Wish You Were Here, by potionsmaster

Rating: M for language, some more than slightly adult situations with teenagers. Mentions of assaulting civilians. And guns. And they're drinking in a bar. And mentions of adult situations while they're drinking in said bar...wonder if there's any other vice I can shoehorn in...don't answer that, I know there are plenty. :P

A/N: Gratuitous shower scene, here we come.

Chapter 11: Never Have I Ever

As he washed off the barn dirt in the shower, Kaidan felt like he was scrubbing a great weight off his shoulders. He never told anybody all of it before, not even Rahna. He frowned to himself as he thought about her and what he supposed her reaction would have been. He doubted she would have been as understanding as Shepard, but she would have given him a smile anyway and said, "It's ok, Kaidan, it's over now. No use thinking about it." He turned his face up in the stream of water, letting it wash the suds and memories down the drain.

Kaidan turned his thoughts to the conversation he and Shepard had before they galloped home. His CO was becoming shockingly...human to him. Sure, he knew intrinsically that Shepard put his BDUs on one leg at a time, just like the rest of the crew, but the man was a living legend. It was hard not to picture him as this stoic war machine, incapable of feeling pain or fear. Just seeing him lock his armor plating in place sent a frisson of excitement through him when they geared up, though he was loathe to admit there might be a little more to it than plain old hero-worship at this point.

So long as he was being totally honest with himself, he wasn't exactly as comfortable with his preferences as he wanted to be. He was very grateful that Shepard didn't seem to care about...well. It. His fingers rubbed his scalp, trying to rinse out the last of the shampoo and found the amp port scar. Kaidan delicately traced it, remembering how gentle Shepard had been when he found it. Not like it hurt if anybody actually hit it, but still.

He shivered under the water, goosebumps playing across his overheated skin as a pleasurable shockwave flowed down to his toes. It was an unintended consequence of messing with his amp, usually unwelcome at best and inconvenient at worst. He couldn't lose the feeling of Shepard's fingers on his head, though, exploring the smooth edges of the burns. What had happened in the hay storage was definitely inconvenient; it took all the force of will he had to control it. Thank God his biotics didn't flare...

He blew out a shaky breath, willing that train of thought to a stop. This was completely inappropriate and he knew it, damn it. Now if only he could convince the rest of his body of that, he'd be ok. Kaidan reluctantly finished rinsing his hair; he remembered someone else touching his amp and it almost had the same result. Rahna. He sighed as he leaned against the cool tiles, head buried in his arms, steam roiling around him.

She had found him hidden away in a dark classroom after a particularly grueling lesson Vyrnnus gave. Kaidan had a migraine, a nosebleed, and a few new bruises to add to his collection to show for it. All the kids at BAaT were familiar with it themselves and had been trying to work out ways to relieve the discomfort anyway possible. What he had told Shepard was true; he had kept his clothes on, but some of the other students had not been so timid. He supposed he was lucky that Rahna had the same ideals he did in that regard. But what he hadn't expected was that she might have changed her mind.

She sat on the floor next to him, resting her dark head against his bony shoulder. He wrapped a tired arm around her, enjoying the warmth and the company. Gagarin Station was always chilly. Rahna put her soft lips to his cheek, then brushed them next to his ear. She whispered that she had heard about something the other kids did and thought it might help relieve the pain from his migraine. She said one of the other girls had tried it and it had interesting results. He blinked at her dully; they had kissed a bit, maybe gotten a little hands-y at times, but nothing like what she was suggesting. He remembered not really caring at that moment, either; he just wanted the throbbing to stop. He told her she was welcome to try.

Rahna gave him a seductive smile as she slid her long fingers across his scalp and started massaging his amp port. His breath hitched as sharp tingles started to spread, warmth pooling in his stomach and lower. Her other hand was on his thigh, fingers mimicking what she was doing to his amp. It felt almost too good. She buried her face in his neck as she pressed herself against him, warm kisses ghosting their way up to his lips. His eyes fluttered closed; blue sparks were beginning to flicker around him in the dim room. His own hands clutched at the floor, sensations overloading his body. She murmured something in his ear, but he couldn't tell what; there was a buzzing in his skull that was drowning everything out.

Her hand slid over his pants and found what she was looking for. It was too much. Kaidan felt his whole body seize up as a brilliant nova of cerulean energy crackled around him, the world fading to white. Breathing heavily, he felt a trail of fire drip down his lips. He dragged his eyes open and touched under his nose. He saw fresh blood on his trembling hand and caught sight of Rahna sitting beside him, arms crossed. He tried to pull her back into a hug, but she shrugged him off, giving him a dirty look.

Kaidan quickly shoved the memory away, not wanting to continue it. That was his first 'complete' experience with anybody and he was undecided if he was ok with how it ended. He wasn't sure what Rahna had been expecting. Maybe she had gotten a nasty shock from the biotics; he didn't know at the time that that was even possible. It made him very careful during any other experience he had. It seemed that whenever he lost control of himself, even in minor situations like that, it came back to royally bite him in the ass. He shifted under the water, letting it splash over him.

At least it had gotten rid of the headache.

He pondered how he had managed to convince himself that he'd been in love with Rahna. Looking back, she had been very content to receive his attentions but hadn't been so big on returning them. He tucked the memories back into their box to be examined at a later time; he was good at compartmentalizing, almost to a fault. Besides, Abigail wouldn't want to hear about his mental druthers; she hated Rahna on principle. Kaidan rubbed his hands over his face and turned off the water.

Shepard was apparently not going to fit neatly into a box, nor would the box stay closed. It was very confusing. Kaidan had no idea what Shepard's own preferences were, or if they had been flirting, or...only making some really suggestive jokes. And it seemed like Shepard had a bit of a different idea about personal space bubbles than most people. He guessed he had seen something similar on other ships he served on between regular fire team squad-mates. Maybe he was too uptight. Or maybe he was paranoid. He wanted Abby's opinion.

He toweled his hair carefully, watching himself in the mirror. It was due for a trim. At least he didn't have to keep it regulation short anymore; there were some perks to being an officer. Back in BAaT, they shaved his head for surgery and he had been all dark eyebrows, haunted eyes, and stranded ears until it grew back. It was almost the same face that had looked back at him when he enlisted and went through boot camp. Once out, he had kept a high and tight, but he still thought he looked like a cartoon until he made officer and was able to let it grow out.

He frowned again, looking at the lines that had recently developed in his forehead. Nothing he could do about those. He gave a small sigh and lightly applied hair gel to keep it off his face, then wrapped the towel around his waist. Once he was sure it was secure, Kaidan padded down the hall to his room and smacked face-first into Shepard's chest in his doorway.

"Unf!"

"Careful, LT!" Shepard grunted on impact, grabbing him by the shoulders to keep them both upright. Kaidan swallowed hard, feeling the warmth of the commander's hands on his damp skin.

"It's my room; I shouldn't have to be," he retorted, "What're you doing in here, anyway?" His ears were burning at the contact and he hoped Shepard didn't notice. Infatuation had sunk some deep hooks in and now they were twisting. He shrugged out of the commander's grasp and pushed his way into the room. Shepard followed him and flopped on Kaidan's bed. He was wearing a crisp new pair of dark jeans and an undershirt that was rather tight. Kaidan studiously ignored him as he opened his closet.

"Your mother said I should raid your room again for something to wear tonight."

Kaidan was frozen in front of the clothes storage, unsure what his next move was going to be. He was acutely aware that only a piece of cloth was keeping him from being totally nude in front of Shepard, not that the commander was paying any attention. He felt guilty about being self-conscious; they were soldiers serving together. It was nothing out of the ordinary for men to be naked in front of other men in the lockers or showers.

"I suppose you could borrow a sweater," he mumbled, more to himself than anything as he slid hangers around, looking at the clothes. He decided he hated everything in his closet at the moment.

"You can't be serious," Shepard had a dubious look on his face.

"Afraid so. Or this button down, it's a titch too big for me."

Shepard guffawed. "Nobody uses a word like 'titch' anymore, Kaida - what's that?" Kaidan was still sifting through his closet. "What's what?" he asked distractedly.

"That."

He saw Shepard staring at his left hip, looking delighted as he pointed. Dark purple points had bloomed at the top of his towel, which had started to slip dangerously low.

"Oh, uh...that. That's nothing," he faltered, tightening the towel.

"That didn't look like 'nothing'. Your lies are as terrible as your introductions." Kaidan shot him a look.

"Pretty sure I'm not the first marine with ink, Shepard." He matter-of-factly ignored the commander as the man crawled across the bed on his stomach with an awed expression on his face. He doubted Shepard realized what he was doing was highly flirtatious.

"Yeah, but I never would have imagined that you of all people would have one. What is it?"

"Not important, Shepard." Kaidan was dismissive as he pulled a shirt off a hanger.

"I want to know! And, way more important, see."

"Not happening."

"Don't make me pull rank, LT."

"Off-duty, remember?"

"OK. Then I'll pull the towel."

"You wouldn't!" Kaidan clutched at the cloth around his waist, eyes widened in shock. Shepard let a devious smirk grow on his face.

"Oh, I think might. It'd just be easier to show me, you know."

Kaidan sighed and rubbed the back of his hand across his forehead, acquiescing. "Don't judge; I got it when I came home from BAaT. I was looking for...peace? Absolution? I dunno. Abigail got one at the same time, but she went all out. A dragon and a tiger."

Shepard tucked a finger into the top of the towel and tugged gently as he ran his tongue over one of his canines. The goosebumps came back, crawling up Kaidan's arms. Maybe Shepard did know how distracting he was...

"That doesn't surprise me at all," he said playfully. He was having way too much fun tormenting the lieutenant. He also incredibly didn't mind the excuse to touch him, either. The goosebumps hadn't escaped his notice. Shepard briefly thought it was a good thing his stomach was pressed into the bed.

Kaidan slapped his hand indignantly and shot him a dirty look. "You have personal boundary issues, you know that?" He carefully arranged the towel so that the way he held it covered everything in the front but was loose enough to droop around his hips and rear.

Shepard nodded appreciatively, drinking in the image. He wanted to trace the outline but thought better of it. A dark purple flower that faded to yellow in the middle was nestled into the hollow of the lieutenant's hip. A few petals had fallen off and trailed down, but the towel blocked the view. He appreciated what the artist did with the falling petals; they definitely complimented the canvas they were on. "I like the colors. Is it a lotus?"

"I'm surprised you know what a lotus is."

"Give me some credit, Kaidan. I know a tiny bit about Buddhism. But why your hip?" Kaidan knotted the towel tightly against his stomach again. "Easier to hide underneath the underwear."

"That's a shame. I like it...almost wish it was somewhere else so I could see it more often." Shepard didn't bother to hide his disappointment.

"I got it for me, not other people, Commander."

"Fair enough." Shepard bounced himself off the mattress, recognizing the signs of the lieutenant closing down. He was in control of himself again, anyway. "I'll just wear my N7 hoodie again and let you dress in peace. I have to check reports on the Normandy's progress before we go, anyway. Last I knew, they found some fried wiring behind a few panels. That might extend leave by a day or two if they can't get the proper gauge." Kaidan watched him leave, still holding the towel in place as butterflies flitted in his stomach. Nosiest CO indeed.

"Just be careful tonight, John. Some of the locals can get...rowdy. Especially after a few too many."

"I think we'll be ok, Mrs A. Have you ever been in an officer's club? That can be a raucous crowd."

Mrs Alenko smiled, "If I ever was, I don't remember." The doctor shook his head, "Oh, you do, you just don't want to admit it." She flushed and swatted at his arm, impish grin tugging at her lips. Shepard was leaning against the counter in his usual spot, watching Kaidan's parents put away dishes from the dishwasher.

"I can always bring my pistol, but that might be a bit much," Shepard pointed out.

"Probably, Commander," Dr Alenko agreed.

"You'd cause another diplomatic incident, Shepard. I'd leave it at home," Kaidan interjected. The three adults turned to look at him.

"You take all the fun out of life, K."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at him. "Uh-huh. Someone needs to keep you in line."

"I would just claim 'Spectre business' and it'd be fine."

Dr Alenko looked disgruntled. "Wait..." he broke in, "another diplomatic incident?"

The men shared a sheepish look as Kaidan replied, "Surprised you didn't hear about it, Pop. Shepard punched a reporter from Westerlund News. ANN and Citadel News Net were all over it." Dr Alenko gave them a stern look and Mrs Alenko put her hands on her hips.

"John," she admonished. Kaidan bit his lower lip, trying not to laugh. "If you even want to call it a 'punch'...more like a bitch-slap. I don't think I've ever seen worse form," he chuckled; he couldn't help himself.

"Kaidan!" his mother rounded on him, "Both of you! I just-I can't even-" She was speechless.

"It's not like I wanted to seriously hurt her! And I was in armor; I wasn't going to throw a hay-maker," Shepard protested, throwing his hands up in innocence. Dr Alenko cleared his throat. "I'm not sure that was the best way for you to handle the situation, Commander. That was childish." Kaidan swallowed his laughter and tried to be serious.

"You're representing all of us now, to the entire galaxy. How do you think that looks?" Shepard hunched his shoulders, looking suitably chagrined. He truly hadn't thought about that when it happened. Kaidan moved between his father and Shepard. "He got a dressing down from the brass, Pop, and it released to the press for damage control. It's over and done with. Let it be." Dr Alenko had a stormy look on his face, but bit his tongue. "We gotta go anyway; Abigail will skin us if we're late," he added.

"No pistols," came the firm reprimand.

"No pistols," Kaidan agreed. Shepard rubbed the back of his neck as they made their way to the garage and into the truck. Kaidan nudged his shoulder and gave the commander a tiny smile as he backed out of the garage and headed down the long driveway.

"Looks like it was my turn to be the teenager," Shepard muttered, looking abashedly out the window.

"It happens," the lieutenant said, "but I believe someone told me that it only works if you let it get to you."

Shepard gave a rueful snort. "They sound smart. It wasn't my proudest moment when I hit her, I'll admit." Kaidan didn't say anything as he drove.

"...Felt good, though." Shepard added after a bit.

"You're incorrigible."

Abigail had secured a booth in a corner of the lowly lit bar by the time they had arrived. She looked sultry with her curly hair cascading around her bare shoulders, black slouchy top revealing her tattoos on her back. On her left shoulder blade was a black and green dragon snaking between tendrils of purple smoke and on the right was a full color tiger surrounded by blue lightning. The two images met in the middle of her back and intertwined down her spine. Shepard was surprised at how soft around the edges she was as she knelt on the table to wave them over; he thought she would have been a gym rat from how severely she had been dressed earlier.

Kaidan whistled appreciatively. "Going for free drinks tonight?" he teased, slipping his jacket off as he slithered into the booth next to her; she had dropped back into her seat again and immediately reached for the biotic. Shepard sat across from them, feeling like a third wheel. He steeled himself for more pointed comments directed at him and Abby laying all over the lieutenant to mark her territory.

"Maay-be," she said with a lilt in her voice, "You'll have to work the bar for me, though. Bartender doesn't swing my way." Shepard glanced towards it and saw all females tending it. Lovely. There wasn't going to be any good distraction, either. He busied himself with the zipper of his hoodie, zoning out. Laughter rang out above the thumping music, allowing him to pretend he couldn't hear anything they were saying. Abigail had practically crawled in Kaidan's lap, arms wrapped around his shoulders, whispering in his ear. Kaidan was trying to extract himself from her attentions as gracefully as he could; he saw Shepard was deliberately avoiding looking at them.

"Abby, c'mon. Knock it off. You're making this awkward, not to mention I'm a little uncomfortable." She pouted, but removed her arms from around him. Kaidan put a couple of inches between them and she rolled her eyes.

"Oh, please. Like we haven't been closer than that before..." He felt the tips of his ears grow hot. Shepard was fascinated by something in his pocket, not paying attention at all. Kaidan hoped he hadn't actually brought a gun. The thought of frisking his commander floated unbidden through his head. He quashed it quickly with a sharp intake of breath. Highly inappropriate, he reminded himself. Abigail narrowed her eyes at him, then glanced at the commander. She couldn't help thinking they were both being stupidly obtuse as she pieced it together; she had an idea now as to why Shepard bristled at her with every interaction. A harebrained scheme started gelling in her head.

"So. Commander Friendly."

Shepard slid his eyes up to her green ones deliberately, bracing himself. "What're we drinking? K-dog tells me you're choosing first round. Make it a good one." He lifted an eyebrow. "K-dog?" Kaidan looked deliciously flustered at the nickname. "What do you like?" he asked, more to be polite than anything and spare the lieutenant anymore embarrassment.

"Bitch drinks or hard liquor. I don't do beer," she replied as she leaned across the table, "I just can't seem to develop a taste for it." Shepard nodded, wary of her. She traced a finger across the tabletop, staring deep into his eyes with a hard glare. He vaguely wondered if she was referring only to the beer with the last comment. It felt like she was warning him off. "Right. I'll be back," he muttered, moving towards the bar. It was a relief to be able to get lost in the crowd.

Kaidan watched his retreating form and threw her a look. "Quit being such a witch," he griped at her, "We're supposed to be having a good time." She rubbed her cheek on his shoulder as she wound her arm with his and he was uneasily reminded of Rahna again. After a few minutes Abby sighed, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be. I'm selfish; I miss you and want you all to myself." He bumped her forehead with his. "Sorry, but that's not happening. I can't just leave him." She barked out a laugh.

"Tell me about it. He puts up a good front, but he's like a lost puppy. Have you seen the way he loo-"

"Me or him?" Shepard broke into the conversation, "he follows me like my shadow when we're on missions. Of course, I order him to, but that's beside the point." Shepard had appeared from nowhere and plunked down six double shots of rum. Abigail pursed her lips and examined the commander. He surreptitiously looked her over, their eyes meeting in mutual challenge. She knew he had interrupted on purpose, the ass. It all but confirmed her suspicions. Kaidan gave him an incredulous look.

"Are we taking a cab tonight?"

"I can take yours if you want, but I need social lubricant," Shepard clarified, catching and holding his gaze over the top of a shot glass, "Besides, it's early." He downed the shot while maintaining eye contact. Kaidan felt a rush of warmth spread in his chest as he watched the commander swallow the golden brown liquid. Abigail got a gleeful look as she reached for one, elbowing him in the side. "Ooo, and he's honest. Let's do this." She knocked it back, wincing at the burn. Kaidan was fighting to not think too hard about Shepard's actions or choice of words over the past few days as he pulled one towards him; it certainly implied things.

"I better not regret this..." Kaidan muttered before downing the liquor. "You won't," Shepard promised, voice softer than before. Abby was reaching for another. "What should we toast?" she said loudly, holding it up. "Drinking. It's a shore leave tradition," Kaidan quipped.

"Cheers," Shepard said, swallowing his second and shaking his head as he slapped the shot-glass on the table, "Someone else's turn to choose." Abigail shoved Kaidan playfully after she finished hers. "You're closer," she said. He huffed a small laugh but went to go order. She fixed Shepard with a sharp stare again. "So, I need your help with something," she stated. He eyed her cautiously. Kaidan had left his second shot untouched.

"Oh?"

"You need to help me get Kaidan drunk. He starts singing and dancing, sometimes he glows blue. It's really fun," she purred as she leaned conspiratorially across the table, placing a hand on his forearm. He stared at it, willing her to move.

"You know I need him to drive back, right?" he said darkly.

"Fine. Tipsy, then. If you've never seen him loosen up, you're in for a treat. Did you know he giggles?" Shepard furrowed his brow and squinted through the crowd, looking for said man. He could really use that drink right about now. Abby continued with a silky tone, "And he will tell you just about anything if you ask. It's a pretty useful trick." He focused on the slender woman again. "Why are you telling me this?"

She tilted her head down and looked up at him through her eyelashes, eyes smoldering. "Because he also gets really open to suggestions. Could be fun...but you already think that, don't you?"

Shepard scowled at her. "Not interested," he said flatly, "And I don't know what you're talking about."

"Mmm, I think you're lying," she hummed. He continued to glare at her. "What about, exactly, will come to light a little later, methinks." He sighed. This was not going to be pleasant. She eyed the forgotten rum. "Split it with you?" she asked, running her tongue over her top lip.

"No offense, Abby, but you can stop with the hints. You're not exactly my type." Her eyes warmed as she smiled, tongue still playing with her lip. Victory. "None taken. I get the feeling I'm a little too much 'girl' for you, since you spend more time eye-fucking Kaidan than me. I don't usually go for such hard personalities myself, but you're Commander Shepard, first human Spectre! When will I ever get another chance?" He snorted and shook his head, struggling not to react to her comments. "I'm serious! Who else can say they hit on the great man himself?"

"You're a piece of work, you know that?"

"Yep. It's a bad habit. So about that rum..." she pushed it towards him. Kaidan came back then with four more double shots of rum and a lowball three-fingers deep of whiskey on the rocks. Shepard quirked an eyebrow at the whiskey. "I can't do rum...got sick off it when I was younger and it doesn't end well," the lieutenant explained. Abigail batted her eyes at him.

"And the whiskey makes you look so sophisticated," she giggled, "especially when you swirl it." He gave her a suave look while he mockingly twirled the amber liquid in its glass with a practiced hand. Shepard stifled an eye roll and took the entire double shot that Abby pushed towards him. A warm fuzziness was starting to grow in the pit of his stomach. He rolled his head, trying to loosen up his neck.

Kaidan flicked his eyes to the commander at the movement. He could admit freely to himself at this point that Shepard was fairly easy on the eyes. Abigail was crawling on the table again, trying to see if the cover band was setting up. "So what's the plan?" he asked, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her back down. Shepard had a politely glazed-over expression while he watched the crowd.

"I either need to drink a lot more and actually get drunk or I need to go to bed," he said lazily, locking his heavy-lidded gaze on Kaidan's, "And you, my friend, need to catch up somehow." He leaned his elbows on the table, pushing the lowball towards the biotic, "I'll need back up to deal with this one." He nodded towards Abigail as she started excitedly smacking Kaidan on the arm. "I know! We need to play 'Never Have I Ever'!" she exclaimed.

Both men groaned. "Don't be such pansies. It'll be fun, come on! I'll go first. Never have I ever...slept on a starship before. I'll start with easy ones," she said slyly. They shared a look as they clinked their drinks.

"One question is a sip. Otherwise by the fourth question, I'll be on the floor," Kaidan specified.

"Fine, yeah, whatever. Drink!" came the fast response and dismissive hand wave. He heaved a sigh and looked at Shepard again. Shepard shook his head and took half a shot, refusing to cringe at the fire crawling down his throat. Kaidan followed suit.

"My turn," Shepard said, "Never have I ever...hmm. Gotten a tattoo." His eyes crinkled at the corners, amused at his own cleverness. Abby toasted Kaidan and they took their drinks. "How'd you find out his dirty little secret, Commander?" she asked, voice coy. "I have my ways," Shepard replied with a smirk. Kaidan felt his face go hot as he remembered Shepard pulling on the towel.

Abigail glanced between the two of them, chewing her bottom lip. "I'm sure you do," she said, noting Kaidan's red ears, "But I want to know how you managed to squeak it out of him."

"Alright, alright," Kaidan broke in, effectively cutting her off. "Never have I ever shoved a tampon up my nose." He looked pointedly at Abby as she gracefully knocked back the remainder of a double.

Shepard froze in shock. "What?!" he asked, searching Kaidan's face for an explanation. The lieutenant had a smug grin in place as he replied, "You heard me. Apparently they're good for nosebleeds." Abby demurely flipped him the bird. "I'll save that for later," he quipped, pretending to put it in his pocket, "Your turn." He was starting to feel the buzz at the base of his skull.

She blinked at the table, surveying the mostly empty shot glasses. "We'll need more," she complained, words slurring slightly, "Never have I ever. Huh. Slept with a girl." Both men stared at her and grabbed a drink. Shepard caught her gaze with a mischievous twinkle as he tossed his rum down. She looked between them in surprise. Apparently she had miscalculated the commander.

"Really? You walked into that one," Kaidan smirked at her. He seemed to think that Shepard sleeping with a girl was the norm; she couldn't figure out why it appeared her friend was deliberately missing all the signs to the contrary. She fixed Shepard with a beady-eyed stare and tossed another shot. Shepard had his own devious grin playing on his lips; he had a feeling Abigail was digging for intel. He was sure it was the booze taking over, but he didn't really care. He bet she had been taken aback by him drinking to her last statement; it was only once when he was in Boston and it was just to 'make sure'. He was also willing to wager that she would come out with something worse next time. Shepard was actually looking forward to it; it'd been a while since he played any type of game.

"I'll go get the next round," he said. His limbs felt pleasantly loose as he stood up. He clapped a hand on Kaidan's shoulder and squeezed gently as he walked past him on the way to the bar; he couldn't help himself. He missed the wistful glance Kaidan shot him as his hand drifted away. He also missed Abigail's eagle eyes taking it all in.

"Hmph," she muttered darkly, draping herself in her best friend's lap. "Well, what were you expecting?" Kaidan asked before finishing his whiskey. He noted his cheeks were starting to feel a little numb. He figured if this was the way the game had turned already, he would need more liquid courage. Abigail could be ruthless in her questions. He was glad she was, because he would never be brave enough to ask anything like she would.

"I dunno, K-dog. I'll have to try harder to shake him. I want him to squirm."

Kaidan snorted, "You've never heard radio chatter or locker room talk from marines before, have you. We're a pretty salty bunch." Shepard came back and carefully placed a bottle of rum and a bottle of whiskey on the table in front of them. "So we don't have to walk as much," he said, sounding pleased. Abby detached herself from Kaidan and leaned over the table, kissing Shepard lightly on the tip of his nose. He leaned back, startled. Kaidan was refilling his glass as he watched the exchange.

"That's amaze-balls, Commander Friendly! How'd you do it?"

He rubbed his nose with a wry smile. "Special discount for military," he said, " My turn, right? Never have I ever...kissed a boy." Both Kaidan and Abby started to take a drink, though Abby was glaring daggers at him. "Wait for it," Shepard continued, holding up a hand. They paused expectantly, drinks halfway to their mouths. "In a hay storage," he finished, eyeing Kaidan. The biotic shot him a dirty look as he took a slug of his whiskey.

Abigail put her shot down and stuck her fist out to Shepard for a fist bump. To his own surprise, he returned it. She clapped her hands together excitedly. Kaidan caught his eye and quirked an eyebrow. Shepard winked at him and poured more whiskey in the lowball. The butterflies were back and mixing with the liquor. 'How about that,' Kaidan thought.

The biotic leaned back in the booth, studying his commander sitting calmly across from him. He felt like time was slowing down and he was moving underwater. He rubbed his foot against the table leg, trying to decide what his next statement would be in the game.

"Never have I ever been to Boston."

"Guess that's fair, considering," Shepard said, taking a full double shot this time.

"Payback's a bitch," Kaidan agreed, cocking his finger at him like a gun.

"Never have I ever had a crush on a coworker," Abby said, giving them sidelong glances. Both men took a drink. Shepard let out a small sigh of relief. That question was fairly benign, considering the subject matter of choice.

"Never slept with a biotic," he said, eyeing Kaidan's profile. Abigail took a shot while ruffling Kaidan's hair; Shepard was a little startled that the lieutenant didn't drink at that one. Kaidan shook her off, ears tinged pink again. To his surprise, the table leg moved back against his foot. He looked at Abigail quickly and she had tucked her legs up underneath her skirt on the booth cushion. He cautiously returned the pressure and felt a jolt as their ankles touched.

The commander waved a tipsy finger at them. "I knew it," he said triumphantly.

"Like it was that hard to figure out," Abby burbled back. Kaidan looked miffed. "It was years ago. Let's move on," he said, "My turn again. Hmmm...Never have I ever..." He drummed his fingers on the table as he thought outloud, "What have I never done..."

He locked eyes with Shepard and decided to take a chance.

"I never fell for a subordinate."

It was like all the warmth was sucked out of the room. Shepard's face immediately went blank as he grabbed the half-empty rum bottle. "I'm bored with the game; I don't think we should play anymore." Abigail clutched Kaidan's thigh under the table as Shepard poured another double for himself, avoiding Kaidan's gaze.

Kaidan felt like a door had slammed shut in his face. He looked down at his lowball and swirled the liquor just for something to do, a sinking feeling in his gut. Maybe he had read the signals wrong after all. Abigail pried the bottle of rum out of Shepard's hands and poured a drink for herself.

"Well. Never have I ever had a game end like that," she grumbled to herself. Kaidan shoved his drink back and stood up, suddenly wanting to be alone. "I've gotta go...I'll - I'll be back," he stammered, making his way towards the bathroom. They both watched him leave, unsaid words straining the quiet between them.

"What the fuck was that?" Abigail hissed, shoving a finger into Shepard's chest the second Kaidan's back disappeared in the crowd. Music pounded in the background, filling the silence between them. He didn't look at her. "Fuck," she spat, throwing herself back into her booth, arms crossed under her breasts. He didn't meet her eyes. "You wouldn't understand," he said to his shot-glass.

"I don't have to. That was a dick move, Commander."

His head lolled. Too much rum on an empty stomach. "I can't." Abby shot him a poisonous look.

"I don't care," she snapped, "I can't believe you...leading him on like that." Shepard glared at her with just as much venom.

"I mean, I can't get that close. It was a mistake, alright? A big mistake." She lifted an elegant eyebrow, offended.

"That is my best friend you are calling a 'mistake'. Would you like some salt to go with your foot? Because you're really shoving it in there..." He leaned forward on his elbows, room tilting.

"Not what I said...I would never call him a mistake; I meant I made a mistake. I let it go too far. I never should have come here to begin with," he lamented. Abigail put her face right next to his. "Fuck you," she snarled, "Why would you even think this was remotely ok?"

He stared at her morosely through an alcoholic haze, noses an inch apart. "It's not. I gotta talk to him. It's really not him. It's regs." Abigail flicked his nose and he blinked.

"If you break his heart, I will break every bone in your body. Just so we're clear. I'll be on the dance floor if you need me, you pompous ass." She stalked away, hair bouncing. Shepard dragged himself up and started working his way to the bathroom, scanning the crowd for the biotic. He noticed an exit to the alley in the hallway to the restrooms and poked his head out. Kaidan was leaning against the wall under the stars, opening and closing one fist around a blue glow.

"Kaidan...?" He stepped outside. The lieutenant looked up, startled.

"Oh. Shepard," he said dully, "What're you doing out here?"

"Looking for you."

"Well, you found me." He didn't look at the commander as he continued to flare his biotics. Shepard leaned on the wall next to him, barely any space between them. Kaidan didn't want to be that close, but there was no way he was going to give any ground, either.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said, "I forgot myself. This is why I don't drink much, especially around my crew. It ruins the illusion." Kaidan scoffed.

"Seems like there was a little more going on than just drinking tonight, Shepard. What're we doing?"

Shepard looked at him mournfully. "Being good little soldiers," he replied softly.

"Shepard..." Kaidan trailed off, "This is why I told you-"

"I know," the commander interrupted, " 'Think of me as neuter,' blah blah blah. It's difficult."

"Yeah. And frustrating."

"Yeah. If I weren't your CO...or if we just met randomly on shore leave..."

"I hear ya," Kaidan replied thickly, his stomach jerking. So it was flirting. He swallowed hard. Good to know. He squeezed his eyes shut, not really wanting it confirmed. It just made it worse, realizing that the feelings were mutual and being unable to do a damn thing about it. Shepard sighed heavily.

"This was not how I pictured it going," he muttered. Kaidan rolled his head to the side, staring at Shepard's profile.

"How did you picture it?"

"I hadn't really gotten that far," Shepard admitted, looking at him. Kaidan snorted derisively, shaking his head. He let his hand drop and it brushed against Shepard's. His CO didn't move away from the contact. "The mission has to come first," Shepard said quietly, "Always. There's just too much at stake."

"Yeah." Kaidan's throat constricted around the word.

"Maybe...when it's over..."

"Shepard, you know as well as I do that it's probably not ever going to 'be over'; there's always going to be another mission. Either I transfer to another ship and command so it would be possible and we would never see each other, or I stay on the Normandy and we still would never be able to see each other."

"I don't want you to go."

"I don't want to go, either. So what do we do?" Kaidan looked at him. Shepard gave him a sad smile and hooked his pinkie around Kaidan's.

"Lots of cold showers," he joked. The lieutenant's breath caught in his chest as he felt Shepard's finger wrap around his. He huffed a laugh.

"Yeah. And working out, I imagine." Shepard sighed, looking at their linked hands. "I don't want to lose this. But it can't go any further. And therein lies the problem, LT."

"Ok. So we just keep doing what we're doing. Wait for the mission to complete."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean we keep talking to each other, spend time together when we can. If the feelings last to the end of the mission, we'll give it a shot. If not, well...it would've been a nice idea."

Shepard swallowed hard, squeezing his little finger around Kaidan's. "Sounds hard to do, but I'm willing." Kaidan nodded, eyes still on Shepard's face. "It can't change anything with the crew," Kaidan warned.

"Agreed," he said, then shivered in the late March night air. Kaidan gave him a soft smile, "You cold, Shepard?"

"Maybe a little," he admitted, "Aren't you?"

"No," Kaidan smiled a little broader, "Biotics run hot." He pushed himself off the wall. "We should go back in for Abby," he said reluctantly. Shepard sighed and let his hand drop away from Kaidan's.

"Ok. And just so you know, I'm still pretty drunk. I might try to grope you. Please stop me."

The biotic shook his head yet again. "I wish I didn't have to." He opened the door and put a hand on Shepard's back, guiding him inside. Oh lord, did he wish he didn't have to...

A/N: I don't know about you guys, but I love it when Kaidan starts sharing his personal memories.