Okay, so I'm in an angsty mood now and all the songs that are stuck in my head are sad or angry. I'm truly sorry, but you'll have to suffer through some sad drabbles now :/ I'm sorry! I really am! But these STUPID songs give my feels and UGH. I'll try writing some happy ones too so you won't hate me completely ;)

The Grey – Icon For Hire

LEO

It hurt to look at her.

The sharp pain that shot through Leo's heart didn't relent. It was like a knife, digging deeper into his soul, trying to break him permanently. Or maybe it just was a voice, screaming at him because he was so stupid. It could be fire; no, Leo was immune. Still, it burned; the coldness burned.

Painpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpain

The word thrummed against his skull, never blurring with the rest of his thoughts. It was almost as clear as her name, and it shouldn't be that way, love shouldn't hurt like this, right? Love was good. Love was happy.

No, a faint voice in Leo's head whispered. Love is war.

And it most definitely was: a war between sanity and insanity, between heart and head, between pain and happiness. So why did the pain always win?

It was his fault, he knew that. It was always his fault.

Hazel was unreachable. She was with Frank.

That wasn't the problem.

She was happy.

Leo thought of his mom, of Percy and Annabeth. Three. Three people, one of who were dead and the rest in a huge pit of evil where it was barely possible to survive. And it was his fault. He had ruined their happiness. He couldn't do that to Hazel.

Everything he touched fell apart.

But he knew it wasn't just love. The guilt had blended with it, and now they were one. One painful, horrible feeling that would never leave him alone, no matter what.

It was all so new. He had never wanted to fall in love. There had been only one person he truly loved, and it was his mom; but she was gone. Of course he loved his friends, but that wasn't the same. But this love hit him with such force; he didn't rememberfalling in love, just suddenly realizing he loved her.

Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe he could turn his back and forget. Maybe he could avoid Hazel until the love transformed to hate.

Nothing could be more painful than this.

How cold had he become? He wanted to hate someone he loved, just because it hurt?

That thought just hurt more.

Then there was that streak of fear. Faint, but definitely there in the mix of love and guilt and pain. The fear of letting Hazel know. The fear of being judged by her. The fear of losing her - if he ever got her in the first place - because of something he had done. The fear of being caught in the grey.

No one knew but Frank, so it was pretty ironic. But Leo hadn't told him about the guilt; he had told him the story, the full story with the fire, but he had left out the emotions. Of course he had. No one knew about them but Leo – and Gaea.

Leo was standing on the edge of returning, leaving all of this and turning the back to his love; going back to the familiar ache after his mother, but nothing more. Or he could run away, run away from everything; from the ship, the quest, the pain, Hazel. There was really just one way to do that. And he didn't want to die.

He could also just let it go. Settle here. With the pain. Do nothing to ease it. Leo knew it would drive him insane, but it was an option.

Maybe it would help if he told Hazel. Maybe telling her would make it easier to bear. Or just worse, because she would hate him. Why would she want someone who had killed his own mother?! And she didn't even want him.

Leo was ashamed: ashamed of loving her. Ashamed of wanting something so impossible to reach. Something so lovely, something so delicate, but strong and beautiful. Ashamed of not being rational and smart. Ashamed of feeling so vulnerable.

He couldn't bring himself to look in to her eyes anymore. If they passed each other, the grin he forced to stay on his face all the time suddenly became more painful to wear. He would hurry away, because being close to her was like burning, and he wasn't immune to this kind of fire. If she would ever try to talk to him, he would pretend not to hear her. But that didn't work, because then she would touch his shoulder or arm to get his attention, and that hurt even more than hearing her voice. He cut the conversations short and practically ran when it was over.

Leo didn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He stayed up during the nights, steering, thinking. No, trying to push away the thoughts. Thinking of how to stop thinking of her.

Maybe he imagined all this pain. No one of his friends had noticed anything was wrong. Well, they never did, anyway.

Only Hazel would look at him with concern in her eyes. Leo felt her gaze on him, but never raised his head and looked at her.

Though he still remembered the exact shade of the golden brown of her eyes.

"Leo!" Hazel grabbed his arm and turned him so that he was facing her. "Leo, I'm talking to you!"

Leo caught a glimpse of her face before being able to look away. It was painful.

"What's wrong?! Why are you acting like this, Leo?!" Her voice was angry, but restrained; there was more anger behind it. And a bit of hurt.

"What do you mean?" Leo mumbled, looking down at his hands that were fiddling with some nuts and bolts.

"Leo, you're avoiding me." Yep, definitely hurt now. "Why?! I know all this Sammy-business must be awkward for you, but why are you ignoring me?! What have I done?!"

In surprise, Leo raised his head and stared at her. He regretted it immediately, because the pain grew stronger, but he tried to ignore it.

Hazel was wearing an angry mask, but her eyes revealed all the hurt she really felt. She had let go of Leo's arm.

"You haven't done anything," he said, still a little surprised. "Why would you think that?"

She blinked a few times.

"But you were avoiding me. I thought …"

"It hasn't to do with you," Leo said flatly and turned away, because it grew too painful to look at her.

"What is it then?"

Tell her.

Don't.

She has to know.

She'll hate you.

The pain will ease.

She'll hate you.

"I can't." Leo hadn't meant his voice to sound so hoarse. So vulnerable. "I can't, Hazel."

Why did he have to say her name?

"Leo." Hazel's voice was gentle now, and she placed a hand on his shoulder, but he didn't turn to look at her. "Why can't you look me in the eye?"

He hadn't expected the question, but this time he didn't look at her in surprise. He didn't answer.

Hazel let go of his shoulder, her voice angry again when she spoke.

"This is insane, Leo! I don't even know why you're avoiding me! I did something, right? What? Just tell me!"

There was a moment of absolute silence.

Leo didn't turn to watch her leave.

This was short. And sad. And angsty. Well, I warned you.

Thanks to cuteypuffgirl for requesting this song! It's really great.