Interior Landscape

Chapter 11: What Were Your Intentions?

BJ sat staring at Hawkeye as he lay on the bed still unconscious. Two burr holes had been drilled into his skull to relieve the building pressure caused by the subdural hematoma. His head was swathed in bandages and his face was black and blue. He had stitches in his left cheek and numerous other places over his upper torso caused from flying glass. His hip and femur were badly broken and he'd probably walk with a limp for the rest of his life. There was IV tubing trailing into both arms dripping precious life saving fluid. Aside from the bruises the only other color on his face was soft feathering of his lashes against his pale cheeks. The rest of his skin matched the sheet upon which he lay.

BJ closed the book he'd been trying to read and walked over to the windows overlooking the rest of the hospital. He'd sent Peg and Erin back home since he wasn't able to spend any time with them and Erin couldn't come into the ICU ward. He'd also given Sherman Potter a call since it didn't look like they'd be making that trip to Missouri as planned. The Colonel had been understandably worried and upset and BJ had to do some fast-talking to convince him that there was no need for him to come to New York.

Margaret visited everyday. Once before she went on duty and again when she got off. She always brought BJ something to eat and sat a while to keep him company. In his comatose state Hawkeye wasn't much of a conversationalist. It'd been four days and while there'd been some improvement, Hawkeye didn't seem any closer to regaining consciousness. The sunlight streaming through the window couldn't compete with the harsh hospital lighting and BJ found that it was giving him a headache.

He was still standing at the window contemplating the city that was New York when there was a knock and Sidney Freedman walked in followed by Margaret. This was the first time that Sidney had been to visit Hawkeye and BJ watched as he stood by the bed and contemplated the broken man lying on it.

Sidney stared at his patient and felt the anger building within him. He'd been so sure that Hawkeye was past the suicidal stage. If he hadn't been he would never have let him out of the hospital. However, it looked like he'd been wrong and it had almost cost him his friend's life. "I must be getting old. I thought for sure he was recovering."

BJ walked over and put his hand on Sidney's shoulder. "Hawkeye's always been good at hiding his feelings, Sidney."

Sidney shook his head. "Yeah, but not from me. It's my job to know when people are hurting. I let him down."

BJ squeezed Sidney's shoulder, not sure what to say. He didn't blame Sidney; he blamed himself for not keeping a better eye on Hawkeye.

Margaret looked up from where she was sitting, holding Hawkeye's hands. "So you're not God, Sidney. Everyone makes mistakes." She continued to rub Hawkeye's skin around where the IV port was inserted, trying to ease the discomfort. "Hawkeye has always been hard headed. Once he makes up his mind about something there's no stopping him."

"How is it that you always know what to say, Margaret?" Sidney smiled softly down at the former major.

They all stared at the unconscious man for a while before Margaret stood. "I've got to get back to work. "

BJ and Sidney watched as she rubbed Hawkeye's arm murmuring a soft goodbye and walked back out into the hall. BJ motioned for Sidney to take the chair that Margaret had vacated and pulled the one on the other side of the bed over and sat.

Sidney stared at the Californian. He had dark circles under his eyes and his face looked drawn. Worry for his friend had etched lines on his face making him look older than he was. "Margaret told me about Hawkeye's condition but she didn't update me on you." He smiled. "How are you holding up through all of this?"

BJ tried to smile back but it felt like the muscles in his face had forgotten the motion. "I feel responsible. You left him in my care and I screwed up. I knew there was something wrong." BJ stopped and shook his head. "I mean he was distant and not the Hawkeye that we'd all come to know and love in Korea but there was an incident in the bathroom at the motel that had me worried."

Sidney sat back and crossed his legs. "What sort of incident?"

"I'd stepped out of the room to check on Peg and Erin and when I came back in I found Hawkeye in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub. Sidney, he was pale and shocky. He said he'd moved too fast and had gotten dizzy but I knew he wasn't telling the truth." BJ shook his head and stood up and went back to the window. "I was worried so when I left to get food I had Peg take Erin and go next door to keep an eye on him."

Sidney frowned in thought. "Do you think it was a memory? A flashback?"

"You're guess would be better than mine but something had him rattled." BJ turned from the window and walked back to stand on the other side of the bed. "He's going to have to go back into the hospital isn't he?"

Sidney sighed and stared at Hawkeye. "It looks that way." He continued to contemplate him. Finally he stood. "Call me if. . ." Sidney stopped and smoothed his hand over his face. "When he wakes up."

BJ nodded and watched as Sidney Freedman left the room. He turned back to Hawkeye and stared at his friend. "Well, Hawk, you're just all sorts of fun. Feel like playing some cards?" He grabbed his deck of cards and started dealing them out on the bed next to the other man's leg. He continued to play for some time but finally got tired and gathered his cards before he sat back. "A lot of help you were."

He continued his one sided conversation until he felt someone standing behind him. He turned and stood when he saw the man behind him. "Colonel? It's good to see you!" He came around the chair and gave the older man a hug.

Sherman Potter returned the hug and pushed the larger man back to get a good look at him. "That's Sherman to you." He grinned to belie the harsh tone of his words. "It seems that civilian life agrees with you. You look good, tired, worried, but good." He stepped around BJ stood at the side of the bed staring down at his former surgeon.

There was a tightening in his throat when he saw the shape that Pierce had gotten himself into. He turned back to BJ. "Has he regained consciousness yet?"

BJ shook his head and motioned for the older man to sit down. "Not yet. We're a little worried. They may have to go back in and try to relieve some more pressure."

Sherman shook his head and stared at his former surgeon. "He looks like hell. BJ, are you sure that he did this on purpose?"

BJ shook his head and sighed. The sound carried and it sounded like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Not for sure but it looks that way from what the kid driving the car said."

"It's a shame."

BJ turned to the other man and studied him. "Civilian life seems to be agreeing with you too." He grinned and tried to shake the pall of worry and guilt off. "Not that it's not great to see you but what are you doing here? I told you it wasn't necessary to make the trip"

Sherman rocked back in his seat and nodded, pursing his lips. "Well as I remember I'm the one who gives the orders. Besides, I thought that Pierce could use some support." He was quiet a while, considering his next words. "Lord knows I'd never try to replace the lad's father but I've always looked upon you boys as sons and I thought that perhaps Pierce could use a father figure right about now."

BJ smiled and patted Sherman on the back. "I think he'd appreciate that."

It was another two days before Hawkeye started to show signs of consciousness. BJ had given Sidney a call knowing that the psychiatrist would want to be there when his patient woke up. The two men sat tense as Hawkeye started to come around.

The first thing Hawkeye was aware of was the pounding in his head. Apparently someone had decided to put a whole percussion section inside his head and forgotten to tell him about it. Slowly awareness came to the rest of his body and he found he hurt everywhere. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes only to slam them shut when the light pierced through to his brain. He groaned and stopped in surprise at the croak that came out of his throat. "Either I've swallowed a frog or I'm speaking with someone else's voice."

He tried to open his eyes again, more slowly this time, and ended up staring at the two men sitting beside his bed. He blinked the two figures into focus. "Please, excuse me if I don't get up." He groaned again. "What hit me?"

Both men were silent for a moment before BJ cleared his throat. "A car."

"Oh, is that what it was?" Hawkeye stared at the two men. "You're serious?"

Sidney leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees. "What do you remember, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye stared at the psychiatrist. Just to be sure, he stared at the room around him but it looked like a normal hospital room. Not like the rooms at the psychiatric hospital which tried to pass for normal rooms with soothing colors and quaint little bars over the windows. "I'm not sure. I remember going to the hotel with BJ and Peg." He frowned and stared hard at the psychiatrist. "Why can't I remember?"

BJ stood up and poked his head out the door to call for a nurse. "You've had a pretty severe head injury. Probably some retrograde amnesia."

Hawkeye looked to Sidney and felt panic grab hold of his heart. "Is that why you're here, Sidney? To take me back to the laughing academy?"

Sidney shook his head and went to put his hand on Hawkeye's arm but stopped when the other man tried to jerk out of reach. "We need to find out what happened, Hawkeye. In any case I won't be taking you back until you're a little more healed."

Hawkeye stared at the psychiatrist before laying his head back on the pillow and closing his eyes. He opened them again when the door opened and someone walked into the room. He stared at Margaret Houlihan for a moment before all the blood drained from his face and he passed out.

The next time he awoke it was dark and at first he thought he was alone. He let out a sigh of relief and tried to get comfortable. 'Not an easy thing to do when a car has hit you'. He started to giggle but stopped when it hurt his bruised ribs. A rustling to his left brought his attention to the side and he stared at the silhouette.

"Glad to see you're awake, Hawkeye." Margaret leaned forward and held a cup of water so he could take a sip through the straw. "You really know how to make a lady feel good, fainting that way."

Hawkeye took a sip before spitting the straw out. "Margaret? What are you doing here?"

She set the cup down and straightened out the covers around him on the bed. "I work here." She stopped and stared at him before continuing. "I have for about a month."

Hawkeye looked back toward the ceiling and swallowed. "Aren't I keeping you from your other patients?"

Margaret smiled and shook her head. "You're not getting rid of me that easily. I'm off duty now. I told BJ and Colonel Potter I'd stay while they went out to get a bite to eat." She studied the thin frame and gaunt face. Always thin, he now looked like a bag of bones. "BJ's been really worried about you. So has Colonel Potter."

Hawkeye closed his eyes and lifted an arm to cover his eyes. "Colonel Potter? Well isn't it great to be so popular."

Margaret straightened out the IV tubing so he wouldn't get it tangled and pull it out. She cleared her voice, trying to think of some way to broach the subject gently before finally giving up. "They think you threw yourself in front of that car on purpose you know." He remained quiet so she continued. "I find that hard to believe. The Hawkeye Pierce I knew would never do something like that."

Hawkeye turned to look at her and the glare was worthy of killing. If Margaret had been less of a woman it might have made her cry. "Then you don't know me very well. Besides, didn't they tell you that I already tried to kill myself once? What's one more time?"

"Yes, but that was after your father died. You were grieving. Now you've had time to deal with that. Please, Hawkeye, did you throw yourself in front of that car on purpose?"

Hawkeye stared into the cool blue eyes of the former major. "Why aren't you at some army hospital? You were always so eager to serve dear old Uncle Sam."

"I decided I wanted something more out of life than the army could offer. Now answer my question, Pierce."

Hawkeye turned his head from her and tried to shut out the memory of her eyes. It was masochistic, really. The pleasure he gained from seeing all of his companions from Korea. The pain was a knife in his gut at the memories they brought with them. They were nothing but a reminder of what had been stolen from him and at the same time they were probably the only ones who could understand him. "Why do you care? Just leave me alone, Margaret. I haven't had time to myself in so long I've forgotten what I was like. Please, just leave."

Margaret bit her lip and fought the tears in her eyes. She wouldn't allow herself to cry. She was stronger than that damn it. But the anguish and exhaustion she heard in his voice was so tangible she could almost reach out and touch it. "I can't leave you alone. Dr. Freedman wants someone with you until we can determine what really happened."

His bark of laughter was cruel and tore at her defenses. Hawkeye had always been a tease, a prankster, and an all around pain in the ass but he'd never been cruel. Margaret hugged her arms across her chest and stared at the man she had felt she'd known so well. She may have even loved him but this man in the bed was someone totally different and it broke something inside of her to see him this way. This was not some amnesia brought on by self-defense but despair and bitterness.

Margaret sat back in her chair. She'd sit here and he could ignore her all he wanted. But she would not leave him in this state.

Hawkeye woke gasping and clutching at his ribs. His whole body ached and he couldn't seem to pull in enough breath. He was aware of whimpering sounds but couldn't tell where they were coming from. He started to cough which caused knives of agony to shoot through his chest and down his arms and made his head pound with it. He eventually became aware of hand on him, rolling him to the side and rubbing his back. There were tears on his face and the whimpering he'd been hearing was coming from him. Focusing on the feel of the hands he tried to push the dream away and hopefully some of the pain would follow. He became aware of a soothing voice and tried to pin down the words. Eventually he felt that he could open his eyes. BJ's face was about four inches from his own and he had to blink to focus on him that close.

BJ reached up to wipe tears from his own face. "My God, Hawk, What happened?" He continued the soothing circles on Hawkeye's back.

Hawkeye closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath. "I remember what happened, BJ. I didn't see the car coming. It came out of nowhere while I was crossing the street." Hawkeye let out a sob at the feeling of terror he'd felt at that moment. "There was nothing I could do. It came so fast."

BJ was grinning from ear to ear as he continued to wipe the tears from his own eyes. For a moment he thought they'd missed something and Hawkeye was going to be shuffling off this mortal coil for good. "I believe you, Hawk, just try to calm down and breathe."

Hawkeye reached up and grabbed hold of the arm of BJ's shirt. "You have to get Sidney back in here. I don't want to go to the hospital again. I swear to you, BJ, it was an accident." He put his head back on his pillow still breathing hard. His dream may have receded but the pain was still engulfing him. "It hurts." He doubled over again trying to cradle his ribs but the cast on his leg wouldn't let him curl up fetal. He felt BJ's hands leave him and he panicked for a moment. Then the hands returned and shortly the pain started to fade away. He opened bleary eyes to study the other man. "What'd you give me?"

BJ smiled a little. "Morphine. You rest easy and I'll go call Sidney." For that matter he'd call Peg and Sherman and Margaret and tell them all the good news. Hawkeye hadn't tried to kill himself again!

Hawkeye was staring at the ceiling trying to shake off the morphine haze when the Sidney Freedman walked in. "I hear you've remembered what happened." He sat down in the chair next to the bed smiling softly.

"BJ told you? He told you what happened?"

Sidney sat back. "Yes though I'd like to ask you some questions."

Hawkeye nodded and rubbed at his face trying to dry wash the lingering effects of morphine from his mind. "Sure."

"I just want to be clear on this. Are you sure that it was an accident?"

Hawkeye looked at Sidney and pleaded with his eyes for him to believe. "Sidney, I promise. I just didn't see the car coming."

Sidney nodded and crossed his legs. "Okay. Why do you think you didn't see the car until it was too late?"

Hawkeye shook his head. "I don't know. I guess I wasn't paying attention. Look, Sidney, this was not some unconscious death wish."

"I never said that." Sidney smiled. "How about you leave the psychiatry to me." He grinned and studied his crossed knees before continuing. "You're a smart man, Hawkeye. You know to pay attention when crossing the road, especially in a larger city. Why do you think you didn't notice the car?"

Hawkeye grunted. "You're like a pit bull. Once you get hold of something you don't let it go!"

"I do my best. Answer the question please."

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention to the road I was thinking about things. My mind was somewhere else. It was stupid but not intentional, Sidney."

Sidney smiled but the concern stayed in his eyes. "I believe you. I don't think it was intentional."

Hawkeye tried to sit up and reach a glass of water on the bedside table. "Then what's the problem?"

Sidney got up and handed the glass to Hawkeye before he could tumble out of the bed and do more damage. "I'm concerned that you were so caught up in your head that you didn't notice your own surroundings. Were you merely thinking or were you caught up in your memories?"

Hawkeye shrugged but wouldn't meet Sidney's eyes. "You have to trust me, Hawkeye. Which ever it was it isn't going to earn you a trip back to the hospital." Sidney paused until Hawkeye's eyes met his own. "However, it's important that I know which one it was so I can help you."

"A little of both I guess. I don't know, Sidney. I was just not paying attention and it was stupid and I got hurt."

Sidney nodded and stood up. "Any idea when they'll be releasing you from here?"

"Not really. I can't move around real well so as much as I hate to admit it, it'll probably be a while."

The laughter in Sidney's voice was good to hear. "Doctors make the worst patients."

Hawkeye grinned. "You oughta know, Sid."

"Well, I have to get back to the laughing academy, as you call it, but I'll be back to check in with you. Before I come back will you do me a favor and keep track of when it seems like time moves too fast? You know if you find yourself not remembering an hour here or there?"

Hawkeye shrugged. "I guess. It's not like there's much to do here anyway."

Sidney smiled and waved goodbye before leaving the room. Things seemed to be looking up for Hawkeye. Sidney expelled a breath in relief. It was about damn time.