Disclaimer: Gundam Wing, shockingly, horrifyingly, belongs to someone else.

Sub Rosa

Chapter Eleven

Poor Twisted Me

Wait for tonight?

The bastard was trying to kill me. I could swear it.

But wasn't it wonderful? I mean, excluding the fact that I just thought the word 'wonderful' and actually placed it in a sentence... it really was. Wonderful, I mean. Heero and I weren't arguing. We weren't awkward around one another. We weren't thinking about death and guns and poison.

I sailed into our room, needing a private moment. Heero was still skulking through my lyric files, and Wufei was doing something in the galley. I was free to think alone in our room.

Our room. Why was I thinking of it like that? I always had this room to myself. In two days, had I really changed my opinion on this room so much?

I moved over to the poem on the side wall, still miraculously all right despite how totaled my ship had been. Had Heero seen it? The proof that I had been... what? On the verge of suicide?

I sat on my haunches and glared at the poem. "I'm not suicidal... am I? Well, I did try to kill myself," I muttered. But why was I suicidal? What had been the reason? Not for my attempt with strychnine. For all the time before that? Why had I questioned my existence so thoroughly? Somehow, I didn't think that I'd felt that way when I'd left on my little solo journey. Or had I? Had I not even realized it?

I stood back up, but I couldn't quite move away yet. When had I started losing myself so much? The Jester may not have been me, but that didn't mean that I wasn't allowed to laugh or joke like the Jester had. Hadn't Heero turned into the Perfect Soldier once, right before my eyes? When things got tough, he could switch over in a heartbeat. Why couldn't I?

Was it because Heero had found out who he really was? When one knows their true self, honestly knows them, wouldn't that make it easier to pretend to be someone else? Staying to to oneself in one's mind...

Really, didn't it all boil down to the fact that I'd really not had any idea just what the hell I'd been doing? I'd gone out into space to find something I didn't know existed or not.

I took a deep breath. Maybe what I really needed to admit... was that all the suffering I'd gone through those three years had been entirely my own fault.

Yeah. That was right, wasn't it? All those feelings of sorrow, of loneliness, of not belonging anywhere... being alone, the only one who could possibly affect my emotions was me. Only I could make myself feel something. There were no outside sources saying or doing things that might have affected me. And even if there were, wasn't I the one who decided whether I would be happy or sad?

So... what? Did that mean... that I'd made myself depressed?

I snorted. No way. I was the one that made myself into the sissy that I'd become? I don't even like the me that thinks about death as a viable option. So why would I make myself into that?

I pushed off from the wall and let myself float. But in the end, wasn't that exactly what it boiled into? Granted, there were things that made me believe I should leave, that helped me think that I really was alone and unwanted in the world – and it's not like the words "we don't want you here" were new to a street rat – but in the end, hadn't I made myself feel that way? There was no one saying they didn't want me around. Only I ever said that to myself – no one wants you. Everyone's made it just fine on their own, without you. I was obsessed with these thoughts. But I'd only really spoken with Quatre over the years, and he'd been nothing but supportive. Worried, concerned, but always, always supportive.

I bumped into the opposite wall. It was no wonder Trowa had hated me.

I was right, wasn't I? Somehow, I've been causing all these problems for myself. Not just the bounty hunter thing. Not just the poison thing. Even the depression thing? Granted, I didn't cause everything. I didn't make Heero go undercover without our knowing. I didn't make Trowa hate me. But maybe it all could have been avoided, or handled better...

Then I stopped myself. I was thinking about this all wrong again. That wasn't right. The paths I didn't take couldn't be called either better or worse. I wouldn't be able to know, no matter what. So those unknown paths may as well have never existed at all.

Right now is what I needed to be worried about. Things that were happening at this moment. And right now, Heero and I were together. Trowa was slowly starting to accept my existence. Wufei and Quatre were ready and waiting to help me out at a moment's notice.

What I needed to do was to protect the relationship I wanted to have with Heero. I wanted to... to stay with everyone. I didn't want everything to fall apart again. I needed to buck up, become stronger. Didn't they – whoever they were – always say that life was about change? Maybe instead of trying to find out who I was or what characteristics I had, I should have always been searching for something I wanted to have, or someone I wanted to be. Maybe it was time I stopped mourning what I might have lost in the past and grab onto what I want for the future.

And what I wanted was Heero.

I reached out and pushed myself from the wall, then rebounded and touched the floor. My hand was on the panel to open the door when a hand clapped over my mouth.

I was pulled back, pushed to the middle of the room, where I floated in someone's arms. It wasn't Heero, and it most certainly wasn't Wufei.

Someone got aboard the ship.

I grabbed the hand around my mouth and yanked a finger back, snapping it. The man didn't let go, though he hissed quietly in pain. "Don't be afraid," he hushed, and I spasmed in shock. "I won't hurt you."

It was him.

How? How the hell did he get on-board? How'd he even get to L3? Even if he miraculously got here before us, he shouldn't have even know where we were headed. So how the hell had he managed to track us down and get here before we rushed back into space?

And that stopped me for another very split second. We were trapped on Wing with him.

I kicked back, trying to free myself, get my mouth uncovered, but he held on tight.

"Do you not recognize my voice? Shh, shh, that's all right. We haven't been formally introduced, after all. Just calm down. Calm down."

His voice was slick, soft. Like he was trying to calm a wild animal. I grabbed his arm, but I didn't have any leverage in the middle of the air. I cursed underneath his hand and tried to twist away.

"Stop, stop. I'll have to punish you if you keep this up!"

Instead of listening, I grabbed his wrist with both arms and twisted as hard as I possibly could. My mouth was finally freed. "Enemy attack!" I snapped out, shouting the vital piece of information. This time is was my assailant who cursed.

"Sleep for now, love. I'll take care of everything."

I kicked him, but he grabbed my wrist and tucked me straight back into his arms, and as soon as he had me the plunge of a needle caught in my upper arm. "Drugs!" I shouted, and managed to chop at the syringe, cutting it. Liquid splashed through the air and floated beside me.

"Duo!" Heero's voice shouted into the room just before the door opened. Heero stood outlined in the door jamb, his gun aimed straight ahead. Whoever my baddie was, he grabbed the needle in my arm and pulled it out. I grabbed his hand before he could use the needle as a weapon. "Let him go!"

"Absolutely not. I'll never hand him over to any of you, traitors to his love."

I twisted my neck, trying to see him. His arms were lithe, tanned. He wore a silk shirt; I could easily feel the slide of it against me. I twisted his wrist, heard the snap. He let go of the needle.

"Stop, love," he whispered, and grabbed me right back into his arms. The next second, we fell to the floor. Heero and him landed evenly, but his arm around my chest held me about an inch or two off the ground. He grunted at the effort of holding me.

"Let him go. He obviously doesn't want to be with you." Heero edged closer, slowly coming into the room.

"Fool." The man's good arm moved behind him. I touched my toes to the ground and grappled for a footing. The sound of a gun clicked next to my ear. "I will never give him up. Not to anyone."

I took what leverage I had and pulled. Thank god; it was enough. Mr. Crazy flipped over my back. A gunshot sounded, then two more in quick, rapid succession, and then a whirring gear could be heard.

I looked up in shock. Heero's eyes met mine just before the door slid seamlessly closed.

"Fuck!" I shouted. There was a safety mechanism; an automatic precaution placed in every ship these days. The door would react to a breach in the keypad and lock shut. After that, the keypad wouldn't open the door; only someone from the inside could open the damn door, and only by pressing the button by the door. Just in case there was something dangerous outside the room.

But the 'something dangerous' was inside! With me!

"Duo!" Heero shouted, and another gunshot informed me that Heero was trying to reverse what my lunatic did; the keypad on this side of the door was shooting sparks.

"Fuck!" I said again, and turned to face my admirer. He was fairly old, probably around thirty. Tanned skin, hawk-shaped eyes, hazel irises. Thin lips. Dark, dark brown hair. Lithe. "What the hell is your problem?!" I hissed. He wasn't cradling his right hand, despite the fact that both his first finger and wrist were broken.

I watched as he took out another syringe, but this one was placed into his right wrist. He released half of it into the inured area. "I understand why you're afraid, love. You've learned not to trust anyone. But I'm here to save you. You don't need to fear me." He took out the syringe, moved it to his first finger and repeated the earlier process, emptying the syringe's contents. "My name is Troit." (1)

"Troit?" I echoed. Weird name. Easy to find in databases if it was real. "What the hell are you doing on my ship?"

Troit stretched out his right hand and curled his fingers. As I watched him twist his wrist, I felt my eyes widen ridiculously. Maybe I'd imagined it, but I hadn't seen any pain in Troit's face. Had he... just healed himself? Then I mentally shook myself. Most likely he'd just numbed himself from the pain.

"I came to save you," he said seriously.

How long would it take me to reach the button next to the keypad? It would definitely take a while, and this guy was fast. Turning my back on him would be stupid. Especially until I learned what he was capable of and what all he wanted.

More, I could hear Heero and Wufei working to take down the door from the outside. I would stall a little longer. "Save me from what? I don't need saving – I can take care of myself perfectly well on my own."

"But you don't have to anymore, love. I'm here. I can save you from them." He nodded toward the door. "I can save you from everyone. You will never feel hurt again."

It took a deep breath to control my reactions. "I don't want to be saved from them."

"Yes." He strode forward, seemingly confident that I wouldn't hurt him. Where he found the confidence for such a thought, I would never know. "You want to take care of it all yourself. But you don't need to. Don't you see? I'm here now."

And the bastard opened his arms wide. Like he was waiting for me to jump into them.

I eyed his gun. It still sat, now loose, in the man's left hand. Though he didn't have it aimed at me, I knew he'd be ready to shoot me in an instant. And the whine of metal told me Heero was trying to open the door with force. The freak. "Maybe you don't understand. I want to be with Heero and Wufei."

He didn't bother to answer that one. He just turned his eyes to the door. "I know you believe what you say. That's why I must save you."

"Really. You don't say." When he stepped forward again, I took a careful step back. I had no idea what this man wanted, but I was certain what he wanted entailed catching me. He was quiet, able to be in a room with me without my noticing. Strong. Fast.

"You still need to be punished," the man said. Like he'd actually forgotten those bullshit words from earlier. "And you will attempt to fight me. You must sleep."

I bared my teeth and crouched. The sharp groaning got a bit louder; Heero was doing his best to get to me. I had to take this guy's gun before Heero got in. Before he could turn it on all of us. Talking any more would be a waste of time.

I slipped to the side and hopped onto the bed. Using the springs, I leaped to my left, charging for the man. He easily hopped back and avoided the attack, but instead of pulling his gun on me, he flipped it back and holstered it in his pants, clicking the safety back on.

That's right. He wouldn't hurt me.

With minimal effort I pushed off of my landing and leaped forward again, going for the man's jacket, where I'd seen him pull out his syringe.

Troit spun away from me and reached into that jacket of his. I didn't wait to see what he would pull out. All I could do was kick out and follow after him when he dodged once more.

"I want nothing to do with you, freak," I told him, trying to get him to fight me. "You're just some loser who gets off on messing with braided guys." I chased after him, punching for all I was worth. The man was like a freaking piece of paper, always moving in a way I didn't expect. "I'll stick with Heero."

The man frowned, but this time he didn't say anything in response. He just finished pulling out that syringe of his and held it up. He even fucking looked away to double-check the fucking thing. "I'll get you to sleep," he murmured, catching those hazel eyes on mine. "And when you wake up, you will understand."

Son of a bitch but this man was annoying. He wasn't the only psycho I'd had to deal with, but he was definitely the first who turned his lunacy on me.

With the gravity back on, I was able to drop to the floor and roll my leg out, trying to trip. He jumped back, pushed off of the bed, and rebounded straight toward me. I had to roll back to avoid him.

When I'd wanted him to fight me, I hadn't wanted him to attack with drugs. I should have fucking known.

I had to push off of the floor again as he followed me. Then all I could do was dodge to the side, then again. His hand was moving fast, twisting around, his hand like a snake's head, the syringe constantly ready to plunge as soon as it met flesh. I followed the hand with my eyes, but I couldn't keep its movements in my head long enough to figure out where the hand would go next. I couldn't take the chance on grabbing it and being wrong.

"You're good," I panted.

"For you," he whispered, and the response took me aback. He attacked immediately, sensing more than seeing the sudden weakness. I barely managed to dodge.

"Consider yourself dumped, pal," I managed. He'd already gotten a little bit of drug into my system, and I could feel it slowing down my body by that tiniest degree. And all the adrenaline pumping through my body couldn't change the fact that my elevated heartbeat was pushing the drug through my system even faster. I cursed.

"Not yet," Troit said. "Not yet. I'll show you how strong I am – how I can protect you."

"With drugs?" I panted, but he was already moving.

I had to duck to the side to avoid his attack, since the wall was too close to my back, and I slid around and kicked at him. He hopped back, then straight back forward again. It was like a dance, one where neither partner was giving up dominance. Neither of us got a hit in, and the groaning of the door got louder and louder until it turned into a squeal.

"I'm running out of time," Troit murmured. Then, impossibly, his speed picked up.

And I lost sight of him.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, and his breath was on my ear. I spasmed away, but he gripped my arm and a familiar plunge made me gasp. The shock of pain told me that he'd specifically aimed for a nerve, and pain lanced up my arm. It slowed me just long enough for him to successfully squeeze in the drug.

"Fuck!" I snapped, then shouted, "I've been drugged!" to the others trying to get inside.

I very distinctly heard a panicked curse.

I managed to twist myself away and pulled out the needle, brandishing it as a weapon. But now Troit seemed more than content to wait. As if his entire purpose had been to knock me unconscious. So I wouldn't interfere in the upcoming fight? I cursed again. Fuck. He'd wanted this.

I could almost feel the drug in my system, slowing me down, cutting off my adrenaline. I took a deep breath, clenched my fingers until my nails bit deep into my skin. My focus sharpened.

The squeal rose a bit more in volume, and then a sharp bang. "Yuy, we're in!"

And thank God, thank God but back-up arrived.

"Duo!" Heero immediately shouted, and he moved to get beside me.

And then Troit was moving toward me, and I could only stumble back. He ignored me, though, and threw a hand between Heero and me.

"I won't let you hurt him anymore."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The bastard who had drugged me was telling Heero not to hurt me? What the fuck was that all about?

I bit my lip until it bled, forcing myself to stay aware. With a quick step, I wrenched forward and grabbed the man's gun away from him. He turned in reaction, grabbed me up and wrenched my wrist back. On a sharp cry, I dropped both the gun and my makeshift weapon and became a hostage in one quick movement.

His hand caught my throat, and I felt my own hands shake. Shit.

Not on my own fucking ship!

"Duo!"

"Maxwell!"

"The two of you must die," Troit said, his hand not quite clenching my throat too hard, but corded in a way to show he could strangle me. "For not being able to protect my love."

For some reason, this was difficult to write, too. Go figure.

(1)Troit. Said with an "oi"sound, such as coy.