but it is the one he prefers.)
"I went into the woods looking for a distraction and found werewolves."
That's an accurate summary, Stiles thinks, for all of it. That first time Scott might have been the one to technically find Laura, and Peter, but Stiles was along for the ride as well, and then there was Derek. They both found werewolves alright.
"And as the short version, that's pretty cute, but I'm sure you understand why I'm going to need a few more details. At least."
And that's cool, it's understandable – it's so obvious Stiles counted on it, and prepared. Because again, he doesn't know how far he can trust Dr Bianchi, and while he's willing to take a few risks with himself, he's not risking Embry and the LaPush wolves.
So the story Stiles tells is honest, and mostly complete, but a bit vague on the details. She's getting all the important parts, and that's what counts. Right? He tells her about finding Quil – though he doesn't use a name – and outing himself as someone in the know. He talks about meeting the others, and about Embry imprinting on him – though there he does use the wolf's name. Not doing so is going to be impossible in the long run.
He describes being introduced to everyone, and being accepted, and accepting them in return. And then he falls silent. It's time to talk about the reason (or at least the latest of them) for his presence in this room.
"By the sounds of it you haven't been with this pack – or your binded for that matter – that long. A few months? Right. And by the way you describe them, and your interactions with them, I would not have thought them to be able to cause either severe trauma or a visit here.
"Which means there is something you need to tell me, but for some reason aren't. I know this is probably going to take a while for you to believe, but you can trust me. I am not going to use anything you tell me against you, or your bonded, or your pack. What I will do is help you to the best of my abilities. Regardless if that means just listening, or a way to disappear, and basically anything in between.
"This is about you, Stiles, and what you need. And it's clear you need help, with something – so please, let me help you."
Stiles swallows down threatening tears, and a hint of panic, and tells himself he's done worse. He has. (That doesn't help nearly as much as he'd like it to.)
"I was part of a pack before. They... Things were different there. Harder. Like... Hellmouth hard, yeah?"
A small smile and a nod tells him she gets the reference, and Stiles relaxes a little even if he's not quite sure why. Buffy works. Good.
"We moved here because it's where my dad was offered a job. But we moved because of the supernatural shit. Because I had to get away, and the only opening I saw was for dad and me to basically walk away from our lives and start over somewhere new. And, and that, the Hellmouthy stuff? That's where most of my issues are from." The rest, he thinks but doesn't verbalize, comes from his mom's death, and his dad's job.
"And yes, those issues are what managed to land me here. Not my current pack. They just got the dubious pleasure to get caught up in the result."
"Would you tell me what happened? What was it that made you – all of you – decide it was time to get you professional help?"
"I get panic attacks, sometimes. Well, I had a really bad one, and didn't want to tell the pack any details about the whys. They pushed, and as bad luck will have it, with one of them 'pushed' became 'pushed the wrong button', causing things to get violent."
It's an over-simplification of things, but Stiles doesn't know this lady, doesn't know how much she can take.
"Violent how?"
Okay then, blunt it is.
"As in I pulled a blade, sorry, two blades, went for his throat and then his heart, and if he hadn't been a shape-shifter I'd be facing murder charges right now."
And this is a test, a breaking point, Stiles suddenly realizes. If the doc truly means what she says, then she'll find a way to help him. If not, then he's going to end up arrested. Or worse.
"Okay. That would qualify as 'violent', I agree. You said he 'pushed the wrong button'. Did you mean that he in some way triggered you?"
Stiles nods, because yeah, that's obvious.
"How? And, if you could, what was the event that caused the trigger to exist in the first place?"
Oh joy. Let's talk about creeper wolf.
It's one of the last things Stiles wants to do, since he's spent too much time lately thinking about the man – and having nightmares about him. Yeah. Stiles doesn't even want to think about the creepy ex-Alpha. Peter was insane when they killed him, and Stiles suspects that that never has and never will change. He was disturbed in so many ways. Smart, yes, but sick. Coming back to life, he'd also brought back so much negativity, for Derek first and foremost, but also for Scott, Stiles and Jackson. (He's not even going to bring Lydia into the mix.) And considering Stiles' suspicion that Peter would have loved to be in Derek's place when it came to Stiles (and his place in the pack)... Is it any wonder Stiles doesn't want to think about Peter?
At the same time, he knows it's necessary. He understands – he just doesn't like it. And so he talks about Peter Hale, former Alpha, mass-murderer, manipulator, psychopath, and resurrected creep.
He talks about Peter attacking Scott, and Lydia, and using Melissa to get to Scott. He describes how Peter went on his killing spree, going after everyone involved in the fire. He talks about how he spent just about every moment terrified, not for himself, but that his father would end up a casualty.
And finally he talks about how it ended – or rather: how it should have ended.
"I helped kill him," and he probably shouldn't be telling anyone this, "and I'd do it again. My only regret is that when he found a way to crawl out of hell we didn't send him back the minute we found out."
Really. It would have saved everyone so much pain.
Stiles doesn't want to talk anymore about Peter, and he's pretty sure he's positively radiating that. He still ends up having to. Because really, there's no way you can talk about someone coming back to life, and not have the person listening ask about it. Luckily, Dr Bianchi changes the subject afterwards.
Or maybe not so luckily.
"So, what was it about your old pack that made things so hard? Because regardless of how you put it, I am definitely getting the feeling that you wanting to move away was more about the pack than about the, what did you call it? The 'Hellmouth' thing.
"Or am I wrong?"
"No. I, it was the people, mostly. I could take living on the actualfax Hellmouth, sure, as long as I had people to rely on. And you'd think that's what being in a pack means, yeah? Only not so much, not with that pack anyway.
"I didn't belong, and I hated it, and I was only there because of Scott. He was – is – not just my best friend, he's my brother, and there's no way I'd leave him on his own.
"After he was bitten, he didn't want to be in a pack, not really, but 'wolves need pack. He needed the stability, the teaching, the support... He needed all of it, or something bad was going to happen. He was too stubborn to admit it, maybe even to see it, but I was scared one of us would end up dead – and I knew it'd kill Scott if he'd ended up hurting me or his mom." Or Allison.
"And then we found out there was a new threat in town, and there was no way our little not-quite-pack of two would have been able to protect ourselves. Or our parents, for that matter. The safest thing would be for Scott to join the pack, the real pack. He'd be protected then, somewhat, as would his mom. And I figured I'd be safer that way too.
"Except Scott was too stubborn, and the new Alpha was the same – at least after Scott hurt his pride. So I ran interference, pleaded Scott's case with the Alpha, and got him a place in the pack.
"Turned out, I got myself a place as well."
"And did you not want one?"
Stiles snorts, remembering turning down that very thing by turning down Peter.
"Not...really? Sure, I wanted to stay by Scott's side, but I figured I could do that anyway, that I didn't need to be in the pack for that.
"Also, I didn't want to be a werewolf. Like, really, really not. But the Alpha decided to take us both, and I didn't know to get out of it without risking Scott's place as well, so...
"Before I knew it, I was in too deep."
Having to explain to the doc, who looks innocent enough to make Stiles feel more than a little dirtied, exactly what he means by "too deep" is embarrassing as hell, but it needs to be done.
So he does it.
He tells her the whole ugly story about how Derek mistook his offer to get on his knees and beg for Scott's sake, and how it led to a sexual relationship. (The word doesn't feel quite right, but it's the nicest one he can come up with, so relationship it is.)
He tells her about Scott leaving, and about realizing Derek still wanted Stiles in the pack, and in his bed, and he tells her how lonely and isolated he'd felt, in a pack of people who didn't care about him.
He tells her how he never felt part of the pack again after Scott left, and how things with Derek steadily got worse, to the point where it had felt like the only choice was to leave town.
It's not a story Stiles is really comfortable telling, for so, so many reasons, and so he keeps his eyes on his feet while he speaks. It's not until he's done that he looks up at the doc again. What he sees makes him freeze.
Dr Bianchi is still, unnaturally so, and there's something in her face that doesn't fit his perception of her as sweet and innocent. All of a sudden she looks like a predator, and Stiles can feel the hair on the back of his neck rise. Sophia Bianchi, he realizes, is a dangerous woman.
All of Stiles' instincts flare to life, and his body starts preparing. Fight or flight, and something makes he think fleeing is the best option here.
He must be telegraphing his distress, somehow, because just like that the doc shakes herself out of predator mode, sending him a calming smile. Well, Stiles is sure it's meant to be calming, but it's not. He's still on edge, and expects to stay so until he gets out.
"I'm sorry, I... Would you give me a minute?"
Stiles nods, because what else can he do, and watches as the doc gets on her feet, rolls her shoulders a bit, and then walks over to the window, cracking it open. It reminds him of the 'wolves, how they will air out a room when feelings get high. He's no wolf, can't smell pheromones and such, but the fresh breeze that steals its way in feels very nice anyway. Maybe it'll help him relax.
The doc takes her time sitting down again, and even more to start talking. It doesn't bother Stiles, not after the roller-coaster his emotions have gone through, and they have time. Every second spent in silence, spent on calming them both, is one less second spent digging through Stiles' feelings and beating him up emotionally. He'll take what he can get.
When she speaks again, Stiles knows he'll soon wish for the silence to return. He's even more right than he thought.
"Do you believe your former Alpha raped you?"
The question hits Stiles like a slap. Rape. It's a word he's never ever allowed himself to use about what happened between him and Derek.
"No." The answer is immediate, and almost brutal, but he can feel the honesty of it reverberate through him.
It's a good thing, Stiles thinks, that I wasn't sent here when I first ran into the packs. Because, as much as Stiles is sure now about what happened between him and Derek being consensual on his part, he used to be just as sure that his consent was optional. He doesn't think so any longer.
The last couple of months, having Embry and the packs, have given Stiles a kind of peace he's been missing for a long time, and he's used it to deal with some of his fears and suspicions. As a result something has shifted, making Stiles think that if he'd managed to scrounge up the courage to say no, Derek would have listened.
(At least when it came to the sex. Stiles is still much too unsure for comfort when it comes to whether or not Derek would have let him turn down the Bite.)
The doc looks at him, unconvinced – or so he interprets her face – and he elaborates. "I consented, okay? The word 'no' never passed my lips."
"Not saying no doesn't equal saying 'yes', Stiles."
"I know, okay? Trust me, I know. My dad is a cop, has been my entire life. He's given me like ten versions of that speech. I understand consent. I could have said 'no', I didn't. Sure, circumstances were less than ideal, and the reasons behind it looks more than a little shady. But the truth is that I chose to do it. I chose to have sex with Derek. And had things been different, I would still have chosen to do so.
"Yeah, I'd have wanted it to go down a bit differently, and for some things to be differently, but bottom-line: I was attracted to him, and I enjoyed having sex with him. But I was always aware of my right to say no, and I believed he'd respect it – respect me – if I did. The second I thought he might not, I left. Okay? Derek didn't rape me."
He shakes his head, and looks away, letting that be his sign that he's done with the subject. But of course it's not as easy as that. Of course it's not just over because he wants it to be.
Regardless of what he just told the doc, Stiles knows that it's not as easy as just not saying no. Consent is complicated yet not – and means a lot more than not refusing.
Still, he doesn't see what happened as rape. Not just because he didn't say no, it was always more than that. He consented. Maybe not entirely for the right reasons, but he did. Regardless of how much as Stiles used to worry about Derek not accepting it (and yeah, he just lied about that, but, hindsight, okay?) the option of saying no was always there, and Stiles never used it. He could have, could have refused, could have put his foot down, and seen what would happen.
Could have seen if Derek would take no for an answer, or if he'd have resorted to actually raping Stiles. Yes, he thought about doing exactly that, considered saying no, but once 'considered saying no' turned into 'I don't want to do this, I want to say no' he'd acted. Sure,he still didn't say no as in actually looked at Derek and said the words, but Stiles thinks moving away without notice or a forwarding address makes for a pretty big withdrawal of consent.
Oh, things were going south pretty quickly towards the end, but well. There is a reason the end happened soon after.
"I've had a lot of time to think about it, doc, and when it comes to this my answer is no. It wasn't rape. It was fucked up beyond belief, sure, and stupid as hell, but that's it."
The doc still looks weary, and unconvinced, and she's still giving Stiles bad vibes. If it was one of the pack members acting this way, Stiles would call Jake, or Sam, and beg for an Alpha order to keep them from committing homicide. Since that's not an option here, he goes for more words.
"Look, regardless of how things were between us, he's not a bad person. Sure, he sucks at human interaction, and he's never going to win Alpha of the Year, but he's not bad. He has– fuck this, Derek has stood between me and danger on more than one occasion, okay? I would be dead now if not for him, and so would Scott. Maybe my dad as well.
"Derek went up against people he knew would not hesitate to kill him to protect me and my loved ones. He stood up against his only living family for me. I've seen him crawl through broken glass, not caring what it did to him, to protect me.
"So don't try and make me cast him as a villain here. Sure, he's fucked up, more than once, and yeah, my ass ended up paying the price for that at times, but that's not all there is to him.
"The truth is, he's broken. Just like me. I don't think he's ruined, or evil, or that he wants to be any of those things. I just don't think he knows how not to be. God knows he could use a couple of rounds with you – and by that I mean years of therapy."
It's obvious that his words haven't fully convinced Dr Bianchi, but Stiles isn't backing down and he's making his entire body project that.
"Okay, let's say you're right. Let's give him the benefit of a doubt. Tell me more about your former Alpha – tell me about Derek. Besides having sex with an underaged pack member, under dubious forms, what kind of man was he?"
Stiles flinches at the jab, but accepts the challenge.
"Unfinished. He lost his family young, practically every single blood relative at once, and it was so damned obvious that it fucked him up. He was still a kid when it happened, and while something like that makes you grow up faster than you should ever have to, it also stops you from growing up right. When my mom died... It twisted things, okay? And I had my dad, and he kept me somewhat steady, but it, it didn't work all the way. Derek had a comatose uncle and a barely-legal-adult sister, who was struggling just as hard.
"He's protective, like I said. Very focused on having a pack, possessive I guess. I think that losing his family is behind that, but I can't swear on it. Not... Like, two of his original betas wanted to leave, and he let them. Derek didn't want to lose them, but he refused to force them to stay. It had to be them wanting to be pack.
"And again, when Scott's mom decided to leave." And in between, Jackson. "Derek didn't have to let any of them leave, could have used his power to keep them in the pack, but he did. He let it be their choice."
And wow, that... Stiles had almost forgotten that, in the wake of his own fear. What happened?
"And yet you make it sound as if you were scared he wouldn't let you leave. I did understand you correctly there, did I not, when you talked about the only way out being leaving and starting over?"
She'd understood him correctly, alright.
"Yeah, I worried. I would think about the future, about college and such, and I knew I wasn't going to settle for community college, or the best of the local ones, that I was going to leave. I was, no, I am aiming high.
"And I realized I didn't know if Derek would be okay with me leaving. And yeah, human, meaning he couldn't order me to stay – not in a way that I had to listen to – but that was easily changed, right? And I didn't want that."
The and I didn't know if he'd be okay with that either hangs in the air, unsaid.
"But yet you said he allowed others to leave? Why not you? If, as you claim, your relationship was only physical, then shouldn't he have been able to replace you easily?"
And wow, that hurts. It's nothing Stiles hasn't already thought, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
"Honestly? I'm not sure. When Scott had to leave, Derek was calm, helpful even. He made all the arrangements needed for Scott to move onto another pack's territory and have a place with them – and at the same time made sure Scott knew he still had a place in Derek's pack. Knew he could always come back, be it for good or just a visit.
"It was still hard, I mean, losing a beta? That was effectively losing a member of his make-shift new family, and family always seemed like the most important thing there is to Derek.
" And then, just weeks after Scott left B– one of the betas who ran came back. Derek...didn't exactly welcome him back with open arms. It took quite a lot of convincing, from what I understand, and he had to stay with Derek for days before he was allowed to go home to his family. I guess... Running could be forgiven, but not forgotten, yeah? The first time Derek freely offered a place in the pack, but the second time around that place had to be earned.
"At least, that's how I interpreted it. After that... Derek got harder. More possessive of his pack."
What Stiles isn't saying is that the fact that Boyd had returned on his own, without Erica, and that too had affected Derek negatively. And then of course there was the Alpha pack, and Ethan... Yeah, Derek had gotten several reasons for being possessive at once.
"So you're saying he changed, for the worse? And this change, it started when, before or after Derek became an Alpha?"
"After. Way after. And it was gradual. At first it just looked like a bit of power-tripping. It wasn't until late August, maybe early September that I started really worrying, by then Derek had been an Alpha for like six months."
Dr Bianchi nods, looking pensive, and seems to focus inwards for a while. It's as if she's going through some sort of internal files – the way Stiles himself does from time to time – and Stiles finds that he's really curious as to what it is that's going through her head.
He doesn't have to wait too long.
"I'm not going to lie. There are a lot of warning signs here, Stiles, and I am finding myself needing to fight my instincts when it comes to your case. Every single one of them is telling me to make sure you never come close to your old pack again, and that your former 'Alpha' can't ever have a pack again.
"What you're describing sounds very much as at the very least borderline abuse, and that is something my code of conduct, and my oaths, doesn't allow me to leave running rampant.
"But. There are possibly other factors to consider, other forces at play here. Tell me, do you know about the concept of anchors?"
Stiles nods. The term is new, but he gets what the doctor's referring to at once. An anchor is what keeps the werewolf grounded, human. Yeah, he gets it – he had, after all, been the one to help Scott find his.
"Good. Then this shouldn't be too foreign to you. All werewolves need to be anchored to their humanity, but Alphas even more so. And in addition, which could be argued is even more important, they need to be anchored in themselves.
"The reason for this is something that many don't realize. The Alpha controls the Pack. This is no secret. But, what is less known is that the Alpha also influences the Pack, that his or her feelings and so on influences theirs.
"What very few, even within the packs, know is that that influence goes both ways; with the Pack influencing the Alpha. An Alpha who has a shaky anchor and a shaky grasp on their own self is susceptible to negative influences from the pack. Just as one rotten apple can ruin a whole basket, a rotten pack member can ruin the pack by influencing a weak Alpha."
"I like you, Stiles."
The words come racing out of his memory, crashing into him, spinning him around, spinning around in him. IlikeyoulikelikelikeyouDoyouwantwantwantwantlikeyouwantyoulike...
He backs up, runs his hands across his arms, searching for his blades, being thrown even further into panic when he can't find them. Fuck. Rule. Number...three? He thinks. He never breaks it. Only apparently now he has.
Embry took them a voice that sounds like his own says, but that doesn't make any sense. He doesn't know any "Embry". Does he?
Frustrated Stiles goes for his pockets – he can't have been stupid enough to go waltzing about without any kind of protection, surely. There needs to be at least a bag of mountain ash there. There has to be.
His elbow strikes something, hard, and pain flares up, making Stiles bite back a cry. It also shakes him out of his panic and back into reality. Because that "something" is a door handle. He's not in a parking garage, he's in an office – a shrink's office – and Peter Hale is nowhere in sight.
Right. Stiles presses his back against the wall and sinks down to the floor, pushing himself into familiar breathing patterns. They take over, and soon Stiles is somewhat in control of himself again.
"Fuck. Uh, sorry, but..." His voice is rough, his body and mind spent, but still. Manners. He's been told they apparently matter.
"Don't worry. Language is one of the least of our worries here. Would you like some water?" When he nods – because his body is very insistent that yes, it wants that water – the doc pulls out a bottle from a mini fridge, shows it to him and asks if he'd like to stay where he is, or return to the chair.
He stays. That's all he's capable of at the moment.
She takes a few steps towards Stiles, but stops before she comes too close, and reaches out with the bottle before returning to her chair. Once Stiles has drained half the bottle she gives him one of those searching looks that makes him squirm.
"I assume we hit another one of your triggers?"
"Uh, same one actually. Or wait, is it the same when it's the same event setting you off, but a slightly different memory doing it? Either way, hell yeah, trigger."
There's a softness in her how, and not even Stiles' paranoia detects the danger vibes from before. Good. He's not in any shape to deal with it right now.
"Would you like to take a small break? We have the time, and if you want there are snacks available."
A breather sounds great, and snacks too, even if moving doesn't. He doesn't have to. Stiles finds himself slowly making his way through the water, a banana and a pack of peanut butter cups – still seated on the floor, back against the wall.
He feels better afterwards. The boost to his blood sugar helps, as does the almost silence – the sound of Dr Bianchi typing is familiar, and soothing – which gives him the space to gather his thoughts, and his mental armor.
When he gets up and walks back to the chair the doc sends him a soft smile. Stiles is the first one to speak though.
"So, that happened. And it kinda sucked. Sorry. Probably should have given you a heads-up, but in my defense I did mention the panic attacks. Also, I did not expect to have one here."
"It's okay. Are you feeling better now?"
Better? It's suck a relative word. Maybe. Stiles shrugs instead of answering, then finds himself talking anyway.
"I hate them, hate the way they make me feel, as if I'm weak. And I don't get it. It never used to be this bad.
"They started after my mom died, when everything was so damned painful. When I wasn't mourning her, I was terrified that something would happen to my dad, that he would walk out the door one day and never come home again.
"But I got over it. Losing mom got a little more bearable, and dad kept coming home safe, and it got better. The panic attacks pretty much disappeared.
"Not even when I realized I was living on the Hellmouth did it get this bad, not even when I thought I was going to die, or that everyone I loved would. And now?
"Now I've had three major attacks in less than two weeks. I don't get it, and I hate it."
"Would you believe that it's actually quite normal? You were, in a way, in the middle of a war zone. Having a panic attack then, when things were bad enough that you thought you'd die from them, would have left you vulnerable, would have lessened your ability to defend yourself. And that was something you could afford.
"The human mind is an amazing thing. It knows how to keep things locked away, to keep us safe. But when that is no longer needed? The door needs to open.
"You're safe now. Your mind recognizes this. And that is most likely why this is happening. Some of it is pent-up emotions finally allowed to come out. Some is you no longer being used to it, and not knowing quite how to deal. And some it that subconsciously you know that it's safe to let your emotions – your fears – run free, even be in control for a while. Because you know that you have people to pick you up should you fall – or to defend you until you can pick yourself up."
It sounds...believable. Oh, Stiles knows he'll go look it up for himself, but. For now it's an explanation he can accept. And speaking of explanations...
"That thing you said, about one rotten apple... Is it really possible for one member of the pack to have that much influence? Can one single person" Peter "cause the others, well, the Alpha really, to feel something they really don't?"
Because if that's how it is, if what happened between him and Derek was caused by Peter... Then Stiles is going to change his answer about rape or not. He's labeled what happened between them as consensual sex, based on the fact that Derek initiated it and Stiles agreed. But if Derek didn't actually want to, if his desire was caused by others... Then it most definitely was rape, and they're both victims, and Stiles is going to have to go pay Peter a visit and make his displeasure known.
With wolf's-bane, mountain ash, and broken bones. (Obviously he'd be bringing backup. He's occasionally stupid, not crazy. Things like that is what pack is for. Paul would love it, Stiles suspects.)
Aaaand he's distracting himself with thoughts of violence to stave of another panic attack, and from the look on Dr Bianchi's face it's very much obvious.
"Oh. No – or rather, not exactly. One person can cause a lot of issues, yes, depending on how strong the feeling is. But what they do is they amplify. They cannot just create feelings in others – there has to be something there for them to work with, so to speak.
"Now, I am assuming that this is about your relationship with your former Alpha; that what you're really asking is if one of the others caused him to start a sexual relationship with you? Yes?
"As I said, this connection can't be used to create feelings out of thin air. But. As with just about every rule there is an exception. The feelings of a single pack member could overwhelm the Alpha – or the others – if the feelings were strong enough. It can't be something as simple as just lust though, it needs to be exceptionally powerful. The one case I am personally aware of involved the kind of bond that exists between mates.
"For it to be purely about sex though... We would have to be talking about a full-blown obsession, and even then I am not sure it's doable without some kind of 'support' from the rest of the pack."
That's a bit comforting, since Stiles is almost 100 percent sure that Peter isn't in love with him at all, never mention that strongly. Obsession is an option, but too probable. Still, if the opportunity arises, Stiles is still going to take Peter's undead ass out of the equation. Just to be on the safe side.
The fact that he'd thoroughly enjoy it... Yeah. Stiles has never claimed to be all that good.
"Okay, thanks. That's... That's good to hear."
That's an understatement, of course – because it's a fucking relief, is what it is, and Stiles can practically feel the threatening second panic attack go away just from hearing it.
"Now, I would like to shortly return to the concept about the pack being able to influence the Alpha. I realize that it is a sensitive subject, but I think it's very important. Now, you don't need to answer this out loud, but if you want to, we can talk about it.
"I want you to think about what I told you about the pack bonds, and then about the pack in your old hometown – what were they like? Were they the kind of people who could have caused their Alpha to behave the way he did?"
And that... That sounds disturbingly reasonable. Isaac, Jackson, Erica, Peter... The only pack member that had been even close to stable had been Boyd. Scott, for a while, of course, but after he'd left... Not even Danny had turned out to be someone Stiles particularly liked or trusted.
Yes. Thinking about the betas, and the changes in Derek over time, Stiles can definitely see a point in what she's saying.
Jackson had been Derek's first bite. The boy hadn't turned, no, but still. And once he had, well, months as the Kanima had wrecked havoc on Jackson, that much is and always was obvious. Stiles winces. He does not want to imagine what it would be like to have that in the back of your mind, and on your conscience.
Derek did change, once Jackson did...
Then, of course, there's Isaac and Erica, with all of their issues and their shared tendency to violence. Boyd had seemed to stabilize them, but then he and Erica had left, leaving Isaac and Derek to their own devices. And honestly, Stiles isn't exactly eager to revisit Peter. The less said about him, the better, but having a bond with him could not have been good for Derek.
Still... Derek's treatment of Stiles hadn't gotten really bad until after Scott had left though. Stiles has always believed that it had been about the Alpha worrying about losing a valuable beta, or about Scott starting a fight to protect Stiles, but now he's beginning to question that theory.
Oh, it can still be true, or part of the truth at least, but... Scott has his flaws, god knows, but he's also got a lot of strengths. His inner goodness and the strength of his moral compass are the most prominent ones, and if the pack really does influence the Alpha, then having Scott around must have been a godsend for Derek.
Just as losing the connection to him must have been really, really bad.
Stiles can understand Isaac, as long as he look at the facts and only the facts. The other boy had lost his mom young – and if anyone knows how badly that can screw someone up, it's Stiles – and then his brother. In a way Isaac had lost his dad at the same time, long before the man had actually died.
All that loss, and the abuse on top of it... It's not exactly surprising that Isaac is more than a little screwed up.
The power-tripping though, that's something else. Sure, it's not exactly surprising either, not with Isaac finally having the power to defend him – it's just not something Stiles likes.
Because Isaac hadn't just defended himself – he'd gone on the offense as well. He'd attacked Stiles at the sheriff's station, and would have hurt – maybe even killed – him, if not for Derek. Without hesitation. And that, right there, is what Stiles detests so much – the willingness, eagerness even, to hurt others.
Stiles has never hurt Isaac, not in any way, and never would have. Not even when things were at their worst, not even if he'd had the power to. Had he known about the abuse, back when it was still happening, he would have fought for Isaac. They could easily have been friends. They'd worked together that night at Jungle, and worked well, andStiles had actually thought it was the start of something.
But of course, instead Isaac had gone completely dark side.
Erica had been just as bad as Isaac when it came to the power-tripping, and the willingness to hurt others – like Stiles. He'd held on to hope longer for her than for Isaac – because no matter what she'd thought he'd still remembered pre-bite Erica with fondness – but she'd chosen to leave before he could see who she'd become.
Boyd had been the only one of Derek's bitten who hadn't been prone to excessive violence, but in the end that still hadn't been enough. He was steady, yes, and had wanted to belong more than he'd wanted strength and power, but he'd still loved that power. And once he'd returned from being tortured by the Argents, then held by the Alpha pack? There had been a new darkness in Boyd that had scared Stiles then.
And then there had been Danny. Danny, who had replaced his sunshine smiles with a volatile temper, a tendency to break bones instead of hearts, and an eagerness for violence. It had stayed mostly on the field, and in 'wolf practice, but it had still been unsettling to watch.
Stiles remembers thinking that it was as if Danny had shed his lovable personality as if it were nothing more than outgrown, unnecessary armor. As if it had not been who he truly was – as if it had only been an act to keep people on his side. Werewolf powers had meant that Danny had no longer needed anyone else to defend him. It had meant that would-be gaybashers would find themselves very much outclassed, even in a one-against-many scenario.
In a way, for Stiles Danny had been the least understandable – and most scary – of the teens Derek had talked into taking the bite. Erica and Isaac had agreed because their lives basically meant waiting for death. They had had everything to gain, and very little to lose.
But Danny... Just like Jackson, Danny had had everything – and still had wanted more. Or maybe it would be more fair to say that they had wanted everything they had, but without the work they were putting into it. And something had gone wrong with both of them. Stiles might be the only one to think so, to think that how Danny changed was just as horrible as Jackson turning into the Kanima, but then again, he was probably the only one really watching. Jackson had killed because he was forced to – Danny had reveled in the violence he'd suddenly been capable of. Stiles knows which one scares him the most.
Lydia would have seen the same thing, Stiles thinks, if not for the fact that she'd distanced herself from everyone the second Jackson had left town, and then left herself only weeks later.
With this new information about packs it's not exactly hard to see what kind of damage a pack like his old could do to themselves and each other. Stiles finds that surprisingly, he does want to talk about it, to see if the doc sees what he does. So he talks, and she does. Again, it's a fucking relief.
As the session comes to an end Dr Bianchi has one last important question she says, and Stiles steels himself.
"Are you planning on staying in touch with your friend Scott?"
And wow, that Stiles did not expect. What kind of question is that, really, when they've been talking about the mess that wass Stiles' old pack, and Stiles and Derek having sex, and Stiles in general.
"Yeah. Sure, it's not going to be the same, since we're not living within walking distance anymore, but we've managed that for a year now. And regardless of how much things might chance, I really can't see myself being without Scott. He's my best friend, my brother, and regardless of what happens, that won't ever change. We've been through too much together for that."
"And, do you think he's going to stay in San Diego, or return to your old hometown?"
Oh. That's where she was going.
"Scott will... I think he'll go back. Unless something huge happens in San Diego, and I mean life changing huge, he'll go back and rejoin Derek's pack. Scott's got his faults, yeah, but lack of loyalty is not one of them. Once he's in, he's in."
Yeah, Scott will return to Derek and the others. Not just because of loyalty though. Because as much as he'd protested joining at first, Scott had flourished in the pack – and he'd made friends.
Stiles isn't even sure he can imagine something big enough to keep Scott away. Nope, he was Hale pack for sure – unless Stiles were to drag him away. (Which he won't. He likes to think he's learned his lesson when it comes to dragging and Scott. He really, really hopes he has.)
Theoretically there's the option of Allison coming back and doing the dragging, but Stiles isn't too sure about Allison anymore. Scott may have sworn undying love, and promised to wait, but that was before. Before Scott had made friends with Isaac, and Boyd, and before he'd found out about exactly what Allison had done to the both of them. Before he'd learned that Allison is why Erica had chosen to keep running after the Alpha pack let her go, instead of returning to Beacon Hills – and her family – along with Boyd.
"Okay. Then this is where I would like you to take a second to think. If you stay in touch with Scott, and he returns to the pack, then you need to be prepared to run into them as well."
Well, duh.
"I won't be there like I was, like I thought I'd always be, so I don't think it'll be that big of a deal. It's not like I'll be returning too. And honestly? I think we'll meet up a few times a year, at most, and then that's not going to be there."
Probably not in Port Angeles, or LaPush for that matter, but. It is what it is, and neutral ground is a good thing.
"But yeah, I'm going to be there for the big things, like weddings and such. I like to think I can deal with seeing the pack for those kind of occasions though."
"And can you handle seeing Derek? Or more importantly, can you handle Derek should he make a pass at you, claiming he's changed, and things will be different?"
That makes Stiles' mind stop. That... A year ago – less than that even – he would have given so much to hear those words from Derek. He would have folded so easily. Would he still?
He's not expecting to see Derek again any time soon, but as the doc's made it clear: sooner or later he's going to have to – or lose Scott. Can Stiles look into the man's eyes and not let his own stupid body, and stupid feelings, and some pretty words from Derek sway him?
He wants to say yes. He can't, and he hates that. But there are memories that Stiles has pushed down, and her question brings them back. Derek taking his pain the first time they had sex – well, the first time they had penetrative sex. Derek taking his pain after Stiles had been pushed around a bit too much during practice. And when the Alpha pack threatened all of them, Derek stationing a guard at the Stilinski home – and another for his dad at the sheriff's station – and handing over a bag of mountain ash, ordering Stiles to use it around his house.
The last one is the most powerful – because the ash barrier hadn't just kept the Alpha pack out, it had kept Derek out too. It had given Stiles the upper hand, even if only by the slightest, and if he'd wanted to, he could have used it to refuse Derek.
So Stiles can't say he'd turn Derek down. He doesn't know if he'd be able to, as much as he knows he should – because what he and Derek had was never healthy.
Stiles shrugs.
"Then I need to caution you, Stiles, since it's obvious your feelings run deeper than just the physical, to be very careful when it comes to Derek.
"Behavior like this does not just go away on its own. Be it the result of a true abusive nature, or something caused by the pack link, this will not change on its own – if it changes at all."
The words resonate within Stiles. He knows they are true, knows without a doubt. And yet... He can be so fucking stupid sometimes. He's always been stupid when it comes to his heart.
~ TBC ~
AN: Please note that while I've provided a possible magical reason for Derek's previous behaviour, I am not providing a magical fix-it. Magic can fuck things up for sure, and in no time at all, but unfucking them takes time and work and dedication. And it's bound to hurt as hell. This, of course, goes for the actual non-magical world as well.
Also, this is fiction, not reality. In real life, there are no magical excuses. If you're with someone who treats you the way Derek has treated Stiles? Don't waste your time coming up with excuses on their behalf. Protect yourself. Be it by making sure your loved on gets professional help, or by walking away – just protect yourself.