Emerald here. Look, it's not like this story's on any kind of schedule or anything. It's not like anyone's expecting it to be updated by any time, or else you would have lynched us long ago.

It's official, I can't write crack. Which I think is a good thing, because if Draye was writing this chapter she might have Greed and Ed get into a bitchfight about something stupid like stalking. Wait…

Since we (I) decided to get some plot covered, this chapter focuses solely on Ed. Oh yay. My excitement knows no bounds.

Chapter 11: Stalkerisms

"See anything interesting?"

Eragon turned to face him. "Not really, I thought I saw a bird, but then again-"

Darkness

--

Oldest one in the proverbial goddamn book… was the first thing Ed thought upon waking up. Because really, it was. 'Oh I heard a noise but I didn't see anything so it must be nothing!' and then WHAP you're captured. This, apparently, worked every fucking time.

Through his own throbbing headache, Ed heard movement to his left and looked in that direction; it seemed Eragon was awake. Oh joy. The old geezer was still out; Ed noticed that all their arms were tied together, his in such a way that he couldn't clap his hands to do any alchemy.

Now Ed made the mistake of looking directly in front of him, because whatever it was looking at him, it was WAY too close, and Ed went cross-eyed trying to see it properly. "Um. Move?" he said, not too politely. The thing, whatever it was, moved back a little, and now Ed saw that it was a…well, he still didn't know what it was. So he did what any scientist would do and asked.

"What the hell are you?!" Out the corner of his eye Ed saw Eragon laughing silently until something pushed the Ra'zac out of the way.

"I know, aren't they weird?" said the pusher. "But hey, now I'm here!" The person was revealed to be none other than Greed, who smiled at Ed innocently.

Ed was quiet for a few seconds while he tried to think of something to say. Eventually he replied with "I'm sorry, I just don't think of you that way."

"…Whuh?"

"Well, you homunculi must be in love with me or something because you're STALKING ME!" Ed glared at Greed, who looked back at him with an expression of pure horror.

"What? EW! No! You're a weird human, and I'm not gay! Augh!" Greed rubbed his forehead in what could have only been an attempt to block some horrible mental images.

"You're imagining it, though," Ed pointed out with obvious glee. "I really am sorry. Try someone else. Eragon, maybe."

"Shut up!" Greed glared some more.

"Hey!" Eragon was just confused.

"I'll have you know that I happen to hate you quite a lot!" insisted Greed.

Ed was in Sarcasm Mode; his happy place, so to speak. "Yes, and that's why you captured my brother solely for the purpose of meeting me. Because you hate me. Naturally."

"WOULD YOU STOP IT!"

One Ra'zac looked at the other. "Why do we work with him again?"

The other shrugged. "Hissss majessty'sss ordersss."

Eragon was putting two and two together. "Is he like that woman and the boy?"

"Hey." Greed turned to look at Eragon. "I'm much cooler than they are. Don't even try to put us on the same level."

Ed scratched a transmutation circle into the ground; if he couldn't clap his hands, he could always resort to alchemy the old-fashioned way. "You're just as stalkerish as them, though," he said as he touched the circle and untied himself and Eragon. "Let me handle him, your sword won't work."

As Eragon went to deal with the Ra'zac in whatever way he saw fit, Ed and Greed faced off. Seeing as there were no women around, Greed turned into his Ultimate Shield form.

"What's that?" asked Eragon. While he was staring at Greed, he failed to notice as the Ra'zac were suddenly hit with some arrows. Ed rolled his eyes. "Are you going to keep staring at him or save the geezer's sorry ass?"

"Well it's not like you could kill me or anything, midget," muttered Greed.

"DON'T! CALL! ME! SHORT!" screamed Ed, turning his arm into a spear and running at Greed. The homunculus just stood there, until he realized that Ed probably remembered how to fight him from their previous encounter.

"Aww, crap," said Greed as Ed's automail arm buried itself in his ribcage. "You killed me, dammit."

"Good!" said Ed, still seething over the 'midget' comment. "Now get back here so I can do it again and again and again, because THAT IS WHAT I DO TO PEOPLE WHO CALL ME A MICROSCOPIC FRUIT FLY!"

"I never called you that!"

"WELL YOU MEANT TO!" Ed repeatedly stabbed Greed in various places as the homunculus tried to reason with him.

"You aren't making any sense!"

"You are a hater of vertically-challenged people!"

Greed smacked his forehead, but before he could retort the Ra'zac grabbed his arms and began dragging him away.

Ed stared. "Wait! We're not done fighting!" Down the road, Greed was making the same protests.

"Too bad! We're done here! We will meet again, Ridersss!" hissed the Ra'zac. Ed rolled his eyes at the cliché of the statement, but gave Greed a parting shot— "See you soon, stalker!"

"I AM NOT YOUR STALKER!"

"YES YOU ARE!" And with an exasperated sigh, Ed returned his attention to his travelling companions, and noticed that there was a new person among them. Actually, this new person happened to be the only conscious one besides Ed and the dragons, so naturally the diminutive alchemist took the obvious assumption that this was an enemy.

"So who are you, exactly?" said Ed as he walked up to the man.

"I'm Murtagh. What the hell kind of arm is that?" asked Murtagh, pointing to Ed's automail.

Ed smacked his forehead. "It's automail, can we please skip this whole exchange where you wonder what it is and I get pissed off that you're asking so many questions?"

"Um…sure. Can you please stop pointing that spear thing on your arm at me?"

"No." Ed continued to wave his arm in Murtagh's face. "What are you doing here?"

Mercury flapped over and landed on Ed's head. He's our friend! She began chewing on Ed's hair, as she seemed to always do whenever she was on someone's head.

"Why do you do that?" he asked irritably.

Why do you care? she replied, munching away.

"Where did that dragon come from?" asked a shocked Murtagh.

"How come everyone's passed out?"

Not everyone, just Eragon and Brom, interjected Saphira. And I'll have you stop this petty squabbling, now. This was emphasized with a growl and she flexed her claws.

Ed muttered something that probably wasn't very nice under his breath, and Mercury giggled. "So what's wrong with them, anyway?" he said aloud.

"Well, the old man, Brom did you say? He took a knife for Eragon," began Murtagh. "Eragon just seems to have passed out."

Wuss, said Mercury cheerfully as she moved on to Murtagh's hair. He swatted her away, to no avail.

"This is going to be a nightmare, isn't it?" muttered Murtagh.

"Oh, you haven't seen anything yet." Ed smiled. "Just wait till you start travelling with us."

It could have been longer, I freely admit that (so I don't want any reviewers telling me it was too short). I just had to post this chapter before it drove me insane.

Death Note Owner13: ha ha ha indeed.

sock monkeys: it comes with the internet. And the coffee. And the insomnia! I should probably go to sleep sometime before midnight.

Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: you're welcome!

CrimsonKitsune333: ah, crack. Without it, fanfiction would be forever stuck in the romance genre.

Half Human Homunculi: you're very welcome.

Well, you're out of my hands now. Let's see Draye get you through Brom's death.