I don't own anything. Darn.

The ninjas took the loss in stride. They appreciated our creativity and flare. We were just happy no one was injured, other than my pride and dignity. But I've accepted the cold hard fact it will take months to replenish my losses.

My topic list for my therapy discussions keeps growing by the hour. Maybe Sookie should come with me and hold my hand.

All in all it was a good match. The ninjas are coming over next Tuesday, for an Iron Chef viewing party, after we get back from our honeymoon.

I just booked our flight.

Tropical.

Fruity drinks.

Great food.

Swimming in the ocean.

Late night strolls down the beach.

Gazing at the stars at night.

Ha!

No.

We have a soccer team to make…pronto.

It's sexy time.

I packed our bags during the last intermission.

I am a multi-tasking super genius. Suck it, Wile E. Coyote.

"Can I have your attention ladies and gentlemen? Thank you. Let's give a round of applause to our commentators, Cotton and Pepper! Welcome back, men. You really took one for the team back there. Your country thanks you. As a token of our appreciation, here at the arena, we'd like to present you with two spa grooming packages. It looks like you missed a few spots. You know, a little professional assistance."

Gross. I hope they get hazard pay.

"Thank you, Mr. Shatner. It was touch and go there for a few moments. I didn't think we'd make it. Right, Pepper."

"Cotton, you don't come back from something like that in one piece. I can't get the smell out of my hair."

"It's alright, gentlemen. We've lit a few candles around you. You can spray some Lysol behind your ears."

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

"Okay, everyone, let's bring out our next group of contestants for our final Round 2 Match. Coming back to teach another lesson to the youth of society…Greener Pasture! They say their balls go deep. Well, folks, let's see how far they can go…Go Balls Deep!"

I wouldn't be prancing into the court with that intro, Bill.

Is that a Batman costume he's wearing?

That man didn't have any muscles an hour ago.

And as much as I hate to admit that I noticed, his ass wasn't Beyonce-worthy an hour ago, either.

Oh, sweet Jesus. They're all wearing ridiculous uniforms. I think they're all wearing the same weird tights.

Felipe even busted out his full Zorro ensemble. Mask, hat, cape and thigh-high boots. Interesting.

But no sword. Bummer.

Can the White Rick James run in his hooker heels? That's got to hurt the ankles. Maybe all the lace he's wearing is meant as a diversionary tactic?

The missing link can't possibly see with those eyebrows in the way. The hair on 'her' 'mole' keeps getting in 'her' mouth. She…it…whatever, is making a mess with all its spit and drool on the court.

Maintenance is going to be pissed.

Victor is sporting a heavy duty amount of black leather. Chaffing does not do a body good, sir. And why the hell would you wear a dog collar with chains attaching to your wrists? Can you be your own submissive? Do you tell yourself 'red'?

That seems like a lot of work.

Now that a take a closer look, Sigebert's brother's severe, lazy-eye situation has got to effect his aim. How does he know which direction to throw? How corrective are his glasses? Now that I think about it, does he drive?!

I starting to feel nervous for Bill's team. The old guys are looking scary as shit. They've disassembled their walkers and caring the parts like baseball bats.

That can't be good.

It looks like they're wearing utility belts this time. Strange.

"Sookie, twenty bucks we're about to see the remake of this afternoon's gladiator show."

"Isn't the EMT still taped to the pole out front?"

Uh-oh.

"Contestants, maintenance has requested that you keep the carnage to a minimum, please. The crew is starting to fatigue and have muscle cramping. Also, due to our lone EMT's bondage situation out front, the monkeys have kindly decided to administer physiotherapy and first aid. Please bare that in mind, participants. Good luck."

I've never seen spider monkeys, or any monkey for that matter, in scrubs and lab coats.

Do they really need a defibrillator?

That sure is a big box of surgical gloves.

"Pepper? Cotton? Are you gentlemen, okay. I saw you starting to sway. You're looking a little pale."

"No, no. We're fine, Mr. Shatner. The lingering odor is just making us have some flashbacks. The incident is still fresh. Literally."

"We'll light an extra candle and Lysol down Fat Bastard, again."

"Thank you, sir."

"Okay, contestants. Please get into your fighting positions on the court. Remember, our balls come in several sizes. Use yours accordingly."

"Commentators ready?"

"Ready."

"Greener Pastures, are you ready?"

"Jesus Christ, Shatner. Stop yapping. We're turning into fossils over here. Our pudding is not going to stay cold forever, man."

"Cranky. Go Balls Deep, are you ready?"

"Ready!" Very 1980s cheerleader squad, guys.

"On 3…3, 2, 1…Fight!"

"Dear God, Pepper. This match is reminiscent of the Showgirls incident of 1995. And we all know how THAT ended. Just grotesque. The horror."

"Amen to that, Cotton. I still have nightmares."

"The old folks managed to get all the balls and move them to the back of their court. And now they're coming out swinging. Batter up!"

"Cotton, I'd reconsider walking towards the geriatrics with the weapons, if I was Go Balls Deep. Someone better notify maintenance to start stretching."

"Excuse my Russian but holy shit, Pepper! Greener Pastures just mowed down the whole Go Balls Deep team at the knees with their walker bat parts."

"Ouchtown, Cotton. Go Balls Deep might not get it up. This doesn't look good. I'm seeing limp noodles."

"Someone hasn't been learning Tai Chi at the nursing home."

"Cotton, it looks like we're about to find out what's in their utility belts. Go Balls Deep needs to get off the floor. Greener Pastures is about to bring the rain."

"I think their coach is trying to get their attention. He's either performing a mutated starburst jumping jack or seizing. It a close call, Pepper."

"It doesn't appear to be working. It seems to have only incensed the old folks. He's going to need to adjust his tactics. The old folks want their pudding."

"Father Time has just broken Rick James' high heels off and torn the lace from his blouse."

"Cotton, little old man #2 just climbed the only possible female on the team like a tree. The duct tape it out! The eyebrows! He's taking off the eyebrows! Now he's moving to the mole. It looks like he's commandeered a rat for this task. This is not good."

"Father Time's great-grandfather has gone old school, Pepper. He's given the Dom a leather wedgie of all wedgies. We got a ball sticking out! Granddad's wrapping the chains around it. This might be a good time to call out 'Red'. It's just a suggestion, sir."

"The twin towers will not be able to get out unscathed, Cotton. Old man #4 and #5 are tag-teaming the mute with the whiteboard. Two punches to the face at the same time! It's a one, two punch. That's going to leave a mark. They've taken the other twin's glasses. He wondering! He looks lost. He's hit the back board. Now he's tripped over the bench. He's not stopping. He's going…going…going…and he's gone! It looks like he's headed for the lobby. I hope someone stops him before he gets to the interstate."

"Pepper, this is quite impressive. Father Time has Bill's head in a leg lock. Now he's reaching into his tool belt. He's got the clippers out. Oh, man. One buzz down the middle. It's the reverse skunk maneuver. Bill will no longer need to find the part in his hair. Problem solved."

"He's going to town on his uniform's padding, too. It's a mess of cotton, Cotton."

"Well, the rest of the team has run out of its last bit of patience. Team coach Felipe is now being dragged out to the court. His cape is a fringed, tasseled mess. And now they're going to make his mask double as a gag."

"No! I'm too sexy for prison!"

"Sorry, Felipe but no one is spared."

"Cotton, I think we can safely say we have a winner. Go Balls Deep has shriveled up."

"Greener Pastures is our winner! Could we have our new medical personal offer assistance to our participants? We'll call another hour intermission for clean-up, ladies and gentleman and judges."

"Excuse us, old people. I am Pam and these are My Bitches. Do you have a moment?"

"Sure. What can we do for you?"

"As you may have witnessed, my team is not your average dodgeball participant. Since my bitches do not have an affinity to play a proper game of dodgeball, we have a proposition for you. How do you feel about torture?"

"My name's Eric. What my colleague is trying to say, and failing miserable at, is that we have no desire to attempt to win the tournament now that Bill's team is out."

"Okay. So what is the proposition?"

"We'd like to annoy the hell out of Bill."

"We're listening."

"Have you ever heard of the Evolution of Dance?"

A/N Up next is The Final. Pam's Bitches vs. Greener Pastures.

I will have an Epi following the final match.

Thank you all for reading and reviewing. Let me know what you think of these guys.

I hope you are enjoying this silly story.

Thanks,

TMart