I had run blindly to the other end of the mall. My thoughts were echoing in my head. It was almost like they were yelling at me. Every self-berating thing I've ever thought about myself was screaming louder and louder, pushing me back into the darkest recesses of my mind. The horrible thoughts just kept coming. Tears were stinging my eyes. The more I ran, the worse I felt.

When I exited the mall, I ran until I came to a small park. Still, my thoughts were following me, grabbing at me with black talons. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt like I was choking . . .

No. No, no, no.

Just the analogy of being choked, combined with my self-deprecating thinking, was taking me back to that lab with the silver flowers. Every muscle in my chest tightened, and my knees weakened. Slowly, I sank to the ground, hugging my chest, struggling to breathe. I huddled under a tree, my back pressed against a small brick structure hold a variety of flowers and bushes. My heart was pounding, and every bad memory involving the silver flowers played out in my head, seemingly in front of me. I could hear Delhoun smashing the glass of the lab doors to get me out. I could see Hudson trying to grab me after I found him partially conscious in that abandoned building. Added on was seeing Hicks lying in his bed on base, looking pale and feverish after breathing in the fumes of a decaying flower. I could still hear the bubbling mucus and his raspy breathing. I grabbed my head, resisting the urge to scream. I wanted to end it all.

I didn't notice a young man approaching me. His cheeks were rosy red, and a messy black backpack was slung over his shoulder. With a concerned look on his face, he knelt by me, and said, "Are you OK?"

Without thinking, I shook my head.

"Is it your heart?"

"N-No." More tears rolled down my face. I felt like I was becoming more and more vulnerable.

He looked me up and down. "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"I . . . I've done something wrong." Everything came spilling out. I told him about how I felt like a failure and I couldn't do anything right. I told him about how I was completely useless. You know the details by now, and you also know that since I'm sitting here, writing this, that I eventually snapped out of it, but not before having a brush with one of my darkest thoughts. "I just want this cycle to stop."

The young man thought for a moment. He then looked around, making sure there was no one watching. "I can help you with that."

My hands were still shaking as I took them away from my chest. "H-How?"

He opened his backpack, and pulled out a handgun. "With this. Takes only one shot. No more worrying about your problems." Seeing my hesitation, he frowned. "What? You wanna keep falling into a panicky mess? Haven't you tried everything to make yourself look and feel better?"

"I . . . don't know."

"There's no point in wasting time and money on something that doesn't work. Putting one bullet into your brain works. Remove yourself from the world. Prevent yourself from further embarrassing everyone around you."

The grip of the talons of panic suddenly went slack. The muscles in my chest relaxed. My thoughts retreated, flying screaming into the back of my mind, like the ghosts you see fleeing the windows of a haunted house in a Halloween diorama. A single, powerful thought floated around, saying, Don't do this. There are people who love you. Killing yourself isn't going to fix the problems between you and Hudson. It won't settle the differences you have with Hicks. You do have value among your squad; don't take that away. What about Vasquez? After your talk yesterday, don't you think that's a good reason to live?

I thought about the dream I had last night where Hicks was driving me to my wedding. I want to experience that. More than anything, I want to be able to go on into the civilian world to start my life over. I want to be happy with myself. I want to redeem myself, not cower in fear over the mountain of mistakes I've made. I want to marry the woman I love, and I can't do that if I give in my fear and self-loathing.

I handed the gun back to the strange young man. "No. I'm not hurting myself." As my panic continued to fade and my common sense regained control, something seemed familiar about the young man, and it lay in his cheeks. I distinctly remember Jenzi was lightly tanned, but his cheeks were redder than the rest of his face.

A different kind of panic began to surface as Jenzi turned the gun on me, putting the muzzle to my forehead. "You're with Hicks, aren't you, Drake?" he hissed. "Don't try to lie to me! I know you, Hudson, and Vasquez are with Hicks!"

"We can settle this like adults, can't we?" I said. "Hicks was only trying to help you-"

"Hicks is a liar, and a selfish, thieving bastard! Couldn't get me a transfer, bullshit! Somehow, the son-of-a-bitch got himself a fucking transfer! He-"

As Jenzi was distracted with his rant, I took the opportunity to grab his arm and point the gun in the air. "Alright, buster, we're either going to deal with this maturely, or I'm gonna rip you a new asshole. You put that fucking flower in Hicks's bag, right? You realize killing him isn't gonna solve any of your Goddamn problems, right? You're already in enough trouble by attempting to kill him; let's not make it worse. Trust me, kid, you don't want to go to prison."

"I'd rather go prison knowing Hicks got what he deserved!"

"Really? You think that after you threatened him when he tried to help you, he deserves death, of all things? How would you feel if you were in his position?"

"Why should that matter?" When I didn't give him an answer, Jenzi tried to point the gun back at me. "You can't even seem to defend him."

"Well, I certainly have no reason to defend you, asshole," I replied, "considering you tried to get me to shoot myself, and you tried murdering my friend. I've got enough shit going on in my life, and your shenanigans are putting a damper on me trying to move on."

"Boo-fucking-hoo." Jenzi backhanded me sharply across the face. "No wonder you and Hudson had to be replaced! Is that all you do? Whine about your personal problems? Why the fuck are you a Marine if you can't handle yourself? Your emotions are not important, Drake! No one fucking cares!" He slapped me again. "They're just a fucking hindrance!"

I was beginning to think that Jenzi simply didn't have the balls to straight-up kill someone, or at least, he didn't want to be around to actually witness the death; that's probably why he chose a slow method like the flower for Hicks. A normal person would've shot me by now.

Since it appeared Jenzi couldn't or wouldn't actually kill me, I punched him in the jaw. As he reeled and spit blood on the ground, I gave him a hard kick to the stomach. He didn't get back up; instead, he was on his knees, grunting. It was really tempting to just take the gun and deal with Jenzi myself, but General Russell had stated that the USCM wanted Jenzi alive for questioning. Somehow, I needed to restrain him before contacting Russell.

Well . . . I guess the gun wasn't completely useless. Taking the gun from Jenzi, I aimed it at his lower back. "Alright, here's the deal: you've got no chance of winning or escaping here. You move, and I'll paralyze you from the waist down. Now, you're gonna get up, and I'm gonna lead you to USCM headquarters, got it?"

Jenzi glared at me. "You're a cocksucking, good-for-nothing coward. I bet you hit your woman right after you fuck her. In fact, I bet you like being under Hicks, and not in the sense of rank."

"What're you trying to do? Piss me off? It's not working. Get the fuck up before I blow out the bottom half of your spine." I grabbed Jenzi by the back of his shirt collar. I knew I needed to get ahold of Russell quickly, because God only knows if I could restrain Jenzi for a long period of time.

Glancing at me, Jenzi said softly, "Drake . . . maybe we can . . . we can talk this out, huh? Put the gun down and we can talk this through rationally?"

"Why the sudden change of heart?" I asked.

"I dunno. Something hit me. Please, I have something that could help Hicks. I was gonna use it on myself if something went wrong. It's in my bag. Just let me get it out. I'll give it to you, I promise."

I lowered the gun, but kept it pointed at Jenzi's right thigh. An antidote to the silver flower-especially a quick one-sounded too good to be true, but, hey, if Jenzi somehow snuck a dead flower in Hicks's bag, maybe he had a real antidote, too. "If you're lying to me, I'll hurt you, do you understand? No funny tricks."

Jenzi nodded, and slid his backpack from his shoulders. He turned around, and opened the bag, taking out a small, cylindrical glass case.

In that case was a silver flower, suspended in stasis.

There was a sudden flash of memories. The panic that had gone to rest earlier emerged in full-force, grabbing me tightly. "G-Get it away from me!" I howled after dropping the gun. Nervously, I backed away, struggling to discern between real life and flashbacks. I heard Delhoun yelling for me to hang on as he tried to bust me out of the lab. I could hear Hudson choking as I carried him out of that abandoned building. My hands seemed to heat up as the recent memory of carrying a feverish Hicks to sick bay sprang up. The glints of sunlight against the windows of the Marriott reminded me of the glittering in his gray-green eyes as his temperature gradually increased.

I was sobbing like a child. I was cowering as Jenzi walked closer, holding the flower in its little stasis tube.

"You see now how your emotions hold you back, Drake? You're too scared to do anything, now, just like Hicks was too scared to just put up with the shit his former unit threw at him! I'm not surprised he went on to join a unit full of cowards and losers." Jenzi bent down to pick up the gun, and set the stasis tube on the ground in front of me. He continued glowering as I squirmed, trying move away. Shoving the gun in his bag, Jenzi took off running, and I remained where I was, too scared to move.

I think it's safe to say the majority of my actions that day were shameful. I tried to beat up Hudson, I was almost talked into killing myself, and I suffered a panic attack because Jenzi had a silver flower in a stasis tube.

A woman walking down the path had overheard the yelling and decided to call police, so an officer arrived and had to sent for a hazmat team to deal with the flower. As for me, an ambulance was called because my blood pressure was elevated. At least the medics didn't overreact; they checked my vitals, and talked to me until I calmed down. I was still shaky, but they let me go with no issue.

So, because of my fear of the silver flower, Jenzi got away. Like a bad twist in a thriller novel.

I felt mentally and physically drained when I went back into the mall. I know Jenzi should be the more important thing to worry about here, but I was beginning to worry about Hudson and Vasquez. I went back to the spot where Hudson and I fought, and saw Hudson wasn't there. At least he had the common courtesy to clean up his garbage. I went up into the hotel to see if he was in our room, and found he was sitting on one of the beds, watching TV and eating his Oreos. He glanced at me, but didn't say anything. I took that as a nonverbal way of saying, "I don't want to talk to you right now."

Because of that, I decided to talk to Vasquez. She had to know. There was no excuse for me to not tell her that I told Hudson about our relationship. I waited patiently after knocking on the door, but I got no answer. Steadily, I became concerned, and began heading toward Delhoun's room, wondering if he had any idea where she was.

Before I could knock on the door, I heard someone sobbing, and it took me a second to realize it was Vasquez. I then heard Delhoun say, "You really don't trust Hudson, do you?"

"No!" Vasquez shouted. "I even told Drake last night that I don't want him telling Hudson! I don't know where he got that idea from. Something about how he's not giving the same trust to Hudson that he's getting from Hudson."

"Have you ever tried to look at this from Drake's point of view? Clearly, he's made a bond with Hudson and doesn't think keeping secrets is a good way to strengthen that bond."

"Who cares? He promised he'd never . . . tell anyone." Vasquez's voice trailed off.

"You forgot he told me?"

There was silence from Vasquez, and she continued to cry. "I guess I accepted it because you're not part of our unit. You don't make vulgar jokes about me and Drake and you don't poke fun at us. You're not . . . around us all the time. Hudson . . . Hudson's different. I've never felt like I could trust him with anything personal. Professional, military stuff? Yes, but . . . nothing personal. He'd never keep it to himself."

"Lucky for you, I've had the chance to see Hudson and Drake's relationship develop, during the week you were gone. You'd be surprised at how much Drake trusted Hudson with, and judging by how they've acted toward each other in the first few days we've been here, I'm theorizing he hasn't blabbed to any of your comrades."

"Delhoun, I really appreciate you trying to help, but . . . that doesn't mean anything to me."

"It should. Why? Drake is your boyfriend. This isn't about whether or not you can trust Hudson. This is about whether or not you trust the man you love, being Drake. I don't think Drake would tell anyone about you and him unless he felt like he could trust them. Don't you think you should trust him?" There was more silence, and Vasquez must've nodded, because Delhoun continued with, "Exactly. What's done is done, darling. You can't make Drake take back what he said, and you can't wipe Hudson's memory. You'll just have to accept it. Who knows? Maybe this'll change your bond with Hudson for the better."

"I hope so. Thanks for letting me talk, Delhoun. Quick question, when would be a good time for the three of us to see Hicks?"

"After lunch, I suppose. Hornby said he's going to try to slowly introduce solid food back to Hicks today. Not sure how that'll go, considering he's testing small samples of the medication on him as well. I'll be down at the Metro around twelve-thirty. Meet me there, and tell Drake and Hudson."

"Alright. Again, thank you." Vasquez opened the door, and jumped when she saw me. Angry that she had jumped, she forced herself to appear as though nothing had happened, and looked down at the floor before looking up at me. "Hi."

"Hi," I said.

"Let me guess . . . you were listening to my conversation with Delhoun."

I nodded.

"Yeah. I overheard you talking to Hudson this morning." Vasquez returned her gaze to the floor. "You really trust him?"

"I learned to trust him over the last month or so. It wasn't smooth sailing, that's for sure, but we got there." I put my arm around her. "I'm sorry. I should've thought this through, and talked to you before saying anything to Hudson."

"Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. Can you promise not to say anything to anyone else? I know you're trying to get cozy with Hicks, but you are not going to say anything."

"I promise."

"You better keep that, too."

"I will. Relax, OK?" I kissed Vasquez's forehead. "I think this means we should talk this out with Hudson, just so we're all on the same page."

Question of the Chapter: How would the encounter with Jenzi go differently if Hudson was present?