A/N: yes, yes. this chapter is 3 months late. i know, and please dont hate me. i just didnt know what to do with it, but good things do come to those who wait.

Thanks so much to those who reviewed!: Miku Alli, ToshiroFan1, and TheEmeraldEyedRaven
Now without further ado, please enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 11: Dreaming of Memories

'Oh, it's raining,' Suzaku thought as he stared out the window of his last class of the day. He only vaguely knew what the teacher was droning on about as he let his mind drift in and out of consciousness. The soft taps of the rain colliding with the window he sat beside aided in lulling him to sleep, but thoughts of what had taken place earlier, the whole situation with Lelouch, kept him from crossing the threshold into a dreamland that would most likely be haunted by his past as it had been lately.

'I know I crossed the line telling him that he needed to move on. Lelouch is really vulnerable right now, whether he wants to admit it or not, and even though I had his best interests in mind…the way I stated my thoughts was wrong. I should have talked to him a long time ago about this. When she first died and I saw he was hiding something urgent, I should have gone to the hospital myself instead of trying to get the information from him. It must have been painful having to break the news to me. I was stupid to hound him for answers like that. I know that every question must have torn him apart inside. I- I just don't know… how to... apologize.' His eyes slowly shut. He would solve all the problems later, but for now-

"Mr. Kururugi! I would appreciate it if you didn't fall asleep during my lesson," snapped the teacher.

"Yes. Sorry, Ma'am," Suzaku said, bowing his head quickly, a habit he hadn't quite gotten rid of. There were scattered giggles, but Suzaku didn't care. He promptly turned his attention back to his window, and leaned his head against it. Letting out a sigh of exasperation that fogged up the window, he tried to pay attention to what was going on around him.

Looking around, he noticed an empty seat behind him. 'Oh yeah, Lelouch didn't come today.' Another sigh and he turned his attention to the teacher.

-XXX-

'The day surely couldn't drag by any slower,' Lelouch thought as he sat at his desk, pen arched to write in case he thought of anything else to add. The journal sat open on the desk in front of him. He'd been sitting like that, staring at the half filled pages, for fifteen minutes at the very least, and had been writing for the past hour. Needless to say, he'd filled several pages of the journal Shirley had given him with his thoughts and emotions. He'd felt incredibly lame doing it, but in the end, this small action had helped rid him of quite a bit of stress. "I just thought that it would help if you maybe wrote down your thoughts to help to, you know, clear your head a bit." Shirley had said when she'd given it to him, and it surprisingly had.

All of the things that Lelouch hadn't shared with anyone else, his fears and insecurities, even those from far before Nunnaly had passed away were written in that journal. It felt as if a large weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

All in all, Lelouch felt relieved. It was almost as if he'd been able to share all of his thoughts from the past several years with someone who'd just sat and listened, not interrupting of making judgments, but simply listening as Lelouch voiced his concerns. As a matter of fact, he'd also included some of the internal dialogue he'd had with himself around the time when Nunnaly had been hospitalized.

Looking back, he nearly laughed at himself. The most prominent memory he'd had of the time was him telling himself and Nunnaly that she'd be okay. Had he not tricked himself into believing that his lies were true, Lelouch would have felt guilty for telling such a blatant lie, but he had been fooled, falling victim to his own deception.

Pitiful. It was the only word Lelouch could think of to describe himself over the past few years.

'Why am I so weak?' Lelouch thought to himself. 'All of these years, no matter how I've masked it, I've always been weak. What an incredibly sad existence mine is.' He stared down at the desk, unconsciously writing his thoughts. 'These hands are so capable, and yet so inexcusably pathetic. This life… I don't deserve it. Nunnaly…I'd do anything to switch places with you. Anything.'

He put his head down, suddenly fatigued and simply tired of living. Lelouch felt relief as the lethargy overtook him, and he was soon fast asleep; his light breathing the only sound filling the sunlit room.

-XXX-

A figure, ambiguous in form, stood silently. Its black color stood stark against the lush green and yellow of the field of sunflowers surrounding it. Lelouch remembered this place from his childhood. He, Nunnaly, and Suzaku used to play there all of the time when they were young. It was like a secret hideout of sorts, and they had been the only ones to know of the place. There were so many fond memories of that field. How many times had they chased each other while Nunnaly had ridden on Suzaku's back? How many laughs had been shared there?

"You wish to die," it breathed, voice deep and resonating, tone emotionless. It shook Lelouch from his recollection, and for the first time he noticed the figure that stood before him and stared as it restated its question.

"…" Lelouch was speechless. Was he really prepared to die? No, he had to live on for Nunnaly, right?

Before Lelouch could respond correctly, the figure was hurtling towards him wielding a weapon that looked like something akin to a scythe. It stopped not a foot behind him, holding the scythe like weapon at Lelouch's neck.

"Do you wish to die?" it asked once more, and when no reply came it ripped the scythe through Lelouch without a moment's hesitation. In that moment, Lelouch felt no pain, only a sensation of being separated. It was then that he took notice of his body standing where he had been only seconds before. Then it hit him. The scythe had separated his body from his soul. Taking another glance at his body, Lelouch was surprised to find that he wasn't bothered by this at all. He was, in fact, completely calm. He was alarmed, though, when his body started to crumble into oblivion.

Looking around, he found that the black figure had disappeared. 'What's happening? Why is my body disintegrating?' he asked himself as he approached what was left of it to survey the damage.

"You no longer require a vessel," said a feminine voice.

"C.C?" Lelouch looked for a form to go with the voice but found none.

"You're here because you wish to die, do you not? I am here to ensure that your wish is granted. Please look once more at what you're leaving behind." And before Lelouch could say anything, the ground below him opened and he fell into an abyss of memories.

-XXX-

"Come on Lelouch, if I can make it up this hill with Nunnaly on my back then you should be able to do it on your own," a young Suzaku teased.

"Shut up," young Lelouch breathed, gasping as he finally reached the top of the hill only to sit down to rest.

"You're so pathetic," the little Suzaku said, pulling the smaller Lelouch to his feet and dragging him furthering into the trees.

"We'll be the soon. You can rest then."

Lelouch looked on, a silent spectator as the three children emerged from the woods into a large, open area filled with sunflowers. 'I remember this. It was the first time Suzaku had shown us the sunflower field.' He smiled fondly. Some of his most prominent childhood memories had taken place in that very field.

Soon, that memory began to fade and another took its place and another after that and so on.

"But you must remember," the voice said, "that happiness is not all life holds. Especially yours, dear boy. You seem to have lost your way a long time ago."

Lelouch now stood in a garden. It was immensely large and beautifully kept; full of lush grasses and flowers of every variety. Off to the left stood a large villa where the owners of this marvelous garden no doubt lived.

'No!' Lelouch thought as he took in the scenery. 'Not again.' But all he could do was watch as a younger version of himself ran over to the scene. He had been playing with the young, fragile, but not yet immobile, Nunnaly.

"I've got it Nunnaly!" the young Lelouch shouted, chasing after the ball he and his younger sister had been playing with.

Lelouch could only turn his head and silently wish that the younger him would turn and leave, but that was not how things had gone.

The small Lelouch looked up when he heard the scream, and saw his mother falling from the third story balcony. All he could do was watch as her dress and hair billowed in the wind as if to act like a parachute, and she reached up for a hand or ledge to stop her fall, but there was none.

There was a thud and the screams stopped. She landed in front of the rose bushes. Her hair and dress splayed out on the ground as blood began to pool, and her unseeing eyes stared blankly up into nothingness.

"Mother?" inquired the young Lelouch, scared and knowing the sad fate of his mother. Her blood colored the once green grass a deep scarlet as it soaked into the ground, creeping closed and closer to his shoes, and Lelouch let out a loud cry for help.

"What is it? Are you okay? Did something happen?" the young Nunnaly asked, running over to answer her brother's cry for help.

"No, Nunnaly. Stay there," young Lelouch said. Running over to meet his sister half way, he grabbed her hand and led her away from their mother's corpse.

"We'll let the servants handle it." At that time he so badly wanted to cry. To sob and mourn their mother's untimely death, but he had to swallow it down and put on a mask for Nunnaly's sake. For if he started to cry, she would want to know the cause and it would only make matters worse. No, he would wait and tell her later, but first he needed to notify their father about the incident.

Slowly, that memory began to fade.

-XXX-

When Lelouch awakened, a thin sheen of sweat had accumulated on his brow. He wiped it away and glanced at the clock that sat on the corner of his desk. It revealed that he had been asleep for all of two hours. He'd been very tired lately, and still felt as if he hadn't slept at all in days.

He stared at the journal that lay opened on the desk for several minutes before deciding to write down his dream. At least it was something to do. 'When I'm done I'll go visit Nunnaly. She may need fresh flowers anyway,' he thought as the pen in his hand moved deftly over the paper.

-XXX-

Suzaku wouldn't deny that all throughout the student council meeting the only thing he could think about was Lelouch and what had happened that morning. He imagined it would be awkward when he walked into the dorm. 'But, what if Lelouch acted like nothing happened? What should I do then? Maybe I should-'

His thoughts were interrupted by a shout and a sound thump on the head, courtesy of Milly and her rolled up stack of papers.

"How many times do I have to tell you to pay attention?" she complained, hitting him across the head a few more times.

"Ow! Ow! Okay, okay! I'm sorry!" Suzaku shouted, trying to shield himself from the blows.

"Do you even know the purpose of this meeting?" Milly inquired, holding up the roll of papers threateningly.

"The Fall Festival that we're having next month?"

"Correct," Milly said, lowering the roll of papers. 'She even has the audacity to look upset,' Suzaku thought.

After that, the meeting proceeded without any further distractions. 'Now that i think about it, what if Lelouch isn't there when I get back? Where does he go all of the time?' Suzaku though, tapping is lip with his pen before dismissing the thought. It was none of his business anyway.

End Note:thanks to those of you who havent given up on this story! i will definitely do better with the next chapter!
I dont have a beta, so if you find any mistakes please pm me or let me know in a review.