If the stakes weren't so high, I might have enjoyed this. I mean, the wrestling team obviously went out of their way to make this initiation thing as lame as possible, with a side order of stupid. I honestly didn't know if this is intentional or if this is all their brain capacity will allow of them. My vote's on the latter.

Now, I really don't believe in bad karma, but I'm tempted to change that. Especially in light of the fact that just as I'm amusing myself with thoughts of Christopher Hertz flipping burgers at McDonalds in forty years, I'm tackled from above.

Yes, above. Someone's been sitting in a tree for quite awhile, waiting for me to pass by. And this guy has the freakiest looking clown mask you could everhope not to see. I mean it. I will not sleep for a week based on how messed up this thing is. And as if one isn't bad enough, another figure emerges from what seems like nowhere, with an identical mask. Wow. Now I'm starting to see an advantage to being shipped off to Maine; wherever it is I'm going is sure to have therapy.

They wasted no time.

"A man and his wife went on vacation. Two months later, the man called the police to report the location of a body near the place where he had been on holiday. The police thanked the man and then asked why it had taken him two months to report the body. What was the reason?"

I just about burst out laughing. Where I've been expecting my obstacles to come more in the form of trying to get past people with axes or being locked in a cage to wrestle with a gorilla, they give me a riddle? I'm thinking about how absurd the whole concept is before I realize that I blow at stuff like this. At least once a year in any given English class, we're forced to work out these things for an extra couple of points in the grade book, but nothing's ever been marked down next to the name Ryan Evans, unless it's one of those quick scribbly notes that reminds the faculty that he's a special case or something. Surprisingly, Sharpay is pretty sharp when it comes to them, as long as she doesn't get bored within the first few minutes; I think it comes from the insanity she would experience if she didn't know the answer. Bad break for me. Shar's not here. And we're not talking about losing a couple of miniscule points here, but a whole lot more than that. So I've got to take a crack at it.

"You can ask six questions that you think will help you solve it," the psychotic Bozo from the tree told me, "and you have three minutes. If you don't get it right, we'll send you back to the starting line."

The starting line? Shaft! And I've been in this funhouse for ten minutes already. I've only got fifty more to keep Kelsi and Sharpay from being Monday's mystery meat.

"Can you say it again?"

I didn't expect him to, but he did.

"Okay, um…did the man and his wife have something to do with the murder of the body they found?"

"No."

"Did they know who did?"

"No."

"How did they find the body?"

"They didn't."

"They didn't find the body, but they saw it somehow?"

"Yes."

I bit my lip. I only had two questions left, so I had to really think about this. So the man and his wife hadn't actually come across the body, but--wait. Vacation. Two months.

"If they were on vacation, they must have taken pictures. Did they?"

"Yes."

"Did they see the body in a photograph and not report it sooner, because…because they didn't develop the pictures until two months later?" My parents are constantly guilty of this particular shortcoming.

They didn't respond this time, but moved aside to let me pass. I took off, giddy with my triumph, but it quickly occurs to me how easy this was. Instantly my guard goes back up. This is only the beginning.

So, okay. You know how people like to say "this is only the beginning" and make it sound all ominous and whatnot, and it really turns out not to be at all? Well, tonight it's just the opposite. I can actually say it without sounding like I come off of some cheesy B rated drama film. I mean, make no mistake, it's not an opportunity you want very often, but…

I digress.

I've come to a small clearing, with paths going off in all four directions, and hope that these jerks at least have the courtesy to leave me a clue. I aim the flashlight that has been bestowed upon me toward the surrounding trees.

One of these trees is not like the other…

Of course, this particular line prompts me to whistle the remainder of the song, which I take a few moments to do before examining the sloppily spray painted tree.

Over the river and through the woods.

What?

I shove aside my feelings of indignance (how would you like to be a living thing with red spray paint all over you?) to make room for my good buddy Pissed to move in, since it's better than letting Panic and Fear take over. Clues to help me along the way, my butt. I have no idea what this is supposed to mean.

Over the river and through the woods. I struggle to remember the next part of the song, and it comes down to unless they're holding Kelsi at my Grandmother Evans' condo three hours east or they've dumped her out on a sleigh somewhere, they mean this one. Over the river…I shine my flashlight over the tree once more, and notice a tiny X with small arrows pointing in all four directions.

Gee. That really narrows it down.

I stare at it a moment longer…there has to be something. And then I see it. One of those arrows is white, pointing west. They used white paint for it, but red for the rest. The East High official colors. I take nothing else from it other than I'm supposed to go in the corresponding direction, crossing my fingers in hopes that I've got this.

I walk for a few minutes before I hear the sound of water. Water. River. I dash toward it, and come upon a stream, which I'm pretty sure must lead to a river; that's all we have around here. Now what?

The creature from the Black Lagoon, that's what.

Or at least that's the image that comes to mind when I see the mask that fits the description. Better than the clown masks, that's for sure, but nothing that makes me feel all warm and cozy inside.

I try not to show this, though. My time is running out.

"Okay," I said tiredly, "give it to me."

I'm expecting another riddle, so I'm pretty knocked for six when a glass of something is shoved into my hand.

"What, I'm supposed to drink this?"

"No," the owner of the mask responded, "you're supposed to give it to your mother for Christmas."

Yeah, right. Like I'm really going to chug down some random drink in a random glass that's undoubtedly been passed between random people, all of whom would pay good money to see me thrown over a cliff. For sure.

"I don't suppose I get any kind of get out of jail free card for this thing," I said monotonously.

"No, but you don't have to drink this."

"No? What's my other option?"

"Heading back to start."

That blasted starting line again. I'm beginning to hate that term. And God knows I'll never be able to compete in a potato sack race again, just based on the fact that there is a starting line. An egg toss would probably still be pretty safe, though, so I'm good there.

"Well…are you going to be kind enough to tell me what it is?" But I don't really need him to. The smell hits me when the glass comes close enough. It's nothing more than a glass of vodka. Whether there's anything else mixed in with it, I don't know, but you have to give me credit for deducing this much. "So all I have to do is drink some vodka? What's the point of that?"

Though I can't see his face, I have no doubt that he's smirking underneath that pretty little mask. "You'll figure it out, choir boy."

I'll figure it out…awwww, snap. I get it.

Alcohol. Guaranteed to slow me down once it hits my system and impair my judgment, at least somewhat. And since I don't have any overwhelming experience with drinking, as they all probably knew when they set this up, it's most likely to hit me pretty hard. So I really do have two choices here. I can start from the beginning with a clear mind, or drink this stuff right in the middle, hoping it doesn't take too strong of a hold before I get to Kelsi.

Wow. Life is rough.

Thirty eight minutes.

I've got a decision to make.

Fast.