I'm sorry but I have to start this chapter with a trigger warning. If you're not comfortable with puking/ vomiting/ etc, please don't read this chapter. It is for character development purposes and will be added with a trigger warning every time.

She woke up surrounded by darkness and quiescence again. Saeran was still curled up at her side, with one arm pulled around her waist. The heat his body radiated invited her to move closer. He always seemed so happy and peaceful in his sleep, with his ruffled locks, as if everything was perfect. In some ways it was. For him it might have been. She studied the untroubled expression on his face, wondering if he knew about her worries and the struggle that was still so deeply rooted in her heart.

The small kiss, the tight hugs, and all these nights next to him felt so good. They helped her to ignore the devil's whispers inside her. Every of his actions were like tiny band aids, trying to fix her broken heart. He radiated love and peace every day, ready to catch her every time she fell.

On some mornings she woke up without dried tears on her cheeks.

When the sun was shining and they spent their days in gardens, discussing flowers and their language, her heart was peaceful.

Watching movies in the evening with their favourite ice cream flavours on their couch, barely following what happened on screen until they fell asleep, gave her dreams for the future.

On these days, she was able to suppress the pain and ignore it.

At least for a few hours, but as soon as he left her for a minute, or until twilight threatened with another night, the emotions drowned her deeper than before, like waves devouring ships in a storm. She was still sinking after months. It felt like all her tears had built a sea that surrounded her and she never learned how to swim.

Saeran mumbled in his sleep and MC cuddled closer towards him, trying to hide herself from the pain that was hitting her hard again. He was back. His face haunted her, and his voice seemed to be everywhere, even if she covered her ears. Saeyoung. Seven. Agent 707. The defender of justice. If only he had defended her from himself. If only she had listened to him and turned away back then, when she still had the chance.

Immediately she felt the urge to slap herself. As if she could have stayed away from the red headed hacker and his playful, happy go lucky personality. Back then, she had felt the sadness deep down in him and how much he cared for all his friends at the same time. MC had wanted to help him and somewhere along the way her feelings had grown. Until a few months ago, she thought he had felt the same. After all the times she fought for him. Apparently, she had been wrong. Now she wasn't sure anymore if he had ever loved her at all the way she still loved him. A cramp in her stomach followed the thought, adding to the pain that kept her from sleeping.

A whimper escaped her mouth. Immediately she covered her mouth. MC tried to calm herself and stay quiet, so Saeran wouldn't wake up, but it became harder every night that passed. Soon she would break down from all the pain, and she knew there was no way to avoid it, he would see it. MC didn't want to give in. She never had. Deep inside she was still a fighter, willing to attack and struggle to reach her goals. Now all she wanted was to get rid of the thoughts about her fiance, but the more she tried to conceal them, the stronger they returned.

Immediately memories of Saeyoung, helping her covering the hickeys and bite marks after one of their special love nights with some make up, filled her mind. Just like his witty jokes did, as he tried to make her ditch her appointment with Jumin later that day. MC remembered them as if he had told them yesterday. In the end she had left no matter what he said and when Jumin and his driver brought her home in the evening, all her friends had gathered in the bunker. They had organized a surprise party. One of the happiest days in her life had become perfect, when Saeyoung jumped out of a giant cake and screamed at her to marry him, completely covered in cream, chocolate cats, and icing.

Marriage seemed so far away now, as well as a happy life with a family of her own. Summer day memories when they talked about children names filled her mind immediately, followed by his last words before the door shut. Another cramp, followed by a funny feeling. The taste of bile lingered on her lips. She had to get out of this bed. Right now.

Slowly she glided out of Saeran's embrace, trying to make as little noise as possible. Her attempt failed. As always, he immediately woke up, looking confused. He asked if she was alright, but she quickly lied to him, telling him she just had to go to the toilet and would be back in a few minutes. Too tired to identify her lie, he hummed and rolled to the other side of the bed. Before she had left the room, he was sound asleep again, curled up like a cat.

She stood in the door frame, studying him. MC envied his peaceful sleep and wondered how he could be this relaxed, when she was so hurt instead. After all the pain he had suffered, he seemed to cope with it better, and faster. She came to the conclusion that he must have been better at dealing with abandonment than she was.

With this thought still in mind, she closed the door and locked it from outside, knowing it wouldn't take him too long to force the door open, as soon as he woke up. He was still as skilled and dangerous as he had been in Mint Eye. Still, she needed every minute she could get, before he found out about her plans.

First, she had end those stomach cramps. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to concentrate. These pains came more regularly now, but she felt like she could still handle them. It was the one thing, she had under control. No one could take it away from her. It gave her power, the one thing she craved for these days. She desperately needed it.

Crawling over the toilet seat, she tried to control her heavy breathing. It would be hard to stay quiet, but she had done it several times by now. With every contraction, the disgust she felt became smaller and the urge grew, until she finally reached into her mouth, to get rid of the feeling that tormented her. MC wasn't proud, but the only way she had found to let go, was to throw up until she was too weak to think properly.

Shivering, she lay on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, watching the ceiling. MC knew she had to get up, if she didn't want to become ill. In addition she had to hurry, before Saeran would wake up and look after her. If only she could find the strength to move her body.

His face suddenly returned to her inner eye. The chaotic redhead, that had always encouraged her to follow her dreams, until he ran away without a proper goodbye. Her fiance Saeyoung still spooked around in her head, and she desperately had to find him. With a heavy breath she stood up, cleaned her face with rough motions and left the room towards the computers he had left behind, just like her.

The monitors lit up immediately after she pressed the power button. They illuminated the room, blinding her for a moment. MC remembered the password after a few errors. The trembling of her fingers had caused more typos than she had expected, only worsened by the shivers that had returned. It grew even more, as she recognized his wallpaper. A picture of them and their friends, the same as the one that had been in the living room. Their huge red couch with Saeran, Saeyoung and her in his arms, surrounded by the other members of the RFA. A memory of happier days.

These had been breathtakingly wonderful memories, and they made her wonder. Wherever she looked, things didn't seem to fit. The last time she had seen him, Saeyoung had been cold and had pushed her away, but all of his belongings screamed how happy he was with her by his side, and his brother so close to them. That picture was just another evidence. Gently she traced the monitor with her fingertips, following his figure, as if she were touching Saeyoung himself instead of a mere photography of him.

MC had stared at it without realising the time that passed. As she finally regained control about her wandering thoughts, she shook her head to clear her mind. Slowly, she began to open folders and pages until she found the program she was looking for. '01010000 01101000 01101111 01101110 01100101'. MC had remembered the funny name, but converted the phrase to be sure. She smirked slightly, as she read the output a second time. He really loved binary codes.

After she opened it and put in the requested data, a loading screen appeared, showing a small red and yellow striped cat with glasses, that ran over the screen. Tears began to disturb her vision at the sight of it. Everything he did, had so much love for details in it. With shivering fingertips she traced her jaw, the way he always had. MC desperately missed and craved that love. Saeyoung had to come back. She would do everything to change his mind and make him stay this time, make him love her. No matter how dangerous his live was, they belonged together.

She lost track of time, caught up in memories again. Every now and then she glanced at the screen, waiting for something new to happen. As the cat was about to reach the right corner of the loading bar, the screen went black with a red skull on it and a message in huge blood red letters.

"Stop looking for me."

MC couldn't take her eyes off, a gasp escaped her mouth, and she began to sob from joy. A message from him, finally. She had reached him!

It took awhile for her to realise what he had written. In denial of the truth, tears still ran down her face, dampening her skin and shirt, but now they were pure sadness. The program disappeared, deleting itself from the desktop before the monitor went black in front of her. Darkness mirrored her blank expression.

Saeyoung had taken control of his computer within minutes and blocked her efforts once more. Another path that led to him was gone now, forever. She should have known he would detect one of his own, 'perfect and undetectable' tracking programs. How could she have been this stupid. Of course he wouldn't fall for it. Her hands began to shake uncontrollably and the cramps came back more painful, forcing her to hold her stomach in a desperate attempt to lighten the sting.

Groans of pain, both physically and psychologically, filled the air. MC had given up on muffeling the sounds. It wouldn't change a thing now. Saeran would hear her anyway, and she didn't have the strength to care anymore.

Hewwo everyone! I completely forgot this chapter had not been uploaded yet and stressed over typing the next one. Am I an idiot sometimes? YES!

I feel like the last chapters were cute. This one.. not as much. I felt like MC just had to have some flaws to be an authentic character in this story. If someone feels bad about the traits I chose - I don't want to trigger anyone. I added a warning on top. If it still makes you feel bad, you can always comment and share your concerns!
What do you think about this chapter?