Shades of Gray

Note: It's been a while, as it has for over a year. Finals were insane, coming home was a welcome relief, even though most of my time was spent cleaning up and playing Kingdom Hearts II, and packing for England, where I am now. My computer went on the fritz when I first got here, so I had decided that I wanted to wait until I got back to try and get it back running again. However, because there were some music files I'd stored on my iPod shuffle that I wanted put onto the playlist and into my library, I decided to try and turn the computer on again. Fortunately, it's working again, so I can at least try to finish this chapter and put it on my iPod to post it (whatever space I have leftover from the music can be used for storage space).

My wayward muses have managed to come back with a ferocity I've never seen (for proof, go see my profile and look at the six new stories I've put up within the past week, not counting a second chapter on one of them, and a new story within Rain, Rain), so hopefully this story will start to see more frequent updates. I'll admit that I have a lot of things to work on, but hopefully I'll have the string of single chapter stories I've started and Ill Repute finished by the time I leave England in about two and a half weeks. This story will hopefully be completed by the end of the summer, by the time I head back to school for the fall semester.

"I'm sorry for wasting your time. See, who am I to say this situation isn't great when it's my job to make the most of it? Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me… Hey what's that you say? You're not blaming me for anything? Well, that's great… That's why I'm, I'm apologizing now." –Jason Mraz, "Absolutely Zero"

Chapter Eleven- Forked Paths

"You're not normal, are you?" Tomoe's voice seemed to tremble. I wasn't sure if it was fear or fury in her voice.

I swallowed, unsure of how to respond. For a moment, I considered raising my sword and making the quick swipe that would rob her of her life, and me of this problematic situation… but I shook that thought away in horror, knowing that I would also rob myself of my own humanity and heart. "I don't do this for my own pleasure." I knew it didn't seem that way, with streaks of blood on my clothes and the unsheathed, bloody sword in my hand.

"Then what do you do it for?" She demanded quietly.

"A cause. To better… everything." It sounded pitiful when I put it like that, but I didn't know what else to say to her.

"You… never told me."

I felt my breath catch in my throat. "How… How could I?" I cried, sliding the sword into its sheath and setting it on the table.

She shook her head. "How can I trust you now?" I realized with her words that she was both furious and fearful of me.

"I don't want you to be afraid of me." I told her quietly.

"I don't want to live with a killer!" She cried, wringing her hands. "I don't want to be married to a man I'm afraid will kill me in my sleep because I know his dirty secrets!"

"I would never hurt you." I reassured her.

"You lied to me."

I was stunned, staring at her openly. "You never asked."

"You should have told me. This is one thing I wish I'd known before I married you." Her voice was considerably lower than it had been.

"Would it have changed your mind completely?" I demanded, feeling my heart sinking low in dread of her answer. With those words, I knew I was opening a door that should remain closed… I knew I shouldn't have said it, because I knew that her next word would be a quiet affirmative. And when that happened, I knew that I would lose her forever. I hung my head, waiting for the axe of that final word to fall.

She seemed to be stumbling over her thoughts for a few seconds. "N-no…" She stuttered, hanging her own head. "No… even then, it would not have changed my mind."

And it was then that I turned my head up, reached over, and pulled her into my arms. "If I ever can… I'll get away." Burying my face into her hair I felt my first pangs of regret in my heart. "I promise I'll get away one day."

Even as I slowly woke out of my dream, I could still feel the warmth of the dream Tomoe in my arms. As the waking world overtook me, I lost the last bit of her that I ever felt these days. There had been a time when I had held my wife in my arms in bed, out in the world, in the quiet of our home… Now, all those things were mere memories and shadows of something that had once been real. My eyes blinked open lazily, and I stretched out of my sleeping position.

"You're awake." I was pleased to hear Kaoru's voice in the room.

I rolled over onto my other side to look at her. "Yeah, I am." I managed half a smile before I yawned and sat up.

"Did you sleep well?" She had her cat curled up in her lap, and she was petting him gently.

I nodded, climbing off the futon. "I did. I had to."

She bit her lip. "You're leaving today."

"Tonight, actually." I admitted.

She stared at Kuma without saying a word. She was tentative with whatever it was she wanted to say, and let the moment she could have said it slip away.

Instead, I stepped behind a screen and started changing into a fresh set of clothes. "I'll call whenever I can. Apparently there's some… business I should take care of." I couldn't lie to her… not completely.

"An assassination?" She asked, and her voice didn't waver as Tomoe's had.

I paused, considering the situation. Was it truly assassination, what I would have to do to Shishio? "In a way." I answered, stepping out from behind the screen.

"In a way?" She echoed, frowning.

"I'm not doing it for them, nor am I doing it for money. It's unfinished business I'll be taking care of when I… When I return."

She looked up from the cat. "So… you'll be returning… for sure?" The question was meant instead to imply that she was afraid I wouldn't survive.

"Yes." Her eyes searched mine, and I knew they were betraying everything I was feeling. Fear, worry, uncertainty, determination. Nothing I felt seemed to escape her gaze, until I finally looked away.

She smiled for me, set the cat down, and stepped toward the door. "We should go to breakfast."

"I'll be along in a moment." I assured her, running a brush through my hair. The windows had been left open, and a bright sky filled its view. The weather seemed well enough to travel in for the coming night. A light breeze fluttered in, and I breathed in the smells it brought. I wanted to enjoy the day, though most of it would be filled with business and things being seen to. With one, final look out the window, I turned and followed Kaoru toward breakfast.

By the time evening had come, I was a mess of jitters and worries. Hours had been spent with Aoshi, Okina, and Enishi trying to sort Kaoru's situation out. Her new identity was determined, and her future was mapped out. The route I'd take to Hokkaido was picked out, and times for me to safely call were planned. Endless collaboration on the future was made, and I felt guilty for all the trouble I had caused within everyone's life. By the time it was time for me to leave (in a new car), I hardly knew where the last of the quiet days had gone. The calm before the beginnings of the storm was coming to an electric close.

"Be careful." Aoshi warned stoically, the closest thing to concern he'd dare show me.

I nodded to him, and looked over everyone, "I can't even begin to express how sorry I am for bringing you all into this." I bowed.

Enishi laughed wolfishly. "Don't be stupid, Kenshin." He laughed. "All this was going to happen eventually, and I'm glad we're going to get to fight with you instead of against you. Shishio was going to start a war within his own group anyway, and we'd have been trying to intervene on the behalf of the people then… And eventually we might have tried to go against Katsura anyway." He slapped me on the shoulder. "Don't even worry about it."

Farewells were murmured quietly in the entrance hall of the Aoiya, and the last person I came to was Kaoru. Everyone else slowly filed out of the room to give us some time. Her smile was sad like Tomoe's had been every time she knew I was going out and doing something she hated.

"Don't look like that." I told her quietly. A look like that didn't suit her. I touched my index finger to her cheek and smiled. "I'm going to come back."

She stared at the floor. "It hardly makes sense, Kenshin." She began, then looked up into my eyes. "For everything that's happened… I still mean what I said last night. I don't hate you, and I can't hate you. It doesn't make sense, but that's how it is."

"I can't tell you how sorry I am for that, too. I was very selfish. Very foolish." I smiled with a slightly bittersweet edge. "I was buried in pain and misery, and I couldn't find my way out of it. Because of that, I lived my life on the line between heaven and hell, insanity and peace of mind… living and dying… It made no difference to me whether I was good or evil or a lost mixture of both… I suppose we all do to a certain extent. Some just do more so than others. A bit of good and a bit of evil, a bit of black and a bit of white… It's in all of us.

"Kaoru, I may be sorry for what I've done in the name of being selfish, but it means nothing now. I'm going to make it all up to you somehow or another. This is part of what I have to do. Just promise me you'll do what you can to be alright."

"I will." She whispered, and then her voice strengthened. "I want to help Aoshi and Enishi while I'm here. I want to make sure that when you do come back, you'll survive and be just fine. I want to beat the people who made you into who you were."

And the moment she finished speaking, she stepped forward and gave me a gentle hug. "Thank you, Kenshin."

I took in a long breath of her scent, then looked down at her, tilted her head up, and gave her a kiss. "No, thank you." I let her go and stepped down to put on my shoes. "I'll see you soon."

And I walked away.

End Chapter Eleven