Chapter 11: On That Day…

Shepard was barely halfway back to her room when she started regretting trying to walk back. Her thigh throbbed painfully and she was panting as if she had run a marathon. Each time she set the cane down her arm trembled with fatigue. She was no longer even trying to look like she was walking, she shuffled painfully and exhausted.

Shepard finally turned the corner to the hallway that led to her hospital wing. She hissed as her thigh went from throbbing to excruciating pain. "It's no more than you deserve," she told herself miserably as she forced herself to keep going. "You picked the fight and this is what you get for your stupidity."

"Shepard," Shepard looked up in startled alarm and saw Chakwas standing in the hall with a wheelchair. "Sit down before you fall down," Chakwas indicated the wheelchair.

Shepard looked down the hallway and set her mouth in a grim line. She had made it all this way and her room was only a hundred yards further. "No," Shepard grunted.

"Shepard," Chakwas started in a placating tone.

"No! I can make it," Shepard gasped stubbornly and started shuffling down the hallway.

Chakwas made a sound like she was about to argue further, but in the end she simply came to Shepard's side and walked with her.

Shepard was practically in tears from pain and fatigue when she finally made it to her room. Chakwas put an arm around her and helped Shepard to the bed. Shepard flopped gratefully into it and tried to catch her breath.

"Did you walk all the way from the apartment?" Chakwas asked as she moved to fill a syringe with painkillers. "You could've done permanent damage to your thigh. Where's Kaidan?"

Shepard successfully suppressed the tears that threatened to come out at the mention of Kaidan. "We…had a fight," she said quietly between pants.

"Oh," Chakwas said quietly and injected the painkillers. "Close your eyes and let the medicine do its job," She told Shepard as she removed her boots.

Shepard nodded and gratefully closed her eyes. She was asleep as soon as the pain started to recede.

Shepard woke to Dr. Chakwas gently shaking her. "Commander," Chakwas said gently. "It's nearly four o'clock. You might want to wake up for dinner."

"Hmmm," Shepard said sleepily as she rubbed her eyes. "What's for dinner?"

"Well, a few of us thought we'd take you down for a special birthday dinner in the cafeteria," Chakwas said with a smile. "You have a couple of hours to get ready."

Shepard gave her friend a smile. "That sounds nice," she said as she glanced over at the cot Kaidan had been using. "Has Kaidan been by?" Shepard asked quietly.

"No, but I expect he'll be at the dinner," Chakwas said as she patted Shepard's arm.

Shepard didn't respond as Chakwas left and she got out of bed. She pulled the box with the pendant out of her skirt pocket and took it out, rubbing it thoughtfully between her fingers. She hoped Kaidan would be there. She felt a flutter of fear at the thought that maybe she had ruined everything for good and he wouldn't come back.

Forcing herself to put those thoughts away she carefully put the pendant on her dog tag chain and limped in to take a shower.

Once she was clean and dressed, Shepard sat in front of the window and waited for dinner. She was more than a little concerned that Kaidan hadn't returned from work yet. It was 1700 already and he was rarely that late in coming back. She thought about calling him, but wasn't sure if she should.

She was startled by her omni-tool beeping with an incoming call. With a mixture of excitement and dread she answered and saw Kaidan's face appear in the vid. He looked tired and stressed and Shepard felt fear grip her stomach.

"Hey, Shepard," Kaidan said quietly.

"Kaidan," she said in a near whisper. "I was getting worried. Are you working late?"

"I, uh," Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck in agitation. "I'm in B.C. My mom collapsed today," he said quietly.

"Oh! Kaidan, is she alright?" Shepard asked in genuine concern.

"Yeah. She will be. The doctors said it was stress and exhaustion. They're keeping her in the hospital for a couple of days," Kaidan said tiredly.

"That's good," Shepard said as she looked at the worry lines creasing Kaidan's face. "It's good that you're able to be there for her."

"Yeah. Uh, look…I'm…" Kaidan started.

"Alenko, don't you dare apologize before I can," Shepard said in a commanding tone. Her voice softened as she continued. "I'm really sorry about this morning. You've been so wonderful. I…I really didn't mean to blow up at you," she finished quietly. "You don't deserve it after all you've done for me."

Kaidan gave her a small grin. "I understand," he said. Shepard grunted and he quickly continued. "No, really. I do understand, Shepard. You're dealing with so much frustration I can't believe you don't dent the walls daily. I shouldn't have left you to get back alone, though."

"Actually, I think it did me good. I'm sore as hell and only have my own stubbornness to blame. But I made it," Shepard said with a mixture of self loathing and pride.

"Em, you didn't walk all the way back?" Kaidan exclaimed worriedly.

"Of course I did," Shepard said tersely. "Although, it didn't resemble anything close to walking by the end." Kaidan gaped at her and she continued. "I know I shouldn't have pushed myself that much; and believe me, Chakwas gave me hell, but I needed it. I needed the chance to do something entirely on my own. I know my limits now and what I need to work on. Despite the physical pain I actually feel a little better."

Kaidan was quiet a moment as he looked at her through the video. "I'm sorry I pushed you so hard this morning, Em. I just want to be with you – married or not, it doesn't matter. If you don't want to get married, that's fine. Just tell me you still want to be with me."

Shepard gave a surprised grunt of laughter. Here she had been terrified that she had chased him away and he was asking for confirmation of her feelings. "Of course I want to be with you," she said with conviction. "And I want to marry you, but…" She paused to try and figure out how to express the jumble of emotions that ate at her. "I think I need to know where I stand first."

Kaidan looked at her in confusion and Shepard ran an exasperated hand over her face. "I don't know how to explain it. Everything feels so…unknown, I guess, right now. I don't know if I'm going to stay in the military. I don't know what I'll do if I don't. I don't know if my leg will get any better," She looked at Kaidan and knew from his expression he could see all her doubt. "I need to know who I am before I can marry you."

Kaidan watched her quietly for a long moment. "I can understand that," he said softly.

Shepard gave a sigh of relief. "Kaidan," she said hesitantly. "Do you think I should take the promotion?"

"Shepard, I can't decide that for you," Kaidan said in a startled voice. "And I won't. That's your decision to make."

"I'm not asking you to make the decision for me," Shepard said quickly. "I wouldn't let you, but I want to know what you think. What do you want? For me? For us?"

Kaidan looked down for a moment and considered his words carefully. "I want to be with you. Truthfully that's all I want, silly as it sounds. I want you to be happy…comfortable with yourself again. Confident, I guess," he looked up at her. "You've lost that, Em."

"Yeah," Shepard said quietly.

"I know you'll get back to the confident, brash, stubborn woman I love. I have no doubts about that. But, would you be happy…feel useful if you retire? I think you'd go stir crazy with nothing to do."

"Oh, trust me. If I retire I'll find some way to occupy myself and keep life interesting," Shepard said with a confident smile.

"Okay, that's not a scary thought at all," Kaidan's voice dripped sarcasm as he laughed.

Shepard laughed with him and damn it felt good. "What effect will it have on us if I take the promotion?"

"Honestly, I'll love you and stay beside you no matter what you chose. HQ already knows about us and they'll assign us accordingly. We could be stationed together as long as you aren't my rater," Kaidan gave a soft sigh. "Shepard, this decision has to be about you and what you want. Active duty or retired, it won't change what's between us."

Shepard gave him a big smile. "Thanks. That's what I needed to hear."

"So what are you going to do?" Kaidan asked earnestly.

"I don't know yet," Shepard answered honestly. "I guess I was a little worried about my decision – whatever it turns out to be – bothering you."

They were both quiet for a long moment. "So…how's B.C? Is it as bad as Vancouver?" Shepard asked quietly.

"Actually, no," Kaidan said softly. "My cousin's orchard is in bloom right now. It's gorgeous, Em. I'll send you some pictures." His face grew pensive. "It's so peaceful here. You can almost forget the Reapers where ever here. I don't understand why mom…"

"I do," Shepard said softly and Kaidan looked at her in confusion. "It's hard to be in a peaceful, relaxing atmosphere when you know how bad it is out there." Her voice caught slightly. "When you think of all the people who were lost, all who are struggling now. It makes you feel horrible not doing something to help."

Kaidan looked at her with wide eyes. "I…I didn't realize," his voice faded as he thought about what she'd said. "Dad's been listed as 'presumed dead'."

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan," Shepard moaned. She wished he was with her so she could touch him and take away some of the pain she saw in his eyes. "That must be so hard on your mom."

"Yeah," Kaidan whispered. "I miss you, Em."

"I miss you, too," Shepard whispered. "But it's good that you're there. Take a few days and just relax, be with your mom and family. You've earned a break from taking care of me."

"Shepard," Kaidan said in a chiding tone.

"Kaidan, truly. You've worked so hard to help keep me going, plus your assignments. You're exhausted and I can see it. I think I need a few days, too. I need to try to rely on myself…see if I can do it." Shepard shrugged in exasperation. "Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah. I think I get it," He gave her a sad smile. "I love you and I'll be back in a few days."

"I love you, too," Shepard smiled at him. "Give my best to your mother."

Shepard sighed and looked back out the window after Kaidan signed off. She felt a mixture of happiness, hope and trepidation for their future. She couldn't quite decide which emotion had the upper hand.

Shepard was lost in thought as she stared out the window when she suddenly felt a heavy hand land on her shoulder. Shepard leapt out of her seat and spun in one movement, her right fist solidly connecting with her attacker's face.

"OW! Hey!"

"Shepard! It's us!"

Shepard stood in a fighting stance and blinked at the two men. "James? Joker?" she huffed as she tried to get her breathing back to normal. "What the fuck…? Why'd you sneak up on me like that?" She made her fists unclench and ordered her arms to lower to her sides. It was difficult to release the fear even after realizing she wasn't being attacked.

"We said hello when we came in, Shepard," Joker said warily as James gingerly touched his jaw.

"Nice shot, Lola," James said as he gave her a grin, then grimaced at the pain it caused.

"Sorry," Shepard mumbled as she picked up her cane from the side of her chair. "You scared the hell out of me."

"We thought we'd take you down to dinner," Joker said easily, but he watched her with concerned eyes.

"I think we'd better get going," Chakwas said from the door as she entered with a wheelchair. "We can't have the Commander be late for her own shindig."

Shepard looked at the wheelchair with irritation, but after her long walk that morning she knew she wasn't up to walking. She blew out a frustrated sigh and sat in the wheelchair.

The four of them talked as they went down to the cafeteria and James pushed her to a back room. Shepard was greeted with a chorus of "Hey, Shepard" and was surprised to see so many of her friends in the room. Engineer Adams, Donnelly and Daniels, Traynor, several crew members from the CIC, Dr. Patel and a couple of her nurses, even the annoyingly happy orderly were there.

"Happy birthday, Shepard," a soft voice said from Shepard's left.

Shepard turned and gaped in surprise. "Miranda!" Shepard gave the woman a big smile. "It's good to see you."

Miranda smiled back. "It's good to see you, too, Shepard."

"Are you ready to take your seat, Commander?" Liara said as she stepped around Miranda.

"Liara! I thought you were out working on the relay," Shepard said as she gripped the hand Liara put out to her.

"I took some leave," Liara said with a small smile.

They got Shepard settled at the middle of the long table and then everyone seemed to look around in confusion.

"Kaidan's with his mother," Shepard said into the quiet room. She swore she could feel a collective sigh from the group as they all started chatting and getting their food.

Chakwas put a huge plate in front of Shepard and James set a large glass in front of her. The large man gave her a smirk. "Tea, only. They wouldn't allow alcohol."

Shepard's reply was interrupted by Admiral Hackett entering the room. Shepard sat up straight and saluted him. "Admiral," she said with a smile. "I'm glad you could come."

"At ease, Commander," Hackett said with a smile. "I wouldn't miss it."

Dinner was a noisy, laughter filled affair. The food was the typical buffet finger food, but the company made up it. Shepard happily joined in with stories and laughter.

There was a huge chocolate cake that everyone happily dug into. Someone put on some music and the people began to stand in clumps talking and laughing. Everyone at some point ended up around where Shepard sat and talked for a while before moving off to another group.

The atmosphere was happy and Shepard looked around at all her friends talking among themselves with a feeling of pride. Contentment. She realized with surprise that she felt truly content for the first time in…well, a very long time.

"Shepard," Liara's said softly as she sat next to Emelia. Everyone else was occupied and it was just the two of them. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself."

Shepard grinned at the Asari. "I really am, Liara." The grin faded a little. "Although I miss…the ones who aren't here." Shepard swallowed the sudden lump in her throat as she thought about Garrus and Anderson.

Liara placed a hand over Shepard's. "I know," she whispered. Liara cleared her throat and looked at Shepard. "I have something for you," she said and pulled an item out of a small bag at her feet before handing it to Shepard.

Shepard looked at the palm-sized red rock and turned it around in her hands. "Tali," Shepard whispered sadly.

"She gave that to me before she left and said she wanted you to have it when you woke up," Liara explained quietly. "She never doubted that you would recover."

Shepard sighed as she stroked the rock she had handed to Tali when they were on Rannock. "I hope they make it home," Shepard said quietly. "They deserve the chance to experience their future."

They sat silently for several long minutes before Liara spoke. "What about your future, Shepard?"

Shepard gave a small, humorless laugh. "I have no idea, Liara. I'm stuck in limbo right now."

"I thought you would stay in the military and take the promotion Hackett offered you," Liara said in surprise.

"I'm not sure I'd be a very good leader with this," Shepard said bitterly as she indicated her left leg.

"You are an exceptional leader, Shepard. Your leg doesn't change that," Liara said dismissively.

"Right. We would've been just fine against Saren if I'd been in this condition," Shepard growled.

"Shepard, you're missing a very important point," Liara said in a tone laced with iron and Shepard looked at her in surprise. "I'm not talking about your leadership on the battlefield. Our successes there were the product of your influence throughout the mission."

Shepard blinked at the Asari in confusion. "I always had a plan, but you saw how well that worked out. Nothing ever goes according to plan. We always ended up adjusting on the battlefield."

"Shepard," Liara said with exasperation and turned to more fully face Shepard. "When we were chasing Saren you took a crew of raw, disjointed aliens and made us a team. You did the same with the Cerberus crew. You started out with a group of mercenaries, psychopaths and lone wolves and you turned them into a cohesive unit. You brought warring races together to fight the Reapers.

"The most effective leading you did took place on the ship. In the training, understanding and empathy you gave everyone in the crew. The power of your conviction that the impossible could be done and that each individual was capable of making it happen; that is what makes everyone who meets you willing to do more than they every thought they could."

Liara took a deep breath and squeezed Shepard's hands. "You don't need to run down the battlefield. You lead by giving those around you direction. By teaching them to use not only their own strengths, but the strengths of those around them. That is leadership. You build trust and that makes them able to fight on the battlefield."

Shepard was struck speechless. She realized that she had heard all of this before. From Chakwas. From Kaidan. From Hackett and even her therapist. All of them had tried to tell her the same thing and all it did was make her feel angry and weak. Liara's words, though, somehow rang true. Shepard suddenly felt stronger…capable.

Shepard blinked back tears as she looked at Liara in admiration. "Thanks," she said shakily. She shook her head as that was so inadequate for what she was feeling.

"My pleasure," Liara said with a smile. "You can do anything, Shepard. Never doubt that." With a final pat of Shepard's hands the Asari got up and moved away.

Shepard didn't have any more time to mull over Liara's words as people starting coming up to say good night. She whole-heartedly thanked each of them and shared promises to keep in touch.

"This was an incredible evening," Shepard said happily when it was down to just her, James and Joker. "Thank you, guys."

"It was Kaidan's idea, actually," Joker said with a scowl that Shepard didn't believe for a second.

"Yeah, but since he's not here we'll accept the credit," James said with a laugh. "Although, it would've been better with tequila."

Shepard looked at James and a huge smile broke out on her face. She felt energized and had no desire to go back to the bland hospital room. "You're absolutely right, James," she said thoughtfully.

"I don't like that smile, Shepard," Joker said in a voice laced with trepidation.

"I'm going out to have a drink and I do recall you saying you'd buy the next round, Vega."

"You can't go out for a drink, Shepard. You haven't been released from the hospital," James reminded her with a scowl.

"I've heard there's an excellent little bar in Rio," Shepard said as she completely ignored James' warning.

"Rio?" Joker practically choked as he said it. "How the hell do you expect to get to Rio?"

"I don't know," Shepard hedged as she gave him a sidelong look. "I'm sitting here with the best pilot in the Alliance and the biggest jarhead in the galaxy. I think we can come up with something."

"Rio?" Joker's voice cracked as he went up an octave.

"Yeah," James drawled as a slow smile drew over his face. "Rio. C'mon, compadre, we owe the Commander some R&R."

"Don't worry, Joker," Shepard said in a condescending tone. "If you're uncomfortable with breaking the rules James and I will find our own way."

"Ah, shit," Joker muttered. "You win, Shepard. I can get us a shuttle in ten minutes."

Shepard broke into a full smile and stood up. "What are we waiting for?"

A/N: Enough with the angst. It's time for a little fun.

Thank you again for all the reviews, favs and alerts. I really appreciate them! Please keep them coming!

I originally had expected this story to be about 6 chapters long, but the characters keep coming up with new things I have to write about. The next chapter I had no idea was coming until I wrote this one.

The next chapter should be up this weekend.