"A flashback is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has a sudden, usually vivid, recollection of a past experience. The term is used particularly when the memory is recalled involuntarily, and/or when it is so intense that the person "relives" the experience, unable to fully recognize it as memory and not something that is happening in "real time."
.
"A trauma trigger is an experience that triggers a traumatic memory in someone who has experienced trauma. A trigger is thus a troubling reminder of a traumatic event, although the trigger itself need not be frightening or traumatic, the person may feel overwhelmed."
-I know you,
who are you now?
Look into my eyes if you can't remember
Do you remember?
I can see, I can still find
You're the only voice my heart can recognize
I'll never be the same
I'm caught inside the memories
of promises of yesterdays
And I belong to you
I can't just walk away
'cause after loving you
I can never be the same-
'Never be the Same': Red
Three weeks, and nine hours since you were last eleven-but-really-sixteen.
Pain has to be felt, before the relief.
Darkness must come before the light.
The rain will fall down like tears, and the sun will dry it all away.
"Then you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.": John 8:32
It's the Spring Solstice, the time when everyone with a speck of dirt in their blood comes to gather and celebrate the Earth Kingdom traditions.
The Spring Solstice bringing back very vague and blurry flashes of a four, five, six year- old you surrounded by a sea of shimmering greens and yellows and Daddy's eyes. Outside, children's laughter and eagerness for their parents to let them stay up extra late to listen to stories about their childhood back home, whispers in souls and up through the pulsing ground like heartbeats. The streets are littered with ribbons that wave like grass in the wind from where you watch from the high windows of the arena, wishing you could be a part of it all. Bean curd puffs are sold on every corner; children's mouths sticky with pau buns, their laughter echoing for all to hear. Rocks bent into dazzling sculptures, Kyoshi warriors coming out to put on parades with twisting fans and glowing paint, marching down the blocks that could be seen for miles.
You ask Mako why you don't do down and celebrate, for something as significant as these festivities in honor of half your culture are sure to conjure up memories.
His face betrays a flash of sorrow. He weaves his fingers into his scarf, dipping his chin into the fabric, and mumbles something about it being too painful, that he'd never be allowed within a five mile radius with his amber eyes and crimson flames.
You're dumbfounded, exclaiming with burning wrists that you are just as much Fire Nation as he is, and with the same amount of 'dirt in the blood' as him, despite your contrasting looks and elements. It's for everyone who is Earth Kingdom, you stress, but Mako just grunts, and you know he's had to deal with this every single year. He must have had to explain this to you when you were younger, and it's that moment when you truly know that innocent is bliss.
He brings the scarf up to cover his mouth, and says that it's different for Firebenders who are also Earth Kingdom. People see them differently.
Different. You're beginning to realize that 'different' means nearly the same as 'harder' and 'not fair'.
You give a huff, and frustrated pout, exclaiming the unfairness of it all.
His tender eyes shine at you, and, not everyone has a heart as good as you, Bo.
You sigh, wearily, clenching you scared wrists. Yeah, well, maybe watching all those Earthbenders down there will make me remember how to bend, Mako!
He seems to consider for a moment, mentally working the pros and cons of letting you leave the apartment after nearly five days of under wrist-house arrest and his relentless hovering eyes.
You've only cut once since he found out. Yesterday morning, when he went out for work. You were feeling horrible, and took a kitchen knife, making two more cuts on each wrist in the bathroom because you deserved it for being such a burden and remember remember remember. If Mako noticed the fresh marks, he didn't make it known. The relief from drawing blood is only short-lived, however, and makes you feel worse afterward. Mako noticed your behavior, though, and it makes the cycle go on repeat.
"I think-"
A scream rings out from down the street, just as a shatter of glass is heard.
You both dash to the window to see an unmistakable coating of ice work its way around a shop, with a moca skinned gangster smirking at his frosty bending, sending people fleeing.
"No..." Mako breathes, "Don't tell me it's them..."
You blink up at him, fear twisting your stomach.
It's the Spring Solstice. A day not to be missed.
Especially by the Traids.
Mako gets a call not even two minutes later about chaos involving Red Monsoons and Agni Kai intervening on the day's festivities a bit away, down on the corner of Bagermole Ave. and Flying Boar St.
You start to fallow him into the bedroom where he hastily puts on his uniform. You insist that you are coming with him.
Mako immediately shakes his head, protests flying out of his mouth that it's too chaotic down there;Too many people, who know's what could happen. You're only sixteen, Bolin. There is no way I'm letting you go down there into that insanity.
You clench your fists. "I'm not letting you go alone. I can help. Besides, I'll be seventeen in two months, won't I?"
At that last statement, he turns his eyes up to you, a shared, silent look passing between you both.
"I'm sorry, Bo. But no. It's too dangerous." He grabs his helmet from the table, "Civilians aren't allowed to intervene; vigilantism is illegal, And,"he turns to face you now,"I already nearly lost you once this month; I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you."
He's down the opening in the floor after that, running full speed across the gym to where his motorcycle in parked just outside. He turns around in anger when he sees you're right behind him.
"Bolin. Would it kill you to listen to me for once? I said it's too dangerous. Now go back inside, now."
You reach into your pocket, and smugly dangle his keys from your fingers.
"You might need this." You say.
He sputters slightly, "What-? How did you...? I keep those in my bedside table drawer!"
"They were by the bathroom sink."
He grumbles, snatching them from your hand, just as you get on the back of the bike with a content chuckle, and, How did you get so stubborn?
I've learnt from the best.
"I'm not slowing down for you." he states.
"Just drive, officer. Justice is getting cold."
He mutters a curse. "You're staying away. Far away, in Saikhan's car, understand? Do not get out of it."
You plop his helmet on his head, "No idea who he is, but duly noted, sir."
You both get down to the scene to see a mob a green eyes fleeing in all directions. Some rocks from civilians are being bent and used in defense, but the officers send the people back with barks of orders to please stay back, please evacuate the scene, and before one patch of street can be seen through the packed, panicking crowd, a stand erupts in flames.
Then another.
And another.
"Get down!" Mako yanks you to the ground, your stomach flat against the trembling pavement, his arms shielding you from the glass and flames.
"Mako-!"
"-Hush, Bo! Don't move!" he yells in your ear. He grunts and you think he's hurt, but something is stinging across the back of your leg, a cold sweat forming on your body, and maybe this wasn't such a good idea?
'Whatever made you think that?' he sneers, 'The 'too dangerous' part, or the fact that bombs are practically going off? You can't even bend! You're gonna get Mako killed."
"Leave me alone!"
"Bo...?" Mako starts, his hands shielding your head from the debree. His eyes dart to you in concern.
"I-"
Another burst of flames, and a shatter.
Someone screams. Mako grips you tighter. "Darn it! Why did I let you come?!"
You wish you weren't useless.
A whole row of lighter fluid gone ablaze from a trio of Agni Kias. One saying, Hey, my Gran Gran was a mud-slinger. Seems rude that I ain't invited, huh, fellas? He turns to the other two, who show razer-sharp smiles and lightning-fueled eyes.
Let's get this celebration started!
Firery eruptions send people to the ground, and shatter the street like Earthquakes as they go off. More screams from helpless people, yells for Mommy! Daddy!, and the ground shakes once more with the boom of the gas tanks exploding.
The police move in, only to be bombarded by an onslaught of razer-tipped icicles flying through the air.
The ground gets coated in a think sheet of black ice, and metelbenders go sliding, unable to see where the street starts and the ice ends.
Mako orders you to go hide in the alley ways, and do not come out, you hear me? and sprints to the scene, sending a flurry of flames at the ice in effort to melt it off the road, and melt the icicles that rain down.
Why don't you PoPos leave this to use, huh? These Fire Crackers are on our Turf. A moca colored, snowy-eyed gangster drawls, indicating the Agni Kais, with his water whip at the ready.
You hide behind the bend of a building, watching, just enough to see, but not be seen.
"Why put these innocent people in danger?" Mako demands, "Today was a holiday, and these Earth Kingdom civilians were just trying to enjoy their day!"
The waterbender laughs, flashing a gummy grin, "See Bat Brows, we got nothing on them mud-slingers. It's just that when war is declared, we gotta defend our turf. It's just how we work."
"Yeah, well, you can either leave now," Mako heats his hands, "or claim a new turf behind bars!"
The humidity starts to drop from all the water freezing in the air, and you shiver.
The gangster says nothing, but motions by dipping his head down, and seems to nod something.
You watch with trembling hands as another waterbender, hiding by the shadows of a remnants of a food stand, freezes a sparkling amount of water, hard as the rocks that were just shaking. An evil smile twist his lips, and a wave of his hand morphs the ice into a dozen three- feet long points
Second later, you hear a swarm of something whizzing right behind you, heading towered Mako's back.
No.
Mako is still barking demands, in turn to the gangster's threats, totally unaware, and-
No.
'Yes.'
"Mako, look out!"
The scream erupts from your throat like an earthquake. The fear and love fueling the stances subconsciously as your legs and arms move simultaneously.
Stance
Twelve.
Starving, so hungry. Cold. Need money.
"What do you say about doing some muscle tonight, huh, Bolin? C'mon, you're old enough, no one gonna find out. Meet me by the pier at ten."
arms out
Thirteen
Running from police and you both getting slammed in cells, 'Rotten kids are going nowhere but in prison. Orphanages too filled up."
You're reaching your hands through the bars of the back of a truck filled with kids as the gangsters try to take you away, and Mako is screaming your name, and running, running, running, to catch up, but he trips, and the truck speeds up, and you're alone for three days in a world of horror and blood and woman's soft, hungry touches, and men's pale, drunken breath. You forget what love is for three days.
spread legs
Fourteen
Yuans passed, and high laughter accompanied with cactus-juice and beer in dark corners of the Head Quarters; girls in short robes gaining kisses and rough touches from men with beady, blood- shot eyes, putrid breath, and gropey hands, tangling legs underneath tables until morning. Mako's hands shielding your eyes, with whispers not to look, to 'go in the other room, I'll be back in a sec.'
"Promise?'
'I promise.'
Hunger
Pain
loneliness
Blood sweat tears
Until one day:
"Mako! Do you who that is? It's Toza! Earthbending Captain of the Borquipines! He's my hero!"
"I just thought you should know, you don't have to throw the fight."
"Please? We can't just leave him for snake food!"
"I named him 'Pabu'!"
"You're right Shady. I do have to look out for my brother, and I think this is what's best for him."
"I'm so glad we're not criminals anymore!"
"What can I say? I had a good feeling!"
stomp-
Fifteen.
Living in a home with beds and food and safety and train, train, train, and
"The Fire Ferrets."
"What?'
"Why don't we call our team 'The Fire Ferrets'?"
Blaring lights, cheering crowd, thrill of success; "Ladies and gentleman, let's all welcome the brand new team with a pair of Fire and Earth brothers who got this far all on their own; the FIRE FERRETS!"
Sixteen.
"There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you! Don't worry,Toza, she's with me."
.
.
Flash; 'Stamp, and a crack and a, 'Look, Mako! Look, look, look! I'm an Earthbender! I can bend, too! I'm like Poppa! I'm like Poppa!'
"Ahhhhhhhhh!"
Stars dance in your vision, the world going blurry, but you stand strong and try not to pass out, no, no, no you can't because Mako needs you and-.
"Bolin!"
The swarm of icicles make contact with the earth wall- yes, the earth wall that you created-your trembling arms still out stretched-and shatter apart into pieces.
The wall is not even half a foot away from Mako, but it's solid enough, and has to be about six feet tall- and how?
"M-mako..." you gape, spots dotting your vision,"D-did I just...?"
Mako stares at you incredulously, eyes wide, and mouth slowly morphing into a huge smile.
"Yeah, Bo." He exclaims, "You did. You saved me."
The gangster calls you a horrible word that starts with a 'B' that you are the son of, and exclaims, "That little runt's an Earthbender!?"
Then another, "Hey, Zolt? Ain't they two of the kids who used ta work f'ya?"
A beefy, Fire Nation looking man steps out of the shadows, "Yeah, they are. Rotten kids. If it wasn't for me, you'd have both frozen to death years ago."
Mako just sends a flame at the three of them and they dodge.
"I'd say we turned out pretty great in the end." he remarks, "What's the matter, Zolt? Can't get anymore kids to hire without your bending?"
"Why you little weasel-snake! I made you what you are, boy!" the man yells, fire in his eyes, just as two metelbending cops twist their wires around the three of them, "I taught you everything you know!"
"Actually," Mako says as the officers get them tied up, and others go to assist the wounded, "You're wrong. You never taught me how to love, to protect, to be a big brother. That was all my parents and Bo."
"Well, from the looks of the kid's wrists, you didn't do a very good job of it," his words are icy, and he smiles a lopsided grin.
Pain throbs your stomach. Well, shit.
Mako gives you a heartbreaking look, and you stuff your hands in your armpits.
"Don't listen to him, Mako." you say, the dizziness finally fading,"He's wrong. You're the best big brother ever."
"Thank's, Bo. You, too."
After a blur of the officers rounding up gangsters, and the wounded being treated and healed and sent to the hospital, after the scene being taped off and investigated and you waiting for Mako to be done and go home, he tells you how proud he is of you finally remembering how to bend.
You give a shaky smile. You lead him away from everyone and bring him to a quiet spot.
You take a deep breath.
"I think I remember everything."
To be continued... :)