Author's Notes: For jhalya, Sesshy's finally here!
I've had a real hard time with writer's block on this one. I've edited and re-edited this chapter all week, and nothing sounds right. Your comments on how to make Sesshoumaru a better character will be much appreciated! Thank you for your patience as I try to fight my writer's block on this.
Absence
Chapter Ten
Inuyasha carried the sack of sweet potatoes in one hand, Rin clasping the other lightly. They had taken the time to roast a couple of the potatoes, and Rin nibbled on one as they walked, her lively chatter broken up intermittently by short bouts of chewing. Inuyasha responded to her comments where it seemed she wanted confirmation or response, but for the most part he just listened.
The numbness, lifted briefly on the riverbank, had settled over him again. He swam through the mists of darkness, dazed and distant. Even the feel of Rin's fingers in his felt strange, like it wasn't his hand she held.
His nose worked just fine, though, and they tracked unerringly through the depths of the forest to where Sesshoumaru's scent was strongest. Rin, charming, unsuspecting Rin, trusted him implicitly. It was astounding.
"He's here."
Inuyasha would have released her hand and let her go forward alone; hoping, maybe, that Sesshoumaru wouldn't notice his presence, note his changed state from the scent of his blood. But Rin tightened her grip on him, smiling brightly up into his face. "Inuyasha-sama is trying to steal Rin's sweet potatoes!"
The accusation was teasing, and she drew Inuyasha forward with her into the small clearing.
Sesshoumaru stood at the far edge of the open space, half-turned away. He turned his head as they approached, cool gold eyes appraising as he looked Inuyasha head to foot.
Something might have stirred deep within him, but his voice was devoid of mockery, full of cold disdain. "Half-breed, you are pitiful."
The reactive spurt of anger faded instantly to lethargy. It hurt too much to feel, to think. It was easier to swim in the grayness, the mists, but Inuyasha's mind clung to one fact. "Sesshoumaru. You could kill me. You've tried enough before. So do it now. Just do it." He couldn't submit to any mindless youkai, but he could let Sesshoumaru kill him. He could stand here and look into the eyes of death without fear. He could let it all be over.
There might have been a sneer in Sesshoumaru's voice. "Half-breed, you will not tell this Sesshoumaru what to do." He directed a glance down at Rin, and she obediently released Inuyasha's hand to come stand closer to his side, but her eyes were filled with worry.
Sesshoumaru turned his eyes back to Inuyasha, taking in the crimson hue of his eyes, the violet markings on his cheeks. "Pathetic fool. You have been many times warned of the consequences of your meaningless transformation. Does not your little human keep you in line? She, at least, understands. If you do not care for your own sake, care for hers."
His hands fisted, but he couldn't feel the anger. All he could feel was the dull, dreary fog that tugged insistently on his mind. "She's gone. I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters. I just want to forget…"
Sesshoumaru crossed the distance in a heartbeat, the movement so sudden, so fast it seemed like no movement at all. His eyes were hard, furious with an intensity so cold it burned, but his fist was a blur of motion as it crashed crosswise into Inuyasha's face.
Inuyasha went sprawling from the force of Sesshoumaru's attack. He lay stunned, too apathetic to struggle to his feet. Both demons ignored Rin's dismayed squeak, and Sesshoumaru's chest rose and fell once in a sharp breath as he glared down at the fallen Inuyasha. His voice was dangerous. "This is not what she would have wanted for you."
Now the anger flared within Inuyasha, hot and hard, boiling in his insides. How could he speak of her like that? How could he presume to know what she would or would not have wanted? Inuyasha hauled himself to his feet, unthinkingly drawing Tessaiga in one smooth motion. He could feel his wounds, tentatively healing, reopen at the force of the blow, the force of his fall, throbbing as he regained his balance.
He ignored the pain, shouting across the clearing at Sesshoumaru, not knowing there were tears on his face. "What do you know? She's gone, dammit! Gone. It doesn't matter anymore what she'd want."
There was a long silence, and the weight of Inuyasha's fury pulsed through the small clearing. Sesshoumaru, unaffected as always, merely leveled Inuyasha with a piercing look, his eyes trailing to the hilt of Tessaiga Inuyasha gripped with one white-knuckled hand as if his life depended on it. As, in a very real way, it did.
His voice was low. "It matters, apparently, to you."
Sesshoumaru told Rin not to stray from the clearing and left her there, collecting firewood from the fringes of the woods for the evening's camp and munching on the sweet potatoes and nuts she'd collected. Then he gave Inuyasha the single command: "Come" and walked into the forest.
Rin smiled sweetly at Inuyasha as he hesitated. "Go on, Inuyasha-sama. It will be all right."
It'll be okay.
No. No, it wouldn't. It wasn't. Someone else once had told him it'd be okay, smiling at him. A different smile, sweet but tinged with sadness. A smile that hid the wealth of hurt she'd carried in her heart every day. For him, because of him. But she was gone, by his own hand she was gone.
Inuyasha gave up. Thinking still hurt. Wearily, he followed Sesshoumaru into the thickness of the forest.
They walked a long time in silence, Sesshoumaru treading steadily, silently, Inuyasha blundering behind him as exhaustion edged his vision with black, staring at his half-brother's back.
Finally Sesshoumaru spoke, not turning around, not slowing his pace. "There was a time, before you were born, when this Sesshoumaru was still young and not possessed of full capabilities for judgment. It was the time when your human mother was pregnant, carrying you, and Father would spend much of his time at the human dwelling where she resided. When Father came to visit, this Sesshoumaru could tell he had changed, but not why or how.
"Father asked if this Sesshoumaru would like to spend some time together. At the time, I was naive enough to think of only the thrill of power that comes with being young and powerful. Father rejected this Sesshoumaru's idea of descending on a village, as once we had before. When pressed, Father said something this Sesshoumaru did not comprehend at the time. 'She wouldn't like it,' he'd said. Father always spoke of your human mother in such a way—a deference he did not afford this Sesshoumaru's mother, Father's own true mate."
Sesshoumaru paused here, turning to face Inuyasha. He could read the fatigue in Inuyasha's face, knew the toll of his battles and his inner struggles would soon catch up with the young hanyou. Idiot fool, he thought, but there was a sort of patience, something close to compassion that he wouldn't freely admit. The misguided idiot had pushed himself too far in his attempts to block out the pain that would never fade.
Sesshoumaru continued. "This Sesshoumaru said something along the lines of 'She's not here. So it doesn't matter what she wants.' At that, Father elaborated, again saying things this Sesshoumaru had not come to understand until recently, words that have remained with this Sesshoumaru through the centuries. 'It matters to me. Son, one day you will understand what it is for someone to mean so much it hurts, but you are willing to bear the hurt because they mean that much to you.' "
Somewhere, deep inside, Sesshoumaru's words resonated with Inuyasha. He blinked, his vision clearing momentarily, but he shook his head. No. He didn't want…he couldn't think. Not yet. It hurt, it would hurt. It would break him.
As if he perceived this inner struggle, and was disgusted with Inuyasha's failure to comprehend and come to his full senses, Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes in irritation. He hadn't intended to reveal this much. "This Sesshoumaru now understands."
He directed a look through the trees. Inuyasha followed his gaze, surprised to find that they had circled around to the edge of the clearing. Rin was visible through the trees, humming to herself as she cracked nuts open with a rock gripped in both hands. Mild surprise, coupled with disgust, infused his voice. "She's a child."
There was a wealth of censure in the taller demon's response. "Do not think this Sesshoumaru is one with your immoral monk, half-breed. This feeling I have for the girl is not unlike what this Sesshoumaru believes our father felt…for you." Inuyasha's gaze jerked to Sesshoumaru's face, searching. Sesshoumaru's voice held no resentment, only a calm acceptance, as he turned to stride into the clearing.
His words echoed back to Inuyasha. "It is an affection, a warmth, a desire to protect. A willingness to die to offer that protection. Inuyasha…yours was undoubtedly less of a paternal sentiment, but this feeling is not something this Sesshoumaru should need to clarify for you."
Sesshoumaru's words drove back the mists, banished the hollow darkness until his mind was clear. Inuyasha had felt all that, and more. He knew, all too well, what it was to love someone so much he'd rather die in her place.
He knew what it was to love someone so much he was willing to give her up to those who loved her more.
Inuyasha didn't have to look down at his hands to know that his claws had shortened, blunted; he didn't have to check his reflection to know his eyes had faded from crimson to amber, the purple stripes faded to nothing.
The demon within subsided, quieted. And he was left with the consequences of his actions.
What had he done? He hadn't killed humans, he hadn't lost his soul in the black joy of mindless killing. But those were minor sins compared to the crimes he had committed.
Ane-ue wouldn't be able to stand losing us both.
He'd promised. He'd promised. He'd broken the promise.
I'll protect you with my life.
He'd promised. Had he kept that promise? Had he done the right thing?
He had. He'd done the best he could. He'd done the only thing he could. That was the same as doing the right thing…wasn't it?
He wasn't aware he'd fallen to his knees. He didn't know the sobs had choked out, loud in the stillness of the clearing. He didn't know the tears were pouring down his cheeks, his breaths coming in huge, broken gasps. He didn't know Sesshoumaru stood impassively aside, watching him through strangely compassionate eyes, as Rin walked slowly up to him. Her own tears spilled over as she knelt at his side and pulled him into her arms, pressed her cheek against his head.
Her breath tickled his ears, and her arms were so warm, so tight around him.
She didn't tell him it would be all right. She didn't make him any false promises. But her words were just as soft.
"It's okay to hurt, Inuyasha-sama. It's okay to cry."