A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews. Keep letting me know what you think. It really does help encouraging the writing process! :)
Chapter 11:
It did take Neil that full month to feel back to himself. True to form, Adelaide made sure he took all the time he needed to recover- bullying him to take it easy. Neil knowing the ordeal that Adelaide went through tried not to give her too much trouble and obeyed most of the orders of his lovely nurse with only a bit of harassment. After the month, Neil resumed his doctoring duties and Adelaide was relieved that she didn't have to answer any more medical calls and could once again back away from nursing.
Neil was always an attentive husband and father, but since his illness, he was even more so. After their scare, they were closer than ever- the friendship that started their relationship renewed. They found themselves many an evening on their porch, talking about everything with ease, similar to when they were courting and first married. It was during those times that Neil began to try to sort through with Adelaide her reluctance to have anything to do with medicine and her anxiety. It was clear to him that this was a problem that wasn't just going to go away on its own and he was determined to provide her the support she needed to face it.
"Here is your tea, lass" Neil said as he sat down on the porch next to her, the air still cool though the days were getting a lot warmer.
"Thank you" Adelaide smiled up at him. "You don't have to wait on me"
"I don't mind" he responded, reaching for his pipe. "You do so much for me all the time"
"I don't feel like I do much" she admitted, sipping her tea.
"My children are being raised, household run, meals on the table, laundry done..." he titled his head, "need I continue, Mrs. MacNeill"
She tossed her head side to side. "I just don't feel like those have actual importance" she admitted, "maybe besides the raising your children, but they are good kids, they practically raise themselves"
"Julia?" Neil quirked his eyebrow.
"I said practically" Addie smirked.
He chuckled and they fell silent for a few minutes, enjoying the night and the quiet, Addie drinking her tea and Neil smoking his pipe before he broke the silence.
"It concerns me that you don't think you are doing something of importance" he told her, honestly.
She shrugged, "Running your household isn't very stimulating"
"Aye" he nodded, "but you still are squeamish about helping me with medicine"
"I..." she took a breath, "will settle for mediocrity"
"Adelaide" Neil was aghast. "Come now, I don't think you are mediocre because you are choosing to be a mother and a wife over a nurse"
"Maybe that was the wrong word choice" Adelaide put her cup down and began to twist her hands. "I'm doing what is expected of me. I'm being ordinary. I'll settle for being ordinary"
"But you are not ordinary" Neil challenged, "nor will I have you settle for that. If you can honestly sit here and tell me that is truly what you want... to wash your hands of medicine forever, then I'll support you"
She frowned, "You are pushing"
"You need a good push once in a while" Neil said. He put his pipe down and turned her rocking chair so she could see him better, "I almost died, Adelaide. We can't settle"
She chewed on her bottom lip. "Yes, you did almost die. And I still get panicked thinking about you or one of the kids or my sister or my niece or nephew or Opal or Bird's Eye or Ruby Mae or Creed or Isaak or the list can go on and on- but I still get physically panicked thinking of one of them ill and dying. It's too hard"
He paused, "When did that start, Addie?" he asked.
"Are you doctoring me?" she retorted.
"Aye" Neil responded, "when did it start?"
She paused thinking of when it did start, "I suppose it was after Fairlight passed away"
"It's hard to lose a friend, lass, especially after losing your child"
"I don't want to lose anybody else" Addie looked down at her hands, which were resting in her lap. "I just want to run away sometimes" she added, honestly.
"Physically?" Neil studied her, intently.
"No" Adelaide shook her head, swiftly. "I would never want to leave you or our children. You know that"
"I do" He paused, taking it in and then looked at her sharply, "you kept your distance from me emotionally when I returned...that was your way of running away, wasn't it?"
"Wow, you are being really deep tonight, Neil" Adelaide reached for her tea, stood up to make her escape, but Neil was quick to grab her arm and ease her back down.
"Getting too close, am I?" Neil asked, knowingly.
She swallowed hard, looking down at her tea cup, the tea still swirling from her sudden movement. "Perhaps"
"I thought so" Neil responded, "But then you realized you can't run from me even emotionally, but you could separate yourself from medicine as a way not to deal with your fear"
She shut her eyes, "Neil" she protested. "please"
"Or are you simply punishing yourself for what happened?"
"Why are you doing this?" she asked, her voice strained.
"Because you are my wife and I love you" Neil told her, quietly. "I think you are acting out of fear and it's leaving you unsatisfied"
"I don't have to do anything with medicine. I find joy in our children and you"
"I'm not negating that. I know you find joy in our marriage and being a mother, but you also have a keen mind, Adelaide" Neil told her, "You just told me you don't feel like you are doing things of importance. Are you bored?"
"A little" she bit her lip, "but I don't have to do anything with medicine" she repeated.
"No, you don't, but Adelaide from the time you were a wee thing you wanted to be a doctor. And I know you love it"
"I did love it, until I realized how horrible it was" Adelaide said, "I was naïve and idealistic"
"No, you weren't" Neil leaned forward. "That's the thing. You saw death before and it never once swayed you from practicing medicine, but you got it in your head that somehow life and death were all on your shoulders. I once felt that way and it's a horrible burden to bear. No wonder you are running from it"
"Let's change the subject" Adelaide said, "to something a little more light-hearted. Want to know what Julia did today?"
"Aye" Neil said, "later you can tell me all about our children's antics, but for now, we are talking about this. Stop running, love"
"I almost lost everything" Adelaide's lip quivered. "Do you know how that felt?"
"Yes" Neil replied, evenly, "I do. And I wasted years of my life being unhappy and cynical before you came along"
She paused, contemplating it, "What would you have me do?"
"Listen, sweetheart, it's fine for you to continue with a break if that's what you want. But I still want to teach you"
"Neil"
"Hear me out" he held up his hand, "I think this will pass, but honestly, Adelaide, you are not twenty two anymore. If you are still serious about wanting to be a doctor...no, stop and listen" he waited for her to close her mouth, "then we need to be working towards it to keep your options open"
"I have the kids" Adelaide said, "and you want another one"
"Aye" Neil nodded, "that is why I would work with you to make sure you are in a good position if and when medical schools opens up down the road"
"I just don't know"
"You loved it" Neil reminded her, "so much our first year of marriage, we had months of tension because I inadvertently shut you out of it, remember?"
Adelaide gave him a small smile, "How could I forget?"
"That feeling just doesn't go away" he told her, "you have to remember all the people who have helped along the way. You have a gift. Don't waste it because you are so self centered as to think that you have the control over who lives or dies"
Her eyes widened, "That was harsh" she admonished.
"I speak from experience" he told her, quietly. He moved closer to her and extended his hand towards her. "Take my hand"
"Do you think holding your hand will make this conversation easier?" Adelaide said, wearily as she put her hand in his.
He rubbed his thumb in circles around her hand, "No, but I think it will remind you that I do love you. There is a time for me to be gentle with your feelings and there is a time for me to challenge you, just like you do me, but at every time, I love you no matter what"
She closed her eyes and let his hand in hers and the nature of his thumb rubbing against her skin soothe her burnt pride.
"Adelaide" his voice was low.
She turned to him, tears in her eyes.
"Do you remember the first time I took you to our place?"
She nodded, "How can I forget? I was so nervous. I didn't understand what was happening, but I felt so much for you. I was falling so hard"
"Do you remember what you said when I asked you what you wanted out of a marriage?"
"I wanted someone who understood me, not necessarily agreed with me, but challenged me to be better if I needed it"
"Aye" his voice was soft.
"It's hard when you do that" she told him.
"And don't you think it is hard for me when you challenge me?" Neil countered, "and you do, Adelaide"
She nodded. "I know" she swallowed hard.
"Take some more time, but I do need your help here" Neil told her. "And you have a gift. Don't waste it because you can't see past your fear"
"My fear is real"
"I know" Neil said, "and understandable, so you tell me when you feel it, and you and I will work through it...together. No more internalizing your feelings, Adelaide. If you get it out, then it may help your physical symptoms of your anxiety"
"Okay" she bit her lip.
"And when you have those panicked feelings, you need to tell me"
"Are you going to watch me all the time now?"
Neil gave her a smile, "probably so lass, but that's not abnormal"
She sighed and Neil pulled her up and moved her to sit on his lap.
They sat in silence for a good long while like that, watching the night when Adelaide turned to him again,
"Thank you" she whispered.
He nodded.
The weeks passed by and Neil began to mentor Adelaide in medicine again. Again, he was impressed with her sharp mind and natural gift for medicine. However, for as well as their theoretical training was going, in practice, there were moments when Adelaide faltered emotionally.
"Neil, you have to take over" Adelaide insisted, her voice heavy with emotion as she attempted to remove Iris's appendix.
"You are fine. Go on" he pointed, instructing her on the next step, but Adelaide was frozen.
"Neil, please"
Neil's voice was steady. "You have this in hand, Adelaide. I'll take over when you need me and not before that. You have done this before. Steady your hands and take a breath and continue"
"It's Iris" her voice was quiet. "Opal's child. I can't do this. Isaak just was shot not so long ago, it's one thing after another..."
"He's fine"
"I know, but if something happens to Iris" her voice cracked, "It's Iris"
"Aye" he told her, "Pretend it isn't and continue. You need to be objective"
"Neil, please"
"No" Neil insisted, "You took out Lundy's appendix without any help from me and on your own. You can handle this"
She frowned. "Doctor MacNeill"
"Adelaide, you have to work though your anxiety or you'll never get past this"
"I can't"
"You can, go on" Neil reached to cover her hands and began to make the movements for her. "There you go. Now continue"
She took a breath and steeled herself, continuing on with the surgery.
"Good, Adelaide. Appendix is out" Neil praised, "Keep going"
She managed to get through the surgery and after they cleaned up and disinfected everything, Neil gave instructions to Alice who had come to relieve them and stay with Iris for the night.
Adelaide and Neil began the long walk home in silence, Neil not sure what to say to her and Adelaide reliving every moment in her head.
She stopped walking abruptly.
"What is it?" Neil turned back to her.
"I..." she struggled, "Go home"
"Adelaide" he frowned.
"No, seriously, leave me alone. I'll come home soon"
He could tell her anxiety and he shook his head, "You don't have to do this alone anymore. I'm not leaving you. Tell me what's wrong"
"You should have taken over" Adelaide cried. "I needed you too"
"But you didn't!" Neil exclaimed, "you were brilliant as usual. When will you get it through your head that you are more than capable of whatever you set your mind to?"
She took a shuddering breath. "I panicked. Panicked. You say I can do this, but not if I continue to respond like this"
"I know you panicked" he retorted, evenly, "and I was right there with you. You aren't alone anymore, Adelaide. It's not all on you"
"Why are you pushing me to do this?"
"What did Simon tell you when he died?"
"What?" She swiped her eyes with the back of her hand, "Why are you asking me that?"
"You know why"
"It's been over seven years"
"Aye" Neil responded, "but what he told you hasn't changed. What did he tell you, Adelaide?"
"He said not to settle for ordinary" Adelaide swallowed the lump down in her throat.
"That you were meant for extraordinary things" Neil added, "and I believe that too. I'm not going to be the man who just lets you settle. If you wanted that, you should have married Ed and been the perfect society wife"
"Neil!" Adelaide glared at him.
"It's true" he responded, frankly. "You are doing great things raising our children but I believe you can do more...that you should do more. I believe in your talent and in your skill" At her stony expression, his voice became tender, "If I'm pushing you too hard, I'm sorry, lass"
She stared out into the night, her expression softening. He sensed her mood shifting and he walked back over to her and put his arms around her. "I would have stepped in if I honestly thought you need it. And I was there, but even if I wasn't, you still wouldn't have been alone. You have to settle that in your mind, Adelaide"
"I know that's true" she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest. "Sometimes I lose sight of that"
"I know" He pulled away, kissing her forehead. "Do you want me to back off?"
She shook her head, swiftly. "No"
"Okay then" Neil put his arm around her shoulders, "let's go home, love. You did good work today, but you must be exhausted"
"I am tired" she admitted, yawning.
He chuckled, "I can tell"
They walked a few more minutes in silence before Adelaide turned to him, "I do love you"
"As I do you" Neil responded.
There were more of those moments, but as Neil continued to patiently work through them with her, she found that they were becoming few and far between. She learned to let Neil know when she was beginning to feel overwhelmed and panicked and eventually that acknowledgement and Neil's response was enough to abate it. She began to realize that the reason she became so stressed was because she was doing this alone after Neil and then Edward left and that there were many moments when she was expected to have the skill and knowledge of a physician when she was only trained to be a nurse. She had more knowledge and skills than an ordinary nurse due to Simon and then Neil's mentorship of her, but she was still lacking in her education. She also learned to differentiate patient outcomes and realize that certain things were beyond her control. As Neil began to tutor her more earnestly and she relied on him when she did feel over her head, she became more comfortable with helping out with his practice again. She was so thankful for his support and encouragement- she really did feel like she married the best man in the world.
Besides medicine, Neil and Adelaide's life was filled with their children, who while Adelaide was correct, they were generally very good children, there were moments when drama happened.
They were spending a quiet morning at home- Adelaide and Neil going over the trachoma surgery he was planning for that afternoon on a little boy in Raven Gap who had caught the disease when loud screams and cries came from the girls' room. Adelaide and Neil both rushed over to them to find Annie and Julia sitting on the floor surrounded by piles of their hair- the blonde curls and dark tresses splayed out around them.
"What happened?" Adelaide's eyes were wide as the girls continued to scream. "What did you do to your hair?"
The screams got louder at Adelaide's horrified look.
"We'll never be able to go outside again" Julia sobbed.
"Not like this" Annie added dramatically. "It's horrible. All my hair is gone. We'll have to stay here forever!"
"Why would you do this?" Adelaide demanded, her voice loud, her frustration evident. The girls got even louder if that was even possible under Adelaide's censure.
"Stop screaming girls" Neil commanded and the girls stopped screaming instantly, quiet, strangled sobs taking over the hysterics.
"There we go, all that hollering is not acceptable" he told them and scooped a lass up in each arm. "Get your tears out, wee ones, and then we'll talk about it when you are calmer" Neil told them, "we can't solve problems when you are hysterical"
He sat on Julia's bed with them and Adelaide sighed and sat next to them reaching for Julia, who buried her head in her chest, Annie's head buried against Neil.
Adelaide turned to him, shaking her head in exasperation, but Neil leaned over to whisper in her ear, "Calm down, it's not the end of the world. You are making it worse"
She leaned over, "it's their beautiful hair"
He leaned back, "Hair grows back, lass."
She sighed, knowing he was right.
When the sobbing subsided, Neil nudged Annie up, "What happened, Annie?"
"I don't know" she hiccuped.
"Surely you do" Neil said.
"I don't want to get spanked" Annie said, quietly. "We made a mess"
"Okay, did you disobey or lie or do something dangerous or hit or kick?"
She shook her head, "No, sir"
"Then I don't think this mischief making warrants a spanking, sweetheart" Neil told her. "Don't be afraid to tell the truth because lying will get you a spanking for sure"
Adelaide poked at Julia, "Julia, why don't you tell us?"
Julia looked at her mom. "We thought it would be fun to cut some of my curls like we cut paper"
"Fun?" Adelaide was aghast, but Neil responded,
"For a four year old, it probably would be" he acknowledged with a nod to Julia.
She sighed dramatically, tears still falling, "and Annie said it looked horrible and I saw that it did-"
"How did you know?" Neil asked.
"I looked at my picture in my drinking glass" she answered, as if this was the silliest question in the world, much to Neil's amusement.
"And then what happened?" Adelaide prompted.
"and then I got so mad...so very mad and..."
"I told her she could take some of mine too" Annie admitted. "to make her less mad, but..." she paused and Neil patted her back, "I really wish I hadn't" she whispered to Neil.
"I would think not" Neil fought a chuckle.
"Oh my" Adelaide sighed, "well, Papa is right- hair does grow back. We'll just try to even it up and you two can wear lots of ribbons and bows until it grows out again. That will be so pretty!" she tried to be encouraging.
"Papa" Annie hiccuped, "how bad does my hair look because Julia's looks really bad? I didn't look in the drinking glass, I was too scared to"
"Yours looks horrid" Julia answered, with a pout.
Annie began to pout again.
"Now lassies" Neil's voice turned firm, "let's withhold judgment until Mama works on fixin it. She cuts my hair and does a great job with it"
"But I don't want short hair" Julia whined.
"Me either!" Annie added.
"Well, you two should have thought about that before you decided to take the scissors and start cutting" Adelaide retorted.
"I'd like to wager the lasses will think about it before they do so again" Neil said and both girls nodded.
"Oh we will, Papa" Annie said, solemnly, wiping her hand across her eyes.
"Promise" Julia said, fervently.
"Okay" Adelaide eased Julia off to the bed. "I'm going to go get water and we'll see if we can fix this mess"
It took about an hour between the two girls but Adelaide managed to salvage their hair, it falling just above their shoulders.
"Can we look at it?" Annie said, frowning as Adelaide put a ribbon in her hair.
Adelaide kissed the girls and went upstairs to retrieve her mirror.
"What's going on?" Neil looked up from their work.
"They want to see the result" Adelaide said. "this might be dramatic"
He laid his work aside and stood, stretching. "I think I'll go in to see if I can soothe their little girl vanity"
"Do they deserve to have their vanity soothed?" Adelaide asked, "and they shouldn't be vain to begin with"
"Well, they aren't being overly vain" Neil argued, "it's understandable that they need their pride soothed, just like you would need it if it happened to you. And you have had your moments since I have known you"
"My moments?" Adelaide questioned.
"Aye" Neil retorted, "refusing to make love to me because you thought you still looked pregnant. Isn't that vanity? There are other instances too through the years"
"Well, now" Adelaide put her hands on her hips. "You just put me in my place"
Neil leaned over to kiss her forehead. "And you aren't vain at all, only sometimes need reassurance. Just remember, for a little girl, this must be quite earth shattering"
She groaned, "I just want to be frustrated with them. They should know better"
"Aye" Neil retorted, "but I really do feel like they have learned their lesson and they are curious wee ones, Adelaide. And you do let them borrow your scissors for their art projects without supervising them"
"And they are usually good with them" Adelaide protested, "how was I supposed to know they would get this idea in their head?"
"Because they are our lasses" Neil chuckled.
"Okay, so that is true" Adelaide conceded. "Come on, Neil. You can tell your daughters how lovely they are and be that excellent father that you are. I think your opinion is the one they value most anyway"
"And I hope that is always the case" Neil said, with a wry grin.
"Probably" Adelaide said, mischievously, "Until some boy comes along and then they care more about what he thinks"
"I'm still the one that has the final say until they are out the door and married"
She laughed and patted his arm affectionately, "Keep thinking that, love"
He swatted at her, playfully. "the final say with you at least, then"
She giggled, "Keep thinking that, love" she repeated.
Neil laughed in response and followed Adelaide into the girls' room.
Julia and Annie both took turns looking in Adelaide's hand mirror.
Annie frowned, "It's so short"
Neil picked her up in his arms and kissed her head. "You look beautiful, Annie lass, short hair or not. And one day, who knows? Short hair might become popular"
"What about me?" Julia insisted and Neil put Annie down to pick up his other daughter. "I love it, Julia" Neil told her. "You are beautiful" he smoothed down her curls- them extra bouncy without the extra weight of her long hair. "It makes your curls so much curlier and I think that's really nice"
"Thank you, Papa" Julia threw his arms around him.
"What if Simon teases us?" Annie tugged at Neil's shirt.
"Then, he'll get in trouble, lass" Neil told her.
"Plus" Adelaide fought chuckling, "if Papa says you two look beautiful, then he is the boss"
"I think he knows more than Simon" Julia told her sister, seriously.
"That's right" Annie looked up at Neil, adoringly.
Addie picked Annie up and hugged her, "I hope you two remember not to use the scissors to cut your hair"
"I'll remember, Mama" Annie said.
"Me too" Julia said.
"Thank you so much for fixing my hair" Annie added.
"You're welcome" she kissed her. "Now, Papa and I have to finish our work, but I will put on some tea for you ladies for a tea party. After your morning, you need something to calm you down"
"Yay" Julia clapped her hands, "A tea party! My favorite"
"So exciting" Annie added, "And we have our ribbons already in our hair and everything. This will be so much fun"
"And maybe if you are good you can have each have a cookie Mama baked yesterday" Neil added.
"That will be perfect" Julia said, excitedly.
Adelaide put Annie down and she and Neil went to the other room.
"A cookie?" she asked as she put the kettle on the stove. Neil put his arm around her waist.
"Aye" he said, "Kind of like how you baked Simon cookies after he got spanked that one time"
She turned to him. "I expect it from me, but from my mountain man husband?"
"I can't help it love. I look at them and I think about you as a wee girl and I want to protect them and love them so they grow up to be as lovely as their mama"
Her expression softened. "You really are sweet, Neil"
He leaned to whisper in her ear. "If you tell anybody, I'll deny it"
She laughed, "Okay, I won't tell a soul" she promised.
The months passed and August rolled around. Neil kept the children at home while Adelaide helped Christy give birth to her new baby. She returned home, exhausted, but invigorated at the same time.
"How did it go?" Neil asked.
"Are the kids in bed?" she said as she sat down on the porch next to him.
"Aye" he said, "they wanted to wait up, but I told them no, knowing you could be a while"
"Good decision" Adelaide retorted, "Alice is there and told me to come home. It's been a long day"
"That was a long labor for her third child" Neil commented, "I almost came over, but I figured that you would call for me if there was a problem."
She nodded, "I had to turn the baby, but I managed. You almost got a frantic call"
"I thought you checked earlier"
"I did, but the head was turned funny and I couldn't tell that earlier"
"That's painful" Neil shook his head, "Poor Christy" He scooted closer to her and put his arm around her. "How's Aunt Addie?"
"The proud auntie of another little girl" She grinned at him. "You'll never guess what they named the child, Neil"
"Hum" Neil paused, "It's not something awful, is it?"
She giggled, "No, not unless you think my name is awful"
Neil's smiled was wide. "After you, lass? Is there another Adelaide in this world?"
"There is indeed" she reached for his hand, "I could hardly believe it when they told me. It means so much to me"
"It should" Neil said. "I'm not the least surprised. You are special, Adelaide, to all of us. I don't want you to forget that"
"Thank you" Adelaide squeezed his hand. "How were the children?"
"No drama to speak of" Neil said, "Julia was a little put out at bedtime though that she couldn't wait up for you, but I was able to squash it before she got in trouble"
"Good" Adelaide smiled, "What else did I miss?"
Neil reached for a piece of paper on the side table. "A letter from Ed"
"Oh good" Adelaide took it from him and read over it. "So, we are going to Asheville in October"
"Looks like it" Neil retorted, "Simon is in school"
"He'll miss a few days" Adelaide said. "Or he can stay with Christy if she isn't too overwhelmed with the children"
"Either way" Neil said.
She handed him back the letter. "There is so much to plan" she said, "I need to talk to my mother tomorrow"
"What is there for you to plan?" Neil asked, "I have to figure out my lecture and..."
"Oh, Neil" Adelaide shook her head, teasingly, "You have a lot to learn. Ed says there will be a reception. If you want to get funding for your research, we have to plan. We are going in to the den, we have to be prepared"
He shook his head, "Again, I don't see what you have to do"
"Now, think about it" Adelaide inclined her head, "You went to functions overseas, you should know how this works"
"Is this about your wardrobe?" he asked, incredulously.
"And yours" Adelaide added, a bit mischievously.
"Oh boy" Neil shook his head. "How much money is this going to cost us?"
Adelaide shrugged. "We can talk that over later"
"Adelaide" Neil groaned.
"I'm special" Adelaide tossed her head. "Just remember that" she said as she stood.
Neil swatted her. "You are special alright"
"Just remember I'm doing this for you" Adelaide said.
"This should be interesting"
"Indeed, it should"
A/N: would love thoughts. Up next: the MacNeills head to Asheville. :)