Chapter 11 Monumental Meltdown
"Mister J, we have got a monumental breakdown happening in the kitchen right now!" Harley wined and stomped her foot. She twitched like Paris Hilton's newly adopted Chihuahua and squealed like that sed actress when she actually heard footsteps coming from the hall.
"Mister- oh, hi Edward," Harley squealed as Edward dropped into the kitchen with two leashes in his hands and a mixed look of pity and excitement.
"You called Harley?" Edward asked as he threw the leashes down on the table and tried to pull some of the hyena's hair off of his sweater.
"It's nothing really, it's just that all my ice cream is melted. It's a major meltdown in the freezer… Aw…" Harley's voice sputtered out and died as she took a can of Ben and Jerry's ice cream from her freezer and stuck her hand into it. The foamy cream went up to her wrist and she pulled it out and sucked the suds off her fingers.
Edward walked over to the refrigerator and kicked it. The small humming of the motor sputtered and died and he sighed, it couldn't be that easy, nothing was ever that easy. A few crayon drawings of Batman being eaten and murdered by cotton candy fell off the refrigerator and Harley picked one up and laughed at her pumpkins handiwork. Edward opened the door to the freeze machine and pulled out a box of fudgesicles. He opened one of the silver packages and threw it into the sink as it spilled into a giant mess of muddy colored water and sugar.
The Popsicle stick from the unfrozen treat slipped threw the damaged and chipped drain and stuck with a sickening sound that's often referred to as 'he ate at Mario's last night'. This common phrase is as unpleasant as it is hilarious and Harley was sure to tune it into her known vocabulary so by the end of the day the Joker was walking around blindly in a bag she was sure he had stolen from an orphanage.
Harley leaned up against the table and toyed with the dog leashes and Edward pounded, kicked, cursed, and slapped like a girl, the sink.
"What's with the ropes?" She asked.
"I was trying to bond with Bud and Lou. But, um, to put it nicely, they don't like me much, not much at all." Edward turned around to show her a scratch mark on his back that nearly ripped his sweatshirt in half. He then pointed to his front that was completely coated with dog hair.
"Really? I haven't met with a single person they didn't like since Mo, that serial killer, you met him right? Well Bud bit him in a certain place and he hasn't walked the same since."
Edward nodded and turned his attention back to the farting sink. He slunk into the refrigerator, and pulled out a monumental container of butter. He put his hand into it, slid it around until his hand was a super-model's worst calorie-filled nightmare, then put it into the drain where he pulled out more then he bargained for.
By the time the minute had passed, he had pulled five live mice, three cans of Mountain Dew, some Spaghettios, the original popsicle stick, and a small mutated monster that looked like it had crawled into the sink years ago, died, been resurrected by the grimness, and sat on someone's dead body for a stylish couch. Edward now referred to the sink as 'Jaws' and threatened that if he had to stick his hand down that sink one more time he'd find a license plate and post it onto someone's face forever. That person would probably be the Joker.
Edward was sure that there was a dead body down there, he had felt something hairy and he was sure it wasn't as nice as that orange creature from Bugs Bunny.
The monster squirmed and earned to continue to the cocktail party it was having with the Hatter's mice on his dead human couch. Edward just tossed it out the window where it landed on a women's wig and began to crawl around her head.
Harley jumped up onto the counter and pulled off her jouster's hat to play casually with the sleigh bells.
"But, I want some ice cream." Harley whined and Edward jumped up onto the counter next to her and stood up so his head hit the ceiling. He felt along the ends of the kitchen ceiling lightly until he found what he was looking for. He knocked on a small thick spot in the floral wall paper, and the next thing Harley knew, he was gone.
"Edward? Where did you go?" she asked as she stood up the counter and ran over to where there was a man-sized vent in the side of the wall. Edward peeked out like a meerkat and pulled her in.
"Here, I knew there was something behind this wall, I just couldn't figure out what it led to. About how cold does it feel in here to you?" Edward asked as he shook a bit of dust and cobweb out of his hair and started down the air conditioning vent.
Harley bit her lip to stop her teeth from chattering. "Probably about negative fifty, but I may be exaggerating."
"Do you think this will be cold enough to store your goodies in?" Edward asked as he made a left turn around in the vent and ended up in the exact place where they had started.
"Defiantly. Wait, we got to show Mister J this, he'll be so proud."
Edward jumped out of the air conditioning and helped Harley down. Harley slipped into the hallway and Edward stood against the wall, knowing of course that in a few seconds a deranged clown would be raging through the kitchen like a light-blinded cockroach.
"Mister J, come in here now, we got something to show you!" Harley sang and slipped against the wall too, so she could listen to her idea of frantic footsteps of her favorite clown. The Joker though wasn't running, walking, or skipping. He hadn't even devolved into a small jawless fish and turned his legs into flippers as he scuttled into the tub. The Joker was to lazy, if he did devolve he would be a dead smiling Joker fish in a basket of fish and chips at Long John Silver's poisoning a bunch of annoying children who wonder, 'are you crazy? I said chocolate, not smiling fish! GET IT AWAY!'
Harley pondered for a second then yelled, "SPIDER!"
The sound of a zoo full of angry Pumas later, and the Joker was standing with the same oversized bazooka as he had been playing with before. He pulled back his messy hair and pulled his tie harder around his neck.
"Where?" he screamed and Harley pointed toward the vent.
"Now, Mister J, please don't hurt –"
But it was too late, the Joker took aim and shot the vent into a million pieces, leaving a gaping hole in the wall. Edward sighed, he didn't feel like putting the wall back together, especially piecemeal style, with a bottle of crazy glue.
"Mister J, you killed the wall, and the air conditioning!" Harley cried and she put her hands over her eyes like she was trying to erase the hideous picture from her eyes.
"No, I killed the spider." The Joker said indifferently as he sat down on the table and caressed the bazooka like a prized chicken. He blew the smoke coming from the mouth of the gun and smiled.
"But Mister J now we have no place to store our cold stuff. The freezer died and now you killed the vent, we are all going to die! Aww…" Harley sobbed and kicked a can of Vanilla ice cream, which opened and spit all over the already milk filled floor.
"But, you do know where we can get a new refrigerator for free. Right?"
"No clue Mr. J"
"Well it looks like we're taking a small trip to Mr. Freezes Lab," The Joker sang as he danced out the kitchen with his bazooka.
"Right behind you Mister J!" Harley skipped out the front door too.
Edward leaned against the sink for a second and was hit by a rectangular metal piece and a bumper. He cursed and picked it up, soon to find out that it was a license plate that read, "B eating U".
He ran out of the kitchen, away from the magical sink that could probably swallow a man whole. And a license plate that defied gravity and his dream of never being eaten by a killer sink.
Right now, his dream wasn't looking too good.
Author's Note: Sorry it took so long to come out, long story and all that. I feel bad for forgetting to thank CheesetheCat28, who should really update her stories. Please?
Please tell me how you liked it, I'm practically dieing for a review, I haven't had one in so long. Thank you for your kind words!