Owlbus Humblebore and the Labyrinth of Doom
A Harry Potter Parody
Chapter Ten – Sola Enthanxfralthfish
Terry shifted in his place on the large recliner in the Lionarse common room. The common room was enormous. Lavender and gold dominated the décor – the tapestries all were brilliant shades of liliac with a gentle weaving of golden thread for colour - and Harmonia didn't care about any of it.
She sat on Terry's lap, half-asleep, half randy. She clearly was struggling to stay awake; her eyes would close themselves and, a moment later, she'd shake herself awake again.
"Harmonia," Terry said softly. It really was getting late and he was beginning to feel the effects of the long day. "you should go to bed. I think I probably ought to as well."
She mumbled something in his chest and groaned when he made an attempt to stand. Grimacing, he stroked the hair away from her face.
"We have class tomorrow, Harmonia," Terry whispered.
At once Harmonia came 'back to life' as though just rejuvenated by his words. She sat up far too quickly, then stood, grabbing Terry by the wrist as she dragged him up the staircase leading to the girl's dormitories – or at least that's what it had been labelled.
"At least we're going to bed," Terry grumbled as he struggled to keep in step with her fast pace. As the words spilled from his mouth, Harmonia pinned him to the wall and kissed him passionately. For having only recently passed her seventeenth birthday, her kiss was superb - not that Terry knew her kiss from any others, of course... (Well, there was aunt Marginal, but she doesn't count. Wretched bitch.)
"That's going to have to do for now," Harmonia said, panting as she tore her mouth from his. "I'm much to tired for any proper exercise."
Terry raised an eyebrow.
"I'll go, then..." he trailed off, not sure if she'd let him go.
She didn't. The second he prepared to turn, she, once again, had him against the wall.
"And let Rongfore get in on you? As if," she whispered concernedly. She tilted her head as if puzzled by his confusion and the expression on his face that was a sickening mixture of disgust and disturbance. "I've seen the way he looks at you," she growled sensually.
"Then, where am I going to sleep, then?" Terry asked, knowing the answer.
"With me," she said cheerfully, swinging the door to the second year girls' dormitory open. There were only two beds. One empty, the other with two girls (he suspected one to be Scarlet) and a male Terry was sure had been sorted into Snakepiss earlier.
Harmonia stood at the front of her bed and began to remove her clothing.
"What are you doing?" Terry swallowed thickly.
"Preparing for bed. Surely you've slept before?"
"Not... like this...," Terry managed. He hazarded a step in the direction of the enormous four-poster bed. Like the common room, it was bright lavender and gold. Touching the curtain nearest to him, he noted that it was made of fine velvet.
This was going to be a very good night's sleep, even if he was sharing it with another human, and even if that other human was an attractive, sweaty brunette with a desire for Terry the size of Cleveland. Usually, the only creatures brave enough to venture onto his sleeping rug had been Mary, Gary, Larry, Jerry, Barry, Carrie, Fairy, Harry, and Perry – the rats. He knew each of them by name.
"You must be terribly tired," Harmonia said with only a faint hint of sarcasm, "having never slept and all."
"Yeah..."
He felt marginally relieved as she slipped into a jumper, then terrified as she slid beneath the covers and bade him welcome to her bed.
Though Terry wasn't entirely sure about the existence of Heaven, if there were one, this mattress with this girl (who had somehow managed to end up wrapped in his arms) beside him had to be it.
Despite the lovely, rejuvenating sleep, something had woken Terry, and it wasn't Harmonia's warm breath on his neck. She, fortunately, was still fast asleep.
"Hi," said a voice. He turned his head to see a bright blonde before him. Her form was arguably better than Harmonia's, he noted, taking a momentary glance at her bright blue jumper. "You're Terry, right?"
Terry nodded in the darkness of the time in which normal people did the strange thing called sleep.
"I'm Sola," she chirped excitedly, offering her hand. She didn't seem at all offended that Terry felt too lazy and tired to offer his. "I was wondering if you'd be interested in some dog breath mints."
Terry groaned, setting his head back down against Harmonia.
"I can make it worth your while," Sola said, without the slightest hint of desperation. Terry groaned again. Was there another female so anxious to get with him?
"I... can... I can sell you two for the price of one!" she stammered, sighing when he didn't respond. "Please?" she added, placing her small hand on his shoulder, narrowly missing Harmonia's.
Terry shifted his way out of Harmonia's grasp and sat-up on the edge of the bed. Sleepily, he rubbed his eyes and stared at the blonde before him. She wore a grimace and a large red earring on each ear.
"Thanks," Sola whispered, then grabbed his wrist – something that was becoming increasingly common among the ladies on campus – and tugged him outside of the dormitory door.
"Something really strange is going on here," she said as they made it out of earshot. While she didn't pin him to the wall as Harmonia had, but she did keep him uncomfortably close to it (and was doing nothing to remedy his discomfort, though Terry suspected she did desire to).
Yes. Something strange was, indeed, going on here, Terry noted. A strange girl turned up at two in the morning with strange earrings, and a strange ... forget analogies. She's strange.
"And what would that be," Terry humoured her.
"Well, there's this voice, you see. And it keeps telling me to 'kill Bill'," she admitted.
As sleepy as Terry had been, he was now fully awake. Dred and Forge had told him she was on the stranger side of things, but schizophrenia hadn't come to mind. Not initially, at least.
"I'm not crazy," she insisted. "Actually, I'm probably one of the sanest people here," she added. She sounded sure of herself, but Terry wasn't quite up for believing her just yet.
"Why are you telling me all this?" he asked, letting himself slump backward against the wall.
"Because you're still pretty normal, too." She looked entirely serious and it was not April first.
"What do you mean 'still pretty normal'," Terry wondered aloud.
She got a little closer to him, allowing her lips to be separate from his ear by only a few short millimetres.
"People change here, Terry," she said worriedly. "I don't know why I haven't."
"So, the... the selling ... mints ... thing... it's all a..."
"Façade, yes." Sola nodded. "If they think I'm crazy, they'll leave me alone."
"But what about the voices?" Terry asked, not really sure that he could trust the witch before him. Harmonia had seemed normal enough. Clingy, yes, obsessive, yes, but still normal. At least as normal as one can truly be. Normality is more concept than actuality.
"Voice," she corrected. "There is only one voice."
That did little to settle his uneasiness. He glanced this way and that, seeking an escape route if things were to turn sour. He had yet to receive any magical training and doubted he could so much as defend himself against anyone so determined as the girl before him.
"Ooh, Rong, Rong!" Terry heard a squeal from the neighbouring dorm. The voice sounded uncannily like Scarlet's. He tried to ignore it.
"Follow me," Sola whispered, ushering him to follow.
"He's not going anywhere," Harmonia said firmly – and loudly.
"Harmonia," Sola croaked, watching as the older girl took a few steps toward her. She swallowed thickly, backing herself up against the wall as Harmonia neared.
"Trying to steal my boyfriend?" Harmonia hissed. Sola looked terrified for a moment, then, like something out of a film, Terry could see an idea wash over her. He wasn't quite sure who to root for.
"Oh, I'm not trying to steal him from you," Sola said sensually. A wicked grin played on her face. This witch was a brilliant actress... he hoped. "I'm trying to steal you from him."
Sola leaned forward, placing her left heel against the wall, then leant forward and forced her lips onto Harmonia's. Rather than struggle and resist, Harmonia completely disarmed. She added her own passion to the kiss, placing her hands on Sola's cheeks, deepening the kiss intensely.
This startled Sola badly, but Harmonia pretended not to notice, choosing instead to break away for a breath of air.
"You got what you wanted," Harmonia said hotly; she was still quite close to Sola's face. Terry was unsure whether to run away screaming like a naked two-year old resisting clothing or to allow his amusement at the situation bubble to the surface. Sola had just kissed Harmonia and Harmonia had returned it.
Sola had been acting, of course. That much was obvious. Harmonia, on the other hand, he was not quite so sure. He'd hate to lose his first girlfriend to another girl. That would definitely be his kind of luck, though.
"Erm," Terry struggled. Sola took the moment to slip out from Harmonia's pin and hazard a few steps down the stairs.
"Acting," Harmonia said firmly when he looked at her. Sola nodded in disbelief.
There was a brief silence as Sola looked back at the group, taking a moment to glance at both Terry and Harmonia.
"You really do look cute together," she admitted. "But we've got to investigate."
"Investigate?" Harmonia was confused.
"Mhmm," Sola responded at once, merrily skipping down the steps to the common room.
All of them froze in their positions, not daring to take another step.
"Kill... Bill... Kill... Bill..."
Harmonia squeaked. "Did you hear that?"
Sola nodded quickly as she raced out the door to the main corridor, seeking the source of the noise. Terry and Harmonia followed after her. The voice was not just in Sola's head after all.
To anyone watching, the sight in the hall would look like the Trio were up to no good. And, whilst Terry suspected that no good could possibly come out of investigating a mysterious voice bent on 'killing Bill", here he was following a crazy young blonde who'd just kissed his girlfriend, with the latter trailing behind him.
Suddenly, the girl with the large earrings stopped. Before her was a curious green curtain.
"It sounds like it's coming from here," Sola said putting her hand on the curtain to pull it open.
"Wait," Harmonia squeaked. "What if it wants to.. like... you know... rape us?"
Terry fought back a laugh and put his arms re-assuringly around her.
"The voice just wants to kill Bill," Sola pointed out. "Why would it want to hurt us?"
Harmonia stared blankly at the girl before her, as though the answer could not be any more blatantly obvious.
"I think uncovering its hide-out could do that!" Harmonia squeaked again as Sola ignored her concerns and whipped open the curtains. Dust flew all over, blinding the Trio for a moment.
When the coughing stopped and the sneezing died down, and their visions cleared, they looked up to see a fuzzy white rabbit sitting in front of a microphone.
"What is this, Scooby-doo?" Harmonia asked, looking at the creature with distain.
"It's just a bunny rabbit."
"That's no ordinary rabbit," Terry said slowly as its head spun in circles several dozen times, its white fur turned brown and it grew and grew before their eyes. In the place of the rabbit was a tall man with dark hair – an exact duplicate of the monster in the wanted poster that Hackered had shown Terry.
"You must be Jo King White!" Terry exclaimed.
"No," the man said with a frown. "Why does everyone always assume I'm joking?"
Harmonia, Terry, and Sola all exchanged glances.
"So.. who are you, then?" Sola asked interestedly.
"Jo King White," he responded simply
"I said that!" Terry said indignantly. Harmonia put her chin on his right shoulder and her hand on his left to calm him.
"No, you said 'you must be joking, right?'" Jo King White said.
All three of the students groaned.