Anri- Belgium
…
Some silly Harry Potter au stuff. Very silly stuff.
Warning for inappropriate jokes and terrible pick-up lines I found on the interwebs. Based on a post on otpprompts.
…
"I really don't know what you see in him," Anri commented, "the man's a complete arse!" She ate another spoonful of soup, sat amongst other Hufflepuffs eating lunch and hurriedly finishing homework. Across the table, Katya nodded in agreement.
"Oh he's not so bad," Érzsebét reasoned, "he can be quite funny, once you get to know him. Heck, he is rather charming too!"
"Charming? You have to be joking!" Anri wrinkled her nose and glared at the boy in question, sitting by himself at the other end of the great hall at the Slytherin table.
"I've talked to him a few times," said Érzsebét, "and he was rather nice, although he does have this problem where he thinks he's God's gift to this world and better than everyone."
"Just a little thing?" Anri smirked, "sounds like he needs taking down a peg or two."
"I want to ask him out," Érzsebét continued, deciding to ignore her friend's comment, "but what if he's a dick about it?"
Anri paused before speaking, a slow smile spreading across her face."
"I think I might have an idea…"
…
Roderich crossed the entrance hall briskly, robes fluttering as he went. He liked to leave for class early, mostly because after five years at Hogwarts, he still didn't know his way around and getting lost had long stopped being a valid excuse as far as his teachers were concerned.
There were few people in the hall, most still eating their lunch, and he loved the peace and quiet of it all.
Until it was broken horrendously.
"IF YOU WERE A DEMENTER, I'D BECOME A CRIMINAL JUST TO GET YOUR KISS!"
Roderich screeched, jumping in the air and wheeling round to find a howler floating in front of his face. Someone apparently was too impatient to wait for him to open it, and had enchanted it to fly after him instead. Just as he caught sight of it, the thing shouted at him again.
"YOUR SMILE IS LIKE EXPELLIAMUS: SIMPLE BUT DISARMING!"
"Are you implying that I'm simple?" Roderich spluttered, before realising there was no point in trying to argue with a howler. He turned to run but the thing pursued him, shouting increasingly more lewd and ridiculous comments at him.
"I'VE BEEN WHOMPING MY WILLOW THINKING ABOUT YOU!"
"Piss off!" There was something about the voice that was familiar to Roderich, but he couldn't quite place it.
"INTERESTED IN MAKING SOME MAGIC TOGETHER? MY WAND IS AT THE READY!"
"Merlin's pants!" he swore, turning into another corridor and trying to ignore the laughs of other students.
"GOING TO BED? MIND IF I SLYTHERIN?"
He finally reached his classroom, diving through the door and slamming it shut behind him. The teacher stared at him curiously, but he said nothing as he shuffled into his seat.
But the peace didn't last long, because not even a minute later, another student walked in, and the bloody howler followed through the open door.
"IS THAT A WAND IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST PLEASED TO SEE ME?"
"What's all this about?" asked Tsvetan, the student who just entered, sitting down next to Roderich.
"Some moron is sending me pick up lines via howler," he moaned back, burying his head in his hands. Tsvetan burst out laughing, but before he or the teacher could say anything more, the howler caught fire, ashes dribbling onto Roderich's desk and he sighed in relief.
"Hopefully that'll be the last of it," he muttered, glaring at the still-laughing Tsvetan.
"Sounds like something Alin would do to me," he commented, "although I doubt it's him since he's taken." Tsvetan grinned at that.
"Maybe it was him and he's decided to go for a classier boy instead?"
His friend just shook his head as more students began filing in, and Roderich hoped none of them had seen him running down the corridor. He heard a few giggles, but the teacher soon silenced them.
Finally, Tsvetan stopped giggling himself, but the moment he glanced over at Roderich, his face crumpled and it started all over again.
And Roderich just wondered why he as friends with the guy.
…
"Go on, open it!"
Roderich shot Tsvetan a poisonous glare, then returned that glare to the envelope in front of him, which was starting to hiss as the faintest traces of smoke emitted from the corners.
"You don't exactly have a choice," Alin added, curling up closer to Tsvetan to enjoy the upcoming show.
The trio were sitting on one of the sofas in the Slytherin common room, where Roderich had attracted quite a crowd ever since Natalya had entered clutching a red envelope from an apparent friend she refused to name. Even now, the girl was watching with mild interest from an armchair, the tiniest of smirks on her lips.
"Was it you?" Roderich hissed at her; "do you keep sending me howlers?"
"Of course not," she replied, "I only have eyes for one person and that isn't you." Natalya winked at Ivan- who was standing behind the sofa leaning on Tsvetan- and the taller man gave a squeak.
"I'm just joking, bro!" she added, and Ivan relaxed slightly.
"Open it!" Tsvetan hissed, and Roderich realised he had no choice. With trembling fingers, he prized open the envelope.
"DO YOU WANT TO HEAD TO THE SHRIEKING SHACK? WE COULD DO SOME SHRIEKING OF OUR OWN!"
The whole common room roared with laughter and Roderich blushed all the way to the tips of his ears. Oh whoever did this would surely be made to pay for it!
"WELL WE KNOW YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT A MUGGLE, BECAUSE YOUR ASS IS MAGICAL!"
More laughter, and Alin leaned over and patted Roderich's shoulder.
"I'd love to know who sent this," he spluttered.
"So would I," Roderich replied, sinking lower into the sofa.
"SAVE A BROOM, RIDE A QUIDDITCH PLAYER!"
And that was it. Tsvetan was actually rolling on the floor laughing.
"You are a very lucky man," Gilbert commented, settling down on the arm of the sofa, "I wish someone would do something as awesomely hilarious to me! I would marry them on the spot!"
"LET ME SLYTHERIN YOUR GRFFENDOOR!"
"Would you like to go out with this one then?" Roderich offered.
"Hell no! I know who sent it and they're not really my type. You two would go well together though."
"WANNA EXPLORE MY CHAMBER OF SECRETS?"
"Really?" Roderich raised an eyebrow, "does it look like I have the same humour as them?"
"This has their friends written all over it! The person themselves is a bit more… calm."
"BEING WITHOUT YOU IS LIKE BEING AFFLICTED WITH THE CRUCIATUS CURSE!"
"And do I know them?" Roderich asked.
"Yeah, actually."
"YOU ARE LIKE A BOTTLE OF SKELE-GRO: YOU'RE GROWING ME A BONE!"
"Sounds like someone you would be friends with," he commented, and Gilbert laughed.
"I am, in a way."
"I COULD MAKE YOU SCREAM LOUDER THAN A MANDRAKE!"
And with that, the howler burst into flames, ashes crumbling into a heap on his lap.
"Aw," Alin said, "is it over already? I was having a great time!"
"Yeah," agreed Tsvetan, pulling himself up off the floor, "you're a lucky guy to have someone that funny like you."
"Lucky?" Roderich wrinkled his nose, "you're all laughing at me now!"
"With you, friend, with you."
"Really?"
"Yes!" Tsvetan grinned, "we're happy your secret admirer could provide us with a decent laugh for once!"
"Oh?" Roderich gave a small smile, "err… happy to help!"
He stood up, brushed the ash from his lap and trotted briskly over to Natalya, who was once again regarding him with boredom.
"Yes?" she drawled, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, now will you tell me who sent that?"
Natalya smiled. "She's outside."
Roderich darted from the common room and into the corridor. The dungeons were dimly lit and it took him a few moments to spot her, hiding nervously in the shadows.
"You?" he exclaimed before bursting into laughter, "I should've known!"
Érzsebét grinned in relief and decided to join him. "You're not angry then?"
"I was a bit, but no one's being mean about it so I guess I can laugh about the whole thing," his smile fell slightly, "even if the contents of those howlers were wildly inappropriate."
"Anri's idea," said Érzsebét quickly.
"Should've known," Roderich thought for a moment, "so… if you were planning on sending me a howler… what would you have decided to put in it instead?"
"That you're cute, and have a nice smile," Érzsebét flushed nervously, "and I like your voice."
"You do?" Roderich frowned, "everyone says it's too nasally."
"Well I like it. I think it's… interesting."
"Interesting? I'm not sure I'd like a howler screaming that my voice is… interesting."
"And you have a nice nose!"
"I do?"
"Yes." Érzsebét leaned forward and placed a small kiss saod nose. "So, fancy going on a date then?"