A/N: Darker chapter this time, and posting a little later than usual, today was super busy. Let me know what you think of this one!
ForeverACharmedOne, late reviews are better than no reviews, and I always love reading yours! Glad I made you laugh last chapter.
Lily made a face as she grew closer to the lavatory and found water spilling into the corridor. Other students winced as Myrtle let out a particularly loud wail but otherwise kept walking, going about their business.
Chapter Eleven: Bleed Like Me
Emmeline buried her head in her arms, rested on the surface of the Ravenclaw table. Her coffee had since gone cold and to unknowing passerbys, she was likely sleeping.
"Em. Emmeline. Hey, Vance," Marlene said, gently nudging the girl in the side, knowing full well that she was not sleeping. Emmeline whined in response. "What's up?"
Emmeline whined again.
"We can't help if you don't tell us what's wrong," Lily said, smearing jam on her toast.
"No one can help me, I'm doomed," came Emmeline's voice, muffled against the wood.
"Is that mean spirit after you now?" Dorcas asked.
"I told you, it was probably just Peeves," Marlene said.
"I'm still suspicious," Dorcas said.
"I ran into Flitwick on the way here," Emmeline said, lifting her head slightly. "He was putting up the list of people that got solos."
"Ooh," Dorcas said apologetically.
"Well, you kinda figured you wouldn't get it right? Trying out was just to prove you could handle trying out. Maybe next time," Marlene said, her tone encouraging.
"No," Emmeline shook her head.
"You got through the audition without vomiting, you did really well," Lily nodded. "You're not doomed."
"No, you don't get it," Emmeline said. "I got one."
"Oh! That's great!" Dorcas said.
"No, it's not, I have to sing by myself in front of the whole school," Emmeline said.
"You'll do great," Lily said.
"You saw me trying to talk to Jake," Emmeline said dryly.
"And we saw you tell off Pam," Lily said.
"I'm still so upset I missed that," Dorcas pouted.
"Besides, you'll be rehearsed this time; you have like two months to practice," Marlene said. "And once you get through this, talking to people will not be scary anymore."
"If I get through this," Emmeline said, burying her head in her hands.
"Morning," said a worn-out looking Remus as he approached, mug in hand.
"Morning Remus," Lily said. Marlene and Dorcas cast her knowing glances. Emmeline would have done the same if she were not right in the middle of mentally catastrophizing.
"May I?" he asked, gesturing to the nearby coffee pot. Emmeline nodded. "Thank you, Gryffindor coffee isn't gonna do it today."
"Anytime," Emmeline sighed.
"You okay?" he asked. Emmeline groaned again, setting her head back on the table.
"She got a solo in the choir's Christmas performances," Dorcas explained.
"Oh. Well, that's good, isn't it?" Remus asked.
"I just wanted to see if I'd get through the audition, I didn't think I'd get it," Emmeline said into the table.
"Well, no one's gonna cry over Pam having to take a seat for a few minutes," Marlene said softly.
"Yeah, they'll be too busy laughing at me making—" Emmeline started. Lily cut her off.
"Do not say 'sad dinosaur noises!'"
"Distressed whale noises, then," Emmeline said.
"What do you have to sing?" Remus asked.
"O Holy Night. I'm not even religious, why did I do this to myself?" Emmeline groaned, lifting her head again but slightly.
"To help your confidence and prove to yourself that you could," Dorcas said. "You can do this."
"Looks like you're gonna have to deal with the consequences of having a talent, Em," Remus said, patting her head gently, sympathetically. "Just don't overshoot trying to be confident and go into James territory and you'll be fine."
"I don't think two egos that large can coexist in the same place," Lily said.
"Try to be a fraction of the confident that James is," Marlene said.
"WWJD, what would James do?" Dorcas snickered.
"Are you suggesting I get up there and pretend to be James Potter to get through this?" Emmeline said.
"If it works," Marlene shrugged.
"Pretend to be Sirius, he's got a better voice," Remus suggested. "Or Bowie."
"What about me and Bowie?" Sirius said, coming up behind Remus and reaching for the coffee pot.
"Telling Emmeline to pretend she's Bowie; she got a choir solo," Remus said.
"Oh, congrats, I think we're all sick of Pam," Sirius said, pouring himself some coffee. Emmeline forced a nervous smile, cheeks burning red. "Moony, we need you back at the Gryffindor table."
"What did you do?" Remus sighed.
"I didn't do anything, Peter's talking about dying his hair again."
"What color now?"
"Red, like, bright red."
The girls cringed at the idea of Peter with red hair. "Exactly," Sirius said.
"All right, I'm coming. I'm sure you'll do fine, Em, the anticipation will probably be way worse than the performance," Remus said encouragingly. Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas murmured in agreement before Remus followed Sirius back to the Gryffindor table.
"I hope you guys are right," said Emmeline.
"We can help you practice with smaller groups if that'll help," Lily suggested. "Work your way up to a bigger crowd."
"Maybe. I don't know, when will we even have time?" Emmeline sighed.
"Oh, the Quidditch match next month! There'll be a party after we win," Marlene said. "Maybe we can set up a… what do muggles call it? Carol Oakley?"
"What?" Dorcas said, baffled.
"You know where you get drunk and sing along to songs," Marlene said.
"Karaoke?" Lily said.
"Yes, that. Come by, get buzzed, and sing a little," Marlene suggested.
"I don't know. I'm always the sober friend," Emmeline sighed.
"Well, you're always singing in a group, too, time to change both those things," Marlene grinned.
Emmeline frowned. "Well… I guess."
Charms had just let out, which meant that it was the best part of the school day: lunch. Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas left class side-by-side, continuing the conversation they had started in class.
"So, if I keep up about the same number of students in tutoring, keep doing odd jobs for the professors, and then adding in the three galleons Alice is giving me to add pockets to her skirts… I should have enough to get the sneakoscope by Christmas," Lily said. "So, I hope you're all looking forward to homemade Christmas gifts."
"I like homemade gifts," Dorcas said.
"I hope 'homemade' implies 'baked,'" Marlene said with the most charming smile she could manage.
"Maybe," Lily said in a sing-song voice.
"Well, I always make everyone fudge, so, hopefully we all get stretchy clothes for Christmas as well," Dorcas smiled. Once they reached the staircase and started down, they clearly heard the sound of wailing echoing off the walls.
"Moaning Myrtle seems more upset than usual," Dorcas observed.
"I wonder what happened?" Lily said, raising her voice to be heard above the sobs.
"Maybe she got a choir solo, too," Marlene said.
"Marlene."
"What? It's a joke!"
"LET'S DEFACE UGLY MOANING MYRTLE'S WASHROOM! SHE'S DEAD! SHE WON'T MIND! I WANT IT GONE, I WANT IT GONE, I WANT IT GONE!"
"Someone probably drew a cartoon penis on one of the stalls or something," Marlene said.
"I'd better check it out," Lily said, stepping on to the second floor landing.
"The perks of being a prefect," Marlene teased.
"You're welcome to come along," said Lily.
Marlene and Dorcas exchanged glances.
"I'm kind of had my fill of ghosts, you know?" Dorcas said.
"It's lunch," Marlene said.
"Fine, I'll deal with an emotionally unstable ghost all alone," Lily said with a sigh.
"All right, we're coming," Dorcas said, slumping her shoulders as she went.
"Hate to not live up to the 'girls always go to the bathroom in groups' stereotype," Marlene said.
Lily made a face as she grew closer to the lavatory and found water spilling into the corridor. Other students winced as Myrtle let out a particularly loud wail but otherwise kept walking, going about their business.
Footsteps leaving ripples in the water, Lily approached the door and knocked.
"Really?" Marlene said.
"Courtesy," Dorcas said.
"Myrtle?" Lily called, cautiously pushing open the door. "Myrtle, what's—ahh!"
The three living girls jumped back as Moaning Myrtle swiftly emerged from the floor, wailing the whole way.
"HAVE YOU COME TO ADD MORE SLURS?" she screamed. "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CALL ME? A MUGGLE WHORE? A SCUMSUCKER?"
"Whoa, Myrtle, what are you talking about?" Marlene shouted, hands covering her ears.
"OR PERHAPS YOU'LL STICK WITH MUDBLOOD!" Myrtle cried. The girls cringed at the word and the doors of the stalls began slamming open and closed. "STICK WITH THE CLASSICS!"
"Myrtle, what happened?" Lily yelled. "Let us help!"
"THAT! SOMEONE DID THAT WHILE I WAS HAUNTING THE FIFTH FLOOR TOILETS," Myrtle said, silvery tears streaming down her cheeks as she pointed to the sinks.
The girls walked over to find red letters on the mirrors, since broken from Myrtle's tantrum. Even with the cracks spiderwebbing through the letters, it was all too easy to read.
DIE MUDBLOOD SCUM!
Lily stared the words down, tracing every letter with her green eyes. Her stomach turned as the meaning sank into her.
"What the hell," Dorcas said. Lily glanced her way and found she looked as queasy as the redhead felt.
Marlene approached the mirror, doing her best to avoid the stream of water from the sink. She set a finger gently to one of the letters, smearing it a bit and leaving red on her skin.
"It's just lipstick, Myrtle, don't worry, it'll come off," Marlene said.
Myrtle wasn't listening. "WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD? I WANT IT GONE, I WANT IT GONE, I WANT IT GONE!"
"I guess the symbol in Flitwick's class was too subtle," Dorcas sneered.
"If the same person even did this," Lily said. Her eyes were glued to the red, to the M-U-D-B-L-O-O-D.
"You guys okay? Whoever did this is a loser, all right? A total prat, no one with an ounce of class uses that word, much less writes it on a bathroom mirror," Marlene said, her gaze jumping between her two friends.
"It's so—it's gross! Are we supposed to—to just constantly be reminded? We can't even piss anymore?" Dorcas said, her trembling hands clenched in fists at her side.
"We need to tell Dumbledore—or McGonagall—or—just—we need to report this," Lily said.
"What are they going to do? The Junior Death Eaters don't care, they made their point," Dorcas said, gesturing to the words.
"We still need to report it," Lily said, her voice small and barely audible over Myrtle's hysterics.
"I'll get Dumbledore," Marlene said. She gently approached each of her friends and gave them cautious hugs. "Whoever did this? They're cowards. They write shit in bathrooms to feel important. They believe they're better than others by virtue of their birth because they have nothing else to offer. No talent. No joy. No ambition. Just hate. Hate disguised as a cause."
"It just never ends," Dorcas said.
Lily said nothing. Dorcas' nausea had settled into rage. Lily's was still intact.
"I'll be back but maybe you guys should go—" Marlene started.
"I'll waiting for Dumbledore," Lily said.
"I'll stay," Dorcas said. "In case those bigots decide to come add some more while you're gone. Let them face me."
Marlene nodded, stepping between them and toward the door. "Myrtle! Myrtle, try to calm down! I'm getting Dumbledore!"
"I WON'T CALM DOWN! LET THE CASTLE LIVE WITH MY DEAD MUDBLOOD RAGE! I'M DEAD BUT I'M NOT GONE! YOU HEAR ME?" Myrtle cried as Marlene stepped outside.
"Myrtle? Myrtle, girl, it's okay, let it out," Dorcas sighed, finally unclenching her fists and walking over to the stall Myrtle was currently sobbing in. "Do you want to talk about it? I understand why you're upset, I am too, I'd like to clobber whoever did this."
Myrtle's word dissolved into hacking sobs as Dorcas spoke with her. Lily heard their voices but couldn't recall what they said mere seconds ago. She was rooted to the spot, unable to look away.
She remembered the first time someone called her that. She was in her first year and saw Lucius Malfoy, one of the Slytherin prefects, boasting about his new racing broom to a group of girls. She joined the group, eager to soak up all the magic information she could.
"What's a snitch?" she had asked. Severus had mentioned Quidditch, but he hadn't explained it much beyond it being a sport played on broomsticks.
The others looked at her as though she had grown a second head. The blonde, gorgeous, and mean Narcissa Black, hanging from Lucius' arm, laughed and said, "What's a snitch? What are you, a mudblood?"
The others erupted into laughter at this. Lily had simply been confused. At the look on her face, Lucius had remarked, "Look at that vacant expression. She is a mudblood."
As Lily left the group, feeling baffled and humiliated, she heard taunts of, "Run away, stupid little mudblood! Run away to your filthy muggle mummy!"
It was only when she asked her roommates that night that she found out the full extent of what exactly she had been called.
"Stupid little mudblood! Stupid Little mudblood!"
"Freak! You're a freak!"
"Look at that vacant expression! She is a mudblood!"
"Mudblood!"
"Mudblood!"
"Freak!"
"Mudblood!"
Lily watched the shattered reflection of her face in the second "O" in the word that echoed through her brain. When had she started crying?
She thought of what Dorcas said. It just never ends.
If they didn't belong with the muggles, being too freakish to fit in, and didn't belong with the wizards, being to impure… where were they supposed to go?
When did it end?
Lily stared blankly at the numbers on her potions scales, quill in hand, prepared to write her observations as she progressed with her potion.
But she hadn't progressed with her potion.
Severus was writing in the margins of his textbook, as he always did, his potion simmering for the time being.
"You okay?" he asked, eyes still to the textbook pages. "You've re-weighed those beetle brains at least three times now."
Lily sighed, setting her quill down at last.
"My mind's just not here today," she said. "I'm still shaken from earlier."
"What, the washroom thing? Don't let it get to you," Severus said, watching his potion critically before giving it another stir.
"It's hard," Lily said. "Just seeing the word made me, like, nauseous."
"It was just some idiots writing something stupid in the bathroom," Severus said. He jerked his head back, gesturing to James and Sirius's seats in the very back of the class. They were snickering over some inside joke or another. Remus was nearby, his smile tight-lipped to keep from laughing aloud, his gazed focused on his cauldron. Peter's head was on his desk, and he shook from silent laughter. "Some idiots wrote in the boy's washroom that I had a microscopic—well, it doesn't matter."
Marlene, who sat at Lily's other side, snorted. Severus narrowed his eyes.
"The point is that people write stupid things thinking they're funny, don't freak out about it," Severus said.
"Whoever wrote this wasn't trying to be funny. At least you know James Potter doesn't want you dead," Lily said, finally adding her beetle brains to her potion.
"No one wants you dead, Lily," Severus said. "It wasn't a serious threat, it wasn't directed at you, specifically, it was just lipstick on a mirror."
"How do you know it wasn't a serious threat?" Marlene said, pausing in her pursuit to chop up a ginger root to cast Severus an annoyed glance.
"Because it was just lipstick. On a mirror. In a washroom no one uses," Severus said dryly.
"A washroom where a girl with muggle parents died. You don't think it might have been chosen on purpose?" Marlene said.
"I don't think whoever did this was putting as much thought into it as you are now. What do you think is going to happen? They'll use mascara next?" Severus said in mock-horror.
"Wow, you really don't think this is a big deal, do you?" Marlene said, shaking her head and going back to her ginger root.
"It's really not. It's bathroom graffiti. It's just words. No one was hurt," Severus said slowly, as though explaining a simple concept to someone very stupid.
Marlene sighed heavily, unceremoniously plopping her ginger root into her potion.
"It's not just words," Lily said. "People use that to reduce those of muggle birth to sub-human. That's why they feel comfortable calling us scum and wishing us dead, because to them, we're not really people."
"Over-reacting is just what the person that wrote that wants. If you get too focused on non-issues no one will take you seriously. Especially if your main argument is that it hurt your feelings," Severus said.
"Merlin's beard," Marlene cringed.
"What, McKinnon?" Severus said. Lily couldn't tell who looked more annoyed.
"Someone wrote a threat to intimidate and dehumanize a whole group of people at this school who didn't do anything to warrant threats outside, you know, existing. When do we get to be upset, when will people take it seriously? Does someone have to actually die, or will getting maimed be enough?" Marlene said.
"You're a pureblood, McKinnon, calm down," Severus said.
Marlene rolled her eyes. "Don't fucking tell me to calm down, Sev, dear."
"Language, Miss McKinnon," Professor Slughorn said as he approached their table, eying each of their cauldrons. "Nice progress, Mr. Snape. Miss Evans, running a bit slow today?"
"No slower than a Slytherin's wit, sir," Lily said, forcing a smile. She and Slughorn often teased about the rivalry between their houses. Slughorn simply chuckled before heading to the next table.
"Anyway, yeah, my parents are both magic, so what? I'm a human being and I know this is messed up," Marlene said once Slughorn had stepped away.
"So, I'm not a human being because I don't think it's a big deal? I'm not condoning it, I don't think it should have happened, but I'm less of a person for not letting it ruin my day? Do we measure humanity by how offended we get about something?" Severus said. Lily glanced between the two as though she was watching a tennis match.
Was Severus right? Were they making a big deal out of nothing? She hadn't gotten nearly as upset about the symbol in Flitwick's class, and found herself thinking, it's just a fairy tale, it's fine, besides, it's gone now. The lipstick was gone now, too. Dumbledore repaired the mirrors and stopped the toilets and sinks overflowing. Moaning Myrtle went back to her usual level of moaning. It was like it never happened. So why couldn't she let it go now?
Was Marlene right? Was it necessary to take something so small in the scheme of thing so seriously? Was tolerance for this going to lead to worse things? Was it only human nature to be upset about something like this?
Lily's head spun. Neither Marlene, nor Severus, were part of the group targeted by the message, and she was starting to wonder if this disagreement between them was more personal than anything.
"I'm saying any person with an ounce of empathy would be disgusted by this, but I mean, it's not directly affecting you, so, whatever, right?" Marlene said.
"I just said I don't condone it, you don't get to tell me what to be offended by," Severus said.
"Groovy," Marlene said with exaggerated sweetness. "Then don't tell me what I shouldn't be offended by."
"I was just saying that—"
"Yeah, cool, it could be worse. That's what's scary, that's how this shit starts, but I'm done discussing this, especially with someone that so obviously doesn't get it," Marlene snapped.
"Is it lonely being the only truly compassionate person there is?" Severus sneered.
"Not as lonely as it must be being the only person not acquainted with soap," Marlene said.
"Can you both please stop?" Lily sighed. They both craved the last word, she could tell. She'd been in the middle of their arguments before.
Severus opened his mouth to retort and Lily looked at him with pleading eyes.
"Please," she said again. He sighed and went back to scribbling in the margins of his text book.
Lily had barely gone back to her potion when Marlene passed her a small, folded note.
It read: Why are you even friends with him?
Lily was supposed to be patrolling. She was supposed to be making sure no one snuck out of their dorms in the night, lipstick in hand, with intentions to write more hate across school property. She was supposed to be making sure no one was declaring allegiance to the dark lord or Grindelwald by defacing anything else.
And yet, she wasn't. She was sitting on the cold, stone floor, across from a large window, outside of which she was looking at nothing in particular.
The knee in her trousers was starting to tear, and rather than mend it, she mindlessly tugged at the threads, eyes still pointed out the window and out of focus.
She wanted her brain to stop. She wanted to stop thinking the word "mudblood."
She wished Emmeline had patrol tonight, but the Ravenclaw was not scheduled. Maybe if she was, Lily could talk her way through this with her. Marlene kept alternating between anger and attempts at comfort. Dorcas was just angry. Emmeline had been upset when she heard what had happened and had joined in the discussion of how horrible it was, but she was probably the most objective when Severus came up in conversation.
Lily wasn't sure she wanted comfort or mirrored rage now. She needed to talk it through and figure out how she felt.
She didn't hear footsteps or realize she wasn't alone until Remus stepped into her line of vision, taking her by surprise. She sat up straight, heart racing a bit.
"Remus! Hi… hi," she said awkwardly.
"Hey," Remus said. "You okay?"
"Oh, I'm fine, I'm tired, I—" Lily said, thinking for a moment that she would stand upright, but thought better of it, sinking back to her spot on the floor. "—I… I don't know, actually."
"Can I sit?" Remus asked, gesturing to the bit of floor next to her. She nodded.
"Nice night," he observed, looking to the window as he sat. She nodded.
"The moon is bright," she commented.
"I never cared for the moon," he said.
She frowned. She had confronted him first year about his absences. She was hoping that she would get a denial of Severus' theory. That way she could tell Severus with certainty that he was wrong and to let it go.
That wasn't what happened. A smaller, awkward Remus Lupin, whose voice was still cracking, begged her on the verge of tears not to tell anyone, swearing up and down that he didn't want to hurt anyone. Lily had promised not to speak a word to anyone. She had kept that promise.
She often forgot until his seat in class was vacant again. She forgot with homework and dancing and daydreaming about his shy smile. She supposed that was bad, and her stomach turned with guilt over the fact that she had the luxury of forgetting.
"Sorry," she said. He shrugged.
"Can't be helped," he said matter-of-factly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Your… condition?" she asked.
"No, no. Why you're sitting here all…" he gestured to her entire being. "You know, giving confusing answers to 'you okay?'"
"Oh," Lily said. "I dunno. Do you want to hear me ramble confused for a few minutes?"
"Beats patrol," he said.
"It's the worst isn't it?"
"Absolutely."
Lily took a deep breath. "Did you hear about what happened in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom earlier?"
"I heard a couple of different versions," Remus said. "But Marlene said there was lipstick that said 'Die M-Word Scum'?"
"Yeah, she and Dorcas were there when I went to find out what was going on," Lily said. "And I mean, when I realized what had happened, I felt really sick and I kept thinking about being called that and how when I would go home before my sister moved out, she would call me a freak. And I just… I just kind of felt like I didn't belong anywhere. And it was just very upsetting. And then I talked to Sev and I started wondering if maybe I'm taking it too seriously and if in the scheme of things this is really a big deal when people out there are actually dying. Should I be wasting energy over some lipstick on a mirror?"
Remus nodded along as she spoke. When she paused, he said, "So, question."
"Okay."
"Sometimes when James gets pissed off—okay, I do this, too—but he just goes on and on about whatever it is, and he doesn't necessarily want suggestions, he just wants to complain out loud until it's out of his system and then he can deal with it," Remus said. "Do you want to do that or do you want feedback?"
"I don't know what to think anymore… so I guess I want a conversation with feedback," Lily said sheepishly.
"Okay, so you're upset about the message on the mirror," Remus said.
"I don't know if I should be," Lily sighed.
"But you are upset," he said. She considered this for a moment and realized that was fairly obvious. Whether she should be or not, she was upset.
"Yeah, I am," she said.
"Then, you should be upset," Remus shrugged. "Just because worse things are happening doesn't mean you don't get to be upset about this. Especially since it hits so much closer than Daily Prophet articles."
Lily nodded. "Yeah, I guess that's part of it, that it feels so real seeing it there. I mean, I'm saving all my money to try and get my parents a sneakoscope because I was worried but now I'm—well, I'm scared now. I'm terrified."
"And that's understandable, you shouldn't have to feel that way at school," Remus said.
"So, I'm not over-reacting or making it out to be worse than it is?"
"Look, if you were running around shouting that this was the worst thing that's literally ever happened in the history of mankind, I'd probably get together with Marlene to organize an intervention," Remus smiled. "But you're upset about a slur that brings up really uncomfortable conversation. I think that's justified and reasonable."
Lily nodded. "Thanks. I mean, it doesn't make it better, but… I mean, I think I know where I stand."
"Good," Remus said. "Do you want to go to the kitchens and eat your feelings? It usually makes the guys feel better."
Lily smiled. "Sure."