Life was mysterious, wonderful, terrifying, convenient, and inconvenient, all at once. Or perhaps it was all in accordance to fate and its fickle nature, as one moment you're given a boon and the next you're wondering if the situation could possibly get any worse (and then cursing yourself for issuing a blatant challenge). Life was fragile, despite the heavy armor some man wore, and fate would be exceptionally cruel with little to no reason at all.
Casualties were a constant when it came to warfare. Lü Meng was taught this but he never truly understood it until Sun Ce had made their march into Wujun. The moment they crossed into Jiangdong, Lü Meng was thrust right into the fray, as Ling Cao had a reputation of being the first to storm the fields and given that he was his charge, Lü Meng would follow after him. In a way, he was grateful for the horse thief's action that night, as it granted him a horse and made keeping up with Ling Cao's charge slightly easier.
And what a horse Ying was! It seemed his efforts had managed to endear the ornery horse to him. It took him no time at all to get a saddle on him and break him in, though he had noted that the horse kept most of its unfriendly quirks and was merely using the man as a means to express its deep rooted rage. An outlet, Sun Ce had told him when he explained the situation to his lord once. The grey stallion, named Ying by his owner, had a serious chip on his shoulder, and he used battle as a means of unleashing that aggression and furious energy, and Lü Meng allowed it. Any help they could get in this campaign was welcomed, even if it came from hooves and teeth.
Now, more than ever, he was grateful for acquiring Ying, as though he was not the swiftest of their horses, he kept Ling Cao and his horse in sights, as they rushed the fields. Ling Cao was a stressful teacher to have, as most, if not all of his lessons came in the moment, and Lü Meng was finding those moments were in the heat of battle. It made keep an eye on him and keeping himself alive a bit of a problem, but at least his lessons stuck. Think only of the battle. When it came to life and death, it didn't matter what was on the enemy's mind except that they wanted you dead, and that you had to make them dead first. And with Ling Cao's unrelenting offensive, the enemy would find itself either dead or confused, which left them free game for those that came behind him. Zhou Yu called it a 'blitz', or a 'hit-and-run'. Lü Meng called it 'good work' since he was usually part of that sweep up crew.
He should have been annoyed by this, considering it took the glory away from him, but after the first few blitz and the carnage left behind that Lü Meng had fought through, he found that being part of the sweep wasn't bad. Before, he fought bandits, scoundrels, low lives that preyed off of men like him and those of Fupo. Men unworthy of the breath they breathed, the clothes they wore. There was no value in their lives and thus he felt nothing when he tore his weapon through them. But the men he charged against now… bore a different banner. Their armor was better, state issued, their weapons either issued to them or purchased by themselves. They had not struck first- he did, Ling Cao and the rest of Sun Ce's men did. Their blows were backed by a need to survive, to defend a land they called their own, not to steal and plunder. It made the first few battles a nightmare for Lü Meng to fight through, but Ling Cao offered him safe advice.
'Don't think. Just react. Act. Before they act against you.'
Shutting off his mind and simply thinking of the battle at hand did help to some extent. He would eventually stop noticing the subtle differences in the armor between what bandits wore and what the enemy here wore. The quality and origins of the weapons meant nothing when they were going to be used to take a life anyways. Eventually, he wouldn't even notice faces, as he found that if he followed Ling Cao's lead and rushed in for the kill, he would be moving too fast to absorb the looks of fear or horror that so many wore when they saw their deaths coming for them.
This was the life of a soldier, and he had volunteered for this. He willingly put himself here. This was what he was meant to do with his life, he decided. Did it matter who his enemy was, when he knew that they would attempt to kill him all the same? Kill or be killed. He learned that fast.
He also learned to keep his eyes on Ling Cao and not let his gaze wander for too long, as he cast his gaze in front of him and could not see either him, his spiked mace in mid swing, nor his horse among the crowd.
That wasn't good.
What also wasn't good was the shout he heard from behind, causing him to twist his head around and immediately spotting the warrior that now rushed past and cut through their ranks. He ignored the soldiers in his path and those unfortunate enough to try and stop him were met with a blow from those reinforced steel rods he carried. He made his gallant charge alone, and his target? Sun Ce. Lü Meng didn't need to get a good look at the heavily armored warrior to know who he was and he sneered the man's name, as he pulled on the reins and changed course to intercept him. "Taishi Ci."
There were few among their enemy that continued to oppose them, but the undisputed champion among them was the warrior named Taishi Ci. Lü Meng had encountered the man multiple times throughout the campaign, but those encounters had always been brief, only in passing, and now Lü Meng was determined to make sure he would not make it to his lord again. Wherever Ling Cao was, he'd understand.
Ying, sensing his master's urgency, did not once balk or offer resistance to the sudden change of directions and it did not take long for either man to reach their desired target. One of the heavy rods he wielded was crashing down to crush Sun Ce but not only had the Sun lord deflect the blow but Lü Meng had made his pass, thrusting his glaive forward and attempting to strike his exposed flank. There was no opening in the man's armor and the glaive merely bounced off and the noise alerted Taishi Ci to his oncoming assailant. A single swing had succeeded in dismounting Lü Meng, but he wasn't going down alone. He latched onto the weapon and threw off of his weight against it, and even a man as strong as Taishi Ci had little choice but to go down with him. They fell into a heap at Sun Ce's feet and Lü Meng efforts to recover were hindered by the massive man he had taken down. Taishi Ci's horse fled to a safe distance and Ying had likely trotted around them, seeking to terrorize any that dared get near them, so the fear of being trampled by multiple hooves was off his mind. No, now all he had to concern himself with was putting himself in between his lord and their enemy.
He rose to his feet with a roll and took his stance, the rush of adrenaline preventing that twinge in his side from making its presence felt as he rose his glaive to strike. Sun Ce was quick to check him, moving a tonfa over his chest and reversing the position in a heartbeat. Lü Meng dared not take his eyes off of the enemy completely, missing Sun Ce's expression as he gave an order. "Back down, Lü Meng. I can handle this guy."
He wanted to argue and he tried, even as soldiers on both sides began to circle them, making it clear that there would be another duel between the young Sun lord and Taishi Ci. He had faith in his lord's abilities and had known them to have draw twice before, but who knew how long that luck would hold out. How was he expected to stand by and allow his lord to just waltz into danger like this?
"You're not my bodyguard anymore, remember?" Sun Ce snapped when he didn't move, and while there was no anger in his voice, he could not deny the authoritative tone in it. By now, Taishi Ci was ready, his twin rods raised and neither jeering or provoking his enemies. He stood poised and ready, waiting patiently for Lü Meng to step aside. Still Lü Meng hesitated and Sun Ce pitched his voice softer, kinder, to contrast the rising tension that threatened to suffocate them. "I got this. I need you to tend to the vanguard with Ling Cao. That's an order."
Damn Sun Ce. He knew Lü Meng could not disobey a direct order, nor had he ever figured out his riddle. It was part of being a soldier, he reminded himself, and he tried to feed his anger to combat the shame that gnawed at his innards. All it took was a whistle and Ying was galloping towards him, slowing down only long enough for Lü Meng to grab the reins and practically glide onto the saddle. He gave his lord a parting glance but nothing more, his retreat masked only by the clashing of weapons that commenced once he was gone and no one else would interfere.
When he caught up with Ling Cao's unit, he spotted the gaping hole that the warrior left in his wake, and the enemy that had been fortunate to avoid the man's endless assault began to try and fill in those gaps. To someone like him who had the chance to see the formation from afar, he could see the danger that closed in on the ranks, but to those now caught in the chaos, he could imagine just how easy it would have been to panic when their were suddenly enemies on each side. And among those officers he could see the familiar banner of Deng Dang, Fa Shi, and the rest of his unit from Runan. He didn't know what the formation was, but he knew enough to know that it was bad…
"Hold your position!" Someone shouted, and Ying protested with an angered whinny when another horseman pulled alongside him suddenly. A few pats to his thick neck had calmed him for the moment and Lü Meng recognized the man. He was the one that Zhou Yu had returned with and he had helped him back to his feet after he cut the horse's saddle. Lu Su… he thought so. He was considerably taller than him and rather hefty looking for a man that tended to maps and scrolls. And yet, he still managed to catch that rather condescending look in his eyes, a common trait for any man that called themselves a strategist, it seemed. "If you rush in now, you'll break our own formation. Wait."
"But our men…"
Lü Meng would eventually learn not to argue with a strategist, especially when it came to matters of warfare. "They're doing exactly what they're suppose to. Captain Deng Dang's unit will keep a tight formation and once they are completely surrounded, they'll-"
"Get slaughtered?"
Lü Meng couldn't stand this. How could anyone just stand back and watch the brewing of a catastrophe and not be expected to act? He was ready to rush in but Lu Su somehow managed to catch him again.
"As if we'd allow that, now settle down. You're just as impossible as he keeps making you out to be…" He blocked Lü Meng with his horse and though Ying protested, it kept the horse and his even more restless man in place. Lü Meng didn't need to ask who he was talking about and it would figure Zhou Yu's resentment of him would spread to others. Once again, Lu Su was trying to explain it to him, but what did Lü Meng care? One of their soldiers fell and Lü Meng nearly panicked. Did he know the man? Did it matter? An ally was an ally, and they were in danger. He pressed his heels to Ying's flanks and the horse was more than ready, and this time, Lu Su could not catch him.
He shouted after him but Lü Meng heard nothing over the pounding hooves and the roar of the mob he was rapidly approaching. His weapon was drawn and primed and he wasted no time in cutting through the enemy ranks, pressing forward until he became too thick to proceed any further. Not even Ying's aggressive approach could pull them from this quagmire, but he fought on, swinging his weapon in wide arcs and repelling enemy blades but never digging into either armor or flesh. If he had his wits about him, he would have had enough breath to curse himself, but all of his energy went into keeping himself and his horse alive and mounted. He wasn't even looking for an opening now, much less thinking about reaching their surrounded men…
He felt something dig into the plating on his back and turned to see the soldier that now tried to dismount him, but his efforts were in vain. Another horseman had broken through and a single swing from his heavy rake shattered the wooden hilt of the spear, thus freeing Lü Meng and throwing the officer back and into the crowd behind him. There was no chance to thank his savior before Lu Su snatched the reins from his hands and forced Ying back into a run. The grey horse nor its rider offered much resistance at this point. Lu Su spoke tersely but never raised his voice, despite the confusion around them and Lü Meng was surprised he could even hear him over the mad thumping of his own heart in his ears. "Don't you ever do that again. Now, follow my lead."
What choice did Lü Meng have now? He went against this man's orders once before and look where that got him! He was too breathless to say anything and merely nodded, taking back his reins when they were offered to him again and trying to recapture a fraction of that courage that he had moments ago to little luck. He was such a fool to ride off on his own…
That thought ran through his head many times throughout the day and later on into the evening, almost to the point he was all too consumed by it. The battle was over, though how, Lü Meng wasn't sure. Oh, he remembered the event, from when Lu Su took the lead and so forth, but he didn't understand what had happened. He told himself it didn't matter how, so long as they won, and yet he could not shut his brain off. He didn't understand, and he hated that he didn't understand.
What he did understand, though, besides that Zhou Yu was right and that he was an idiot, was that they did suffer losses today. He was thrown into even more turmoil to know who was among those that had fallen. He had a feeling in his gut, from the moment he witnessed it on the outskirts with Lu Su, he knew that the man he saw fall was Fa Shi, though his brain had tried to mask this for so long until his body was recovered and was laid with the rest. Sun Ce would commence with the proper memorial service soon, but Lü Meng wasn't sure he could stomach it.
As brief and straightforward as these events were, they always felt… wrong to Lü Meng. He wouldn't cry, as he was certain all of those were shed when Chin passed, but he felt something stir within him, something dark and it would horrify him to the point that he would be the first one to bolt out of the ceremony when they were dismissed. He would be filled so much restless energy that he would either go train or dive into whatever mundane but laborious task that needed to be done. He was a soldier now. Death on the battlefield was ideal, not not inevitable. How was he expected to react?
He didn't know the answer, and he did not look for one. Today was no different. When Sun Ce dismissed those in attendance, Lü Meng practically flew from the congregation and looked for something to busy himself with, but his efforts were dashed when Deng Dang caught him.
"Talk to me, brother."
Deng Dang never shouted, never raised his voice, even when he had every right to. Especially now when it was apparent that Lü Meng wanted nothing to do with it. If he had screamed or even struck him, he wouldn't have blamed him. After all, Fa Shi was his second, a loyal and dependable soldier, and most of all a friend. If anyone had a reason to lash out, it would be Deng Dang.
Lü Meng held his tongue, which only caused Deng Dang to try even harder. "Meng, please. Talk to me."
He never begged before. He'd usually do this pseudo-order thing, not to much an officer seniority but something akin to an older sibling pushing their authority onto a younger. But he'd never beg before. It was that desperation he heard in his voice that made Lü Meng give in though unwillingly. "What do you want to talk about?"
He knew what. He was an idiot, but he at least knew that much. He wanted to talk about Fa Shi, but Lü Meng wasn't ready, nor did he think he would ever be. He spared him from having to broach the subject, however. He owed his brother-in-law that much. "I'm sorry. About Fa Shi."
"Yeah… yeah, me too," Deng Dang said, whatever relief he may have felt knowing he wouldn't have to pry his brother-in-law to talk was for naught, as one had to be heartless not to hear the anguish he tried to desperately hide. "But he went down swinging so at least he has that. And we came out victorious so his death isn't in vain. That's always good."
Lü Meng was certain that Deng Dang was merely grasping at something, anything to justify his comrade's death and for now, Lü Meng let him have it. He had done this with Chin before and now Lü Meng had no heart to speak against him, or even speak at all. He offered him a nod and nothing more. Apparently, that wasn't good enough. "What's on your mind?"
To that, Lü Meng snorted, his sorrow barely hiding his resentment. "Nothing. Nothing's ever on my mind."
Hadn't Zhou Yu already stressed this? Didn't Lu Su confirm it? It was something he didn't want to think about, and so he wouldn't. Or would not have, if Deng Dang would just leave him be! "Okay, fine, since you're going to be that way. What's in your heart?"
"My heart?"
"How are you feeling? You claim to have nothing in your head, so there are only three other places for your thoughts to go. Next stop is the heart."
There was a hint of mirth in that response, but it was strained, forced, meant to mask the depths of his pain, and for his sake, he gave in again. "I feel… like I messed up. Had I not been distracted by Taishi Ci, I could have kept up and provided support. Maybe had protected Fa Shi."
His brother-in-law mulled over Lü Meng's confession and let out a sigh. Was he thinking the same thing? A thought struck his weakened conscience. Did Deng Dang blame him? Could he have saved Fa Shi? A sudden weight on his shoulder forced him from his sudden but brief panic attack and Deng Dang's smile was filled with nothing short of pity. "Had you kept up with Ling Cao, you'd still have left us in the dust and you'd just be looking at it from another end. And had you not intercepted Taishi Ci, or lord may have been in real danger. Had you been with us, you would have been in the same position as us. Who knows… maybe you have have been killed and then your family would have hung me over the nearest river and left me to the alligators."
It was a terrible attempt at humor and even Deng Dang knew it. "Ah, it sounded funnier in my head. But there was no guarantee that your being there or holding your position would have made a difference at that point. Fa Shi didn't fall because we were a single man short or because of a faulty position out our end. The enemy simply got the better of him. Or he got unlucky. That's how it is sometimes, but he went down with a fight, not a whimper. Something not many of us have the luxury of."
"I don't think dying in battle is really something we should call a luxury," Lü Meng said flatly, regretting to speak on the contrary for what Deng Dang had said but at least he knew he could be honest with him and not be ridiculed to hell and back. "What is so luxurious about dying on a battlefield?"
Deng Dang wore a look that chilled Lü Meng to his bones and there was something about it that terrified him more than any enemy he had faced thus far. Even his near disastrous solo run that Lu Su pulled him from had affected him as much as seeing that haunted look in his gaze. Never before had he ever considered the age difference between them as though he called him brother, he was near old enough to be his own father. Never had he thought Deng Dang looked so old, so weathered, until now. "Compared to illness, writhing away, aware that you're death is on its way and getting to see your family struggling to cope, wanting you to just… die and get it over with. Few things worse in this world than to be on your deathbed, waiting for your last breath and feeling nothing but resentment of those around you that get to live, then the guilt that they'll be forced to live on without you and knowing you can't comfort them. Granted, wanting to die quickly just to avoid all of that could be considered selfish, but… wanting someone else to linger on in pain is just as selfish, right? They'll grieve either way, and you won't be there to comfort them."
It was certainly a mouthful and it struck home. Chin died like that, or at least he had imagined it went like that. Admittedly, he was so absorbed in his own turmoil that he didn't think of it like that… and he didn't want to. He felt himself want to choke on his own words, but he managed to fight it down. Somehow. "Yeah… I suppose dying quickly in battle… would be a lot better than that. Even if it is selfish..."
"So yeah, not many people get the luxury of getting the choice of how and when they'll go. I mean, it'd be nice, but life doesn't always work out that way." And just like that, that haunted look dispersed and he actually looked… relieved, almost. Why? Hell if he knew, but anything that wasn't that dark and haunted expression from before was better in Lü Meng's mind. "I'll go say a few more prayers for him. Wish him a safe journey. Would you like to join me now that there isn't a crowd there?"
Was that it? Was it the crowd that made him so uncomfortable at these things? Somehow he doubted it, and he wasn't sure how to respond. It was his duty to go. He owed it to Fa Shi to go and pray for his soul, along with the others that had fallen this day. But something did not want him to go, and the question fluttered in and out of his mind a few times, but never managed to filter through to his mouth until now. "Brother, you know he's the one that caught me that night… when I killed Yu Mao, right?"
Deng Dang nodded.
"Did… he ever tell you why he told me to run away instead of apprehending me?"
This caused Deng Dang's face to twist into a confused expression and his question did not bode well for Lü Meng at all. "He never told you?"
Lü Meng shook his head and once again, the sorrow he barely contained threatened to break free and consume him. "No."
"He never told me, even when I asked." He could tell that he didn't want to tell him, but both of them respected each other enough to know that there could be nothing but honesty between them. "I figured you would have asked him after… nevermind. I'm sorry, I don't know why. Whatever his reason, he took it with him. I wish he'd told me, if only to give you some closure on that."
It was crushing to Lü Meng to know that. He had never thought to ask Fa Shi such a simple question, and why? What answer could Fa Shi had possibly given to him that justified him avoiding the question for so long, he wondered, though now it hardly mattered. Now, he'd never know. The hand that remained on his shoulder grew tight and was meant to offer him some solace, and it did, surprisingly. Even if only a little. "Come on, Meng. Pray with me. For his spirit, and your conscience. You'll feel better afterwards. I promise."
Lü Meng didn't think it possible, but he wouldn't argue with him. Deng Dang needed this, and so did he, apparently. He was told that souls would linger in between realms if they were tethered by another's conscience and did Lü Meng truly want to subject Fa Shi's spirit to that fate? Even if this would not sooth himself, he would for it for Fa Shi. Free him, as he had done for him years ago…
It was almost poetic, Lü Meng thought to himself, following Deng Dang back into the tent. Far more than anything else that Lü Meng thought he could come up with again. He cast the thought aside and steeled himself, hoping that Deng Dang's hunch was correct. How mortifying would it have been to suffer an anxiety attack now? As if Deng Dang needed more on his plate! For now, he'd pray, in hopes of granting Fa Shi release and clearing his mind… though, he had more hope for the former than the latter by this point.
It had turned out that Deng Dang was right in his hunch. Few officers and family members still lingered in the tent, but no where near as full as it once was. The energy in the air was sullen, thick and heavy like the incense that were lit, but it wasn't stifling as before. He stuck close to Deng Dang, in hopes of siphoning whatever strength his brother-in-law had as they made their way through. The young officer kept his gaze forward and pinned to a single spot on Deng Dang's back. It was so that he couldn't see the faces of the fallen. It was so that he wouldn't be reminded of the fate that awaited him should he fail. He could have been among them and it was hard to push the thought aside… at least, until they reached Fa Shi's station.
From what little he chose to see, he was… peaceful. Clean, nothing at all like a man that had fallen during battle. He didn't look to see if others were given the same treatment, and he was careful in how he knelt, making certain not to disturb a single effect that was left, out of both respect and fear for impeding their journey. Once he was settled in, it was easy… he didn't know how much his prayers would matter, but that didn't hinder him in the least. Perhaps he couldn't save Fa Shi's life and perhaps he'd never know why he didn't turn him in, but praying for a safe journey for his soul was what he -could- do for him? Then he'd do it with gusto.
Time passed. Lü Meng had finished his prayers before Deng Dang but he dared not utter a word or move to disturb his brother-in-law from his heartfelt prayers. He had felt considerably better, though whatever comfort he obtained was at risk when he risked a glance to Deng Dang. His face was contorted with anguish and he turned away to spare him the shame of allowing another to see the tears that threatened to fall. And his final words before ending his prayer offered him no solace at all… "And guide him… when I cannot."