I was trying to punch away my feelings. It wasn't working. Wally…

Even a month later, the pain was still fresh. Artemis still Zeta'd over to my apartment whenever she needed someone which was often, not that I minded. I needed someone too.

My ties had been cut before the invasion, they were still frayed. I hadn't tried to fix them, not with anyone, because it didn't matter to me. If they wouldn't make the effort they weren't worth it. At least that was what I told myself.

But whenever Babs ignored me when we passed each other while walking around campus it hurt. Being unacknowledged, being alone hurt more than I'd like to admit. I wasn't sleeping without my pills and when I succumbed to exhaustion and took them all that awaited me were nightmares that made me more tired.

I'd never run on fumes like this before, using what seemed to be time borrowed from my imminent collapse. It was coming, I think the whole Batclan knew that, so all of them, excluding Dick, stayed away, waiting for me to do something that would send me back to the Manor and force to "come to my senses" and stay there for a while.

I punched the bag harder at the thought. I was not the scared child I once was. I could survive this on my own. Yes, Wally was gone but I would make it. I had to. I had to.

The bag was swaying back and forth now, its stability thrown off by my sudden punches. I could do this. I could do this. But another corner of my mind disagreed. You can't, it whispered. You're still the same scared little girl who knew something bad could happen but didn't say anything. Still the girl who's too slow to stop her parents from dying. Still the girl who no one likes.

Still the hero who can't even save herself.

I hit the bag with strength I didn't know I still had then hit it again, and again, and again, ignoring my stinging knuckles and the tears flowing down my face. Still weak. Still worthless. Still a Shadow. Still an idiot. Still a waste of space. Still a circus brat who can't achieve anything without help. Still not good enough to be liked by anyone. Still scared of what people will think of her.

The bag swayed back slightly as my knees gave out from under me, my lungs crying for air as I bit back the sobs threatening to escape from my throat. I scooted backwards until I sat in the corner of the small room and pulled my knees into my chest. I stayed there, tears rolling down my face, not able to get up, my mind still listing all the ways I had failed. The ways my brother was better.

Somewhere in the back of my raging min, I recognized the sound of the front door opening but didn't do anything. Only Dick and Artemis knew where I hid my key. They'd find me eventually like they always did. But the footsteps were too heavy to be either of theirs and I decided I didn't really care who it was at this point. If someone took me, someone took me. Who gave a damn?

Maybe it was time to end it.

"Emmeline." Bruce stated. I lifted my head and glared.

"What do you want?" I snarled, sniffling.

"Emma are you alright?" He asked.

"Get. Out." I stated. "Please, just leave." I whispered.

He looked conflicted as he looked at me, at the state I was in. I had probably lost about twenty pounds in a month and it was beginning to be obvious. I could only fall asleep without using pills when I was completely and utterly exhausted so I overworked myself, spending hours in the gym then working with the punching bag for at least an hour.

"Emma I only want to talk."

"The last time you wanted to talk ended with me leaving. Just go."

"We're worried about you."

"Really? Who gave you the idea to say that?" I snapped.

"Emma you've cut yourself off from everyone. Just please listen to me for five minutes."

"Get. Out. Of. My. Apartment." I stood. "I don't give a damn as to what you have to say."

Bruce again stared me down, not that I would budge. I didn't care what he had to say. I really didn't. But really you do a voice in my head whispered, but I pushed it away. Finally, he turned and walked away, although I didn't hear the front door make a sound. I kicked off my shoes and walked to the bathroom that was across the hall.

I really looked like a mess. My ponytail was messy, my usually tight clothes hung off my body like rags. There were bags under my eyes and tear streaks on my face. I starred at my reflection like it was an alien because in a way it was. The only other time I had looked so close to death was in the first month I had spent at the Manor, losing weight as my brother gained and barely sleeping at all.

It's funny how my life seemed destined to repeat itself. Blankly, I thought about who would be the next to leave me.

I splashed water on my face, trying to at least make the tear tracks disappear. It wasn't very effective but still made them seem a bit less apparent. Time to face the music. Bruce, as I expected, hadn't left and was looking over my collection of books I had on display in the living room.

"You wanted to talk? Talk." I stated, not caring how rude I sounded. I was over this. Then again what was I not over these days? I made an effort in classes, so I guess I wasn't over that, but really that was not reason enough to stay alive.

"I thought I'd give you a chance to explain yourself. If you chose not to you will be brought before the Justice League and it will be decided if you are to be considered a traitor or not." I glared at him. If he thought threatening me was the way to go, then he was wrong. "If it is decided you are a traitor you'll be given to the Green Lantern Corps." He was serious.

"I'm not a traitor. As I'm sure Dick and Kaldur have told you multiple times."

"You deliberately raided attacked Tim and I while on patrol."

"I had to prove a point, alright!" I snapped. "That was my final test. I passed. The next week I was assigned the position as the Shadow's security expert and placed on Kaldur's sub. We passed information to Dick."

"And why was Artemis involved?"

"Dick wanted someone else on the inside."

"Why you?" The question hit me like a blow. Why did it have to be me?

"Because it was my idea. Dick couldn't go in, he was the leader of the Team. I had been off active duty for a while, tensions between us were high. It was logical."

"And?" Bruce prompted. He knew the rest, how Talia had offered me a place among the Shadows multiple times.

"You fucking know why."

"Say it."

I sighed. It was hard to say the words but I had to spit them out. "Talia offered me a place."

"When?"

"Starting when I was ten. And almost every time we saw her since she always offered me a spot." I whispered. "I'm not a traitor. I'm not a traitor. Please don't tell them I'm a traitor." Fresh tears were rolling down my face.

Bruce, to my surprise, wrapped his arms around me. I sobbed into his shirt, not really caring about what I was doing. Maybe it was time to try to get back to the person I was before this whole invasion mess.

xXx

So this has been sitting on my computer for a while and I can't find any other way to finish this chapter so here ya go.

To those of you that followed/favorited in the time since I've updated I just want to say thank you and how did you find this story because it hasn't been updated in forever.

Next update will be who knows when. There might not even be another update, who knows, but thanks to everyone reading this. Y'all are awesome.