Harry's head was buzzing, the feeling of wanting to be gone from this situation overwhelming him. He had agreed to have a 'chat' with Alexander Mullivan (whatever that entailed), but he looked at Dumbledore before following him down the hallway. Dumbledore nodded and smiled, giving Harry a bit of silent encouragement, and with that, he followed down the corridor.
"It's really nice to meet you," Alex said to Harry as they walked, and Harry wondered vaguely if this guy had a destination or a room in mind, or if he was just going to stop somewhere randomly.
"You, too," Harry said quietly, deciding that he would at least attempt to be polite for the moment. He really didn't feel like starting off this whole thing on a bad note, even if he thought it would probably end up on one.
"Here looks about good, I believe Dumbledore said this room would do." Alex said, pushing tentatively on the door of a room near the end of the corridor. It was empty, devoid of anything except an old chalkboard. There weren't even any desks or chairs. "Well, this looks cozy." He said with a laugh, and then he conjured up two armchairs next to each other, and, as an afterthought, a sofa right across from it. "Take your pick." Predictably, Harry sat down on the couch, and Alex sat it one of the armchairs across from him. "So...why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"
Harry raised his eyebrows. "I'm pretty sure you and everyone else knows at least enough about me to write a small newspaper article. You don't really need me to tell you about myself."
Alex shrugged. "I just met you. I know a little bit about you...but I'd like to hear it coming from you."
Harry sighed, thinking for a moment. The truth was, he'd never been asked to describe himself. As he had said, everyone already knew what he was like, knew who he was, or so they thought. "Okay...I'm 16. I like to play Quidditch. I'm the captain of the Gryffindor team and I'm the Seeker and I've been playing since my first year. It's pretty much the only thing that makes me happy anymore and I haven't been able to do it in a while," he said bitterly. "My favorite subject is Defense Against the Dark Arts, and my least favorite is Potions, but that was mostly because of Snape. But he's teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts now so I try and forget about that. I want to be an Auror. I have two really good friends, Ron and Hermione...they've stuck by my side through everything. I'm really lucky to have them. Uhm...I'm not sure what else there is to say. Oh, and my parents were killed by Lord Voldemort when I was one but for some reason I survived him trying to kill me. It's something of a mystery but it gave me this nifty scar." He said in a snarky voice, pushing his hair aside and revealing the lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead.
Alex chuckled a little. "I'll admit, the scar/You-Know-Who stuff I was already privy to, but none of the other stuff. I'm not much into sports but I do enjoy the occasional Quidditch match. So what inspired you to want to become an Auror?"
Harry shrugged. "I don't know. It's the only thing I've ever considered doing, I'm pretty sure I'd be good at it. I'm not sure what else I could do."
"An Auror is nothing to scoff at as far as professions go, but anything's possible if you put your mind to it."
At that, Harry had a hard time not rolling his eyes. He had just met this man 20 minutes ago and he was already getting motivational speeches. You promised to give this a shot...you promised to give this a shot...he kept repeating over and over in his brain. There was a few minutes of silence, a rather uncomfortable silence. Harry started jiggling his foot, feeling nervous. He didn't know it, but Alex was feeling rather nervous, too. He had quite a bit more experience with self-harm and therapy than Dumbledore did, but whenever he was talking to someone new, especially when that person was Harry Potter, he was always nervous. He didn't know Harry, he didn't know what he would respond to or what would bother him, or make him feel more uncomfortable, or what might set him off. However, his main goal was to help Harry, and he couldn't do that without at least asking about his problems, and then he could see where they would go from there.
Alex cleared his throat. "Well, Professor Dumbledore told me that you've had a lot going on lately."
Harry looked up. "You could say that."
"He also said that you lost someone very close to you fairly recently and have had some rather...overwhelming feelings."
Harry nodded. "My godfather, Sirius." He said quietly.
"I'm sorry." Harry nodded, staring down at his hands again. "He also said you've been dealing with those feelings in a way that's, well, less than desirable." Alex said.
"I guess you could say that, too." Without realizing it, Harry had started gripping his left wrist tightly. He saw Alex's eyes shift and look at him, at his hand, and he let go. Harry looked away from Alex, looking the blank blackboard across the room.
After a few more moments of silence, Alex said gently, almost in an off-hand way, "When did you start cutting?"
"Over the summer." Harry said stiffly. "I stopped for a little while but I started again a few weeks ago. It's the second time I've gotten caught and now Professor Dumbledore has me under pretty much constant 'supervision'."
"He wants to make sure you're safe." Alex said. "He told me last week you kind of got yourself into a bit of trouble with it and you could have died."
"I know. But he doesn't realize that it's not only suffocating me, but it makes me feel even more like I'm crazy. Maybe I am, because sometimes I wish I had died last week." For some reason, Harry could feel these things tumbling out of his mouth, things he hadn't planned on telling Alex. What he had planned on doing was bluffing his way through these sessions, telling this guy only as much as was absolutely necessary, even if he had promised himself and Dumbledore that he'd give this a chance. But he found it strangely comforting speaking those words aloud, even though he wasn't sure why he could say it to Alex, when he couldn't even say it to his best friends.
"Harry, if you're comfortable answering this...have you ever thought about suicide?" Alex asked, hoping that this question wasn't the one that sent Harry out of control and out of his reach. He hoped it wasn't overstepping his boundaries.
"Maybe. Once in a while. Mostly over the summer when I first started." he said, remembering those moments during the summer when he really and truly wanted to die. The loss of Sirius had been so fresh and it had hurt so bad. Not that it hurt any less when he thought about it now, but back then, it was all he thought about, and the more he thought, the worse he felt, and the more alone he was. There had been a few times where he'd wanted to die, but never as strongly as those dark nights alone in his room at the Dursley's.
Alex nodded, a part of his heart aching for this boy. He could see the raw pain and emotion behind Harry's eyes. He imagined the boy was reliving those feelings, remembering what it felt like. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do, even though he hadn't made up his mind before about whether he should.
"Can I show you something, Harry?" he asked, and with a puzzled look on his face, Harry nodded. Alex pushed up the sleeve of his blue robe, revealing his arm to Harry. There were slightly faded scars climbing up and down his arm. Some were almost gone, faded with time, while others, mostly the thick, deep ones, were still very visible. Harry's eyes widened at the sight; it was worse than what his arm looked like.
"Did you-?" Harry asked quietly, unable to finish his sentence, but Alex understood.
"Yes. I did. And I'm proud to say that it's been over 18 years since I last hurt myself." Alex said, looking at Harry, who looked up and met his eye. "Are you okay?" He asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Harry said, swallowing past the lump in his throat. And he had thought his arm looked bad and was something people might stare at. "What happened? I mean, can you tell me?" He asked inquisitively.
Alex smiled a little. This was why he had shown him-the look of isolation and loneliness had-perhaps unknown to him-left Harry's eyes when he'd rolled up his sleeve. Right now, the boy needed to know that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't the only one who had done this...and that the man sitting across from him had a personal interest in what was going on.
"I don't mind talking to you about it, if that's what you mean. Whether or not I should talk to you about it, well, many people would have different opinions about that, but I think it's okay. The first time I self-harmed, I was 14 years old, and I was here, at Hogwarts. I had spent the better part of the last almost 4 years being picked on and humiliated on a near-daily basis; I was the nerdy, more-than-chubby kid that was a very easy target for bullies. It had always bothered me, but I had other things going on in my third year; my parents were splitting up, and one day I got to feeling so bad that I sat in the bathroom, holding a razor blade." Alex paused for a moment, remembering the boy who sat in that bathroom, how he had been completely desperate for anything that would make him feel better. Then he wondered if Harry had felt that same way.
Deep breath. "After that, there wasn't really any turning back for me. Things changed, as they so often tend to do when you're a teenager. I grew several inches and thinned out some. I was still picked on, but it wasn't as bad as it had been before. My parents split up, and even though they still fought when they saw each other, things were much better when they were apart. But even though things had gotten better, I was still depressed a lot, and the only thing that made me feel better-whenever I was sad, mad, or upset at all-was cutting. And even though I was doing it nearly every day, I managed to go 2 years without anyone finding out. I guess I was just really good at hiding it." Alex said.
Harry was sitting back on the couch, listening to Alex's story. He was having a hard time picturing the man in front of him as a teenager with similar things going on as him. "How did you hide it for 2 years? And who found out?"
"Hey, I'm not handing out advice about how to keep cutting, okay? Let's just say I spent a lot of time alone among other things. And the person who found out eventually was my father. I was home for the summer before my 6th year, and he walked in on me doing it in my bedroom. I guess I just got careless after a while."
"What did he do?" Harry asked quietly. "Did he lose it?"
"At first he did. He yelled at me for a while about how he didn't understand it, and he wanted me to explain to him why and he called my mother. It was a mess for a few days. My mother had no idea what to do, her ideas ranged from dragging me home to live with her, to finding some way to have me locked in St. Mungo's for the rest of my days, to not letting me return to Hogwarts. Eventually my Dad told her that he would handle it. My father sat me down and made me talk...for hours. About why I did it, about what I felt, about everything. It might sound like torture right now-" Alex said with a chuckle, noticing the way Harry shuddered involuntarily at the thought, "-but I think my 16 year old self had been waiting for the opportunity to let it all out, and I felt a lot better. Then my father did something amazing for me. He told me that he was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to stop right away, but he was always there for me to talk to. He let me make my own mistakes, and I definitely did make mistakes. It took a while, but eventually I worked through it."
A couple minutes after he was done, Harry said quietly, "I'm worried that if I stop, I won't have anything left to make me feel better, because it's what's worked for a while."
"It's not crazy for you to feel like that, Harry. But I want to be that person for you...the one who helps you through this."
"I don't know if I can tell you everything yet," Harry said quickly.
"And that's okay. But maybe one day you can." Alex said.
"Yeah. Maybe. Thanks for, um, telling me all that stuff. I kind of feel a little bit better, and I'm not even sure why." He said, laughing a little bit.
Alex smiled. "I'm glad." Then he looked down at the watch on his wrist and said, "Well, it's been about an hour...unfortunately I have to get going, I've got an appointment in a little bit, but I was thinking the same time on Wednesday? Does that work for you?"
"That should be okay." Harry said, standing up and leaving the room with Alex. Professor Dumbledore was walking past on the way to his office, and he looked over when the door opened.
"Oh, Harry! How's everything going?"
"Fine," Harry said, scuffing his toe against the ground. His stomach rumbled a little bit, and Dumbledore smiled.
"Why don't you go on down to dinner, I believe your friends are down there." Dumbledore said.
"By myself?" Harry asked with a surprised tone in his voice.
Dumbledore hesitated, but he met Alex's eyes and saw the man give him a tiny nod. With a sigh, Dumbledore said, "Yes, by yourself."
"Okay. Bye, Alex, see you Wednesday." Harry said, waving and taking off down the hallway before Dumbledore could change his mind about allowing him to be on his own. He hoped Ron and Hermione were still down in the Great Hall, he had a lot to tell them, and he probably owed them an apology for what he'd said this morning.
As Harry was walking away, Dumbledore looked over at Alex. "So, how did it go?" He asked.
Alex shrugged. "Pretty well, I think. I'm hoping that in time he'll open up a little bit more, but I think our first session went good. But there is something I'd like to talk with you about."
"Let's go to my office," Dumbledore said, but Alex stopped him.
"I can't, I really have to get going, I've got another appointment soon. But I really think it would be good for Harry if you let up a little on the supervision. I know you're worried about him, but keeping him sheltered isn't doing anything except making him more depressed. Feeling like he had no control is part of the reason that he started this in the first place, so to take more of his control away won't help." Alex said.
"Do you really think it's doing more harm than good?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes, absolutely. I'm not saying let him run amok, but let him walk himself to classes, let him go to meals on his own. I don't think it's wrong to keep his invisibility cloak, but maybe consider letting him sleep in Gryffindor Tower again." Alex said. "Now I really have to go, but I'll see you and Harry on Wednesday. Have a good day." he said with a pleasant smile and then he shook Dumbledore's hand and turned and walked down the hallway.
Dumbledore sighed. He knew what Alex said was right, because Harry himself had expressed something similar earlier that day. But he didn't know if he was ready to let go of the reins. He didn't know if he was ready to let Harry go and make his own mistakes, because he was afraid of the consequences.
A/N: This chapter was kind of difficult to write, because I'm not that familiar with the therapy aspect of self-harm. I think I liked how it turned out though. :]