"I'll think about it," Yut-Lung told Shorter.
"Think about it," Shorter repeated, shoulders slumping. "'Kay."
Yut-Lung lay awake after Shorter turned out the lights, blankets pulled up over his face. He doubted Blanca would be enthused about him helping Ash out in anything other than an emergency situation. And Ash was still hanging around that stupid Eiji, spending Christmas with him, even.
Still. If Ash could help him deal with his brothers… but he would rather die than have anyone discuss publicly what they'd done to him. What they'd made him do. It was bad enough to have a slut reputation at this fucking school. And if people found out about his mother, if they blamed her, if they thought her weak for what they did to her...
It's not enough. Blanca's care and protection for him—it wasn't enough. He was still spiraling, plummeting towards a gaping void. He dreamed of falling when he wasn't dreaming of his mother.
Shorter shook him awake when he screamed his throat raw. And Shorter didn't press, but his eyes stayed on Yut-Lung, worried, until Yut-Lung turned over and pretended to be asleep again.
I'd do anything for her.
I want them to pay for it. So do you, don't you, Ash? For your brother.
Yut-Lung combed his hair the next morning, getting ready for the second semester of classes. He still had his extra lessons in biology, if only as part of his internship. Or because Blanca wanted him to still tutor Sing or something.
He trudged his way to first period. Dawson's chemistry. He sat down by himself at the two-person black marble desks, like normal.
A bag landed next to him. Yut-Lung arched his eyebrows.
"Yo," said Sing. "Didn't get to see you."
"Shorter told you to persuade me, didn't he," Yut-Lung stated.
"I mean, yes, but I don't even know what about." Sing rolled his eyes as Lao sat next to Shorter, scowling at Sing.
"Is he shocked?" asked Arthur. "He is shocked! Poor Lao."
"Ignore him," Sing advised, turning away from Arthur, who looked like a dog wagging his tail, eager to pounce. Still, his brow furrowed.
"Didn't you hear your little bro got caught making out with the school slut right before Christmas?" Arthur crooned.
Oh shit. Yut-Lung was pretty sure Lao would have ripped his head off then and there if Shorter hadn't grabbed Laos's shoulders. Ash and Eiji both cringed.
"What?" squeaked out Bones. "I mean, damn, I knew you helped with a distraction, but I didn't know that—"
"Shut up!" bellowed Sing. His face was bright red.
Lao looked to be hyperventilating, doubling over his desk.
It's not like that! Yut-Lung opened his mouth, but Sing shook his head. "Don't even worry about it. It's bullshit, and sooner or later Arthur will realize no one cares."
You're underestimating the way everyone here salivates for someone new to tear apart and stitch with a scarlet S for slut.
"Attention, everyone!" squeaked Dawson. His voice faltered when he looked at his students. "Is there a problem?"
"No," Sing said, hunching his shoulders. "No problem here."
The bell rang at the end of class, and Lao lunged for Sing. Yut-Lung hesitated.
"I wouldn't get involved," Shorter mumbled, sidling up next to Yut-Lung.
Yut-Lung glanced at him, books clutched to his chest;. He turned and stalked after Lao and Sing anyways. Shorter groaned.
"It was just to create a distraction!" Sing protested. "And it doesn't matter, Lao! Who I—"
"He's a—don't you remember what he did to Shorter? It can't be him!" Lao looked as if Sing was a virgin daughter who'd spoiled himself before is wedding night. And Yut-Lung was not a fan of such misogyny or of the patriarchal attitude that you were entitled to anyone else's sexual behavior on the virtue of being older than them and sharing some DNA in common.
You're not your absent father, Lao.
"We're not dating!" Sing squawked. "It was just a distraction! And he's not that bad, he's really cool—"
"I can confirm," Yut-Lung interjected. "We're not dating."
Lao glowered at him, lips curling. "Go away."
"It was an emergency situation; of course I resorted to what I know best to create a distraction," Yut-Lung snapped. His heart pounded, and his eyes stung. What I know best…
I know nothing of kisses freely given, only stolen. Except Shorter.
Sing's gaze softened. "Shut up, Lao. I mean it. Leave me alone and leave him alone, or I'll—ask to switch dorm rooms."
Lao's mouth fell open. He stumbled as if Sing had slapped him. Sing walked towards Yut-Lung, slinging his arm around him. "Let's go."
"I hear Jenkins does counseling for attachment issues," Yut-Lung said sweetly to Lao.
"Oh, shut up," Sing snapped. "Not helping."
"I couldn't resist."
But still. Sing had defended him. Sing called him cool. Yut-Lung ate lunch with him and with Shorter, Lao looking like he was choking on a pickle the entire time. And after dinner, Yut-Lung finally dragged himself to Ash and Eiji's room.
"Yut-Lung!" sputtered Eiji, opening the door. "I wasn't—"
"Is Ash here?"
Eiji nodded, letting him inside. Ash pried himself up from where he had flopped over his bed, Catcher in the Rye in his hand. "Yes?"
"Shorter talked to me." Yut-Lung folded his arms, standing in the center of the room. He didn't like that Eiji was here. He didn't like—
"I know," said Ash.
"I can go to Kong and Bones's—" Eiji started.
Damn you. Beating him to his demand. Being considerate. "No, stay," Yut-Lung said with a huff. He dropped onto Eiji's desk chair. He didn't need an invitation. "You want me to what exactly? Spy on Golzine? On my own brothers?"
"Pretty much," Ash confirmed. No pretenses. Yut-Lung appreciated that.
"Well, they already asked me to spy on Blanca. Except he figured it out. And now he and I are—friends, I guess." That wasn't specifically true. He didn't know quite how to say it. "Well, he's helping me. Also, I know he's here to spy on you for Golzine but I don't know what for, exactly. I know you think your brother is innocent but you can't prove it."
"I don't know what I think about that," Ash interrupted. "Innocent or not, it doesn't matter. I just want to know what happened."
Huh?
Ash lifted his eyebrows, sitting cross-legged on his bed now.
"So why would I help you?" managed Yut-Lung. "When I have different orders."
"I'm guessing you hate your brothers—"
"Yut-Lung!" Her arms grasping towards him. They held her by her braid, choking her with her own hair. "No!"
What happened to yours?
"Do you want to know why I hate you?" Yut-Lung asked abruptly.
Ash rubbed his forehead. Eiji sat on his bed, next to Ash. "I guess? You're going to tell me anyways, aren't you?"
Probably. Yut-Lung tossed his hair. His heart pounded. He remembered the emptiness in Blanca's eyes. "Because we're the same. Like yin and yang. And I hate myself, so I hate you too. My brothers are no better than Golzine. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
Ash's mouth parted. "For real?"
Yut-Lung nodded. He twisted his hands in his lap.
"Fuck," said Ash. "Is everyone who works here a pedo?"
"Not Blanca."
"Sure, and not Max either, but everyone in actual power." Ash blew out his breath.
Was that just how the world was? Excusing perpetrators, parading children around for them to choose from, blaming and strangling the victims? When they lashed out, letting them fall on their own knives?
Even if your brother isn't innocent, you still love you.
Yut-Lung spotted Eiji watching him, eyes concerned, brow furrowed, lower lip poking out like he was actually worried but he shouldn't be, he couldn't be, he didn't have the right to be, he never went through anything like this, he could never understand, never never never.
And yet…
"I'll help you," Yut-Lung managed. "I will. But only if whatever you are doing to take down Golzine also takes down my brothers. Okay?"
The door swung open about fifteen minutes later. Eiji's chest felt as if it'd been rubbed raw. To think Yut-Lung—he looked so secure, so confident—
He remembered Yut-Lung screaming in the cafeteria, the night Ash vomited when he came back from the hospital, all of it. You really are the same.
School slut. Whore. Ho.
All of it, and he hadn't contradicted them. Eiji swallowed.
"I figured there wasn't any screaming or blood leaking out from under the door, so it was safe to come in," said Shorter, Sing on his heels. "The two of us were praying to every god we could think of."
"Ha, ha," Ash snapped. Yut-Lung actually giggled.
"Shorter kind of caught me up on things," Sing added, jerking his thumb at his friend. "About your brother and that Dino's some kind of mafia monster. And that Yut-Lung's brothers aren't any better. This is crazy."
"No kidding," Ash said gloomily.
"Can I ask why you're here?" Sing asked. "Like, why don't you just run away?"
"I can't," said Ash. "My brother—Griffin. He raised me."
Eiji swallowed. He glanced at his phone. His sister had called him earlier. He needed to call her back.
"My mother drove his mother out, but the bitch took off after I was born," Ash admitted. "She wanted a more exciting life. And my dad—he shacked up with this woman named Jennifer from the diner instead. He left Griff to live on his own in our little house. But he didn't give me up or throw me away. He raised me." Ash's voice softened, his words silken threads woven through the air.
She left you.
He saved you.
"He was only fifteen. He deserved so much better. He had his whole life ahead of him and—then he didn't, because all the money he earned from his job went to feeding me, clothing me, paying for heat in the winter. What my dad gave us wasn't enough." Ash covered his eyes. "I sometimes wonder if he joined the army to get away from me."
"Ash, really, he didn't," Eiji said. "You heard Max, and Jessica. He loved you."
"I really hope they're right," Ash managed. His voice clenched tight, he ducked his head. "Then he left for the army, and—well, you know." Sing and Yut-Lung both nodded. "And my dad sent me to his sister's when I got too troubling for him, but for almost a year I lived on my own. I was seven."
Empty houses. His sister, asking him what was for dinner, because his mother wasn't home yet, and Eiji would hear her coming home at three in the morning. Heating up canned food for her, trying to complete his fourth grade homework on time.
"Your dad sounds like a shithead," said Yut-Lung. "I mean, Christ, my dad gave us what we needed, whenever we needed, and then some. And he was a shit human being, but he was better than that."
Ash pulled his knees up to his chest. He clutched his calves, not saying anything.
"What a bitch," said Shorter.
Ash almost laughed.
She loved you, though, didn't she? Eiji swallowed. He wanted to say it, wanted Ash to believe it, but he couldn't. Not now.
You love me, don't you? Mom? Dad? You couldn't come. You would have. You—
He couldn't imagine the empty feeling that resonated from Ash's voice, the one that sounded like a pebble rattling around in an empty bottle. It hurt.
"I'm here for Skip," Ash said. "I met him—while at Dino's place. His mom had gotten shot and he didn't know his father. Dino said he'd give him a scholarship, but it wasn't out of the kindness of his heart. He's trying to use him to threaten me. If I do anything—if he catches me going too far—he'll put Skip through what he put me through." Ash clenched his fist. "I can't let that happen. Skip is a good kid."
"Are you for real?" demanded Shorter.
Ash nodded.
"Well, fuck," said Shorter. He looked at Eiji, at Sing, at Yut-Lung. "We're not letting anything happen to that kid."
"He has no idea. Skip." Ash closed his eyes. "I want to—help him be free, too. Jessica was right, when I talked to her. I can't be free while he's still—out there. He'll never let me go. He's too obsessed."
"Who can we trust?" asked Sing.
"Blanca," said Yut-Lung. "Well, not to interfere. If we need him to help us not get hurt."
"I wouldn't count on that," Ash said, lips twisting. "He'll do what he thinks is best. If that's for us to stay here, he'll try to stop us."
"Shit."
"Max and Jessica," said Eiji. "Ibe and Charlie, Nadia."
"George and Jenkins are good," said Yut-Lung. "At least, my brothers hate them, so they have to be."
Ash snorted.
"I know how you feel about Griffin," Yut-Lung said, voice shaking.
Hm? Eiji frowned, watching him, Yut-Lung's face paled, sweat forming on his forehead.
"My mom—she was fifteen when she had me. She was ten when my father bought her from her father, who was a poor street peddler. My dad was sixty-five." Yut-Lung's words caught. "Isn't that grotesque?"
"Are you serious?" demanded Sing. His lips curled. Eiji's dinner surged up his throat.
Yut-Lung nodded. "I shouldn't—exist."
"But you do," said Ash.
"She loved me," Yut-Lung whispered. "She loved me anyways, she would sing—she had the same long hair—and then they raped her."
"What?" Shorter gaped. Eiji felt cold.
"After he died. I was six. They came—Hua-Lung held me back in his arms—they made me watch—they took turns, all six of them—raping her. And then Hua-Lung dragged me away, and she was screaming my name, and they told me she tried to kill herself and now she's in a psych ward and doesn't remember me or anyone else and is dangerous." Yut-Lung wiped at his eyes. "I loved her," he repeated. "They won't even let me see her. I tried to break out once to see her. I was eleven and they sent me to someone into BDSM to punish me. I honestly think she's dead and they tell me that just to keep me working for them, and I'm weak and pathetic enough to believe them. No, I know she's dead. Sometimes."
Oh my god. Eiji exchanged a glance with Ash. "It's not your fault."
"Huh?" Yut-Lung looked up at him, tears streaming down his cheeks.
"They're—monsters—stealing away children's lives," Eiji said. "Your mom, Griffin, Ash, you—threatening to steal Skip's—" He curled his fist. "We'll stop them."
Yut-Lung's gaze softened. "That's naive, but we'll try."
"We'll try," Eiji agreed.
The door flung open again.
"Lao!" yelped Shorter. Sing's brother's gaze darted about, taking them all in.
If you were listening, I'll beat your brains in, Sing decided. Not that Lao would have been listening. He wasn't patient enough for that.
He was still reeling from what Yut-Lung had said. What Shorter said about Ash was bad enough, even if he hadn't told him why Dino was keeping him around. Sing could figure that part out.
She loved you. And they took her from you.
You don't think you're allowed to have anyone who loves you. You hate yourself for that.
He couldn't fathom that feeling. Lao loved him, that he knew, but his love was suffocating. The closest Sing could come to knowing that was feeling like Lao would never let him love anyone without making his life hell, like he thought everyone had a limited supply of love to draw from.
I really do consider you a friend, Yut-Lung. And he was impressed when he heard he actually went to Ash's room. You're braver than you think.
"Was wondering where everyone was," Lao said casually.
I'll bet. Sing leaned back.
"What're you all talking about?"
Silence. Ash glanced at Shorter, who sighed.
"Sex," Sing answered. It was technically true.
Shorter almost choked, covering his mouth. Eiji's face turned as red as the throw pillow on his bed.
"What?" Lao tried to laugh. His eyes spelled out murder.
"Yeah," chimed in Yut-Lung. "Sex. Like I've had it, and so has Ash, and Shorter, but Sing and Eiji are both virgins. Sing hasn't even had his first kiss."
"Uh, you—" Sing started.
"Doesn't count." Yut-Lung waved his hand. "Not unless you wanted it."
It doesn't? Sing frowned. He hadn't exactly disliked it—
"Then I haven't had sex, in that case," Ash said, flopping back. Said casually. Like it didn't matter. Still, Sing saw how his eyes closed, as if he hated it, and liked the idea at the same time.
"How about you, big bro?" Sing asked sweetly.
Lao scowled at him, yanking out Ash's desk chair to sit down. "No."
"Been kissed?" asked Yut-Lung.
"I know for a fact you have been kissed, dude," said Shorter, aiming his thumb at him. "I saw you with that hot girl last year, when we actually won the soccer championship. What ever did happen with that?"
"She started going out with someone else." Lao scowled.
"I didn't know about that," Sing said, sitting up. Why didn't you tell me? See, you don't tell me things either.
You don't tell me things that hurt you, do you? Lao...
"Party in Ash's room!" hollered Alex's voice.
"Oh no," whispered Ash.
"Hey, Ash had a girl he liked back when he was fourteen," Shorter said as Alex, Kong, and Bones squeezed in.
"She died," Ash said. "I never so much as held her hand. I just gave her flowers once." His face turned as red as roses. Sing chortled.
"Damn," said Bones. "An old-fashioned romantic."
"How about them?" Lao asked, nodding. His eyes lasered Yut-Lung.
"Easy," said Yut-Lung. "Kong and Bones are virgins. Alex is not."
"Why is this the conversation?" complained Bones.
"Damn," said Kong.
"Wrong, actually," said Alex, settling on the floor beside Ash's bed.
"For real?" Sing blinked. He didn't know why he was so surprised.
"There's nothing wrong with not having found anyone I want to do it with yet," Alex countered.
"Exactly," Eiji said quickly.
Yut-Lung looked down at his shoes. Sing shifted. He didn't want Yut-Lung or Ash to feel uncomfortable—
"Yo," said Cain, appearing.
"Cain!" Sing exclaimed.
"No one's fighting and you're all in the same room together," Cain remarked, crossing his arms. "Impressive."
"I'm the only one of us who has to regularly deal with the one person in this dorm who causes fights and he has an extra essay for Jessica Randy," said Alex.
"Well, that's optimistic of you." Cain glanced from Lao to Yut-Lung.
"We're talking about sex," Shorter informed him. "How many times, who with, all of it."
Cain guffawed. "Two girls. One I was fifteen, the other last summer. But I'm not naming names."
"Nice," Shorter said, nodding.
Cain shrugged. "It was fun. Nothing wrong with that. Just be responsible about it, no one wants to be a daddy at sixteen, and they gotta have fun too."
Yut-Lung and Ash exchanged glances. Sing winced.
"It's no big deal, then," Kong said.
"Mm, it is if you want it to be, and either way it's pretty awkward the first time," Shorter commented.
When they all finally left when Max announced lights out, Sing caught Yut-Lung's arm. "Sorry about that. I really thought he'd like, leave."
Yut-Lung shrugged. "You've no reason to be sorry. It was fun."
Sing arched his eyebrows. "Fun?"
"Yeah," Yut-Lung said, their breaths forming clouds in the icy air. Wind rattled the building. Sing grimaced. "Almost like—like I imagine normal people to be able to talk. Seeing it. It's nice to know it exists. And sex can be fun for people."
Shit. Sing winced. "Well, you said it yourself. Doesn't count, then."
"It does with Shorter." Yut-Lung tossed him a smile. "And it doesn't really matter, does it?"
Cain's words lingered. "I think it does, if it does to you," Sing said quietly.
Yut-Lung swallowed. "Well, just—be responsible whenever you get the chance. Because if you get a summer job this year girls will be all over you. And guys." He poked Sing's bicep. "Remember, you don't want to end up like me." He waved. "Good night, Sing Soo-Ling."
Sing watched him go. With an STD, no.
But otherwise, would that really be so bad to be like Yut-Lung?