-AARON LIVESY - WHAT DO I DO NOW? -
"A LONG CLIMB BACK TO THE TOP..."
-This fanfic follows on a few days after Exposed
...
Chas walked up to the garage, Paddy told her he'd left early, it wasn't the best idea but who could stop him? "Can I have a word?" she asked.
"No not really kinda busy here if ya can't tell?" Aaron replied as he looked up at her from under the bonnet.
Chas nodded slowly, she wasn't going to listen to that. "Ah well, you can listen then, the other day scared me so much I haven't slept since"
"You know how I feel then" he quipped.
Chas sighed. "Just shut up" she sighed again, she wanted him to talk now she was telling him to be quiet. "You hurting yourself has to stop, a-and I heard you..."
Aaron frowned and realised what she'd said. "Heard me?" he asked tentatively.
"Yeah, talking to Jackson"
"Oh...and how much did you hear?" he asked; now she had his full attention and he got up from under the bonnet and stood properly.
"Most of it I think...and one part I didn't actually wanna hear but it was said anyway"
"That I wanted to be buried with him?"
Chas nodded. "Yeah, that hurt so much"
Aaron looked away. "It was how I felt at the time..."
"And now?" she wondered, hoping he'd changed his mind or that it was just because of his mood and state of mind at the time.
"I do wanna be buried with him but I'm not going to do anything stupid if that's what ya mean"
"Do you mean it?" she asked softly.
"Yeah, I do"
"Good" she let out a sigh of relief. "You don't look well ya know"
"So I'm told, everyone I've seen today seems to think they have a right to an opinion, Val, David, Edna, Pearl...Charity, so yeah nearly everyone"
"They're just concerned son"
"Why? I'm no one to most of those people"
Chas shrugged. "It's just the way some people are...do you feel alright?"
Aaron shook his head in frustration. "Not really"
Chas stepped forward. "Why? Tell me?"
"I just feel sick, exhausted, banging headache..." he explained.
"Can you do me one thing and leave work and just come back to the pub with me?" she asked. "Please...I can't imagine how Hazel must be feeling now and I don't wanna know what it feels like so just let me look after you, please Aaron"
Aaron thought about it, he really didn't want to argue either so he nodded. "Alright, just let me close up then I'll be there"
"It's okay, I'll wait"
Aaron frowned. "I don't need a babysitter"
"Okay...alright" she stepped back, she didn't want to anger him. "See you in a few"
"Yeah..." he replied with a sigh as he watched her walk away.
...
As he closed the garage, he walked past Dale Head he hadn't seen Hazel much since the trial and he felt guilty that he hadn't been looking out for her like he'd promised, he stopped outside and walked up to the front door and knocked.
Hazel answered a few seconds later, Aaron instantly noticed how exhausted she was too. She managed a faint smile. "Aaron, I wasn't expecting you..."
"Nah, me either...I-I'm sorry I haven't been around much-"
She cut him off "No, no don't you worry about that I understand"
Aaron smiled a little. "How are you doing?"
"Erm, I'm alright you know, I have good days, bad days...Bob is helping a lot...do you wanna come in?" she wondered.
Aaron shook his head quickly. "No...Sorry" he apologised once he realised how abrupt he was with his reply. "I just can't I'm sorry...I don't think I'll ever be able to go back in there...I don't know you do it"
"It was our home that's why, a part of him is still here with me, it helps sometimes"
"I-I see him sometimes" Aaron admitted.
Hazel frowned. "What do you mean love?"
"I mean I see him clearly lying next to me, and I speak to him and I know he can hear me but he never speaks back...not once"
That worried her. "Aaron love...you can't have seen Jackson..."
"I know but he was there clear as day right in front of me"
"Grief can do strange things to people Aaron, maybe this is just a way your mind is trying to come to terms with it"
Aaron scowled at her. "If I'm not willing to come to terms with what I did then how the hell is my mind trying too?" he spat. "I won't let it!"
"Calm down love..." she spoke calmly as she watched him get all worked up.
"Every single day since Jackson died I've been in hell! I'm not me anymore, I'm not eating, I'm not sleeping, I'm not talking, all I do is talk to Jackson, see Jackson, cry for him, want him!" Aaron began to get breathless. "I even made a shrine!" he sighed, letting it all spill out seemed invigorating although he knew how stupid some of it was.
Hazel frowned. "Aaron love, calm down it's alright..." she looked around and saw Adam walking down the village, she managed to get his attention and waved him over without Aaron noticing.
"I think about the what ifs! I punish myself..." Aaron was on a tangent and he didn't know but it was doing more harm than good. He chuckled slightly "I wish it was me who died! Not him...ME"
Hazel shook her head as Adam was almost near. "You don't mean that"
"Oh I do...ever since I killed him all I've done is wish I had!" he gasped for air.
Hazel lowered her head. "It wasn't your fault!" she raised her voice at him
"Woah mate..." Adam stepped in and put his arm around him. "You need to relax...okay..." Adam frowned when Aaron's breathing became heavy and he couldn't seem to focus his eyes.
"Hazel call Chas!" Adam said with urgency. "Aaron, mate! What's happening? What's wrong?" he asked.
Hazel nodded and ran into the house
Aaron's vision was blurry and he felt light and his body came over all warm. Seconds later his knees gave way and everything around him went black.
Adam supported him as he began to fall and he lowered him down gently onto the grass outside of Dale Head. He tapped his cheek harshly several times. "Aaron! Aaron come on mate, don't do this!" he said through gritted teeth as he looked around, trust the village to be quiet, he needed help and quickly.
Hazel ran back out. "Oh my god...I-I called her...she's coming now, what happened?"
"H-he just collapsed; he's still breathing..." Adam told her, then they both heard the clatter of high heels on the pavement getting louder the closer they came.
"What happened?" Chas demanded as she dropped to her knees beside her son.
"He collapsed..." Adam told her.
"He came to see how I was then he started getting all worked up...I saw Adam up the village and I called him over to see if he could calm him down...he seemed to take a weird turn, then I called you..." Hazel told her.
Chas nodded, holding back the urge to let all her frustrations out on the woman. "We need to get him back to the pub"
Adam nodded. "Or in here?" Hazel asked.
"I don't think he'd like that very much when he wakes up" Chas replied quickly.
Hazel didn't reply, her expression was sad, she missed having Aaron around but she understood why he didn't want to be there.
...
Back in the woolpack Aaron was still unconscious. Chas walked in the back room seeing Adam sitting at his side on the couch where Aaron was lying. "I called the doctor, he can't get out to visit but he told me not to worry, he'll wake up when he wants to do and when he does make sure he drinks plenty of fluids...kinda already knew that but never mind..."
"I shouldn't have pushed him..." Adam told her quietly.
"What with love?" she asked.
"Jackson recorded some messages for him for after he'd died...to try and help him recover...I had to make sure he watched the first one...he lasted a few minutes and did a runner"
Chas nodded. "I wouldn't worry about that Adam...it's the least of my worries right now..."
Adam turned and frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Oh uh...nothing...just the usual stuff..." she realised what she'd said and tried to cover it but Adam sensed it was more. "No...What do you mean?"
Chas sighed. "He'll kill me if he knows that you know...it's private...he knows its wrong...lift up his t-shirt"
Adam frowned. "What?"
"Just...lift it up..."
Adam turned back to Aaron and lifted up the t-shirt and saw the cuts along his stomach, he put his hand to his mouth and the tears filled his eyes.
"But he said he can't stop..." Chas continued.
"He has too..."
"I know that but I don't know what to do Adam...he won't talk to me...I knew he wasn't well for weeks we all saw it but I never thought it was that...and this...this is easily fixed, sleep food and water...the rest is anyone's guess" Chas sat quietly thinking about the DVD plan Jackson had made. "I want you to make sure he sees every single one of those DVDs Jackson made for him, it's the only thing I can think of that might work...but again it could make him worse...If it does I'll drag him to a counsellor myself, but let's try that first"
Adam nodded. "I'll make sure he sees them"
"Do you know what's on them?" she wondered.
Adam chuckled. "Yeah...plenty of harsh words, things he wants him to do, challenges etc..."
Chas smiled. "I said I hated him for what he's doing to Aaron...but...this plan he's made secretly...I wanna take it back..."
"Why don't you?" Adam asked.
"Because it hasn't worked yet..." she replied as she watched Aaron sleeping.
"I think it will, we all know what Jackson was like...loving, caring and most of all fun...if Aaron can just remember properly even just the slightest bit of Jackson the way he was then it's a good start.."
Chas smiled and nodded.
...
Aaron began to stir and his eyes flickered open a few hours later, he was groggy. "What? Where am I?" he asked.
"It's alright...you're in the pub mate you collapsed..." Adam told him.
Aaron began to sit up slowly. "Oh..."
Adam nodded. "Just take it easy...and that sandwich is to be eaten..." he reached for it and placed it in Aaron's lap.
"What are you on guard duty or something?" Aaron frowned.
Adam nodded with a smirk. "Oh yes..." he chuckled. "Anyway me and your mum have been talking...I told her about the DVDs and she thinks it's a good idea that you watch them..."
"Do I have a choice?"
"Nah, not really no..." he replied as he reached for the remote, it was all ready for him waking up.
Five minutes had passed and he'd watched the next message from Jackson, he sat stunned, half of the sandwich had been eaten. "He wants me to do karaoke? Is he having a laugh or something, this is cruelty..."
Adam chuckled. "No I don't think he is...what is this karaoke thing anyway?"
"After the accident when he first got his chair, I snuck him out of hospital and we went to Bar West, Hazel joined us and the two of them ended up singing together, I obviously refused...but..Now...I feel like I should..."
"That's the spirit lad!" Adam grinned. "Don't worries I'll get you smashed...that way the embarrassment won't bother ya"
"Good plan..." Aaron smirked and sighed. "I really went off on one with Hazel..."
"Yeah but to be honest from the sounds of it mate it would have come out with anyone"
Aaron nodded. "What about my mum when you two talked? What did she say?"
"That she was worried, scared...for you...all she wants to do is help you but you don't make it easy..."
Aaron nodded slowly. "Anything else?" he turned his eyes up at his mate. "I don't mind if you know...just don't hate me..." he said with a wary face.
Adam sighed and nodded. "Yeah mate I know...I don't hate you" he shook his head. "I don't understand why you'd do that to yourself...you could have seriously damaged yourself..."
"I've let you all down haven't I?" he said quietly.
Adam instantly shook his head. "Not a chance...you lost your boyfriend Aaron, it was so soon...it was never going to be easy...nobody feels that way we just wanna help." He told him. "So Bar West?"
Aaron smirked. "Karaoke's on, on a Thursday..."
"Sorted then" Adam grinned. "Am I alright to leave you alone for a bit, I think your mum will wanna see ya"
Aaron nodded. "Yeah sure"
...
"I'm sorry for having a go lately..." Chas told him as she sat beside him.
Aaron smiled slightly.
"What's going on son? What's in your head?"
"Him...all the time...it's him..." his voice whispery as a lump in his throat worsened, he knew this would come, the talk, he wasn't going to fight it this time. "I can't sleep...I can't breathe...and it's never going to go away...This isn't how I wanted to remember him...like that...dying...It's all I can see..." Aaron wiped his nose and eyes. "I looked into his eyes and he smiled at me...then I heard his last breath and that was it...he was gone...why did I do it?" he asked her. "W-why couldn't you see what was happening...any of ya..." he began to sob. "You're meant to be my mum...you're not meant to let things like that happen" he cried.
"Well then you've gotta let me in Aaron, let me know what's going on, I want that more than anything..."
Aaron nodded, his vision was blurred and he couldn't see through the tears. "I'm sorry"
Chas nodded accepting his apology and she reached out for his hand and squeezed tightly. Aaron appreciated the comfort and support he'd allowed from her but it just upset him more. "Can you make it go away?"
"Oh love..." she frowned and reached out to him and hugged him tightly. "Just let it out love" she whispered as she rubbed his back soothing him.
"Help me mum" was all he said, it was hurting and it was heard by Chas, after all the years of his rejection it came down to that moment of being let in, she never expected it, but she was going to do whatever she could to help her son through it. No matter what, Aaron's sobbing grew in intensity and she tightened her hug around him and held him close.
TBC...