Title: Altered States
Chapter 11 - A Turning Point?
A/N: Okay so I'm sure you are all as devastated as I am about Melina's departure from NY for next season. The worst part is they have confirmed we have already seen her last eppy. TRULY SUCKS AND WE ALL HATE CBS! Lol okay rant over. I am going to finish this story in a few more chappies b/c the muse is just barely hanging on and my SMACKED heart is crushed. So if I have let some of you down well blame CBS for a dead muse. I will try to finish the other stories but ABC's is on hold indefinitely at this point. Sorry guys but unless Melina comes back and we our SMACKED back, its a tough struggle right now and season 7 is dead to me (no more eppy one shots!). ~AiP
Mac gets into the quiet hallway and stops; his mind yelling at him to leave but his heart winning the battle by telling him he cannot go further; that he belongs with his wife, at least owing her an explanation. He nears the elevator and stops; unable to push the button to call the elevator to come and take him away. Then he hears as Stella calls his name.
He turns to her with an anguished expression full of remorse and pain and holds up his hands in mere defeat. He watches her walk up to him, gently push her fingers into his and allows her hands to catch his at his sides. Then without another word she wraps her arms gently around his chest and places her head on his shoulder.
"Stella I'm sorry."
"Why?" She asks without looking up; her mind delighting in the soft strokes down her back that his fingers were offering, the first real display of tender affection since his return.
"I just didn't want to disappoint you."
"Are you disappointed in me on the nights I am unable or not really in the mood for sex and you are?"
"No."
"Then why expect less of me, if you aren't in the mood?"
"I was...well my body was...it's just that..." his voice rattles off as she looks up with a soft smile.
"He can't hurt you anymore Mac. He's in jail now and won't get out for a long time."
"I know I just..."
"Tell me Mac, what else did he do to you? Or were you really just not in the mood?"
"I wanted to be," Mac replies with a weary tone. "Gosh Stella I missed you so much and...and it just seems I can't get him out of my head and it's not fair to either of us. Maybe we just need some time apart."
"You do that and he wins," Stella reminds him as she locks onto his warm sapphire gaze and holds it. "He wants you running away from love or whatever else he told you. He's ugly and twisted and full of hatred and lies Mac. You are a kind and caring and wonderful man who I love more than life itself. But you are my life Mac. So if you want to run away then I am going to also. Do you want that?"
"I don't run away."
"I know you don't. You never have. You are not a quitter Mac. Even when your life was at its darkest and you were either half dead in a foreign country or watching the world to go hell before your very eyes you never ran."
"I just don't want to cause you any further burden."
"And you leaving me and going god knows where is going to make it easier for me? Think I'd worry less? Would you?"
Mac ponders her words before he finally shakes his head no; knowing inside that his absence would make things even worse between them. And despite the misery he's still feeling inside he knows that Stella is right, he's never run away but with her love and help always come out stronger than before. Mac finally offers her a nod before they turn and head back into their apartment.
"If I never have to talk work around you to keep you happy Mac then I will do that," Stella mentions as they slowly wander toward the bedroom.
"It shouldn't have to be that way Stella. I didn't mean to freak. I just...I guess I just needed some air and...oh damn its all excuses. I can't get his damn voice OUT OF MY HEAD!" Mac finishes in an angry shout as he steps back from Stella.
"Why? What did he say?"
"He said things no man...no normal man should...should ever have to hear," Mac admits with a heavy sigh as he looks away. "I just want to forget it all and...and I just wish it would all go away."
"But you know it's not that easy right Mac?" Stella asks as he slowly eases herself down on the end of the bed and is happy when Mac follows suit.
"I keep telling myself that it's over and it doesn't matter anymore."
"But it does Mac, to me and to those that care about you. This angry, withdrawn man who wants to drink and isn't interested in sharing an intimate moment with his wife isn't you."
"I want to believe that but...but something inside and I guess...Wicks is in jail and he'll be there for a long time. It's over Stella. In a few days everything will be okay."
"But do you really believe that Mac?"
"Not right now," Mac feels his shoulders starting to sag.
"It'll come. You know talking about it helps. I don't mind the happy banter like we had at dinner about things in the past but in order for you to really heal from all this you also need to talk about what happened in the days leading up to your um..."
"Attack?"
"Attack," she whispers as her head drops and her eyes rest on their clasped fists.
"Can't talk about that."
"How about to a doctor?"
"I don't think Ben..."
"How about a physiatrist?"
"Stella, I am not going to a head shrink," Mac insists.
"It would be private and totally confidential."
"And it would be one more person that I would have to..."
"Talk to? Mac you aren't even telling me everything," Stella pleads. "For me?"
"Stella, I am not going to a physiatrist."
"Okay then lets get some rest," Stella resigns. And she knows that while he might not take it very seriously tonight, he will consider her suggestion; Mac highly valuing his privacy and knowing that a professional who isn't related in any way might be the very person to unlock the terrors inside his head. However, she also knows that it will take something major; something more than a mere sexual advance on her part, something that will shake him to the very fabric of his being and force him to see that very future existence is at stake.
Mac climbs into bed beside his wife and feels his body offer a heavy sigh and his frame naturally sag into place beside hers. His first inkling was to laugh at her suggestion of talking to a professional physiatrist but he found himself as she turned off the light, actually wondering if he'd be better off talking about his ordeal to a strange man; a man who wouldn't judge or look at him in a strange way; a man who would simply label him a case file instead of labeling him Detective Taylor, ruined psyche.
"Goodnight Mac," Stella whispers as she kisses his cheek and then wraps her arms around his tense frame.
"Goodnight Stella," Mac whispers softly as he tells himself to focus on the happy thought of their wedding to keep Maurice Wicks at bay. Sadly even in the dark and with Stella's soft snoring beside him, his mind replays over and over again the call from Maurice Wicks and then the frustrating discussion with the guard who was supposed to be limiting Wicks incarceration privileges. For most of the night Mac lays on his back, the right side of his body warmed by Stella's frame and the left side cold. Telling himself that if he doesn't fall asleep, Wicks can't haunt his dreams and he'll at least allow his body to rest. Finally, unable to keep his eyes open any longer, his brain weary from battling Wicks in a duo to the death, he allows his subconscious to succumb to the dark realm of sleep; thankful that in a few hours he will awaken with some refreshment.
Stella awakens before Mac and slowly opens her eyes to look at her sleeping husband. His face, although flushed, is not as angry and tense as the night before, his brow only slightly damp. She studies the cut above his eye and the bruise on his cheek, and even though the swelling has subsided around each; both are dark and angry looking and a visible reminder to her that he sustained one hell of a fight. But as his face tenses and his perfect lips part and offer a whispered curse, she knows that what is hurting the most on her beloved husband is whatever mental battles his mind and heart are waging.
She watches him slowly open his eyes and offer her a small lazy smile.
"Morning," he offers in a soft tone.
"Morning," she replies as she gently touches his warm forehead. "Not as bad as the night before."
"I guess Ron will be there today."
"And you spent all night worrying about what you would tell him?" Stella inquires.
"Sort of," Mac replies with a slight yawn as he rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. "I feel I deceived him in a way."
"Mac that man was more than grateful for the help you extended. If the guards hadn't found in time, he'd be dead."
"Just like Bart," Mac ponders as his brow deeply furrows. "Do we know when Wicks hearing is?"
"No," Stella tells him in truth. "I know you want to face him but..."
"You can't tell me not to Stella."
"Was going to say but when I find out we'll both face him together."
Mac looks and her and offers a look of remorse.
"Crucify yourself later about jumping to rash conclusions," she smiles. "Let's get some breakfast and get this day started."
"I um...I'll shower first if you..." he starts only to have her lean in closer and plant a warm kiss on his waiting lips. As Stella's body presses a bit further into his, Mac feels his desire for her starting to harden and a few seconds later a soft moan of delight escapes his lips. Her fingers start to tease the soft skin around his belly button, wanting to move lower.
"Missed you Mac," she whispers as her fingers continue to move lower; once again wanting to see if it's her touch that has turned him off wanting to get a sexual arousal or something else is keeping him from enjoying the things from the past.
'You have a lot to offer...nice and hard...'
Mac feels Stella's fingers finally coming to rest on his groin; his member wanting to harden as her touch lingers.
'Feels good...' Wicks voice states again; pushing aside any pure and descent thoughts and replacing them with ugly actions and twisted reasoning's.
Stella slightly loses her grasp and her elbow comes down on Mac's tender ribs, forcing his lips to utter a small grunt of pain.
"Stella..."
"Sorry. I'll start the coffee Mac."
"Right," he frowns as his hand gently snakes behind her head and keeps her face inches from his. "I do love you Stella."
"I've never stopped believing that Mac," she assures him as she allows him to taste her lips once more and then regrettably pushes herself out of bed and heads for the kitchen, her heart racing with muted happiness. It was a start; whether he would realize it or not, even the smallest effort of romantic initiation on his part told her that he was on the slow path to recovery; it might take longer than she might like, but there was hope at the end of that road.
Mac slowly pushes himself out of bed, cursing first of all his bandaged ribs that immediately dispelled any romantic urges that were growing but also the fact that he feels inadequate in making any kind of intimate gesture. She didn't seem disappointed, his mind ponders as he makes the bed and then heads into the kitchen to help Stella. He flips on the morning news, allowing the mindless background chatter to help distract him from dwelling too much on facing Ron Knight and if Maurice Wicks would have the nerve to call him again.
But as he settled into their light breakfast, Stella talking about the weather, his mind now wonders what he would tell Jimmy. Surely he'll want to knowhe has the right to know. It was at Jimmy's prodding that he even gave a second thought to his tormented assignment in the first place. But in truth, Jimmy only needed to know that the man accused of raping and murdering his brother had been arrested; the undercover op was successful but that was it. He didn't need any further details.
"Mac? What is it?"
"Would like to go out for dinner tonight."
"I don't mind..."
"Just the two of us...as we did before."
Stella looks at his facial expression and knows it has nothing to do with her cooking or even a money issue; he needed to prove to himself that he could still function as he did before. And if this was another small step, regardless of the outcome after the dinner, she would embrace it with him one hundred percent.
"Would really like that," she answers in truth and his face warms. Thankfully for Mac the rest of the conversation on the way to the lab was spent talking about where they would go for dinner, finally deciding on a small Greek restaurant they both loved and liked to frequent.
As soon as Mac steps off the elevator, however, he feels his anxiety rising; his brain wondering who would be talking about him and in what capacity. Sheldon approaches and he feels his stomach tighten; Flack following.
"Mac we may have found our killer," Sheldon states as he hands Mac a results readout.
"Mac, can Stella handle that, you have a special visitor."
"Sure, Sheldon let's compare those results," Stella mentions as she gives Mac a small pat on the back and then heads down the hall with Sheldon.
"You okay?"
"Fine," Mac replies with a tight lipped smile. "Who's here?"
"Ron Knight. He at first turned down Witsec but says it'll keep his family safe until the trial and then he'll decide if he wants the full meal deal or not."
"Military types aren't used to hiding Don."
"Yeah I know that Mac," Flack replies with a soft smirk.
"Anything from Wicks?"
"That guard was replaced and we dont know how he allowed Wicks to call you. What did he say anyways?"
"Just a bunch of lies Don, it was no big deal."
"Mac..."
"Don I said I am fine," Mac repeats, his voice rising and a hint of anger coming to the fore.
"Right sure...okay so you want to talk to Ron?"
"I do," Mac answers with a small hint of nervousness in his voice. When he had first met Ron Knight he really didn't know how big an impact that Ron would have made on his life; forever changing certain views and idealistic opinions. He nears his office and feels his apprehension starting to grow. Get a grip, Mac commands himself as he enters his office and Ron stands to greet him.
"Detective Taylor?" Ron greets with some hesitation.
"Morning Ron. Sorry for the um...deception," Mac replies as he shakes his head and then gestures for him to sit back down.
"See they worked ya over pretty good young man," Ron huffs as he eases himself back down into the leather chair, his eyes studying the bluish marks on Mac's face.
"It was an unfair fight," Mac notes with disdain.
"At least they gotcha out before ya ended up like the other fella."
"Thanks in part to you," Mac states softly with a heavy frown.
"Did they um...well did you have to experience what them other fella's did?" Ron asks directly. Mac looks at him but knows that Ron would lack the certain etiquette that comes from being in jail so long; questions like that from one man to another not usually asked in such a public setting. But Mac also knows that Ron knows what happened to the others and had warned him right from day one what kind of man Maurice Wicks really was.
"There wasn't time," Mac nods in confirmation.
"Good to hear it. Met your wife yesterday. Good lookin' woman."
"She is," Mac replies, his lips unable to stop from curling into a small smile.
"Well hold onto her. She'll get you through all this."
"What makes you think I need help?" Mac asks firmly.
"Meant no offense," Ron puts his hand up. "Just when I met you...well you were different than now and...yeah she'll help you. A good woman always does."
"Have you seen your wife?"
"She was with me and them other Detective's last night when we signed all those papers. Really can't thank you enough for the help in getting my life back."
"Ron, it's me who owes you the thanks. You saved me in the library and...you know when I got back to my cell after the second time in the library and you were gone I um...well I thought for sure you were dead."
"Pretty close," Ron huffs as he leans back in his chair. "That damn box they put me into had no air."
"Bart O'Neil is dead."
"Sorry to hear it. So what happens now?"
"Now you'll sign your final release. You'll spend your time in protective custody until the hearing and then...well Detective Flack says you're not sure about the witness protection program?"
"Got my family to think about. Just missed so much of my son's and grandsons lives I don't want to miss any more."
"But you have some pretty powerful enemies now."
"More so than North Korea?" Ron counters with a smirk. "You know when I mentioned the library to your wife yesterday and your second stay in solitary she seemed...well she seemed surprised. You haven't told her everything have you?"
"Can't," Mac answers softly as he looks away with a frown.
"Yeah funny how men get at times; 'specially when our pride is on the line."
"Meaning?"
"You probably figure she'll think less of you or something?"
"Something," Mac offers another one word answer.
"Do you think I think less of you when I found you in the library?"
"You didn't see what they um...what they did."
"What did they do?"
"I don't want to talk about it, sorry."
"Don't be sorry to me, you don't live with me. If you did, you'd hear about it," Ron quips and Mac's face finally softens. "Well I guess I should go. Just came by to see how you were and do hope you'll continue to keep in touch. Took to ya right away."
"Ron, you've helped me more than you know so thank you," Mac replies as he stands up and offers his hand. "Please take care."
Ron nods as he turns and heads back into the hallway where Flack is waiting. He watches Flack give him a half wave and then disappear around the corner with Ron Knight at his side. Mac settles back into his chair and feels himself offer a heavy sigh into the stillness around him. You need to tell her everything, his brain replay in part what Ron Knight advised him. But maybe if today went according to plan and he was able to keep his mind occupied on anything other than Maurice Wicks he would be able to get himself back to where he was and all this would be over and he would be spared any further tormented discussions with Stella.
That plan would be moot. For when the phone rings Mac's world crashes to a halt once more.
"Taylor."
"Sleep well Mac? You know I would sleep much better if you were here with me. Course I doubt we'd be doing much sleeping," Wicks laughs.
"How the hell..."
"Missed playing with you Mac. Miss restraining you and you trying to resist. Did you miss that also? How about the shower? Did you know I was watching? Did you like it as much as me? Would have preferred more of a show on your part but trust me you didn't disappoint."
"You son of a bitch how the hell did you get another phone call?" Mac demands in anger.
"You aren't the only one with friends in low places. Been thinking about you Mac and all the fun we are going to have when we are together again. Well maybe more fun for me; you might not be able to move that much."
"There won't be a next time and I am going to personally..."
"Listen up Mac. You can't fight fate. You will be with me and I am going to finish what I started. You will be helpless and alone AND MINE!"
"You are going to rot in jail for the rest of your life you sick bastard. It bothers you because I won and you didn't. I was the one you couldn't break and I know that pisses you off."
"Got some nice new toys for ya Mac. Course you took away my other handcuffs but I got some new ones that I think will look real good on you. And..."
"You have nothing to..."
"Got a real problem interrupting me Mac. I will keep you gagged most of the time but trust me you wont mind. I know you like those sounds just as much as me."
"You are going..."
"Your wife know about us Mac? I mean did you tell her about all the fun we had together?"
"Listen to me you sick bastard."
"Again with the interrupting...how about your team? Shall I tell them for you? Or do you want it to be just us?"
"You are one twisted, deluded..."
"Twisted yes, deluded no. I know you wanted it just as much as me. I felt you Mac. I felt you get hard under my touch. I know you liked it then and I know you'll like..."
Mac had enough as he slams down the phone, offering an angry curse but catching himself from tossing the phone toward the window just as Danny appears.
"Whoa sorry Big Mac, but you um got a sec?"
"No!" Mac growls as he pushes himself up out of his desk, past Danny and races for the stairwell; his eyes about to water and his heart racing. He allows the door to slam shut behind him as he heads downstairs, needing to hit something and not wanting to put on a display for his team or his wife.
He reaches the quiet gym; heads for the bench with two punching gloves, quickly stripping off his suit jacket and dress shirt, tossing them aside just as he reaches the leather punching bag.
'Put on a show in the showers...felt you Mac...you liked itl...iked it...'
"SHUT UP!" Mac yells as he punches the bag with such force that he quickly pulls his bruised shoulder, the one that had been dislocated; in pain.
'New toys for you Mac...keep you gagged...I WILL HAVE YOU!'
"GET OUT...OF MY...HEAD!" Mac shouts once more as he punches the bag with his other arm, not caring about the small throbbing feeling starting to develop in his side.
'Be better if you were here with me...one that got away...I WILL HAVE YOU'!
"NEVER," Mac pants as he offers another forceful blow, stepping back a few steps, trying to catch his breath and keep his lungs from heaving. He blinks away some angry tears from his eyes but when he looks back at the bag he sees Wicks face smiling at him.
'Can't fight fate Mac,' the voice smiles at him. 'You will be mine...I will own you.'
"NEVER!" Mac shouts again as he slams his fist into the heavy bag. "Never you sick...bastard," he curses as he throws his weight into it once more.
XXXXXXXX
"Stella you wanna help me with this Mac is um...busy," Danny asks with a heavy frown as he walks up to the evidence table Stella is still lingering at.
"Sure. What is Mac doing?"
"Don't know. He slammed down the phone and then snapped at me. Musta been Sinclair," Danny shrugs as Stella feels her stomach starting to tighten. Another bad phone call. But she remembers how Mac acted yesterday and hopes that she can ward off another disappearing act on his part.
"I'llbe right back," Stella tells Danny as she rushes out of the evidence lab, leaving their team once again exchanging wondering glances about the errant behavior of their fearless leader since his return from his undercover assignment.
Stella reaches Mac's office and panic seizes her when she sees he's not there. But his phone was still on the desk along with his gun holster so she knows he can't have gone very far. But where? Somewhere there are no people...The gym? Although unlikely she figures it's worth a shot and then heads for the elevator, her heart rate starting to race as the elevator finally reaches the bottom. She exits into the lonely hallway and hears angry cursing and grunts and feels her heart shatter as she gets closer and recognizes the voice of her beloved husband.
"Oh Mac," she whispers as she nears the door that is still open a crack.
"SICK BASTARD!" She hears Mac curse followed by a grunt. "Never...own me...NEVER!" He yells again as another resounding punch echoes into the hallway she's in. She leans against the wall and closes her eyes, her stomach tight as she once again hears Mac curse Wicks name followed by another forceful promise that he would never be able to finish what he's started.
Was that Wicks on the phone? And if so did he also call yesterday? Stella shakes her head and tells herself that Wicks wouldnt have phone privileges, much less be able to call the one man he's accused of assaulting. But what if was him? Would account for Mac's rash behavior right now. She knows that Mac spoke with Ron but doubts that Ron would have this effect. As far as she knew Ron Knight was still going to help Mac by testifying.
What did he tell you Mac? She wonders as she hears her husband and partner offer another curse as his fists hits the bag; his lips following that with a grunt of pain. She quietly pokes her head around the door, unable to take any more of his tormented words and hoping and praying he'll finally confess what's going on.
"Stella," Mac pants as he steps back and looks at her in shock. "What um...are you doing here?" He asks as he quickly tries to take the gloves off.
"Don't stop Mac," she tells him in haste and he halts his actions. "Obviously you needed this and I'm glad you are here instead of at home and...well doing something you'll regret like yesterday."
"Just can't get...his voice...out of my head," Mac manages as he looks at her with a flushed and sweat stained face.
"Anything you want to tell me?"
"I just needed...to blow offsteam."
"Okay but anything you want to tell me?"
"No," Mac replies, his stomach tight from the internal battle to tell her or not to tell her. I just can't, Mac tries to reason inside his heated brain. She can't know that he called again; she'll worry and then it'll be even tenser between us. I just won'this voice trails off as her words interrupt his thoughts.
"Anything Ron say to upset you?" She tries.
"No, it was nice to...see him again," Mac lightly huffs as he stands fixed in place.
"Mac, I can't help you if you won't tell me."
"I CAN'T!" Mac shouts and then turns away in frustration. "There is nothing to tell."
"Danny said you snapped at him after a phone call."
"Wrong number."
"Yeah you said that yesterday," Stella counters, forcing Mac to look at her in remorse.
"It was nothing."
"Why won't you tell me?" She pleads.
"Stella...I just need to clear my head. I am fine."
"Right well...sorry to have bothered you," she huffs as she turns to leave.
"Stella, I'm sorry."
"For what Mac? For closing out the one person who loves you unconditionally?" She lightly snaps. "Who was on the phone?"
"It was no big deal!"
"I won't call you a liar Mac, but when you want to trust me again you know where I'll be," she states as she turns on her heel and leaves the room before he has a chance to answer.
"Damn it!" Mac curses as he tries to pull off the gloves, can't and so let out an angry shout into the quiet room before he heads back to the side bench and slumps down onto it. "She won't understand," he tries to reason. "I am doing this for us can't she see that?"
Mac raises his eyes toward the door and frowns. "Stella, I'm sorry."
She heads for the elevator, calling Flack on the way.
"Stella...I can't."
"Don't lecture me Don, if I have to I will pull rank and go to Sinclair."
"But Mac..."
"Needs me to do this. I need to see those tapes Don."
"Just make sure that Mac doesn't know I gave them to you."
"I think Maurice Wicks just called him again. He called him yesterday right?"
"Didn't he tell you?" Flack inquires.
"Not directly and that is part of the problem. I think that Mac thinks he's protecting me and our marriage by keeping this all inside. How the hell is Wicks even allowed to call Mac?" Stella asks, the hint of anger in her voice also directed at the fact that Mac didn't tell her about the two phone calls.
"I don't know," Flack sighs. "We got the guard changed from yesterday but...well he's a man with many friends, most like him."
"Great. And Ron Knight?"
"He's safe. I'll take care of Wicks phone usage."
After Stella arranges for the tapes she heads for Flack's desk. She had asked him for them the day before but thought she wouldnt need them after Mac mentioned dinner out. And not wanting that to just become an idle dream, she knows she needs to know exactly what Mac faced in order to help him with whatever Wicks has as mental leverage over him.
"You'll never win Wicks," she vows as she reaches for the secret compartment where Flack had stored the footage. "If I have to, I will kill you myself," she vows as she extracts the small CD-ROM and then heads for her office; wanting to at least start to watch before Mac makes himself known once more. And while she wishes he was keeping his mind occupied by working on a case, she knows the best thing for him right now, is to work out all his energy doing something that won't take his life.
She reaches her office and shoves the CD into the drive, her mind and heart racing with nervous anticipation as to what she'll see. She opts to start at the beginning, telling herself that she needs to have the complete picture of what her husband endured in order to know what he has fighting inside.
The part with Mac having to strip for his processing and then watching him look around nervously sends her heart into small spasms; especially when he looks up and sees the two men watching him with smiles.
"I hate him already," she mutters under her breath. She then meets Ron Knight; her view, Mac's eyes and seeing everything he sees. Her heart aches when she hears him whisper her name; Ron not around but then feels her stomach tighten when Wicks first comes with the handcuffs and then forces Mac to wear them.
"Oh my god," she utters in horror as she first hears Wicks buttering Mac up; trying to befriend him with twisted lies. However, she also knows that Wicks isn't telling Mac things he can't get past. What is it...what did he say that has Mac still so afraid? She watches Mac interacting with Ron and then Bart and then George; feeling her stomach tighten as she is forced to listen to the demeaning and degrading remarks that George and Wicks were offering him. The shower scene made her want to throw up as she heard Mac muttering that they were watching and that he wanted to go home.
"Oh Mac...I'm so sorry," she laments in misery as she feels her eyes wanting to water. But it's not until Mac is first trapped in the library, a small fight that ends with his wrists cuffed behind his back and in the grasp of the two large men that her stomach wants to lose its contents. She watches Wicks lean in closer, George's hands also on Mac and then has to turn away when Wicks finally touches Mac in his groin; Mac's soft whimpers muffled by George's hand over his mouth.
'Got a lot to offer us Mark. We know you like it rough...enough foreplay Mark...time for some fun...you are already hard...nice and hard for me. Will make this easier on both of us.'
"Sick bastard," she whispers through clenched teeth. She dares to turn back and then watches as Mac's head snaps up and Ron's voice is heard. She feels herself breathing a sigh of relief; almost the same time as her husband but then hears them gag Mac and touch him again, his mouth offering muffled called for helps; his twisted captor's whispering things into his ear that the glasses picked up and unfortunately so did her brain.
She feels her fists tighten as he threatened not to tell anyone and then finally released and punched once more before he calls to Ron for help. She hits pause and then leans back in her chair, her throat finding it hard to swallow the small lump that has formed; her fingers quickly brushing away tears. She shakes her head; her brain now offering the ugly words that Wicks had taunted Mac's helpless state with. And that was it, it wasn't that he was caught and subdued it was that he was unable to fight back or stop the touching and the threats that were offered.
"Why didn't he tell me any of this?" She asks in misery as a tear finally escapes and runs down her cheek as she turns back and see's Ron Knight's concerned expression looking into the reflection of the scared face of her husband. Did he honestly think I would think less or love him less? And after watching only a few tormented minutes, she turns off the CD, unable to go further if it meant witnessing even more vile things that were implanted into Mac's brain courtesy of Maurice Wicks.
"Sick bastard...you won't win...you'll never break Mac."
She finishes her last word; her husbands name rolling off her lips as she looks up and spies his handsome face watching her with a weary expression.
"Stella I'm sorry," he offers softly. He looks at her soft watery expression and tells himself that it was his actions and angry words that drove her to this state; never knowing that it was because of what he endured and she just saw that has put her into such a morbid stupor.
"I didn't mean..."
"It's not you Mac...it's him. It's the monster that did this to us," Stella manages weakly. "Do you trust me Mac?"
"I do trust you Stella; with my life."
"Then tell me all that happened Mac. Make me understand what you are seeing, feeling and thinking that I can't," she begs. "Why are you so angry? What did he say to you? What did he do to you?" She asks softly.
"He did call," Mac finally gives in as he leans against the glass door frame, gently closing her door so the rest of the lab won't hear their discussion.
"What did he say?"
"Things that...as I said before...things no man should ever hear from another man," Mac looks down and then back up with a frown. "When he called it um..."
"Brought them all back."
"And you can't tell me how you are feeling?"
"I don't know how to explain it to you. You're not a man Stella."
"I can't understand the feeling of helplessness by being trapped by someone? You seriously want to ask me that?"
Mac looks at her and feels his shoulders sag. If anyone at all could understand his helpless feeling it would be her; she endured Frankie's torture and lived to tell. But much like him she too kept it inside; until she was rescued and even then, opened only to him.
"And after that happened I respected you enough not to pry. Stella you didn't offer many details about what you were um..."
"Right...I guess I didn't open up very much and here I am getting after you for doing the same thing," she looks away in misery. Silence finally starts to build as she turns back to Mac with a weak frown. "I don't know what to do."
"Neither do I," Mac admits. "Stella, I want him out of my head and each morning I wake up and tell myself today is going to be better but then I get a call or someone says something or a case reminds me and..."
"And you're right back to square one. Remember after Frankie I told you I changed."
"And I just lectured you about not letting the job affect your emotions," Mac remembers bitterly. "I guess it's time to take a dose of my own medicine."
"That's just it, we were both wrong then but we can change that now," Stella urges him as she leans forward and rests her fingers on his. "You are not alone and unlike after Frankie, we are married and our bond is stronger than ever. Together we can beat Maurice Wicks at his own game."
"Wish it was that easy; each time I close my eyes I see his face, hear his words and feel..."
"Feel what Mac?"
"Feel myself wanting to fight back but unable."
Stella looks at his posture and knows that he's struggling to tell her the things inside; some of them she's already seen. Wicks touched himhe felt hisher brain swallows, unable to actually state the words she had seen. Touched his groin...more than once...that was for her pleasure only and she knows that he now feels violated by the ugly man who took away that innocence.
"You know if you tell me everything I won't think less of you Mac, you know that right?"
"Just can't right now Stella," Mac swallows hard. I can't tell her he touched me...what would she say? She'd pity me and right now I don't need pity or sympathy. She hasn't seen the tapes, he falsely assumes, so then I'll just work past this, hang up as soon as he calls and I'll get past this.
"Is that why you um...well when I want to initiate anything sexual that you...pull away?"
"Part of it," Mac looks away as he answers. "And that is why I can't tell you. How can I make you understand that it's not you and it's him?"
"By telling me like you did just now," she offers and he looks back in surprise. "Just glad it's not me."
"Never Stella...it's me if anything."
"You?"
"That I feel...well inadequate or..."
"Please tell me you don't believe that."
"Stella I..."
"It's not true Mac in any way. I hope that yo..." Stella starts once more only to have Lindsay come up to the door and lightly knock.
"We can finish this later."
"Mac," Stella tries once more.
"Please Stella, later?" Mac asks weakly. Stella sees the pain and remorse in his warm sapphire eyes and knows she won't have the strength today to mend her crushed heart. Mac feels inadequate? How can I make him feel that isn't true? But as she sees the impatient person outside waiting to discuss a work matter she knows she has to drop this until another time. I will make you believe the truth Mac, that you are an amazing man with nothing to be afraid of ever!
"Okay," she begrudgingly agrees as she nods to Lindsay to enter.
"Sorry guys but just got two major calls. Danny is working on our call from this morning but Sheldon and I need to take this call."
"Go and we'll help Danny," Mac instructs as he pushes his fatigue ravaged frame out of the chair before Stella and offers Lindsay a nod. Lindsay takes her leave and Mac pauses in the doorway to Stella's office, looking back with a wondering expression.
"I just want all this to be over."
"It is Mac."
"He's still alive Stella," is what he leaves her to ponder as he turns and heads into the hallway. Stella leans back in her chair and allows Mac's chilling words to sink into her heart. Would it really come to that? But Wicks is in jail; he physically can't harm Mac any longer.
"He has to stop calling Mac," Stella states angrily. But as much as she knows that Wicks hurt both mentally and physically she just can't see Mac taking a life; even one as worthless as Maurice Wicks in a fit of rage or just to ease his own mental torment. Mac is bigger than that.
She eyes the CD in her computer drive and frowns. She wants to watch more but not sure after Mac's confession just now if she even wants to. What if he opens up again to me tonight later?
"But I need to know."
Her finger hovers above the play button but fate intervenes by another phone call and her mind is temporarily distracted once again.
XXXXXXXX
Mac heads down into the evidence lab and eyes Danny at the table.
"You okay Mac?"
"Sorry for snapping earlier."
"Lose a bet or something?" Danny quips and Mac just offers a small smirk. "Heard your undercover op was a success."
"We got the bad guy if you mean it like that."
"That's always good right?"
"Right so what do we have?"
"This one is nasty Mac," Danny mentions as he hands him the crime scene photos. "The body is with Sid right now."
"What do we know?"
"From the traces of chloroform around his mouth it seems as he was drugged, kidnapped, sexually assaulted and then strangled."
"Assaulted," Mac mumbles in a low tone, his heart rate wanting to increase.
'I'LL FINISH WHAT I STARTED,' Wicks voice starts to dance in his head.
"Can't imagine that you know," Danny ponders as he hands Mac a bag of evidence. "Rope marks around the wrists suggest he was tied up."
'Got lots of new toys for you Mac. You probably won't do much moving next time.'
"I mean for a guy to...well you know...tie a guy down and then...I'm assuming he'd be tied face down?"
'One that got away...NEXT TIME IT WILL BE YOU!'
"Mac?" Danny gently taps his shoulder and Mac pulls back with a heavy frown. "Hey sorry man did I lose you there?'
"Sorry what?"
"Just can't imagine you know? What he was thikin' and all."
"Probably didn't have time to think."
"Yeah but when the guy was you know...doin' the deed."
'I felt you Mac...felt you go hard...I know you liked it.'
"What do you think it was like Mac?"
"How the hell should I know?" Mac barks angrily, causing Adam and another lab tech to look up in wonder. "Huh?"
"Hey I meant no offense. Just that we usually hear from women but...well I mean with men."
"What is your point?"
"Think he felt like a wimp or somethin'?" Danny shrugs.
"He was drugged," Mac growls; his anger rising, not at his co-worker in general but just at the topic and the fact that it once again forces Maurice Wicks to the forefront of his mind.
"Gosh can you imagine though if he came too...you know during the um...well the rape?"
"I'd die," Adam mentions with a frown. "And he couldn't call for help right? Wow that musta made it even worse. Poor guy."
'Keep you gagged Mac.'
"Any thoughts on motive Mac?" Danny continues.
"Mac would have kicked his ass," Adam states with pride.
Mac looks at him with a blank stare.
'You will be with me and you will be HELPLESS!'
"I um..."
"Think he knew the guy?" Adam adds to the discussion. "Can you imagine what kind of person you'd have to be to gain someone's trust and then um..."
"What about our vic? Think he knew his attacker? That would be just as bad. Right Mac?"
'Miss me Mac? I missed you...will see you again...I know you liked it rough...I know you...'
"I think it would be worse," Adam frowns.
"I think this needs to stop," Mac states firmly, prompting Danny and Adam to exchange glances.
"What Mac? We always discuss the ways the person died to get a better idea of who we are looking for while we wait for trace results," Danny shrugs. "Can't imagine what was going thought his head."
"Shame," Adam says. "Can you imagine if he would have survived that? I think I would rather be dead after um...after that."
"Would be tough to live with that knowledge and experience," Danny frowns. "I mean women survivors are never the same after they have...well you know."
"But for a guy it would be worse," Adam continues. "You'd never be able to look in the mirror again."
"Enough guys," Mac tries in a weaker tone; his mind once again racing.
"What if you were married? I wonder what your partner would think?" Danny inquires.
'When you are alone with your thought...smy voice you'll hear.'
"I said enough."
'When you close your eyes...my face you'll see.'
"Probably would pity you for sure," Adam replies.
'You tell your wife about us...all the fun we had together?'
"I said..."
"Wonder if you'd want to still have sex?" Danny counters.
'All the fun we will have when we are together...you won't be able to move much...just you and me Mac.'
"That would be really um...weird for sure" Adam huffs.
"Enough," Mac tries once more, his heart about to give way and his ear drums pounding so loud they are about to burst.
'No one can stop me Mac. I WILL DESTROY YOU!'
"ENOUGH!" Mac shouts in anger as he makes a move toward Danny, before he slams a small box down on the evidence table and storms out of the room. "I'll kill him."
"What the hell is going on?" Adam asks as Danny hurries after Mac.
"I don't know but I'm going to find out."
Danny enters the hallway only to see Mac disappear into the get into the elevator just as the doors close. "Mac!" Danny calls but is too late as the doors close and Mac is gone; prompting him to quickly pull his phone and call Stella.
"He said what?"
"He said, 'I'll kill him,' and then stormed out of the room and into the elevator. Stella what is going on with Mac?" Danny inquires with a worried tone. "This morning...and then just now."
"What led up to that?"
"Just a discussion on our latest vic."
"Anything specific?"
"Well the guy was raped and strangled and Adam I were talking about what it must have been like for the guy but stuff that Mac has heard before. Stella, does he know the killer?"
"No, its no big deal Danny. It was something else. I'll call him and thanks," she lies and then hangs up, cursing herself for handing Danny the same line that Mac used on her. She rushes to a window only to see Mac jump into the back of a cab and then it drive away.
"Damn it Mac," she curses as she reaches for her phone; Flack appearing in the doorway. "We need to follow Mac and you are driving. Come on Mac, pick up," she begs her phone as she follows Flack out the door to her office.
"What? Where is Mac going?" Flack asks as they rush toward the elevator.
"To do something stupid."
"Such as?"
"Going to see Maurice Wicks."
A/N: Gosh guys, sorry this chapter was so long! But had so much to put in and hope that is okay! This isn't the big showdown with Mac and Wicks that is still to come. So hopefully you'll stick with this story and keep reviewing until the end. Gosh I/the muse need those reviews more than ever! thank you!