Ren
Later, after dinner, the droid came per Ren's request. The two humans sat together on the chairs in the bedroom, and the droid began stripping the bed of its blankets.
Rey looked at him quizzically, for this was out of the norm. But he wouldn't speak. Perhaps she wouldn't ask.
"What is CT doing here?"
Always so curious. Ren almost had the urge to smile as he imagined her reaction to what he would say.
"It's changing the sheets. You bled when we laid together," he told her casually.
Her face changed with understanding, and her cheeks grew pink. She looked away from him, and he felt a little guilty for enjoying her embarrassment.
"It happens the first time for every woman," he said, trying to make her feel better.
"I suppose you would know," she replied haughtily, face still turned away so he could only see the curve of her neck and the dark hair that rested there.
"Hmph. Don't be ridiculous. It's common knowledge," he retorted. "It's not my fault you come from a wasteland of ignorance."
She didn't reply, and he felt a little worse. The droid stashed away the sheets in the garbage chute and began putting new, silky dark sheets on.
"It's not your fault you don't know," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."
At first she didn't reply, only watched the droid. But then she said, just as quiet; "What else should I know then?"
Ren cleared his throat, surprised at her unexpected request.
"We need to wait. You need to…heal. It only takes a few days."
She nodded, but he could still feel her embarrassment despite her attempts at squashing it down.
"It will feel better next time," he added. "No pain at all."
She looked at him then, biting her lip. "Did Leia tell you this?"
Now it was his turn to be embarrassment, and he felt the tip of his ears grow warm.
"Yes."
"When?"
"When she visited me."
Rey tilted her head, her small buns brushing her neck. How he longed to touch her.
"You didn't tell me she visited."
He frowned and looked away. "It was rare."
Her hazel eyes peered into him, and the only sound was of the droid leaving.
"It hurt," she said suddenly. "It made you angry."
He pushed up from his chair, the waves of emotion just like the ones he felt back then.
"Drok it, Rey! Stop." He had had more than enough feeling for today.
She stood as well and her hand curled into a fist. "It's alright to feel."
He shook his head. "Leave it be."
She sighed. "You have so much pain. It hurts me."
His dark eyes turned to her face quickly, scanning her features. "Don't," he ordered. His heart beat fast. He didn't want her to be in pain like he was. It was so strange to even think of such a thing.
"It happens, when you care about someone. When you are close to them," she told him. "When we were…together, I could feel so much."
Now that she mentioned it, he recalled something similar. The tenderness he had felt for her, the echoes of her heart, her longing. He had felt it for her family, for belonging, and even for him.
"I felt it too," he admitted. She came close and slipped her arms around him, resting her head on his chest.
"Isn't that what you told me, back then?" she asked. "'Don't be afraid, I feel it too?'"
"Yes," he answered, deep in memory.
"I wish it was better," she said. "I wish I could fix it all."
He chuckled, holding her close. "Like your machines, I suppose."
She laughed a little as well at his analogy before pulling away. "It'll get better," she said confidently.
He stared at her forlornly, wanting to share in her hope but unable to. She nodded at him once, then headed off to the refresher, presumably to sanisteam.
She was everything good. She did make it feel better. Like a patch over a hole. When he was with her, he felt whole again. He wanted to tell her this, somehow explain it. But he didn't have the words.
After her sanisteam, they laid in bed together, not sleeping or talking, simply being together.
"Rey," he whispered, stroking her cheek. She didn't reply, just laid on his chest with one hand resting there as well. He saw the brush of her open eyelashes, her eyes staring off. His hand softly smoothed her hair back again and again, silently reveling in the privilege. He enjoyed the quiet serenity they held, but he yearned for another moment in which he could see her eyes on his, both lost in everything but each other. The quiet scared him, made him feel unsure.
"Rey," he said again, his voice straining slightly. She moved then, head tilting up. He saw her brow already start to crease as it did when any dark thought passed her mind. He felt her press against his mind, searching his feelings. She must have sought out the seed of doubt, of worry in his mind, because she turned towards him and pushed herself up. He pulled her closer and she kissed him a few times and stroked the edge of his jaw.
Fear only rose in him though, so he threaded his fingers through her hair to hold her face close.
"Stop," she said, pressing her lips to his cheek. "Your thoughts are so loud."
He couldn't help but smile at that, at her little quip at his turbulent emotions. His fingers slackened and released their hold, and she laid down on him and rested her head by his throat.
She let her thumb caress the base of his jaw and he closed his eyes, soothed. Her body, slim and warm, felt completely natural against his.
"I love you," he said quietly, and her fingers paused. Just as before, she didn't reply.
Rey
Every time he said it, it made him more upset when she didn't echo his declaration. She knew that she had wanted to say it, but that was before he had hit her. Now, she couldn't. She didn't want to love someone she did not trust.
She understood him, could feel his emotions and even see inside his mind from time to time. But she would never, ever let someone hurt her like that. She had seen couples like that on Jakku, people who slowly destroyed each other with their violence or simply fell victim to it. It was a hole so hard to get out of. Never, she had vowed, never would she hurt someone she loved like that, and never would she let someone do the same to her.
But he did.
She knew what had ran through his mind when it happened. She understood. But she would never forget it, and she would not forgive it. All she could try to do now was move past it. And he was set on gaining her trust back.
She sighed and brushed her fingers along his jaw, but the action did not ease the muscles there.
"I know you do," she said quietly. "And I'm glad you have patience."
This seemed to take the air out of him, and he just pulled her closer till she was almost on top of him.
He was so much to her. And regardless of what had happened, she did love him. It was something she had reluctantly admitted to herself as she had lay on that cot in the workroom, tears still wet on her cheeks. She was in deep now. But she could swim now, and she intended to never sink.
Ren
He awoke in the night, covered in a sheen of cold sweat. He had dreamed of Rey, in flashes and glimpses of terrifying images. Rey, covered in bruises and hurt and angry. Rey, running away from him down the long, white halls of the Finalizer. He, watching her ship become smaller and smaller in the distance of the stars. Going far, far away.
Something about this gave him a strange feeling of familiarity. He remembered something about his grandfather, that he saw glimpses of the future through his dreams. Ren's immediate thought was to grab Rey and hold her close, and do everything in his power to keep her there. Wasn't his nightmare one of her departure? Would she get hurt and be bleeding and bruised from leaving? He would never let that happen to her, if he were with her. The only conclusion seemed to be to keep her with him, deal or no deal.
He looked over at Rey, sleeping peacefully. Probably dreaming about the island he had seen in her mind, the one she used to imagine to lull herself to sleep. Although she wasn't the deepest sleeper, Ren was able to lay down and slip his arms around her. He buried his face into her hair, enjoying the clean scent of her. She hummed a bit in her sleep in reaction to his touch, but otherwise did not stir.
Ren stayed awake long afterwards, tormenting himself with the memory of his dream and his anxieties about what to do. Part of him was dying to tell Rey, to hear her assurance and hands smoothing his wild hair. But he couldn't tell her. And he couldn't let her get hurt like that. She had no idea what she was walking into the moment she left him.
Rey
The next morning, he was the same as always, with the exception of his kiss goodbye. He left early, with her still in bed. When he came in for their usual goodbye kiss, ordinarily no more than a peck, he instead kissed her deeply and passionately. His hand curled around the back of her neck and was warm. When they both drew back, she must have looked as startled as she felt because a faint smile appeared on his lips.
She reached up to hug him close, confused but somehow soothed. His lips came close to her ear and he whispered, "I love you."
In response she let him go and kissed him softly, but sternly said, "You're coming back, aren't you?"
He cocked an eyebrow at her question. "Yes. We have to board the ship today."
She frowned, but nodded. He ran his finger along her cheek and then turned away, putting on his helmet just before he was out the door.
She worked for a while, but then wandered back into the bedroom, unable to focus much. She laid on the floor in the pool of sunshine from the window and watched the dust motes float by.
She felt much lighter, knowing that Ren would let her go, that he loved her more than as if she was a toy he kept in his bedroom. She had wondered for so long if he saw her more than a possession. She loved him, despite everything. But did he love her the same way? Now, she had her answer, most likely.
But he wasn't happy. Regardless of how he regarded her, he wanted her with him. She knew that he wanted her on his side, ruling the galaxy beside him. Ren wanted this because it was easy: he wouldn't be as guilty for what he did outside their relationship, and they would be able to stay together. But he didn't quite understand. She would never be able to do that, kill and drift to the dark side. It wouldn't be her anymore. And didn't he love her as she was? Who she was?
None of this did she know how to put into words that he would understand and that she could say without it turning into an argument. It was an endless cycle of peace and war between them. And Rey was so tired of it.
She didn't want to think about this right now, like this. She didn't want to be unhappy when she had her promise, which had brought such relief. Anything, when thought hard about it, could be tainted. So she closed her eyes and spread out her arms to feel the sun on her skin and thought about better things. Swimming. Food. Forest. Sex. Falling asleep in Ren's arms. Finding a small flower in the shade of the desert. Ren's smile, when it wasn't so cocky. BB-8, rolling his little head towards her sweetly. Finding the last part for her speeder. The way Ren looked at her after they made love. Finn and her, escaping on the Falcon and tasting freedom. Riding with Ren through the forest, almost as good as a speeder. Meeting Han. They went on and on, like snapshots until all she saw inside her eyelids was a morning that Rey had woken up before Ren and was able to watch him sleep. He looked younger, softer, and so, so human. Almost like a child. Softly breathing without a bit of tension in his features. Laying on his chest, his arm draped around her, she was able to see Ren as only a man. A man who used to be a boy, who used to laugh freely and was held in his mother's arms and imagined fantasies like Rey did. She was almost sorry when he woke up.
So lost in her memories and drowsy in the sun, she did not hear Ren come in. Only when he called her name did her eyes open.
He stood over her, still clad in his robes and seemingly amused. "What are you doing on the floor?"
"Thinking."
He pulled off his robes and sleeves until he was left in a sleeveless shirt with a turtleneck collar. "I thought you might want to take a walk, before it's time to leave."
"Maybe," she said from the floor. She had lived outside her life outside, and here on Naboo she had enjoyed recapturing the familiarity of the outdoors.
"Hm." He gingerly sat down next to her, and after a moment she sat up and placed herself in his lap. She leaned back against his chest; he made a good chair, for his back stayed straight and never wavered. His arms came around her and they said nothing for a while.
Rey began to imagine a life like that again, except with Ren. A hut outside somewhere. Maybe not even in the desert on Jakku. Perhaps a forest instead. She could come and go as she pleased again, and build a new speeder…she had no idea what Ren would do. Hunt? Angrily chop at trees? Either way, she could see it clearly, almost.
She felt a nudge at her mind, and Ren slipped in before she could even stop him. But for once, she didn't push him out right away. She felt him seek out her thoughts and see the picture she had painted of them. She thought then of them walking, even holding hands, sleeping together, eating together. She lingered on the image of them walking together underneath a canopy of trees, and she suddenly felt him withdraw fast from her mind.
He leaned his head down to rest his forehead on her shoulder, as if he was troubled. She took his hand and waited for him to overcome whatever emotion was overwhelming him.
"Is that what you want?" He abruptly asked her, voice low.
She blinked. "I guess so," she admitted. "I like the idea of a home."
He paused. "With me?"
She nodded, silent.
He sighed and lifted his head enough to kiss her shoulder blade. "Someday, love."
She turned to look at his face, his dark eyes tortured. "Someday?" She asked, not wanting to hope for something so…impossible.
"Someday."
We just have to beat them first, she thought. Or at least convince Kylo of his good. He did want to be with her, maybe that would help convince him.
She leaned her head up to let her eyes trace his jawline. "What's wrong?" She asked him.
He shook his head, melancholy. He glanced down at her and must have seen her disappointment, for he replied, "Let's go."
Rey decided a final walk would be alright. They went through the usual ritual of him putting on his mask and them walking far enough away until took it off again. They climbed a tree and looked out, and he watched as she collected all different kinds of leaves, putting them in his empty helmet to store them. From his perch on a large rock, he observed her.
"Why do you insist on this?" He asked.
"I've never seen so many different kinds of leaves," she replied. He watched, jealous as she climbed a rocky cliff with ease. She silently gloated from the top, looking down at him.
"Come back," he growled.
"Maybe I'll run away," she teased. His expression grew dark and with reluctant regret, she quickly climbed down and landed in front of him.
"Came back," she said expectantly. But he just tilted his dark head at her and they went off on their way. She coaxed him into walking around the lake, and he taught her how to skip stones. It was just like tossing drive disks, she realized. But somehow his still went farther.
He insisted on carrying her on his back as they headed back. She clung to his neck and leaf-filled helmet as they returned in the dying light.
They boarded the Finalizer shortly after dusk. Rey's sorrow was so great that it cleary upset Ren. But she didn't feel like explaining that walking onto the ship was like walking into a dark, metal hell. She had loved the sun and the wind and the soft grasses of Naboo. She and Ren had had their best times there. Not without one of the worst, but still. The moment the cold, manufactured air of the Finalizer hit her face, Rey felt something inside her wilt.
Ren took her back to the old apartment and he took a lot of care in placing her collected leaves and a few stones from Naboo on the table in the sitting area.
She ignored it though, going straight to the window in the bedroom to catch a last glimpse of the planet. Rey knew that Ren wanted to comfort her, but she just wanted to be left alone. He must have sensed it, for he left her shortly after to do whatever crap commanders of murderers do. When he returned, she was in bed.
"Are you hungry?" he asked, but she shook her head. She just wanted to lie there and forget. Ren slid into bed and cuddled her quietly for a long while, and she was grateful for his understanding. Her body laid in the crook of his perfectly. She suspected that he too was sad to leave. But before she consented to getting up for a meal, she examined his feelings and found out that there was something deeper there, something more than just sorrow. Something he was hiding.
Ren
He wondered if she thought he was sulking. If she did, she didn't act like it. He held on to her tighter, wanted her closer, and was demanding. But she was still the same. But even though she tried to hide it, he knew she was bothered by something.
Rey sorted her leaves and drew them, worked on and completed a disc that hovered and supported her weight, causing her to zoom around and fall off, getting a large bruise on her arm. But at night she tossed in her sleep, her face scrunched up and tensed.
"Rey," he murmured to her one night as she yet again turned in her sleep. "It's alright. I'm here, love."
She mumbled something and sighed. He turned her towards him and buried his face into her neck. He hadn't slept much since his frightful dream, because when he slept it usually reappeared. So he laid awake, thinking. He couldn't let her go, he couldn't be alone again. Lost in his thoughts, focusing only on the swirl of the darkness. She was his family, she was something to hold on to. Without her he couldn't control himself. He felt more, but somehow…he had a better hold on it. He felt things with her that he hadn't had in years. Something in him relaxed when he was with her. He needed her.
But yet…he knew she was unhappy, restless. It hurt him to see her at the window, hand on the glass like a bird in a cage. Somehow, she looked unnatural in his world of sleek metal and glass. He never told his master, but he knew, deep down, that she would never turn. She was steel, never breaking or even bending. Rey was truly that: a ray of light. The only way she would darken would be in death. And yet, he loved her. Irony.
Going against Snoke would be like going against nature. And Ren wasn't sure Snoke didn't already know what he would do. But he knew that this failure could possibly be his last—The dark side didn't forgive. If only she could give him something. If he had the map, if he had something to show Snoke that would make his presence more valuable.
Ren picked up Rey's softly curled fingers and placed them on his cheek. What he felt for her was stronger than anything else so often now. His thoughts, so crazy and frightening, could only be calmed by her words. But she would leave, and he would be unable to resist the dark call.
She doesn't care about you, she just wants to be free of you. She will leave and never come back, never let you touch her again, never return your love. She will never forgive you. She will hate you, find someone else, someone better, someone with control and power that you don't have. You are not good enough, you will never be good enough, you will never be free of this torture. You will be forced to walk with one foot each side, burned by each until you die. Torn apart and discarded for your weaknesses.
"Ren?"
Her voice jolted him out of his head, where he had been drowning. His eyes opened to meet her hazel ones, and he realized that he was shaking. She reached out to wind her arms around him and pull him close.
"Why are you so angry?" She asked, voice still thick with sleep.
"I'm sorry I woke you," he replied, but too much loathing seeped into his voice.
"You're in pain."
"I cannot tell you."
She pulled back, expression fierce and brow drawn. "Why?"
His eyes slid to the side, and he didn't respond. He wouldn't hurt her with his need, and he refused to let her know of the way his weakness plagued him.
"Tell me."
He shook his head, realizing too late that even her presence cannot save him from this curse. He wished he hadn't woken her, but she was so force-sensitive. So gently, he pushed her away.
"Go back to sleep. I need to do something." He pulled on his shirt. She was upset, and it pained him.
"You're going to go talk to that stupid helmet."
He hated that she knew, that she had seen his memories of that. She didn't know how much he needed his grandfather. How much he needed his guidance.
"I need to find peace. I just want to be free of this pain."
"You won't in the dark."
He turned to her, his beautiful, amazing girl, sitting in the bed they shared and currently glaring at him. "You know what I am."
"It doesn't mean I don't wish it was different." She wiped her hand across her eyes furiously, and he almost relented.
"I'm sorry," he said sincerely before pulling on his helmet. She didn't understand, and he didn't want her to. She must never realize the dark nature of his struggle.
A/N
We are drawing to a certain event, ladies and gentlemen. Strap in your seatbelts, cuz we are going on a ride. As always, thank you for the feedback and everything else! I'm going to try and keep updating regularly, but it's more difficult now because of school. Thanks~