Ste lay in my arms staring at the sunlit sky.

"This is the worst day of my life." he spoke, his voice full of melancholy

At least now he was talking instead of sobbing ,he had spent most of the evening and early morning in tears.

I sat quietly massaging his forehead and stroking his hair.

" Me own flesh and blood - gone again... I'm alone." he released a heavy sigh.

" You're not alone. You've got Leah, Lucas, Matthew, Peri, Leela, Tegan, my entire nutty family, and you have me. You're definitely not alone. " I kissed the top of his head before continuing.

" And Sinead has promised to bring her for visits often- and we'll go up there every holiday, and her birthday is in just a few weeks we'll be there for that. There's Skype and Facetime and anytime you want you can go see her, I'd never stand in the way of that."

"Why are you so sweet to me? How is it you always know exactly what I need to hear? "

" Probably because I love you."

" It's probably because you're damn near perfect and I'm still trying to figure out what good I done to get to be the lucky sod who has you- because from where I stand I don't deserve you."

"Don't say that." I said as my cheeks turned pink.

I smiled despite my protest. This was a nice change- hearing Ste's affection and praise for me. The weeks since I had been forbidden to visit Mark's store had been tough.

Ste had taken all his anger , frustration, and sadness at Hannah's impending departure out on me. Nothing physical, but he had been cruel to me in other ways.

" I just did. What are you going to do about it?" was his cheeky reply.

He didn't give me a chance to answer before he reached up and pulled me down for a lingering kiss. We were interrupted by a knock on the door followed by loud shushing and Leah's voice in a kid's whisper saying " Don't do that daddy is sleeping. We aren't supposed to wake him mummy said."

" But, I want to show him my new braces." Lucas objected in a whisper as loud as his sisters.

" Okay ,but knock more softly." " Like you have home training." she added sagely.

Then there were 3 more gentle raps on the door.

" Are you awake daddy?" Lucas asked

"If you are can we come in?
"May we?" Leah corrected.

" May we please come in." Lucas pleaded.

" Come on in the door's open" Ste invited.

The kids didn't need to be asked twice, our bedroom door swung open and the kids bounded onto our bed.

The next few minutes were spent in a flurry of chatter all about the wedding excitement: Lucas's new braces, Leah's poofy swirly dress that matched Hannah's dress ,and a strategy to eat the maximum amount of cake.

The kids were interrupted by Amy's appearance at the door, she and the kids had arrived last evening for the wedding, and spent the night.

" Sorry. I told them not to disturb you."

" It's alright we were up." I answered.

" Come on you hooligans- you need to have some breakfast, and Leah we need to get started on your hair."

The kids reluctantly climbed out of our bed and raced towards their mum.

" See you boys in a bit." Amy said before closing the door.

Seconds later the door opened again and Leah poked her head round the crack.

"I'm getting my hair done like Elsa from Frozen."

" Leah get here!"

The door slammed shut as Leah ran to mind her mother.

Ste and I chuckled.

"Thank you for being so beautiful to me these last weeks. I know I've treated you like shite So I want to tell you now I'm sorry and I love you."

" Why wouldn't you? Seeing how I'm perfect and all that." I teased him as I got out of bed and head towards our washroom.

" You're an arse, but I love you." he kissed my cheek and then went downstairs to join Amy and the kids for breakfast.

"Thank God you're here!" was how Sinead greeted us.

"Did you think we wouldn't show?" Ste teased.

" That's not really a possibility when we're bringing at least a third of the wedding party and the DJ for the evening." I said coming into the house and greeting Sinead with a kiss.

" I'm having jitters. You know? I'm anticipating something going wrong- it's almost going too perfectly." She confessed.

"Having second thoughts are we? Because it's not too late you know."

"Ste !" I scolded him mildly.

Sinead smacked him playfully on the shoulder " You're a naughty one aren't you? I know Gavin's it for me. He's well- you two know how it is ."

She sighed happily. " I just can't wait for us to start our lives together in Scotland it's going to be magical."

Ste smiled at her, but I could see the sadness in his eyes.

" Right then where should I set up? " I asked hoping to change the mood.

" Gavin's Uncle Leo will show you. Oi ! Leo!"

The wedding was beautiful Gavin's Great Aunt Joyce's garden made the perfect backdrop. Sinead's colors were purple and blue which saw Hannah and Leah dressed in sky blue and lavender tutu dresses with giant matching flower headbands, Matthew and Lucas in powder blue suits, Gavin had streaked his mohawk with blue and purple for the occasion , and Sinead looked lovely dressed in a pale blue frock with a purple petticoat.

The vows, which Sinead and Gavin wrote themselves, weren't long , but they were heartfelt and had more than a few guests, myself included, wiping away a tear or two.

As the priest began the "Do you" portion of the ceremony Ste took my hand and mouthed " Always." to me.

From their first dance , Tom Odell's " Grow Old With Me" The reception was wild and loud just like Gavin and Sinead, and though I hate to admit it also a bit sweet. With the drama that had occurred between Ste, Sinead, and me firmly behind us, I was genuinely happy for the newly wed couple. I was not happy with the selection of music I'd been asked to play and was more than happy when my portion of the events came to an end and Gavin's band which he had with his brothers took over the musical entertainment.

Ste was in a great mood- on the dance floor from the time the music started, he even got me to dance with him. After a few dances he excused himself to the loo. I wanting to escape the horrible singing due to karaoke , ended up chatting with Gavin's uncle and cousin about football.

My favorite of Sinead's cousins , Scott worked his way into our conversation- I'm not sure how, and I took that as my cue to work my way out. As I moved away from the guys, it occurred to me that Ste had not returned from the toilets, so I went to look for him.

I found Ste in Aunt Joyce's bedroom.

" There you are! I've been looking all over for you. Last I saw you were headed for the toilet."

He didn't answer.

" Lost your way, eh?"

" I needed some quiet. I got tired of the crowd and the noise, and didn't want to ruin everyone else's good time."

" And what better place to find peace and quiet than the bedroom of a pensioner." I joked before adding. " Should you - should we be in here?"

" Two more hours and my baby girl is gone."

I walked over to him and joined him on the bed. I noticed the beer bottles on the floor, but decided against confronting him about it.

Taking his hand I said" First thing when we get home ,we'll go over our calendar and mark out time for a visit. In the mean time, why don't you get back down there and get in all the cuddles and kisses you can."

Ste leaned into me, and took my face in his hands and kissed me - I could taste the beer and his dinner.

" I'd rather stay up here- with you." He said and then quickly pulled me in for another deep kiss.

I pulled back slightly

"Ste we really should, go back down. "

" They won't miss us."he started in on my neck

" The wedding , Ste. Hannah!"

He silenced me with another kiss to my lips. It was clear he had no interest in talking about his daughter or returning to the reception.

"You are looking so good tonight Mr. McQueen. Did you do something to your hair?"

I'm ashamed to admit that made me feel good. Ste had spent the better part of a week pointing out my flaws and what he found unattractive about me, so for him to notice my hairstyle and outfit and like them was something.

" I've been growing it out a bit." I said sheepishly.

" Well I like it." he said in kind of a low growl before kissing me again ,and wrapping his arm around me in lowering us onto the bed.

I wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with his actions, but I figured a few moments of making out certainly wouldn't hurt anybody. Plus Ste seemed to need it, and I could do that much for him.

After a few moments of kissing , I felt him flicker open the bottom buttons of my shirt and his hands caressing the bare skin of my abdomen.

" Don't ever leave me J. P." He whispered.

I nodded into his kiss, and he seemed to take that as reassurance of my loyalty and also as a go ahead signal- because the next thing I felt was him fumbling with the fastener and zipper to my trousers as he kissed my neck and the side of my face.

" Ste , wait." I said. He continued on as if he didn't hear me. " Ste!" I said again louder , this time thumping him on his shoulder. He moved his mouth back up to my lips in effort to shut me up .

I gave him a hard shove off of me sending him on his back .

He rolled towards the headboard with a groan and cursed at me. " What was that?"

" I should be asking you the same thing. You didn't honestly think we would… here..at Sinead's wedding… in a random house ...in Joyce's bed."

" You didn't seem to have a problem with any of that a minute or two ago. I bet you don't even have a good reason not to ."

" I'll give you two: for one thing on the very long list of why not - anyone could walk in and it's wrong."

Ste huffed and rolled his eyes at me.

" I didn't bring you up here, John Paul. You came up here on your own . I told you I wanted to be alone , and you stayed- so don't get all high and mighty with me! I'm not going to apologize for wanting to have a little fun with my husband. Live a little you might surprise yourself and enjoy life!"

" I'm not doing this here . Call me boring or whatever. See you when I see you." I stepped towards the door.

" Go on and leave then."

My heart sank at his words and I walked back towards him.

"I'm not going anywhere. I know how hard things have been for you the last month or so."

He turned away from me. " Just go John Paul."

" I came looking for you because I care. I'm standing here because I care."

Ste laughed.

" I think I missed the joke. What's so funny?"

" I'm laughing at myself- I'm an idiot."

" Don't say that- you're not. You're sad and angry" " and drunk." I said looking at the empty bottles. " You need someone to talk to."

Ste shook his head " Nah I'm done with talking." he said bitterly.

" Or , we don't have to talk if you don't want to."

He looked up at me

" We don't need to go down just yet we could stay up here for while longer. They won't miss us."

I said as I rejoined him back on the bed, covered his hand in mine and kissed his cheek.

He reached up and pulled my head towards his for a kiss.

"You're the best." he murmured before kissing me again this time slowly starting to massage my thigh as he did.

I pushed myself away. " That's not what I meant , I meant we could just sit, and -"

My speech was interrupted by a slap from Ste.

I looked at him stunned as I held the side of my face.

" What's that face for? I told you to piss off didn't I?. I'm not interested in just sitting, so if you're not going to be a proper husband to me you can fuck off. I mean it get out of here!"

I left.

Before returning to the reception I stopped at the toilet to splash cold water on my face to mask that I'd been crying, and to even out the redness on my cheek from the slap.

Fortunately, no one had noticed how long I had been gone ,everyone was focused on Gavin who was performing his fire breathing act.

I wanted to drink and forget everything- but I couldn't instead I went to claim Matthew. Poor Matthew ,who Amy was so kindly looking after ,had fallen asleep. I thanked her for her help.

" No problem. I hope you had a nice time." She winked.

"Oh god no!"

"Don't be embarrassed you and Ste aren't the only lovebirds this wedding is getting to, you just missed Diane and Uncle Leo being caught out in the kitchen."

I turned up my face in mock shock and laughed along with her.

Ste rejoined the wedding about an hour later. I watched him go through the room happy as can be engaging in various conversations.

At one point I went to stand beside him he said nothing to me but acknowledged my existence with a nod. I reached for one of his hands and he shoved them away from me, and into his pockets.

I was about to leave when one of the group Ste was speaking to made a comment that piqued my interest. I turned back to give my opinion just as Ste started to speak.

I stopped and told him to go first. He insisted that I go on and complete my thoughts which I did, and when I got done speaking he said-

" Are you finished?"

I nodded.

" That's good ! Now you can shut up , piss off ,and never fucking interrupt me again."

He then laughed to show the rest of the group he was messing.

Though I laughed along with the others, I knew he hadn't been joking at all.

Somehow we made it back home in one piece- thankfully Ste had sobered up by the end of the festivities, and I was able to avoid a confrontation with him over drink driving.

He did snap at me with nasty remarks once or twice more before we left for the night. He didn't bother to pretend he was joking. I chalked it up to him having to say goodbye to Hannah within the half hour so he was on edge, and made as though his words didn't sting.

Diane and Scott heard it and I was certain everyone in town would know about it by morning to cover up her indiscretion.

Scott just made that ridiculous face at his and pretended to claw me. I ignored him, and instead focused on my husband.

I whispered into Ste's ear " Why couldn't he be the one to move to Aberdeen?" which brought a smile to his face.

Once in the car I decided to put all my annoyance and hurt feelings behind me, and check in with Ste.

I knew he wasn't going to talk to me about Hannie, so I asked him what he thought of the wedding in general.

He pretended not to hear me and turned the music up. I turned it down again and asked if he had seen Gavin fire breathing. He turned the radio back up. I turned it down and told him I thought the band was pretty good for amateurs and that sometimes I wished I stuck with music.

He turned the music up full volume and then down a few notches realizing he was bothering Matthew, and after a few moments all the way down. I took that as an olive branch.

" The food was good too. Though Mexican was a bit of an odd choice, but good. I enjoyed it."

Ste shook his head and mumbled " Of course you did, Porky ." under his breath.

" What was that?" I asked evenly.

" I said Gavin's cousin ,Jamie , was flirting with me all night. A fun guy he is. Real free and easy type you can tell-not someone with a ton of hang ups. And fit too!" There he let out a low whistle. God! Sometimes I question my life -and my choices." He finished by giving me one of those looks that he had become so good at- the look that let me know he thought I was hideous."

"How many sweeties did you stash to bring back home then?"

" None actually."

He laughed " Yeah right. What's in the box then?"

" A cupcake for Matthew he missed getting it with the other children because he was sleeping." I realized I was getting more upset than I needed to be.

He laughed again " I'm sure you'll have no problem splitting it with him 80/20 ,right Potsie? Honestly, JP you should be ashamed of yourself. It's disgusting. You're disgusting you should join a gym or something. I mean look at you , sneaking sweets from a wedding claiming it's for your kid."

I turned the radio up this time, and pretended to fall asleep. I wasn't going to let him see he brought tears to my eyes for a second time that night.

After Ste's comments, the remainder of our drive home was icy- Frighteningly silent. I was grateful Matthew was sleeping and that Leah and Lucas were with their mum.

Once at home I went upstairs to put my son to bed, and Ste remained on the lower level. That night, Ste stayed on the couch ,and I slept in the chair in Matthew's room. If for some reason Ste woke up during the night in the mood for whatever, I knew he'd leave me be in there,but he didn't come up.

In the morning, Ste continued to be vile to me and when I called him out on it he switched to freezing me out.

We had to go to my family's place for a gathering of some sort so I needed him to be civil.

I begged him to behave to which he replied

" Of course I will it's not your family I'm pissed at. Is it?"

The trip over was awkward, Matthew walked between us chattering away about everything, and singing his nursery songs. I suppose I wasn't paying close attention to what he was saying, I'm not sure it mattered he only seemed to care that we obliged when he asked Ste and I to " wing me."

Upon our arrival to the funeral, fake funeral, christening, or whatever it was we were gathering for, I can't remember, Ste scooped up Matthew and brought him into the house - sure to gain the attention of the ladies and have everyone crowing about him being a great daddy.

He was a good dad I conceded to myself ,so he deserved whatever praise he got for that.

It was his role as a husband I was questioning at the moment.

We spent most of the evening avoiding each other, until mum cornered us wanting all the wedding gossip.

" Apparently Diane got off with Gavin's uncle." I offered.

My mum's eyes lit up.

" Yeah, but I don't know much about it I was upstairs with Ste so we missed it."

Nana let out a whistle. " Weddings always get me hot as well."

I shook my head " TMI Nana. T-M-I."

" Well la ti da Mr. Posh and Fancy"

" Don't mind him Marlena. He's a bit of a grump. We all know you would never do anything like that so you can relax good boy."

I gave him a sideways glance of annoyance.

" How was your return to being a dj?" Mum asked attempting to change the subject realizing she hit a sore spot.

" Um, it was alright. I wish I had been given a broader spectrum for music, but Gavin and Sinead have specific tastes. Other than that it was like getting back on the bike."

Ste sniggered " You'd know all about that wouldn't you?"

Since cussing my husband out wasn't an option, I excused myself with " Right. I'm going to get lunch together- for the kids." I added the last part in defense against Ste , and got to my feet to go inside the house..

From the corner of my eye I saw Ste smirk and I waited for the snide comment about my eating habits or my weight, but it didn't come.

Instead the conversation turned to his business and plans for expansion.

After the meal I offered to do the washing up as well in effort to keep my distance from Ste, and to my surprise my husband volunteered to help me.

"What's with you? " he asked.

"Me? " I responded in disbelief,

" Yeah you seem a bit tense."

" Maybe it's because you're keen at having a go at me when I thought we agreed to press pause for the day."

" We did, and I have. Which Is why I'm confused by the attitude you're giving me."

" Oh please Ste ! Every other word out of your mouth this afternoon has been a dig at me."

" I'm afraid I don't know what your talking about."

" Don't do that. You know exactly what I mean."

Ste looked at me as if he were confused.

" Your comment to Nana. Me being a bicycle."

" Oh that. That wasn't anything . You need to lighten up a little not everything is an attack."

" Admit it you're still angry I wouldn't have sex with you last night."

" Keep your voice down."

" Now you're worried about someone catching us."

" I thought we weren't going to do this here."

I sighed realizing I had fallen for his game yet again.

"You're right let's just finish up."

Ste pulled a face at me, but didn't object to our renewed cease fire.

We worked in silence for a few minutes before I tested the truce with what I thought was an innocent comment about Ste and Tony's plans to franchise.

I asked if f he had heard anything from their contact who was interested in opening a restaurant in Dublin.

" Hopefully we'll hear something by Wednesday." he paused. " I bet you would have let him."

" What?" I asked genuinely bewildered.

" Craig. Last night."

I scoffed. " What is wrong with you?"

" I didn't hear you deny it."

" That's because my ex- a man I haven't seen in years has absolutely nothing to do do with anything happening here and now."

" Ok. Answer me this then, if you had been with Mark instead of me, would you have let him?"

" Do you hear yourself? How ridiculous you are being ? How immature and insane you sound?"

" Answer my question."

" I haven't seen Mark in weeks, because you asked me not to, and you bring him up now as proof of what exactly?"

" So you're not denying it."

" No. No I wouldn't. But maybe. Maybe I should give him a ring and see if he's up for it this evening. You're so certain something has happened between us, it may as well actually happen. I'll even film it for you since it's on your mind so often it must be a fantasy of yours." I knew I was treading on thin ice, but I didn't care I was fed up with Ste's behavior.

Ste took his hands out of the water and stepped towards me

" You slag!" he hissed at me through clenched teeth, and I cowered and started to back away. having lost the nerve I possessed only seconds before.

" Oi!" Mercedes called from the kitchen entrance.

Ste stopped in his tracks and flicked water at me as if we had been playing around . I flinched as the water droplets landed on my skin.

I could feel the pink creeping up from my neck to my cheeks. I had no idea how long she'd been standing there.

"You boys forgot a few." She stepped into the room placing glasses on the counter.

"He'll take care of it." I stated as I flung the drying towel aside and made my way back outside to join the rest of the family.

After a few moments, Mercedes joined me outside, and sat beside me

" Is everything alright between you and Ste ? I saw how you flinched in the kitchen earlier, and just now- the way he spoke to you. She lowered her voice "And I heard about last night- how he was treating you."

"We're fine. We're just a bit stressed out with kids and work and all that." I answered sharply.

She narrowed her eyes at me and frowned

" Ste and I are in rough patch." I admitted " But that's how relationships are right?"

"Is he hitting you?" Mercedes asked and I was a little taken aback.

What should I say? How do I answer? Do I have to answer? Of course I had to answer- She had that look in her eyes that told me she would keep at it until she was satisfied. So I thought about it-

Technically he didn't hit me that often, and when he did it wasn't that bad. Sure there were sometimes bruises or a bloodied lip or nose, but I'd never been to hospital for any of his slaps or punches. There was also the fact that I had hit him as well- before we got together. We weren't that different. I rationalized

"No, not really." I replied and looked at my shoes.

"Which is it then? No or not really because there's a big difference."

"No."

"And he was treating you like dirt last night at the wedding because-?" she prompted.

"You got it wrong. Diane-"

"Diane weren't the one who told me."

" Last night was just a one off. He'd been drinking and-"

" Uh! Isn't he supposed to be sober?"

" He is. If you'd let me finish Mercedes, he just had a bad night with Hannah leaving. He was a bit stroppy as all." I defended

"I hope you're being honest John Paul."

" I said no didn't I?"

"Why can't you look at me then? If he's hurting you I'll-?"

"You'll what Mercedes? Bash his head in? It's funny don't you think accusing my husband of being a batterer and here you are threatening him with violence. "

"You're my little brother- and if I think something isn't right. I'm going to say something. Ste has a history John Paul. You can't be mad at me for thinking-"

" For once in your life Mercedes mind your business! I'm not your little bro . I'm a grown man, and I can take care of myself. Perhaps you should learn to keep a relationship yourself before you go butting into mine!" I was heated, it was one thing for me to analyze my relationship with Ste quite another for someone else , especially Mercedes of all people, to do so.

I stormed off abruptly. Now I had another problem, Mercedes. Mercy never was good at being told to leave off. I was certain she would keep prying , I didn't know how Ste would react to being confronted by her. -which wouldn't help me at all.

I buried my face in my hands.

"God! What if she already said something to him when I left them together?" I worried to myself, before hurrying inside back to Ste.

I wished I had never come to the party.