Welp. I wrote the emotion part of this when I was really sad so it's extra heavy. I wrote the rest of it when I was stressed, and it kinda sucks but not too much.
Lapis Lazuli: The boulder door slowly rolls open. Today's the day I'm finally free. I take a few tentative steps up the stairs. Thoughts rush through my head. It's nothing new, but it overwhelms me. I form my wings, and start to fly off into the crisp air. "Lazuli, wait! Where are you going?" Peridot yells. "No worries. I'll be back soon. I just need some time to think." I yell back. I speed up into the sun lit sky.
I fly until I can't go on anymore. I'm soaring above the sparkling ocean. My feelings start to choke me out. I need to escape. I dissipate my wings, and start falling hundreds of feet. The wind whips at my hair, at my clothes. I can barely breathe. Fear fills my heart. I hit the hard surface of the water. I let myself fall into the murky blue, sinking down into the depths of the sea. I land on the sandy bottom, an emotionless wreck. "Help me." I whisper. I'm about to explode. I take hold of the currents, and create a small whirlpool. I yell in frustration. My heart feels as though it's going to beat out of my chest. I let myself get swept up by my own torrent. Tears spill from my face. My heart feels as though it's on overload. I scream. Why can't I escape my emotions? It feels like everyone could see my pain, but chose to ignore it. Couldn't they see that I needed help? "Please, someone, help me!" I yell. Everything has fallen, and I don't have the strength to build it up again. I break down, letting the whirlpool subdue itself. I curl up on the ocean floor, tears spilling from my face. It hurt so much just to exist from day to day. "I can't take it anymore." I whisper. I hate it. I have to hide this from everyone. "Please, let me go. I shouldn't be alive! I don't want to be! But I'm not strong enough to end it! Someone help me!" I scream. My heart feels as though it'll explode. I can barely stay awake. My throat is swollen and my eyes are puffy. I cry. I don't stop. I'm done with life. But I refuse to end it. But I'm not good enough to live. I hear a sniffle come from behind me. I slowly look over my shoulder, and see Pearl standing a few feet away, gazing at me with horror. "Please! You've never held back before! Do it! Please!" I yell, tears streaming down my face. I turn my back to her, exposing my gem. She shakes her head sadly. "Lapis… What did we do to you?" she murmurs. I collapse on the ground, not wanting to feel at all.
Every storm has to end sometime. I don't even remember how long it took. I remember that Pearl left soon after I saw her. I don't blame her. Who'd want to be near me? I'm a wreck. I sit down at the edge of the beach, my feet resting in the ocean waves. My emotions choke me like weeds. I hear soft footsteps behind me. "Hey." I say. I already know who it is. "Hey." It's Peridot. "Are you… okay?" Peridot asks. I look her in the eyes. "Okay, so I know that you're not okay. Pearl told us what she saw. But you need to pull it together. You're better than this." Peridot says. I snort. "I'm not better than this. I don't deserve to be here." I mutter. Peridot looks at me with sympathy in her eyes. "Lapis…" she murmurs. "Why are you here, Peridot?" I mutter. She sighs. "This is about more than the past two weeks with the Crystal Gems, isn't it? Something else is bothering you." She says. I lean backwards, laying down on the wet sand. "Does it matter?" I ask, indifferent. "It does to me." She says. I sigh. "You're not going to give up on this, are you?" I ask. "No." she firmly replies. I sit up again. "Alright, you want to know?" I ask. "You know the answer." She responds. I stare into her eyes. "Alright. But don't say that I didn't warn you."
I sigh. "I mean… the Gems almost shattered me. And it was one of the worst experiences of my life. But… I'm just one gem. If they'd gone through with shattering me, they'd only have one death on their conscience. I've shattered hundreds of gems, ended thousands of lives. And I always knew that I was bad. But now that I've been on the other end of the spear, I understand how terrible I really was. It hurts to even try to think of how much I've hurt others. I scare myself. How can I trust myself, knowing what I've done? I'm a horrible person." I say. Peridot holds my hand. "You're not a bad person." She says. I glare at her. "Yes, I am. I'm a monster." I respond. "No, you're not. You've helped us so much since you came to the island. You saved us from Jasper." She says. My gaze darkens. "Jasper just proves my point." I mutter. Peridot looks at me with concern. "What? When you fused with her, you saved us. She would've attacked us. Now that she's freed, she's already hurt Steven. You saved us from her for as long as you could. That's amazing." Peridot says. I look away. "It's not amazing. Do you know what went on inside of Malachite's head? I had to constantly bind her, use all of my strength to keep her down. It felt like I was dying. But I was on top, controlling it. I had it easy. Jasper was trapped beneath the waters, constantly struggling to be freed. For the few moments I spent down there, it felt like I was constantly drowning." I say, squeezing my eyes shut. It hurts just to think about it. Peridot is silent.
"I know that I hurt Jasper more than anyone should ever have to bear. Our fusion was toxic. But I wasn't the worst victim." I murmur. Peridot hugs me, but I don't react. "It's okay, you're free now. You're going to be fine." Peridot says. A tear drops off my face. "No, I'm not free. Sometimes… I think like Jasper, see things the way she would. I can still feel her malice, her rage. And it's even worse, because I understand it now. Sometimes, I do things that she would do. It's like when we fused, a part of her stayed with me. But what scares me more is that a part of me went to her. I don't want her to understand me. I don't even want to understand her. But I do, and it's terrifying. I know that she's not one to give up. The fact that we haven't seen her or battled her means that she has a plan. One that'll change everything. And I'm too broken to fight her. This isn't over yet. I'm still trapped." I say. Tears stream freely down my face.
Amethyst: "How much longer?" I ask, standing in the cave with Jasper. She grins. "Less than a month. Keep checking back with me, and I'll tell you when I'm ready. I sigh. "Fine. But make it quick. I think the others are getting suspicious." I mutter. Her grin widens. "Don't worry. They'll know soon enough."