Chapter 11: Reveille
(Alternate title: The Filler Saga, Part 1.)
In this chapter, Peridot starts investigating the horrible crime against organized society. What follows is an accurate description of detective work. If you think you want to be the next big Dick Tracy, you might want to start taking notes. You'll be in a padded cell in no time!
-o-
Something barked happily next to Peridot's aural sensors. "HEY!" she shouted, scaring little Pumpkin away. What had happened? Had she been poofed? The last thing Peridot remembered was Lapis Lazuli joking, something about a parenting manual...
Of course! All the excitement of the day had caused an overload in Peridot's cognitive center of superior quality, so she had decided to meditate "just for five minutes." What time was it? Discovering her iPad next to the bean bag chair she had been sleeping in, Peridot saw that it was 9:00 in the morning.
Something was partially obstructing her vision, though. Aha, a note had been attached on Peridot's visor! She yanked it off and read it (thankfully, it wasn't in italic):
...
"Dear Peridot, you fell asleep while meditating. I've gone to water the corn fields. I contacted your drones and instructed them to carry out the mission you gave them. I made sure they would only gather information, and told them to let you get some rest. I really thought you needed it.
Best regards,
your barn mate and partner-in-meep morp-shenanigans, Lapis Lazuli.
PS. I caught some sleep, too. I saw a strange dream about a human with some kind of war paint on his face. He told me to say hi to the little green one, and that his eyes are open. I guess the green one would be you, so... hi!"
...
"This Earth can be so devious. It poofs your mind and leaves your form intact... I wish I could wipe my memory now," Peridot moaned.
"Woof!" scolded Pumpkin, who had gathered courage to give her protest to Peridot.
"Oh, Pumpkin, don't you start... not now... I'm sorry, but I must be going. I have an important task to do. Have you seen my Authority Glasses?"
"Arruf," said Pumpkin and ran away. Peridot wasn't sure Pumpkin had understood, so she assumed that Pumpkin wanted nothing to do with the silly human(oid) business.
"Wonderful! Just wonderful."
Peridot suddenly felt very reluctant to do anything. Repairing cars, solving crimes, fighting, even watching Camp Pining Hearts felt silly and meaningless. Thinking that she had to do something, still halfway submerged in the bean bag chair, Peridot tried to motivate herself. "Come on, Peridot... what would Chuck Norris do in my place? What would Worf do? He would get up. Get up, Peridot, get up... even if it's no good. *sigh* I'll get up. I wonder what's on the radio... Oh, radio, what's new?"
Hoping to get a musical jump start to her morning, Peridot surfed the radio channels with her iPad. Unfortunately, she was greeted with the baying of the lead vocalist of Volbeat.
"GAAAH! Stupid Earth! This is their 'radio' dying! Bah, why do I bother? Maybe I'll just use Spotify later to find some actual music... Choices, choices..."
A zombielike Peridot made her way to greet the morning outside. Looking around, Peridot saw that the scarecrow's hat had fallen off - the thing really didn't even have a head at the moment. Lapis, the kindhearted gem, had donated the volleyball that had been serving as the scarecrow's head to the Beach City Girl Scout's Alliance.
Peridot was relieved to find that at least the scarecrow's hands were still in place. When she had built the scarecrow two weeks earlier, she hadn't attached the hands properly, and they had fallen off at night. She had been on the verge of crying and had only calmed down after the scarecrow had been fixed. The loyal scarecrow had been a rather sad sight, yes, but Peridot's strong reaction had puzzled Lapis. Eventually she had come to the conclusion that it had been just another case of Earth getting to Peridot.
"Hello there. Scared any crows lately?" Peridot asked. Despite feeling melancholy herself, she tried to address the scarecrow in a kind tone.
A gentle gust of wind made the scarecrow sway from side to side. "I guess that's a no, then. Well, have you found the guy you've been looking for?"
No answer.
"Have you found the evildoer? Do you even remember who it is that you're supposed to track down?"
The scarecrow seemed to sway in the wind again.
"Maybe you should focus on keeping the crows away, then. The only bad guy... gal... whatever around here is a corrupt gem I bubbled. A rather harmless, mindless beast when compared to others I've seen. And those are bubbled in the Temple."
Now the scarecrow shook violently. Or was it just Peridot's imagination?
"I don't understand. Hm. At least you are doing something useful, unlike me right now," Peridot droned on. "Me? Oh, I'm just fooling myself. I'm about to go on a wild goose chase. Hmm... Maybe I'll just call the strange human and report that my mission was a failure. Who cares if he brings the Nazional Guard to Beach City? Not me. So useless... everything is so meaningless..."
"Woof! Woof!" Pumpkin ran at Peridot, carrying Peridot's precious glasses between his jaws.
"Pumpkin, you little rascal!" Peridot took the glasses and was glad to find that they weren't completely coated with slobber. "Good Pumpkin! Would you like to be my deputy? You see, I kind of have to find this..."
But Pumpkin barked and shook herself from side to side.
"Oh, all right, it could be dangerous anyway. We don't know exactly how fragile you are, and I'd rather not find out."
Peridot donned the Authority Glasses. But before she could continue her depressed morning ramblings, the magic of the glasses started working. Suddenly, she was once again full of energy - the glasses fooled part of Peridot's mind into thinking that it was night time again. It was the hour for Batman and other freaks to shine. Somewhere in Beach City, the Joker was smiling, and Peridot would punch him in the face.
"A stolen toupee," said Peridot with renewed confidence. "Well, it looks like this is about to get hairy!"
YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
The clock was ticking, so there wasn't time to come up with more Horatio Caine jokes. Peridot entered the barn, grabbed her iPad and after contacting the drones, instructed them to return to the barn with their progress report.
After 5 minutes of waiting, the drones happily buzzed inside the barn. Three of them landed at the recharging stations Peridot had fashioned from Earth parts, while one of them, Brigit, approached Peridot.
"Well hello there, Brigit! How did your little mission go?"
"Hello, Peridot. We flew around Beach City, gathering information. We kept our weapons offline, since Lapis commanded it so. I am uploading our report to your iPad right now. There's just one thing..."
"What is it?"
"Since we weren't allowed to defend ourselves, we were hit with bird droppings..."
"Oh, stupid bird clods... Hold on, I'll get a rag." Peridot grumbled as she carefully cleaned each of the drones. She had accepted the fact that Earth was sometimes messy, but she sure didn't like it.
"And that should be it! Next time, try to avoid flying under the birds... Oh, and you can go and recharge yourself now, Brigit. It's time you guys rested. Besides, it's my time to shine! Wish me luck!"
"Good luck, Peridot!"
Switching her iPad on, Peridot examined the report. It contained all the data the drones had gathered, along with suggestions for lines of investigation that would require some good old fashioned legwork and therefore fell to Peridot herself. The report read:
###
"Data InDigest Report #7
CLASSIFIED - FOR AUTHORIZED VISION SPHERES ONLY
Subject: Theft of hair enhancer belonging to Donald J. Trump
Type of crime: Assault & theft/kidnapping, purse snatching style
Stolen property: Toupee
Victim(s): Donald J. Trump (owner of toupee), toupee (kidnapping), Peridot (increased stress levels)
Crime scene location: Uncle Andy's barn / Peridot's Car Repair Shoppe
Suspect(s): a European herring gull (Larus argentatus)
Points of interest:
I. Biology and habits of herring gulls: Presence of aforementioned avifauna in America is unlikely but possible due to magnetic storms and climate change. Unprovoked attack resulting in theft of a hair enhancer is unlikely.
II. Beach City traffic camera footage: No recent sightings of European herring gulls or hair enhancers.
III. Resources of the Beach City Police force are diminished due to police and dolphin watch staff joint strike. Criminal database hack was successful, but no valid matches with current suspect profile found.
IV. List of potentially helpful civilians and civilian organizations:
a) Ronaldo Fryman, media analyst
Subject may possess information on unusual and/or paranormal activity in the Beach City region. Location: Varies, presently unknown. (Warning: subject's prescription of Iloperidone has been expired. Approach with caution.)
b) The Crystal Gems, paramilitary hippie community
The Crystal Gems may provide assistance in dealing with corrupted gems and other paranormal phenomena. Location: The Crystal Temple, the Beach, Beach City.
c) Beach City Anshe Sholom Synagogue, religious community
- The Beach City Synagogue is an important community center. Its staff has proved crucial in solving of several politically motivated crimes. Location: 47th Fig Street, Beach City.
End of Data InDigest Report #7"
###
"Oh, this ought to be good," thought Peridot as she read through the report. "Ronaldo Fryman... Hmmm, where would that french fry hair be in the morning? ... Looks like his midnight stream ended at 0400 hours. His last known location was probably the lighthouse, but being paranoid, he wouldn't actually sleep in the same place after streaming. Oh well, I shall try the most simple way of catching him first."
Peridot dialed the number of Beach City's McDonald's. She held a pencil between her jaws to change her voice. After 5 seconds of beeping, Peedee Fryman answered the phone:
"McDonald's, Beach City, something for everybody! This is Peedee speaking. How may I help you?"
"Mmph, gimme Hard Boiled Egg, will you? It's urgent."
"I'm terribly sorry, this is McDonald's, and we only serve health food here. Would you like me to recommend..."
"No, I don't want an egg, I want to speak to the Hard Boiled Egg. One hand washes another. Capiche?"
"Oh! Si, capiche... Ronaldoooooo! There's some fan of yours on the phone!"
There was a sound of quickly approaching stomps and panting. Ronaldo was on the heavy side, so it figured. "No names! Just gimme that! ... Hello?! Hello! Who is this?" came Ronaldo's voice.
When Peridot had learned that Ronaldo had once smeared the Crystal Gems in his blog, she had created herself a fake online persona, pretending to be one of (five) Ronaldo's fans. She had found some of his ramblings amusing, so she had halfheartedly praised him every now and them. Now it was time to cash the chips. "Fellow seeker, I'm in need of your help. You know me as Scarabeus."
"Scarab...? Oh! It's you! You're the one who liked & shared my blog entries, tweets, YouTube videos, podcasts and streams, aren't you?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Hold on, I'll plug my signal cryptofier scrambling device in... there. The line should be secure for at least two minutes. Go on, I'm listening!"
"I think I've uncovered a plot to... uh... rig the upcoming presidential elections," Peridot said, coming up with a brilliant excuse on the spot. "And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'd like to meet you in a secure location. I have a data rod that must not fall into the wrong hands."
"Oh, Scarabeus! I wish we could have this conversation under better circumstances. Alas, I think I'm being monitored, and I cannot meet you face to face. But wait! You can drop the rod in the trash can in front of Beach City Modern Art Gallery... in... Say, can you make it in exactly 30 minutes? The trashcans are emptied only tomorrow."
"I can do that. Long live freedom of Spinach!"
"Long live freedom of Spinach," replied Ronaldo. Click! The phone call was over.
"What a sucker. That's how you deal with these kooks. You play along with their madness and stroke their ego. Paranoia is a poor substitute for common sense and skepticism! Nyahahaha!" Peridot snickered. She had no intention of honoring her and Ronaldo's agreement to simply leave a data rod in some trash can. She would definitely follow him to his lair, ambush him and get some answers.
-o-
Connie awoke to the feeling that someone was stroking her hair. "Hm, what...?"
It was Priyanka. She had come home just 5 minutes after Connie had fallen asleep. Normally she wouldn't wake her up like that, but now she had a good reason to do so.
"Hey there, Connie. Sorry for waking you up, but I just had to say that the lingonberry parfait you and your dad made for me tasted wonderful."
"Uh, mom, I... You're not mad at me?"
"No. I'm not exactly made of glass, you know. I think you just let all the bad things out of your system. I'll take my part of the blame for that. Me and your father... We may have made some mistakes. And we may have been a bit strict, but we always have your best interest in mind. You understand that, don't you?"
"Yeah." Connie was still unsure what to say. Should she apologize for her outburst? But before she could decide, Priyanka continued:
"Sorry you had to go to sleep without me wishing you a good night. I had a long day at work. At least I had time to think as I was driving home. You may not believe this, but I used to be young once, just like you. I know how you're feeling and... Well, sometimes the egg is wiser than the chicken."
"So... about my presentation, then..."
"If you want to give a presentation about Hanna Reitsch, then you do it. Just promise me one thing, will you?"
"What is it, mom?"
"If someone - anyone - gives you a hard time at school or anywhere, for any reason, please tell me. We'll figure out what to do then. Together."
"I promise."
"Good! Now give a hug, will you?"
Connie held back tears of relief. She still wanted to appear all tough. "Mom, I'm sorry for the things I said. I was angry, but I didn't mean to be so... you know."
"Oh, I've heard worse. Besides, I shouldn't be surprised. It's not like I have never... been really angry with anyone."
The smile faded from Priyanka's face for a second, but it was long enough for Connie to notice.
"About your presentation... I'm sure it will go well. When is it scheduled, anyway?"
"Tomorrow. Don't worry, it will be just perfect," Connie assured.
"Well, you can tell me all about it after school. I'm actually going back to the hospital in an hour. I just had to see you. I should be able to get back home tomorrow early."
-o-
"Very punctual, this human," thought Peridot as she spied Ronaldo reach inside the trash can and pocket the data rod. He looked around nervously, failing to spot Peridot, and started hobbling through the streets.
Trailing Ronaldo was a simple matter for Peridot. Since Ronaldo wasn't used to exercising, Peridot could track him by listening to the audible panting sound he made. She then heard what was presumably the sound of a metal door being pulled open. Ronaldo had entered an abandoned storage shed.
Peridot tiptoed closer to the shed until she could peek inside from a crack in the wall that Ronaldo had neglected to cover. Inside, he placed a laptop on a desk. As the laptop fired up, Peridot could see that the operating system had a strange background image. It was a photograph of a gull standing on a traffic sign which, judging from the symbolism, was prohibiting gulls from entering or loitering.
Ronaldo inserted the data rod into the USB port. "Now, let's see what secrets my loyal follower has entrusted me with. Ah, the contents are encrypted with the standard Ronaldo key I've given to people that can be trusted, very good! This shouldn't take long... There! Now, what exactly are these, Mulder? Image files?"
Ronaldo scrolled through the images. They were photographs taken at a Crystal Gem slumber party. In the photos, an excited Amethyst and Pearl were duking it out with pillows. With each new photo, the fight was clearly developing into a tickling match. In the last photo, an angry Pearl was trying to reach for the camera while Amethyst was laughing.
"Oh, I see it now!" spoke Ronaldo aloud, causing Peridot to flinch in her hiding spot. "I understand why the government would want to remove these photos from existence. They're beautiful! So wonderful that these gems have rebranded the warlike motifs so often present in pro military propaganda into a display of love and camaraderie! Beautiful, indeed! This calls for a poem. A poem to celebrate! Ahem:
'I put my helmet in the cage
and I left with the bird on my head.
Hey,
do we not salute anymore,
demanded the sergeant.'"
So beautiful were the gems that Ronaldo forgot to wonder what exactly they had to do with the upcoming presidential elections. The air inside the shed was dusty, so he coughed and stopped reciting the poem.
Suddenly, Peridot, who had snuck inside the shed, continued where Ronaldo had left off:
"No - brraaak -
we don't salute anymore
replied the bird. What convoluted tripe this is."
Because Peridot could adjust her optic sensors for the dim light and because she wanted to look cool, she had kept her Authority Glasses on. They sure made an impression on Ronaldo. "I SURRENDER!" he screamed, holding his arms above his head, right where Peridot could see them. "Don't shoot! I'm unarmed! I mean... I'm only armed with the truth and moral high ground!"
"Ronaldo Fryman. You may lower your arms. I'm not with the police," said Peridot, attempting to calm Ronaldo down.
"But... but, if you're not with the police, then who are you with? FBI? CIA? Oh, no, you're with the Illuminati, aren't you? I mean... Please, forget that I said that!" Ronaldo begged.
"What? Oh, my glasses. It seems they have more interesting functions besides the obvious gamma correction. Listen up, human. Let's just say that I am with the police. But I'm not here to arrest you or anything," Peridot assured.
"But... hold on. You're one of those gems, aren't you? You're the eco terrorist! I'm a bit confused right now..."
"Well... ohh!" Peridot had an idea. "I am indeed a Gem, but I'm not exactly an Eco. You see, I'm a refugee from a place called the Homeworld. I'm escaping from a totalitarian fascist & dictatorship government, and I had no place to go but Earth. I work for the good guys now. Down with the Diamond Authority, that's my motto!"
"Well in that case, you have my sympathy!" exclaimed Ronaldo. "Diamonds... Somehow I always knew it! Oh, forgive the state of this planet and this country. Even though America isn't exactly like this Homeworld you described, it's not that much different. What can I do for you?"
Peridot briefly explained her mission to Ronaldo, without mentioning who the missing toupee belonged to. Instead, she said that she was working for a Mr. Donald Duck.
"A toupee, eh?" Ronaldo said. The realization that he wasn't being investigated had made him calm down a little. "Well, I can definitely sympathize with Mr. Donald Duck. I mean, without your own hairstyle, who are you? Nobody! You see, my hair represents the Rastafarian values and beliefs, not to mention a stout defiance against..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know all that," interrupted Peridot. "Do you have any information or insight for me or not?"
"Hmm. This is a long shot, but maybe you should get an audience with rabbi Nussbaum of the Beach City Anshe Sholom synagogue. He understands how important special headwear can be, and he's got connections - eyes everywhere, I tell you! It's a good thing that he's with the good guys, like us. Seekers of truth and all that good jazz. Treat him with respect, and he will lend you his ear. I sometimes go to him when I need spiritual guidance, even if I'm not exactly a member of his congregation. Gotta keep myself off the records, you know? Just tell him that Samson sent you. That's one of my aliases. Cool, isn't it?"
"What does spiritual mean?" asked Peridot.
"Oh, that! Spiritual... Um, spirituality is like religion minus the oppression. It's like a belief that you are part of something greater - an entire dimension made from the light side of the Force, and you can use it to help others or find peace for yourself. And you don't need drugs for it - some people go to temples or shrines..."
"Shrines? As in, a shrine of an ascended being?" Peridot asked. She heard a voice - probably a meme - in her head: "Is loving Jesus legal yet?"
"Yes, but it's not necessary to actually worship such a being, especially if you're a corporeal but enlightened being like me," Ronaldo babbled.
"Awesome!" said Peridot and grabbed the data rod. "Thanks a lot. I gotta run now!"
"Hey, what are you doing?!" Ronaldo shouted and tried to take a step towards Peridot. However, for some strange reason, he tripped and fell on the floor with a heavy thud. "Oof..."
"This data rod is my property," said Peridot. "I'm sorry, but I think you've gained enough spiritual strength from its contents." She opened the shed door and turned around. "Just one more thing," she said. "Why are your pants lowered?"
"What? Oh! I was... I was trying to see if the government had implanted microchips under my skin! I swear! Please don't tell anybody!" Ronaldo pleaded.
Peridot nodded, making a shushing sign with her index finger and stepped outside.
-o-
Notes of the author: The poem that Ronaldo and Peridot (incorrectly) recited is called "Green Zone" and it was written by Jacques Prévert. Ronaldo chose it at random... and so did I. Well, I once read an excerpt of another anti-war poem made by the same poet. It had something to do with giving cannons to boys, and vice versa...
I feel like this and the next 3 chapters are part of a filler bomb with a tediously long fuse, meaning that the story goes on a sidetrack for the most part. You gotta stay true to the source material, right? Still, every chapter does have an intended purpose, at least.
Not really hot off the press, but good news anyway: h3h3 productions won the YouTube fair use lawsuit that was filed against them! Pretty cool, eh? Even though the American laws and court systems are all about money, sometimes the good guys and common sense win, and it's great.
Warning: Don't read further if you're tired of all the recent crap you can see all over the news.
I'm in a great hurry to finish this story before one of the following tragedies happens:
1. Nuclear war.
2. Civil war in America, round 2.
3. The D-man himself gets fired. I mean, in this story he's not even president yet!
4. The entire internet chokes on censorship and "political correctness" and dies of shame.
Coming up next: Totally harmless escapism (as IF!).