Chapter Eleven: Caroline and Lena

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before
~Edgar Allan Poe

Monday, October 04, 2010

I tapped my pen absentmindedly on the table as I pretended to pay attention to the faculty meeting. I hated Mondays. Especially when I was dying to spend time with Peter, Elle, and my nephew. Chase was without a doubt the most beautiful baby boy on the planet. I posted a picture of him on Twitter Saturday and all of my followers agreed. And I was also anxious to get home and have my dinner date with Caroline and Lena. Caroline texted me earlier and told me she had something really important to talk to me about; she also told me to bring Neal over, and Cassidy was invited too. Luckily, the Bureau had given Neal special permission to leave his radius while Peter was on his four weeks paternity leave. The only condition was that he either had to be with me or another agent.

Scott looked over at me and laughed silently as I shifted in my seat and began shaking my leg. "You are so ADD," he chuckled under his breath.

"Shut it, Cook, you aren't any better," I hissed back through a grin.

"Don't lump me in with you. At least I can sit still, Tiny," he teased me and nudged me with his elbow.

"Bite me," I snapped and stuck my tongue out at him like the mature adult I am. He was about to say something back, but was cut off when Principal Roberts called the meeting to an end. I hadn't listened to a single word of what was said, but I was still glad to get out of there. I had already locked up my classroom before coming down to the cafeteria, so I just slung my purse over my shoulder and headed out to the street. I was going to meet Neal at Peter's, obsess over Chase for a bit, and then we were taking a cab over to my building, stopping in my apartment so I could change and to grab Cassidy, then we would finally go to Caroline's.

I wasn't in the mood for subway shenanigans and various amounts of nonsense, so I went ahead and walked from the school to Peter and Elle's. It only took about half an hour, if that, until I was walking through their door; they learned a long time ago not to lock the door when they knew I was coming over. "Where is my favorite nephew?" I demanded, not too loudly in case he was asleep, as I walked into the living room.

"Oh he's just been waiting anxiously for your arrival," Elle grinned tiredly at me as I took my coat off and hung it over the railing and nodded over to Peter, who was sitting next to her on the couch cradling Chase carefully in his arms. He had finally lost the nervous look that had been almost constantly on his face since I first saw him at the hospital Friday night. Now they both just looked like they were ready to pass out. Is it weird that I want to be able to have that look?

"My turn," I smiled widely and stood somewhat patiently, waiting for Peter to hand him over.

"Be careful, Peter, she may not give him back," Neal laughed slightly from his seat on the arm of the couch.

"Oh hush. Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to announce it," I laughed. Chase made a small gurgling noise and shifted in my arms before grabbing my index finger in his tiny fist and gripping it tightly. "See, he'd like coming to live with me," I declared as if that action were indisputable evidence.

"Yes, that's exactly what that meant," Elle replied sarcastically and laughed at me. "God, girl, just go have one of your own."

"Pfft, maybe I should." I tried not to break into hysterics at the look that brought to Peter's face. But Neal just grinned cryptically; I couldn't tell if he would be for or against that idea. And they say women are hard to read. Yeah, right. But seriously, if he would go for it, I probably would. I know that's a bit soon in our relationship, but I can't help it. I've always known I wanted kids, and, well, could you think of a better man to be the father than Neal? I can't think of anyone else.

"Not funny," Peter glared back and forth between me and Neal.

"Totally funny," I smirked at him.

"Definitely funny," Neal agreed and winked at me.

"I agree with them, so majority rules. It is indeed funny," Elle added after a yawn and poked his side teasingly before leaning on his shoulder with her eyes half closed.

"Mama, you need sleep," I told Elle and shook my head at her.

"He's the one that needs to sleep. If he slept more, I'd be perfectly fine," she replied and pointed at Chase.

"Chase," I looked down at his bright blue eyes and pretended to scold him. "I know you are the most handsome little man on the planet, but that's no excuse for keeping you're mommy awake all night and day, sir."

"I'm sure that'll work," Neal chuckled at me.

"Yup. Of course it will."

"We should probably go soon if you want to get to Caroline's by six," he told me after I obsessed over the baby for a few minutes longer.

I almost protested but handed Chase back to Peter. "Fine," I grumbled and pouted slightly. "Bye sweetie," I leaned down and hugged Elle and kissed both Peter and Chase on the cheek. I shrugged back into my coat while Neal said his goodbyes and threw a wave back over my shoulder as we walked out together.

"So do you have any idea why Caroline wants us both over tonight?" Neal asked, slipping his arm around my waist as he used his other hand, and a twenty dollar bill, to hail a cab.

"I don't know," I replied, biting my lip as I wondered the same thing. The only things that had been going on with Caroline lately is Lena getting over her first ear infection, and she had been dealing with a really bad chest cold for the past few weeks and had been staying home from work. But I assumed that since she was having us and Cassidy over for dinner that she was over that. It couldn't be about her ex, he had run off to L.A. with his girlfriend as soon as it was decided Caroline would get full custody.

"I guess we'll find out when we get there," he told me as we slid into the back of a cab, squeezing my side gently. I knew it was his way of telling me not to worry too much. How is it that he always knows exactly when I start to get myself worked up in time to tell me to knock it off? Most of the time I don't even know when that is.

"Hey Cass," I greeted her as we walked into my apartment. She was curled up on my couch reading a copy of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde that I had let her borrow.

"Hey, guys," she looked up and grinned at us, temporarily looking away from the pages.

I glanced over at the clock. "We're gonna head over in like ten-ish minutes, okay?"

"Yes ma'am," she replied and saluted a small glint in her eye before she went back to reading.

"I'll go help you pick what you want to wear," Neal smirked and followed me when I started back to my room.

"Yeah, that's what you want to do," Cassidy snorted sarcastically and I laughed slightly. The girl had a point.

"Hey, you said it, not me," he laughed before closing the door behind us.

"I can't believe you two didn't talk for fifteen years," I observed as I pulled off the knee length purple dress and kicked off my black flats before I started digging through my closet. "Alright should I wear Bride of Frankenstein or Teen Wolf? Ooh or Alex P Keaton for President?" I asked as I looked through the tee shirts hanging in my closet. I love how I already change in front of him and what not after only five months. Then again, to be honest with myself, we've been having sex for seven months so I guess it really doesn't matter.

"Bride of Frankenstein," he answered after thinking it over for a second.

"Cool," I nodded and grabbed the black tee off its hanged and pulled it over my head. I followed it shortly with a pair of old jeans and then a pair of socks. At this point, I don't think I need to tell you anymore that I ended up wearing my converses. "I don't think these will last me too much longer," I said sadly when I noticed another small hole forming in the side. It was bad enough the soles were thin enough that I could feel the texture of the ground through them. I would probably get one more month out of them at best.

"Why haven't you gotten new ones?" he asked, shaking his head at their ragged appearance.

"Because, these are my favorites. A new pair wouldn't be the same," I insisted and crossed my arms over my chest.

"You're right, because a new pair wouldn't be at risk of falling apart any second," he laughed at me.

"Oh, hush," I rolled my eyes and stood on my toes to miss his cheek before heading for my door. "You ready Cass?" I asked as I shoved my phone into my pocket and grabbed my keys.

"That I am. Holy Sammy Davis Jr. those shoes are old," she said when I was in her sight range.

"What is with you Caffreys and obsessing over my shoes?" I rolled my eyes and walked out and stood to wait for them in the hallway. Neal and Cassidy followed me a few moments later and once I checked that the door was locked we walked the whole fifteen feet down the hall to Caroline's door.

Almost as soon as I knocked I heard a loud but hoarse voice yell for me to come in immediately followed by a hacking cough that sounded rather painful. "You okay, Carrie?" I asked, immediately going to Caroline's side when I saw her doubled over on the couch, ready to cough up a lung.

"I'm fine," she waved me off a few moments later once she was actually breathing again. "Lena," she called out, "Annabelle and Neal are here, and they have a new friend for you to meet."

"Annabelle!" Lena's little voice cried and she came barreling out of her room and grabbed me around the knees as soon as I stood, knocking me back onto the couch. "I've missed you!"

"Oh, I've missed you too babe! I can't believe it's been forever since we've seen each other," I replied and gave her a kiss before she diverted her attention from me to Neal.

"He Neal," she greeted him and also hugged him around the knees, granted she didn't knock him over, before grabbing his hand. "Come with me. You haven't seen my big girl bed. You gotta though. It's important."

"It sounds important," he agreed with her and allowed her to lead him down the hallway.

"Oh, Caroline, this is Neal's sister Cassidy. Cassidy, this is my best friend Caroline Stabler. And the little ball of energy that hijacked your brother was her daughter Lena Edwards," I made the introductions.

"She's adorable," Cassidy commented with a smile.

"Yeah, she gets that from me," Caroline replied before being attacked by another bout of coughing.

"Carrie, are you sure you're okay?" I asked again, rubbing her back as the hacking came to a close.

"I'm going to talk to you and Neal about that when Lena decides to release him," she once again waved me off. She turned to talk to Cassidy once Neal and Lena returned. "I'm sorry, I know you just met us and everything, but would you mind keeping an eye on my little monster while I talk to Neal and Annabelle?"

"Not a problem," Cassidy smiled down at Lena encouragingly. "Hey sweetie, I'm Cassidy. I'm Neal's little sister."

"Hi," she said shyly and gripped Neal's pants leg as she offered a small smile at Cassidy.

"So I hear, you have a pretty sweet collection of rubber ducks," Cassidy grinned slyly. When Lena nodded, her smile widening a little, Cass continued, "Why don't you show me while they all talk about boring old people stuff?" Lena just nodded and grabbed Cassidy's hand and dragged her back to her room.

"Sit down guys," Carrie sighed and gestured to the free space on the couch to her left.

"What's going on Caroline?" Neal asked, securing his arm around my middle as I gripped his other hand tightly. Something about Caroline's demeanor tonight was making me extremely anxious and had I not bitten off all of my nails, Neal's had probably would have been bleeding.

"I'm sick, guys," she started. It was then that I noticed how tired and thin she looked, and it scared me. It reminded me all too much of my grandfather before he died. Before he died of . . .

"I went to the doctor Thursday," she continued, cutting off my dark thought. "You know that I've been coughing like this for a bit over a month now, and I felt sick a lot before that too."

I started to speak, but no sound came out. I cleared my throat and tried again. "What did they say?"

"They sent me a letter with the details of my diagnosis in it that I got in today's mail. But I got a call yesterday, and they told me the general diagnosis. I . . . I have cancer," she got too choked up at this point and wiped her streaming green eyes before pulling a folded piece of paper from her pocket and handing it over to me and Neal. I reached one shaking hand out to grab it from her, only releasing Neal from the grip of my other hand long enough to unfold it so I could read.

I was hyperventilating, I realized as I attempted to take in the words. I couldn't take in the letter in its entirety, but I did catch all the most important phrases. "Patient diagnosed with Stage IIIB non-small cell lung cancer, inoperable large cell carcinomas," "pneumitis in the left lung," "Ten centimeter tumor," "has begun to spread into the trachea," "patient has and estimated 13 months left with treatment."

"I . . . I mean . . . there's got to be something they can do for this," I gasped and tried to hold it together.

When Caroline just shook her head and cried harder, Neal spoke for her. "Belle, honey, its lung cancer. There aren't any current treatments that can cure it. By the time they catch it, it's already too late."

I let out a choked sob and wriggled free of Neal's grip so I could hold onto Caroline. Both of us sat there sobbing into each other's shoulders like little kids and Neal gently rubbed my back. This was the one time he didn't have anything he could say or do to make it better.

I'm not sure how long we sat there like that before we finally pulled away. "I'm sorry," I sniffed after a short silence as we both stared at each other sadly; "I know I'm not making this any easier for you."

"Don't be," she reassured me and squeezed my hand.

"So what are they going to do?" Neal asked, placing a comforting hand on my hip.

"They want to try a combination of chemotherapy and radiation. They said with how close I am to being in stage four, it probably won't drastically change the life expectancy, it might add a month or two maximum, but it at the very least will make it a little less painful," she told us, halfway optimistically wearing a wry smile.

"What about Lena?" I gasped, my thoughts immediately jumped to the little girl in the room down the hall.

She sighed and straightened her posture as she tightened her grip on my hand. "That's what I wanted to talk to you two about. I never named god parents when she was born. There was just no one I trusted enough to leave her with. But now I know you two. I don't know of any other individuals, let alone couples, that I would trust more with my daughter. And not to mention that Lena absolutely adores both of you. When . . . when I die," she choked over the words and had to take a steadying breath. "When I die, I'd like nothing more than for Lena to go to the two of you."

"As much as I wish you didn't have to phrase it like that," I hated hearing her say when as opposed to if. "Of course we'll take care of Lena for you. I'd do anything for you and for her," I told her before pulling her into another tight hug. After releasing her we all stood and Neal gave her a tight hug of his own.

"Come on, time to eat," she called back to Cassidy and Lena before she began coughing again.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

"Just a minute," I called from the kitchen, setting down my half full glass of iced tea before going to answer they door. "Hey, ladies," I grinned widely when I found myself faced with Caroline and Lena.

"Hey," Caroline grinned back and gave me a one armed hug.

"Do you want to come in for a bit before you go?" I asked Caroline as she passed Lena's hand from her grip to mine.

"I'm already running late getting to the hospital, but I'll see you Saturday when we see Elle to help with the . . . thing," she ended vaguely when she noticed Neal sitting in the living room behind me. His thirty-third birthday was coming up on Monday and Caroline, Cassidy, and I were all going to Elle's Saturday to visit Chase and help plan a surprise party for him while she sent Peter to the grocery store. Elle always did the shopping and he had no clue what to get, so we figured that'd give us at least a good hour and a half to two hours.

"Alrighty. Do you know if you're going to have to spend the night or will you be back later?" I asked, running my fingers absentmindedly through Lena's light blond hair.

"They want to keep me overnight since it's my first time, just to see what effect the chemo has on me. Depending on how they think I do, I may be able to come home afterwards the next time," she sighed. The depression I saw on her face easily dominated any I had ever felt. She knelt down and put a fake smile on so she could talk to Lena. "Now baby, you need to be very good for Annabelle and Neal. They are the ones taking care of you while mommy goes away, and you need to listen to everything they tell you."

"Okay," she nodded obediently and kissed Caroline quickly. "I love you Mommy."

"I love you too baby," Caroline flashed a watery grin and gave her a second kiss and standing back up. "I'll be back to pick her up sometime tomorrow."

"Bye, honey," I called after her before shutting the door.

"Can we go shopping?" Lena asked immediately, looking up at me through hopeful blue eyes.

"What do you want to go shopping for?" I asked through half a laugh, picking her up so she was resting on my hip before going back to finish pouring myself some tea.

"So you and Neal can buy me presents," she said as if it were common knowledge as she smiled widely at me.

"Okay," I gave in immediately. "But only because you're so funny."

"I try," she smirked sassily, something she had no doubt picked up from me.

"Neal, do you hear her being sassy over here?" I asked, feigning shock as Neal joined us in the kitchen.

"Yeah," he grinned slyly before grabbing Lena from me. "Which is why, I have to hang her upside down," he continued teasingly and secured his arm around her waist securely before bending slightly so she was hanging off his waist upside down shrieking and giggling enthusiastically.

"Again," she demanded with a high pitched laugh once he pulled her upright.

"Okay, one more," he laughed before doing it again. I just giggled silently and sipped my tea as I watched them. He really would make a great father one day. Hopefully one day soon, if I can get him to cave. But it helps that now I have his sister on my side. She wants a niece or nephew just about as badly as I want a child. Most of our day has been spent bugging him on twitter about it.

"Shopping now?" she asked when she was right side up again.

"Sure, we can go shopping now," I told her.

"Yay," she clapped her hands together excitedly before hugging Neal around the neck.

"Just let me grab my purse and shoes and we can head out," I told them and slipped back to my bedroom after sticking my mostly full glass of tea in the fridge. "Damn," I cursed, louder than I meant to, when I picked my converses up just to find that on the right shoe the black canvas was almost halfway detached from the rubber.

"You okay?" Cassidy called through the wall between my room and hers.

"Yeah and no. My converses are officially dead," I called back. I heard Neal laugh from the living room, no doubt meant to be interpreted as and 'I told you so.' I sighed and tossed the shoes back to the floor and just slipped on my plain black flats which I normally only wore to work, and grabbed my purse before heading back out. "Not a word," I told Neal, holding a finger up to silence any teasing.

"Wasn't going to say anything," he replied, but the mischief in his eyes told a different story.

"Yeah, good story," I rolled my eyes and laughed slightly and gestured for the two of them to head out first. "Cass, we're taking Lena out. I'll call you when we are on our way back."

"Okay," she returned just as I was closing the door behind me.

Our afternoon was flooded with one children's' store after another, Neal or myself carrying her for a majority of the stores—she only walked through about three of them, until at about five, Lena decided she was tired of shopping and wanted to go to the park. Which was a blessing since neither of us could really say no to her when she asked for something. "The one with the pretty water fountain," she detailed as we agreed to the new plan. Thankfully we had about an hour or two before the sun started to go down.

"Alright, we'll go to the one with the fountain," I agreed with a laugh.

"Wait," she insisted, stopping in her tracks and gripping our hands tightly so we would stop as well. "Piggy back ride," she stated and looked up pleadingly at Neal.

He hesitated as if he were going to refuse, but almost a split second later he switched to smiling and knelt down so she could climb onto his back. It was only a ten minute walk from where the most recent store was located and as soon as we got within sight of the so-called 'pretty fountain' she nearly jumped off his back in an effort to get to it faster.

"Stay where we can see you, Sweetie," I warned her as she went to look over the edge at the water while Neal and I took our time walking to a bench a few feet away from where she was located. "So when do I get my piggy back ride?" I teased him and elbowed his side softly.

He just shook his head and laughed at me as we both sat down to watch her.

"So were you serious when you posted that thing on twitter, or were you just trying to get me and Cassidy to leave you alone?" I asked a few minutes later, curiosity getting the best of me. As I mentioned, we were both bugging him about when Cassidy would get a nice or nephew, and after a while of us being obnoxious, he said " CassidyCaffrey belleburke if it will get you to leave me alone, I won't start trying but we can stop preventing."

"If you're serious about wanting to, then yes," he answered with a sigh, but smiled none the less. And of course, in the five seconds we had looked away from the fountain, we heard a splash followed by high pitched laughter.

"Uncle Neal, look I'm a fishy!" Lena called as she sat down in the fountain, soaked from head to toe.

"Oh my god," I snorted as I held back a laugh and gaped at the little girl.

"Hold this," he chuckled and placed his hat on my head before going to get her. "Come on, Le, you can't swim in here," he told her and tried to reach out his hand for her to grab.

But she didn't want to hear it. "Why not?" she whined and pouted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"This is just for people to look at, Sweetie, it's not a pool," he explained, trying to be patient. But when she still didn't budge, he reached down and grabbed her under the arms. She resisted at first, but then loosely wrapped her arms and legs around him, dejectedly hiding her face in his shoulder.

"You two are soaked," I half laughed when they got back to where I was standing. "At least it was on a day when you were wearing jeans and a tee shirt instead of one of your suits," I offered, gesturing to his clothing, which was now almost as soaked as Lena's outfit was.

"That's true," he grinned back at me. "Lena let Annabelle take you to the bathroom so you can change into some of your new clothes." He gently pulled her arms and legs from around him and sat her on her feet.

"Can I wear my new princess undies?" she asked, looking up at me. Amazing, she forgets about being upset with Neal over princess underwear. How awesome is that?

"Yes, and that purple dress you just had to have," I nodded my head and winked at her before grabbing the clothes in question out of their respective shopping bags and shoved them in my purse before taking her hand in mine and heading off to the bathroom.

After getting her in dry clothes, and brushing out her tangled blonde hair, we headed back to where Neal was waiting. I quickly transferred the items of one bag into another so I could put her wet clothes in there without messing up the other stuff we had gotten for her. "Let's head back to June's so you can get changed to," I sighed and tried not to laugh at Neal.

He tried to grab his hat back off of my head as we walked, but I ducked from his reach. "Nope, it's mine now," I grinned wolfishly at him.

"I'll get it back eventually," he promised with a smirk.

"You can try."

Once we got back to June's, Lena and I stayed down in the sitting area on the first floor, while Neal went up to his room to change. "Lena, do you want to call and see how Mommy is feeling?" I asked her after checking my phone. Caroline had texted me, she was set up in a room for the night and they had officially begun treatment.

"Yeah," she agreed enthusiastically and hopped onto my lap.

I waited patiently through three rings before Caroline finally picked up. "Hey," she answered tiredly as I put the phone on speaker.

"Hi mommy!"

"Hey, Carrie, how are you feeling honey?" I asked, resting my chin on top of Lena's head.

"Oh, I'm so lonely without my little girl to keep me company," she replied to Lena's pleasure.

"Then come over," she answered her mother as if it were the most simple task ever. "We're at Miss June's house. She's a nice lady, and she has a cute puppy. You can come see him for yourself if you want to."

"Oh, I would love to sweetie, but I can't right now. Remember, I told you how I was really sick? Well my doctor wants me to sleep over tonight so he can make sure the medicine he is giving me I helping me get better. But I would love if you could tell me all about your day, that way I can pretend I was there."

Lena immediately set off into a tangent on our entire day, from the second Caroline dropped her off, up until right before we made the decision to call her. Caroline did a good job of making herself sound normal, but I could tell by the fatigue in her voice and the heaviness of her breath that she was in bad shape.

"Well, baby, it sounds like your day was just fabulous. I wish I could have been there to see all of it. But sweetie, I have to go now so my doctor can talk to me okay?"

"Okay Mommy, I love you," she chirped and blew a kiss at the phone.

"I love you too, baby, be good for Annabelle and Neal."

"I will," she promised.

"Bye, Caroline, we'll give you a call before bedtime," I told her, trying to keep the sadness from my voice.

"Bye, Annabelle," she replied before cutting off the call.

So, how bout this update, eh? Definitely a lot of sad, but hopefully seeing Lena with Neal kept me from making you guys too depressed. And for those of you who already follow Belle on twitter know that Neal indeed did post that he would stop preventing(: Yay! Go Neal! And yes, I did make him his own, for those of you that aren't on twitter and didn't already know that. So if you don't want to talk to Belle, you can at least talk to Neal now. And if you are wondering, yes I did create and currently maintain both of their accounts. Cassidy's account is maintained by my consultant who was the inspiration for her. If you wish to follow Neal or Annabelle, their account information is posted on my profile. And if you don't have a twitter but would still like to follow them, I also have set up personal email accounts for them, which are also listed on my profile.

Anyways, I hope you guys like the update, and I can't wait to hear from you!

TTFN! ~TheRatPack