Chelsea Grin (11)
Fight For the Soul

"Forgive us of our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil."
~The Lord's Prayer (Catholic version)

Time seemed to stop. Pandemonium ensued.

Loki slammed into Thor and both fell to the floor. Steve leaped forward to tackle Loki before he could plunge the knife down. They hit the table and it lurched. Dishes fell. Pepper screamed. Jane was pulling Thor back by the arm. Darcy just stood there, completely shocked. An unintelligible roaring pounded in Loki's ears. He could barely see what was going on. All he knew was that Steve was pinning his arms down with crushing force. Tony bellowed something. A horrible pain seared through his wrist. Loki's body jerked and shuddered uncontrollably. Something smashed into the side of his head. His eyes flew shut and he knew nothing more.

Loki finally stirred awake into a world of pain.

Bright light flooded through the cracks of his eyelids. He groaned and blinked rapidly. His hands were bound to the armrests of a silver chair. The metal felt cold and hard against his skin. He leaned back wearily, his breaths ragged and shallow. The loud hiss of sliding doors made him flinch. Director Fury entered the room, giving Loki a single-eyed grim gaze. He took a seat across from him.

Both men said nothing for a few seconds. Then Fury cleared his throat and finally spoke, "So...care to tell me about that little riot you started back at the tower?"

Loki furrowed his brow. "I...I don't know."

"What do you mean, 'you don't know?' If this is one of your ways of lying and weaseling your way out-"

"I am not lying. I speak the truth."

Loki's vehement reply reverberated around the room. He slumped in the chair, wishing for a better place to rest his head.

Fury cocked an eyebrow, but his gaze did not falter for a moment. "That's new. So is your recent behavior. Why the sudden change, Loki? Up until now, you've caused no trouble and stayed low. I would even say you got along with the Avengers."

Loki sighed in frustration. "The problem that ails me is beyond your understanding. I must talk to Thor."

Fury said nothing for a long time. Loki was starting to think his request was denied, that he would be doomed to be apprehended by the no-nonsense Director for the rest of the night. Finally, Fury sighed and rose.

"Fine. I'll bring him in here."

Thor came in a few minutes. He took Fury's place across from Loki, though he moved a few inches closer. Loki saw no anger in Thor's face. Just sadness and confusion. Loki couldn't bear to look at him any longer. He lowered his gaze to his hands. To his surprise, they were marked with bright red cuts. The blood had dried, and now it made his hands stiff.

Loki sighed. "Tell me what happened. Tell me everything."

Thor fingered at his beard with absentminded strokes. He spoke with slow, careful hesitation. "You went for me with a knife in hand. Captain Rogers jumped to stop you. Both of you ran into the table and spilled the plates. There was broken glass strewn all over the floor. Tony said what was called a 'voice command' to trigger that mechanism on your wrist. But you were still struggling. The Captain had to knock you out with a blow to the head. Dr. Banner, Jane, Darcy and Pepper remained to clean up. Then we brought you here."

"I see..." Loki muttered. "...Is anyone hurt?"

"No...just you, brother. Some shards of glass cut into your hands. There has been no casualties tonight."

Loki's heart lifted in relief. He didn't mean to hurt anybody. And if he did...he didn't want to think about the possibilities. "I had no intent on attacking you, Thor. I believe there's some sort of malevolent influence...I felt as if the hand that held the knife wasn't mine."

Thor didn't seem to disbelieve Loki's proposal. "Is it still in control now?"

"No, I don't feel it now. But who knows how long I will go on before it would happen to me again?" Loki adjusted himself in the uncomfortable restraints. "I need time to think. Somewhere quiet and peaceful would suffice, so I may compose myself and calm down. More importantly, I need to get to the bottom of this dilemma."

"What do you have in mind?"

Loki closed his eyes, trying to picture the holographic maps he had seen a while ago. "I remember seeing a temple and its gardens, a little away from the city. Yes, perhaps I could go there."

Thor let a slow, tired sigh escape him. "Very well. I will relay this to Director Fury. Perhaps he will approve."

Loki sat still in the chair while Thor was away for a while. The cuts on his hands were already fading away. When he was starting to think that Thor would never return, Loki looked up to see Thor entering the room again. At the same time, the cuffs at his hands opened with a loud click. Loki rose and flexed to bring blood and warmth back to his hands and feet.

"The Director grants you permission...on one condition." Thor said. "You must come back to this room after you're done. He said that the tracker is still functional. It would activate if he or S.H.I.E.L.D. suspects any sketchy activity."

Loki couldn't help but reply wryly, "Nothing new to me. Off I go, then."

"I'll go with you, brother. Is there anything I could do to help?"

Loki felt oddly moved by Thor's response. Still, he shook his head. "No. Thank you for the offer, but I must do this alone. I have to find out how I can stop this madness. I need to look for answers. And...I don't want the risk of hurting you again."

Thor's eyes lit with warmth upon hearing Loki's sincerity, softening the solemn look on his face. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

Loki teleported to the Buddhist temple with no problem. At such late hours, hardly anyone was around. Only the gardens, ponds and stepping stones greeted him with their quiet, beautiful splendor. It was literally a sanctuary from all the noise of the city.

Loki climbed up the steps to enter the main temple. Numerous statues of Buddha surrounded its interior. They stared back at Loki through unmoving eyes and perpetual smiles. Each of them had different hand poses, though all were seated in the same meditative posture. Stone dragons guarded the entrance. They encircled and filled the temple ceiling. They were like snakes with flames trailing from their faces and limbs. Unlike dragons of the west, those of the east were supposed to be benevolent and wise, bringers of good luck. Loki didn't think they looked benevolent or wise. They seemed to glare down at him, with eyes of accusers. As if they knew of his crimes, and damned him for trespassing upon their sanctuary.

While Loki knew much of the Scandinavian countries on Midgard, he was unfamiliar with the Far East and their lore. What he did know was that they seemed to be philosophically oriented. From the looks of the gardens, they seemed to focus on the importance of nature and balance.

That was what he needed now: the focus and strength to concentrate. He hoped to find it here.

Loki looked around. He saw that he was alone. Sitting at the center, he crossed his legs. He let his hands rest on his lap. His chest swelled as he took a deep, long breath and closed his eyes. He needed to leave the physical world and enter the depths of his heart and mind.

Clusters of faded stars and nebulas gradually came into view. It was the same dead space that occupied his nightmares. But in the distance, an archipelago of rocks hovered like islands among the stars.

'That must be where the Other is,' Loki thought.

He headed for the rocks, despite the danger that lurked ahead. His mind raced; he had to think fast. There was no way he could just appear in his present state. He had to transform.

Shapeshifting was a fascinating art, but difficult to master. Configuring one's body entirely, smoothly and without fail took a lot of energy and control. But this was a dream. This was different. In the mind, where imagination was immense and the possibilities were endless, Loki could be whatever he wanted...without enduring the strain of physical transformation.

He shapeshifted into a little black cockroach. He felt the antennaes: long stalks that waved wildly over his head as he tried to adjust to this new environment. They curled a little at the ends, much like the way his helmet was styled. Under normal circumstances, he would never stoop this low. Whenever he shapeshifted, Loki always preferred predators like a wolf, a hawk or a snake. But this time, pride and dignity must be put aside...it would do him no good to be any bigger than the bug he was now.

Loki quickly and quietly scuttled to the closest rock. He huddled there, shrouded in darkness and out of sight. Daring to peek over, Loki caught sight of the Other. His heart clenched. The Other, obscured by his robes and bizarre hood, knelt before an enormous figure.

"Hail Thanos of Titan, son of Mentor, born and raised the first and strongest of his royal sons-"

"Enough with the titles." A deep voice rumbled. "My patience is wearing thin."

The figure turned, and starlight illuminated his body. But he was unlike anything Loki had ever seen. This mysterious being, Thanos, did not look like he hailed from any of the Nine Realms. Some kind of crown adorned his broad, ape-like head. Though not quite as tall as the Frost Giants, he had a sturdy, hulking frame enough to dwarf and crush any Midgardian. His eyes burned like blue fire as he looked down at the Other.

'Thanos...so that is his master.'

"Have you found the Trickster?" Thanos asked. "What news do you have of your efforts to locate him?"

The Other sounded hesitant. "He is alive, that is certain. I've managed to create a tangent to his mind through dreams. As for his precise location...unfortunately, that remains to be determined."

"Have you searched in Asgard?"

"My reluctance for searching there is the same with yours, my lord. It's too big of a risk. The Allfather and his army are frighteningly formidable. Without them I would be able to locate Loki, and you would be able to possess the Infinity Gauntlet."

Loki stiffened upon hearing that. The Infinity Gauntlet, a tool filled with unimaginable danger and power, was safely housed in Asgard's hall of relics. Though the Destroyer was no longer present to guard the hall, Loki was certain that the Allfather devised some other, equally effective way to keep the relics away from the wrong hands. He was glad to assume that for all the power Thanos might have, he wasn't strong or stupid enough to boldly challenge Asgard and take whatever he wanted.

"Have you ever considered that Loki could've been captured and punished by Asgardian justice?" Thanos asked. "Perhaps we could negotiate with the Allfather to rid them of their least favorite 'Aesir.'"

The Other responded with bitterness thick in his voice. "Even so, my lord, negotiation would not work. I will not speak of it, but my people are not in good terms with the Allfather. My request would be denied, and war would break out. Fortunately, I am certain that Loki is not hiding in Asgard."

"Very well. What have you done to find him?"

"I have attempted dream infestation, hypnosis and even possession. It would be much easier to accomplish if he still had the scepter at hand. But with the Chitauri forces significantly weakened and Loki's power diminished, I'm afraid the task has become very difficult."

The Other stopped, tentatively waiting for the reaction of his superior. After a few seconds, Thanos seemed to grumble in disapproval.

The Other spoke again. "My lord, may I ask a question? Why are you suddenly so interested in hunting down Loki? He is weak and incompetent, hardly any use to us."

"I do not care for his usefulness. Or lack of it, for that matter. After that humiliating blunder on Earth, his whereabouts never crossed my mind or concern. But that has changed." Thanos paused and a pregnant, eerie silence followed. Then he said, "Mistress Death wants him dead."

Loki's little cockroach body quivered. This was very crucial information he was hearing.

"Why, my lord? What does she want?"

"That is none of your concern. In the mean time, continue your search for him. Sniff him out, probe for him among the darkest holes and deepest cracks. I want that slippery trickster found, understood?"

"Yes, my lord. Of course."

"Do not fail me, Salastarr. Continue to perform your dark magic as much as you please. Just bring me his corpse."

"Understood, Lord Thanos. Your wish is my command."

'Salastarr? Where have I heard that name before?'

Loki desperately wanted to know more. But he was losing grip. He felt his energy running out, and he knew he didn't have much time to retreat safely. If Salastarr caught him lurking in the shadows, he was in for big trouble. A sudden rush of fatigue engulfed Loki as he tried to pull back into reality.

'I need to focus...be strong! I can't lose myself into this!'

But the stars and rocks faded away as Loki tumbled slowly into black oblivion.

It seemed as if eons came and went. Loki groaned as he willed himself to blink open heavy eyelids. His head ached from the hard stone wall behind him. Something damp and soft covered his forehead. He heard soft and slow chanting drift to his ears.

"Jiedi, jiedi, boluo jiedi, boluoseng...jiedi, puti suopohe..."

Loki blinked his eyes open and sat up. A cloth slipped from his forehead to fall into his lap. He could smell something herbal wafting from it. The chanting stopped. An old man in an orange robe knelt close to him. His shaved head gleamed from a soft light nearby. His small dark eyes, pulled back by age, peered from behind thick spectacles.

"Good, you are awake. I feared you were not well. I have been praying a sutra, hoping you would open your eyes."

His voice was slow, tinged with a heavy accent, and almost musical. Loki blinked several times and rubbed at his head.

"Do you need me to call the hospital?" the old man asked.

Loki shook his head and suppressed a wince. "No need for that...I'll be fine. What happened to me...?"

"I saw you at the temple. You seemed to be very deep in thought...almost in a trance, it seemed. So I did not want to disturb you. Then I saw you looked very troubled. You were as stiff and rigid as a rod, sweating and pale. Then you fainted on the floor. I moved you to the monastery so you could rest and be away from the public eye."

"I see," Loki murmured. "You must be a monk, then. Please...forgive me for any trouble I've caused."

"No need for apology. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like until you feel better." The old man clasped his hands together and made a little bow. "I am Ming, head monk of this temple. Who are you?"

Loki followed his gesture. "My name is Loki. I'm...not from around here."

Ming nodded his head slowly. "I could tell. I have seen many people come and go throughout the seasons and years. Yet there are not many like you. What troubles you, friend? You look very unsettled."

Loki stared down at his hands. There was no way he could possibly explain his dilemma, an alien threat, to a Buddhist monk. He tried to think of a way to properly express his misgivings. But nothing came to mind. Finally he sighed and shook his head. "You would think it strange. You won't understand."

"There are many things we all do not understand. That is why we seek the higher truth, however foolish it may look. But there is no shame in that."

Loki felt less of an idiot to ask. He did want to know, after all. "...How does one succumb to possession? Do you believe in such a thing?"

Old Ming seemed to ponder a few seconds before responding. "People are quick to say that demons and evil spirits do not exist. That is not true. They can live inside our hearts. They have many names...hatred, jealousy, pride, anger...let it fester like poison, and it will consume and control you. It is strange...how they harden the heart but soften the mind."

"Harden the heart and soften the mind..." Loki murmured to himself.

Could his ill feelings towards Thor have opened his mind for Salastarr to toy with? It was highly plausible, considering how he had fled to Salastarr imploring for an army, freshly stung from his defeat and exile from Asgard. Loki was determined not to lose the battle. Painful as it may seem, he had to find out what Salastarr and Thanos were scheming. What kind of connection did Thanos have to Mistress Death? Above all...why did she want him dead?

Loki rose unsteadily to his feet. "I must get going. I'm sorry to have bothered you."

"You were no bother. I enjoyed your company."

"And I enjoyed yours." Loki was going to head out when he hesitated. He turned to face the monk. "Thank you for your counsel. I appreciate it."

"You're welcome, Loki. The gates are always open if you're ever in need of coming to the temple again. This is a sanctuary where you can safely dispel any worries or troubles." Ming bowed to him. "Have a good evening, and go in peace."

Loki managed to dip his head before heading out. He made sure he was not seen before he teleported. The image of his new confinement at S.H.I.E.L.D. should've come to mind. Instead, he found himself going to Natasha's room. She was awake, and from her bed she gave him a confused stare. Loki was relieved to find no hostility in her eyes.

Even though he approached her with caution, a sense of urgency gripped and compelled him to speak. "Natasha...there's something I have to tell you. Will you hear me out?"

She stared curiously at him, prompting him to continue. He paused to bite his lip and wring his hands. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Stark was hosting a gathering at his tower, and I was invited to join the rest of the Avengers and their friends. I've done something terrible." Loki steeled himself, but his voice wavered when he finally mustered the courage to continue. "I...I attacked Thor, and tried to kill him."

Loki was quick to respond to her look of alarm. "Do you recall that time I had the scepter? When I had made Agent Barton and Dr. Selvig do my bidding?"

'Of course she would. I had turned her closest comrade into a mindless drone.'

He wanted to explain this to her the best he could. Even he didn't understand it all that much.

"Someone else was pulling the strings. I...wasn't me..." Loki looked away out of guilt. "This does not excuse the murders I've committed by my own hand, all the people that have suffered because of me. But there was a higher power...something strong enough to amplify my hatred in destructive proportions. The real culprit is-"

The sound of the door opening cut Loki off. Startled, he spun around. Director Fury stormed in with a revolver in hand. Loki didn't need the light to see that his face was livid and furious.

"What do you think you're doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you strict orders to return to your exact spot after your little escape."

The contrast of the monk's kindness to Fury's aggressiveness was jarring. Loki swiftly held up his hands in an attempt to placate the S.H.I.E.L.D. commander. "Director, there's no need to take up arms against me. I swear, I have done no harm to Natasha." He didn't dare mention what he did earlier, when he had hit the wall just a little away from her.

Fury kept the revolver at arm's length and on level with Loki's chest. From the open door, Tony, Bruce, Steve and Thor filtered into the room. Apparently they had accompanied Fury in the search for Loki. They all stared at him, looking wary and confused.

"I only came here to speak about a very urgent matter." Loki insisted.

"You could've gone to me for this very urgent matter. Why go to Agent Romanoff first?"

Loki's shoulders slumped as he sighed. Finally, he muttered in a low voice, "I thought that only she would believe me."

Fury lowered the revolver, and only then did curiosity gradually replaced the anger in his single eye. "Since we're all here, would you like to tell us?"

'This is my golden opportunity. I can't afford to mess this up. Sometimes the truth is more cruel than any lie...but it must be told.'

He decided to start from the beginning. The very beginning. "I grew up in Asgard, surrounded by Asgardians and raised in the Asgardian ways. But I am not an Aesir."

Donning on a different skin, and at the same time feeling as if he was stripping naked, Loki revealed his darkest secret by revealing his red eyes and blue skin for all to see. Steve's eyes flew wide. Bruce made a sharp intake of breath. Surprise flashed in Fury's eye for a second. Tony actually took a step back. Only Thor and Natasha didn't react with shock or surprise. Loki thought he saw sadness written on their faces as they gazed at him.

"I am Loki Laufeyson, a Frost Giant, born small and weak on the icy wastelands of Jotunheim. My real father left me to die, and Odin saved me from that fate. Thor and I grew up as brothers; for the longest time I reassured myself that blood ran thicker than our differences. I was wrong. My reign on Asgard was short-lived. I attempted to destroy Jotunheim so I could please Odin, the man I called my father. Thor intervened and defeated me in battle. I was cast out from Asgard and dwelt under the shadow of exile for what seemed like ages. A sorcerer came to me with promises of revenge, and the means to carry out that revenge. He never told me his name or where he came from. He made me simply address him as 'the Other.' When I was deemed ready to lead, he provided the army of Chitauri soldiers for me. And so...with renewed vengeance and an army at my back, I began my crusade against Earth."

Loki shifted his weight and felt slightly nervous at everyone giving him their undivided attention. "You know the rest. Regarding my current presence on Earth, I've been plagued by terrible nightmares...and most recently, temporary possession. Now I know why. The Other, who I found out to be named Salastarr, was behind all of it. He is trying to find me."

"Why? Did you find that out as well?" Thor asked.

"Unfortunately, I wasn't able to catch everything. Salastarr serves some other, more powerful being called Thanos, who mentioned something about Mistress Death." Loki shook his head in frustration. "He wouldn't tell Salastarr either. I wish I knew everything, but I don't. There's something familiar about Salastarr that I just can't grasp at the moment."

Tony furrowed his brow in confusion. "So if this Salastarr was bending you to his will the whole time, did you really want to take over Earth?"

"Yes and no...I don't know." Loki never felt so irritated and conflicted. There were a lot of things he didn't know. "I was blinded by hate, stung by rejection, filled with delusions that I had another chance to command respect and acceptance." He turned to face Natasha. "It was you...who made me doubt whether my ambition for conquest was what I really wanted. 'It was too late,' I told Thor. Too late to stop everything that had gone wrong."

Suddenly he felt weary and defeated. "I've been wanting to say sorry...and thank you. I'm sorry for any pain and ill will on my part. And thank you for helping me realize what a blind fool I've been."

Loki fell silent, with nothing more to confess. Fury had been contemplating everything Loki had said. Then he looked to Natasha.

"Agent Romanoff? What do you think of this whole thing? Do you believe him?"

All eyes turned to her, waiting for her response. Finally, Natasha nodded. To Loki, it was as if her eyes were saying "If I could believe that his mouth was sewn shut by Dwarves, I would believe this."

Fury nodded with finality, his single-eyed glance sweeping the room and everyone in it. "Well...I think we've all bothered Agent Romanoff enough for tonight." He turned to Loki. "Unfortunately for you, you're still under S.H.I.E.L.D.'s custody. Rest assured, throwing you into an interrogation cell is the last thing we'll do. Behave and we'll take care of you."

"Does that mean I don't have to look after him anymore?" Tony asked.

"Yes. From here on, Loki is free from your responsibility."

The billionaire broke into a wide grin. "Hallelujah!"

"That's funny because of two things: one, you're atheist. And two, you've never really watched over him in the first place."

The atmosphere lightened up considerably when Steve laughed along with Bruce's jest. Loki allowed himself to be ushered by Fury back to his quarters. He cast one last glance back at Natasha before leaving. Thor, Steve and Bruce parted ways to leave the S.H.I.E.L.D. facility and head home. Tony was about to leave when Loki broke his silence.

"How are things back at the tower?"

"We still managed to have dinner, thanks to the ladies working miracles with the cleaning. The Avengers had to leave in the middle of eating when we found out you apparently went AWOL. You took up quite the majority of our conversations, in fact."

"I'm sorry for the trouble and upsetting everything. Could you at least let Miss Potts know that?"

"Yeah. You gave her quite a scare."

"One more thing," Loki quickly said.

Tony spun around on the spot, looking cranky and irritated. "What do you want now, Rock of Ages?"

"Could you do me a favor and stop by my former room?"

"What for?"

"I still have three books on the nightstand. Could you please return them to the New York public library for me?"

Tony looked as if he didn't expect that response. Suspicion faded from his eyes. "Uh, sure...I'll take care of it."

"Thank you."

Tony nodded and hurried down the hall, but Loki didn't have anything more to say. Loki and Fury took an elevator up several floors when the God of Mischief spoke again.

"Am I still permitted to visit Natasha and the temple?"

Fury pensively stared through the elevator's glass window. "Is that what matters to you now?"

Loki didn't know what to make of that question. He could only respond with tentative admittance and honesty by nodding.

"Considering you had wanted the whole world before, I'd say these are fair terms of agreement between us. I want to know answers too. I'm the commander of an international government agency that, frankly, deals with the weirdest shit that shows up on this planet. Feel free to tell me anything you manage to get your hands on. I'd believe anything, and so would Agent Romanoff."

Loki found that reassuring in some ways. When he was alone in his quarters, he spent the rest of the night mulling over everything that had happened in an overwhelming whirlwind. He had to find out why he had to be found and killed. At the same time, he must not be discovered. It was dangerous, and could very well cost his life. But he was willing to do it for the sake of justice and his own redemption. He came to one conclusion:

'Before I make peace with the people I've hurt...I must make peace with myself.'

My immediate family is Catholic, but I'm surrounded by Buddhist relatives and friends. My great-grandfather is a Buddhist monk (yeah, he's REALLY old) and I talked to him a bit for info and inspiration. He asked me why, but I don't think he'd understand if I said it was for a BlackFrost fic. Oh, and don't ever do what Loki did and go to an unlit Buddhist temple alone at night. Especially when all the dragons, lions and statues are staring into your soul. Just speaking from personal experience here lol.

The Other's name was just something I made up. I must admit that I'm not all that familiar with the comicverse. I know, shame on me. I decided to pick out details that would fit this story.