She looks at me the whole time we wait for our food. Her glare makes my neck hair stand up straight. What's going on with her? I know I talked shit, but is she really pissed at me? I don't dare to look at her and as soon as we get the food she turns on her heal and heads out the door. I ordered Oliver's and Karma's favourite, only when it came to Paula's order, I had to ask Karma. That was the only time she spoke in the restaurant. On the way back to the office, she's a few steps ahead of me the whole time. I feel really bad for being jealous earlier and reach out for her arm before she could enter the building. "I'm sorry about earlier, I know it's not my place to say something about your love life." Karma looked at me annoyed. "Non-existent love life." She mumbles, probably not for me to hear. "I'm just so confused to have you back in my life. I'm used to having you to myself. Now you have a new best friend and I don't know where I fit in this picture." It didn't sound as pathetic in my head as it did out loud. There was a soft smile on Karma's face. "I totally understand, trust me. I'm used to sharing you with Oliver either." She pauses and takes a few seconds to form the next sentence. "I can tell you exactly where you fit in. You're like a sister from another mister." She says in a mocking tone, shoving my shoulder playfully, grinning. I can't suppress a smile. Still I wished she would've said something else. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I seriously don't give a fuck anymore. I pull her in for a tight hug. She pulls away, still smiling. "We should probably head inside, before the food gets cold." She winks at me and enters the building. Who am I kidding? I still love her, and probably always will. With these thoughts I follow her inside, smiling foolishly at her back.
The moment we enter the office my smile slightly fades, remembering that I'm going to marry Oliver. Sweet, sweet Oliver. He sits there still hovering over the contract, casually saying things to Paula. When we enter he looks up quickly, smiling at me. "I'll be ready in a minute, then we can chat about it over lunch. Does that sound good to you?" He's now looking at Karma with a genuine smile. This is a good sign, that means he likes the contract, I can tell. He finishes while we set up the food. "How much do I owe you?" Paula's question catches me a bit off guard. I shake my head quickly and smile at her. "Oh, don't worry about it." She frowns at me and Karma just chuckles. "She doesn't like to be invited." I look at Paula with a raised eyebrow. "It makes me feel like a … an escort." She explains looking cautiously at Oliver. He must've told her that he dislikes swearing. I look back at Paula. "And to be honest, you guys are helping Karma with ther contract, so the least I can do is pay for my own food." Well she is kinda right. But she helps me, too. Yesterday she told me about Karma and her college days. "Please let me pay." Oh now I get it. "So it's about your pride, huh? Really, Paula, I just want to be nice. We invited you to the office, so we provide food. It's called good manners." I wink at a startled Paula. I look over to Oliver who's finished with the contract and smiles at me. I smile back and look to Paula again, who's now smiling mischievously. "Oh no," I hear Karma whisper, who sees Paula's expression, too. "So if it's an act of good manners," Paula starts, Karma pulls a face next to her and says "Here we go, Paula please don't, just stop." But Paula ignores her and continues. "How about we invite you two for dinner as a thank you?" She smiles big. "sounds great," I hear Oliver next to me say. What the fuck happened to not wanting to see Karma? On the other hand, he would never say no to free food. "But let's start with this one." He waves the contract in the air and sits down to eat. We join him on the table and he starts, looking at Karma. "I won't bore you with the lawyer terminology so I'll quickly explain it to you. It's a basic and decent record deal. The contract provides that you work with them on three albums, what means they have the right to release two cds if you bail after the first one. You're going to work with some other writers, but you're mainly asked to write yourself, since you're considered a singer-songwriter. Your income is basic, which is really good for a first-time record deal. Mr West must really like your work." He pauses for a moment and Karma shifts in her seat nervously. "This is a safe and good contract, Karma. I would recommend you make the deal." Karma sits there not moving, her mouth is wide open. Next to her, Paula has a huge smile on her face. All of a sudden they start to scream simultaneously and jump up to hug Oliver. He looks quite amused by the situation. I don't know how to react and sit there motionless. "Thank you so much! I don't know what I would've done without you!" Karma says, as the two finally release Oliver from their grip. Karma cries tears of joy, or at least I hope those are tears of joy. Oliver shifts in his seat. "There is one thing I have to tell you in addition." His expression darkens and his voice is serious. Oh so he's going to play them. They're gonna think that something is wrong with the contract, but in fact he just wants to advertise himself as a lawyer. He always does that, he waits for their reaction. They look at him again with wide eyes, scared and confused. And here it goes. He smiles at them and says "If something is wrong while you work with them, or you think there is any violation of the contract on your behalf, tell me and I will help you." Told you so. Oliver could be a sneaky little prick sometimes. Paula and Karma let out a breathe they were both holding in and started laughing. "Now I really want to take you out for dinner, thank you so much again Oliver." Karma says in between laughs. I clench my fists and shoot him a look. I dare you to say yes, idiot. "That would be great! How about tomorrow evening? We could celebrate after you signed the contract. I know a good place." He winks at me and I frown. "Isn't it amazing, Amy? I'm going to make my dream come true. I finally made it!" Karma looks at me expectant. She's back to naive again, she hasn't made it yet, she's practically just at the beginning. She still looks at me with this huge smile on her face and I try my best to put on a smile, but it occurs to me that it looks more than fake. "Yeah, it's really great." Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her. But dinner with Oliver and Karma? That's not a really good idea.
The situation stayed the same and I felt the urge to go for a walk. "Hey are you guys going to stay here and talk about work stuff? If so, do you mind if I go for a walk? Because I'm in desperate need for fresh air." Oliver looks at me concerned. Karma shares his expression, both of them know that I only need fresh air when something is really bothering me. Only Paula looks at me bewildered. All three of them nod and I head out of the door. A sudden relief runs through my body and my body releases some tension. As soon as I'm outside I take the fresh air in with a few deep breaths. There was no tension whatsoever in the office, but I felt like I was drowning. I walk down to the beach, pulling out my headphones and listen to the music on my iPod on shuffle. As soon as I arrive at the beach I take off my shoes and let my feet explore the sand. The sand is warm and soft, man how I love that feeling. I walk to the water line and let the waves embrace my legs. I start to really listen to the music and realize that I was listening to BriBry, my favourite Irish singer.
My imperfections, you let them mean nothing
I'd have done the same with yours if you had any
Just because I'm a mess doesn't mean this has to end
I deem it a certainty, you'll never find such love againTake another step, take another step back, don't leave
Look at where we've been through time
I'll always value your life over mine
I listen to the song on repeat and try to think about what I really want. I thought I was happy the last four years, but now I start to doubt everything in my life and I'm not sure of anything anymore. But one thing I'm obviously certain of, is that I can't stand Oliver and Karma getting along. I still don't know why though, I mean I should love the fact, shouldn't I? Something in me wants them to hate each other. That someone makes me chose between them. So I finally think straight … or not that straight. I sigh at my own pun. What's happening here? I feel my jaw tighten and my fists clenching at the thought that Oliver and Karma might want to spend time together. They're simply not supposed to get along. I feel a light tap on my shoulder. I jump and turn around to see Paula standing behind me. "I needed some fresh air, too and I saw you standing here …" My expression is clearly not that friendly, because she says "I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you. I should leave you alone, it was stupid to come down here." I shake my head quickly and start to smile. "Don't be silly, you don't bother me. I'd actually like some company." I say to her confusion. "I had the feeling you wanted to get out of there to be alone." That was the intention, right. "I just wanted to sort out my thoughts. You know my job is so stressful right now and I have this awful near dead line that I have to make and I'm not nearly as far as I should be. And to be honest, I hate to sit indoors when I have nothing to do. I always either work, read, or watch Netflix." I sigh deep. Paula smiles at me and stands next to me. "As believable as that sounds, you can't fool me." I look at her confused. "I know that you walked out of there, because there is your fiancé and the person that you once loved in a room, getting along. That must be really awkward for you." Love. But I won't tell her that. She turns her head and looks at me sympathetically. I can't help it but smile. "Yeah, you're right. I have no idea why I don't want them to get along, because one part of me says that it's good, but I have this awful feeling about it, you know?" she chuckles a bit. "Are you opening up to me?" I shake my head smiling. "Kind of, yeah. But I know that you're a decent person, so why not open up to the best friend of my childhood friend?" I nudge her shoulder lightly and she giggles. "You don't have to worry, okey?" I say with a little smile on my face. Her confused look begs for an explanation. "I'm not stealing you best friend. I just wanted to tell you that. I don't know if you thought something like that or not, but I can see that the friendship is important to the both of you, so I won't come between you two." She looks at the horizon and sighs. "That's not really what I'm afraid of." She mumbles. I can tell that she doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't say anything and we stand there looking at the sea.
After Paula and Amy came back from their "walk", more like marathon, we decided to part our ways. Paula and I Venice Beach for a while longer and Oliver begged Amy to go home, that came in handy for Amy who had a meeting with her publisher. As we walk through Venice Beach Paula is suspiciously quiet. "Okey, spill it." I finally say. I can't stand it when she doesn't say what's on her mind. "What?" She looks at me confused. "What's wrong with you? I mean seriously. You haven't said a word in 20 minutes, normally you don't go 20 seconds without saying something." She frowns at my comment. "So I'm a blabbermouth, thank you." She takes a deep breathe. "Nothing is wrong, I'm just thinking." "About what?" I won't get her off the hook that easy. She shoots me a look but I just smile at her. "You cheeky bastard," she says rolling her eyes smiling. "When Amy and I were on a walk earlier, we talked about some stuff. And don't even bother to ask me what, because I won't tell you." She grins wide at me and I let out a disappointed breathe. "Fine then, let's continue this walk in silence." I say a bit annoyed. What could they possibly have talked about that she doesn't want to share with me? I mean if they'd talked about me, she would tell me. I'm overthinking this, I know, but I'm just curious. I keep my mouth shut nonetheless for the rest of the walk.
When we arrive at the hotel again, we realize it's quite late already. It was around 7pm and we've been out the whole day. Paula is in her room, freshening up. And I sit there, strumming my guitar, thinking about the day. It was a quite eventful day, wasn't it? And I seriously get along with Oliver. When the girls were on there walk, we just sat there at chatted about high school, and about college. But mostly we talked about my future career and how he was genuinely happy for me. I still can't believe it. But one this is odd, though. We didn't let the name Amy slide down our tongues, not once. We didn't mention Amy at all. Well maybe that was for the better, because I wouldn't like to see that conversation. That would've been seriously awkward. My mind wanders back to Paula and what she probably talked to Amy about. Maybe they just talked about why she left the office. Wait, why did she leave the office? Everything went fine, she only goes for a walk this hastily when she's unhappy with the situation, but the situation was fine, wasn't it? I'm really confused, but whatever. I let my mind wander again, but it sticks to one thought: What if I realized my feelings earlier, and I said I loved her back, exactly like that? Everybody knows that "What if …" thoughts are toxic, but I can't help it. Maybe I would be engaged to Amy now. But maybe I wouldn't be so close with Paula, because she wouldn't have cheered me up and stuff. I sigh, everything has its downsides, but not being that close with Paula is just unimaginable. She's my world. But on the other side, Amy would be my world right now. I would be in a happy relationship for ten years now … or not. Maybe we would've had a terrible breakup, and wouldn't look each other in the eye now, because of the relationship. Okey, decision made, it's fine how it is. We're just not meant to be. I have to accept that, even if it's hard. A loud knock on the door shoots me out of my thoughts. Room service stands in front of my door with a bottle of champaign. "Erm, I didn't order champaign," I say with knitted eyebrows. "That's fine, because I did." Paula stands right behind the guy who brought the bottle and takes it from him. "Thanks so much." She winks at him and enters the room, closing the door in the face of the poor guy. "Paula! He was probably just waiting for his tip!" She looks at me. "Duh! That's why I shut the door, I don't have the money for tips!" I laugh and she grabs the bottle and opens it. "Sooo … why the champaign?" She looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "Isn't it obvious? You're gonna be a world famous pop star and that needs to be celebrated!" She pops the bottle open and takes a huge gulp of champaign. "Calm you ass, honey. I haven't signed anything, yet. And didn't we say we'll celebrate with Amy and Oliver tomorrow?" She lets out a laugh. "Yeah, in a fancy-ass restaurant, were we can't get drunk as hell and make out afterwards." She winks at me. I roll my eyes at her. "So you want to just sit in our hotel room, get drunk and do nothing?" She pulls a face, like I just ate a bug and I'm really disgusting. "What?! Hell no, we're going to a club after this bottle is empty. I want to go dancing!" I laugh, she's so cute. And yeah, dancing would be great actually. "We haven't gone out clubbing in sooo long, so let's do it!" I feel like she had a few drinks before, because she acts really tipsy. "Yeah, fine, alright. We'll go clubbing tonight. Under one condition, don't hook up with any weird guy there." She laughs at my comment. "Oh trust me, when I'm with you, guys are so not interesting." She goes in for a hug. Was that comment weird, or is it just me? We finish the bottle, and another one, and head for a club.
We have no idea were to search for a club, but we eventually found one. The only problem, we have no idea where we are. But we'll figure it out later … hopefully. We enter the club and are welcomed with loud … rock music? Well not real rock music, but that pop rock stuff, like 5 seconds of summer, or something like that. It is quite nice, that it's no electro music, or house, or I don't know, I don't really like that kind of music. I'm way more into instruments. Paula is thrilled and goes directly to the bar. She turns around and hands me a beer. We look around and start to observe the people around us. I feel Paula's arm around my shoulders and see that a guy looks at me an approaches me. "Hey, how are you?" Oh great, shivers run down my spine. I'm really not in the mood for this right now. "Fine." "So are you here alone, or …?" I look at him, is he serious? I motion at the arm around me neck. "Obviously I'm with someone." "Oh, cool. So you and your friend are here to party?" Suddenly Paula speaks. "Girlfriend." "What?" The guy is clearly confused. "Well you see? This is my girlfriend, and we're here for a good time." She says blankly. He looks at her startled, "You guys are a couple?" He points at the both of us and we just nod. "I don't believe it, prove it." It's seriously the same routine every time. They want to see us kiss, and we decline. Then they don't believe us and finally we just ignore them. Suddenly Paula jumps up. "I LOVE THIS SONG!" And she drags me to the dance floor. I try to recognize the song. And I do as soon as Paula starts to sing along. "I don' t care if I'm misfit, I like it better than the hipster of all shit. I am the mother fucking princess. You still love me." When she sings the last part she looks me in the eye and grabs my hands. I dance along, of course. This is usual to me, Paula loves a song and I have to dance with her. I love dancing, but dancing with another person is just weird. But yes, it's Rock'n'Roll by Avril Lavigne, of course. "When it's you and me, We don't need no one to tell us who to be. We'll keep turning up the radio. What if you and I Just put up a middle finger to the sky, Let them know we're still rock 'n roll." Somehow our surroundings slow down and all I see is me and her. She never looked so genuinely loving like in that moment. And she's absolutely beautiful with her brown curls hanging over her shoulder, and a hat on her head. She wears a leather jacket, a white t-shirt and black pants with her signature boots. I don't know if it's the alcohol talking, but I really see how attractive she actually is. "Some some how, It's a little different when I'm with you, You know what I really am On the phone. You know how it really goes. Some some way, We'll be getting out of this Time one day. You're the only that I Want with me." She's still singing, but with these lines she takes me by the hip. Out of reflex I pull my arms around her neck and we look each other in the eye. She has fucking beautiful eyes. They look like gold. I could really get lost in them. The next thing I know is that I come closer to her face, and closer and closer, until there is no more distance between us. I kiss her, and it leaves goosebumps all over my body. She's a freaking good kisser. Her lips are soft and yes, I kissed her before. But never like this. We both had this desire in us, we both wanted more and neither of us wanted to break the kiss. A heat fills my body as she pulls me closer. Our lips move perfectly in sync as if they were made for each other and like a routine we both use our tongues in the exact same moments. The moment our tongues meet, I hear a little moan escape from her mouth and it makes my head rush. I pull away and see her pouting at the loss of contact. I feel the desire to kiss her again, but look her in the eyes for a moment. "Should we head back to the hotel?" She nods slightly and we slide through the mass of people on the dance floor outside. When we're outside I grab her hand and pull her close to me again. She looks at me, with wild eyes and I lean in again. This time my hand is in her hair, almost pushing down the hat. Her hands are on my back, but she lowers them slowly until she squeezes my ass. I can't, I really can't anymore. This time it's her who pulls away, leaving me panting a bit. "So, hotel?" She says, still holding me, looking at me. I simply not and we almost run back to the hotel. We let our instinct lead us the way and it works. This, or Paula remembered the way, I was way too tipsy to remember.
As soon as we entered the hotel, we were back to making out. We arrive at my room and we almost fall on the floor. We make it to the bed though and she picks me up, just to lower me on the bed again. I lie there as she hovers over me. "Should we really do this?" She asks, a slight concern in her voice. I have the complete desire to feel her body on mine, to feel her heat, to feel her love, so I nod quickly and she starts kissing me again.