I know it has been a while but I have been struggling with some of the chapters. If I could have Edward killing in every one I think I would have finished it by now lol

I didn't intend for a Bella chapter but for some reason it has ended up as one.

Thanks again to Sherry for always being quick to help me with my terrible grammar and also turning my UK words into American lol It is amazing how many words are spelt differently. I love ya BB.

And finally thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, I truly appreciate it. I promise I will not abandon this fic and I will try to get a move on with the future chapters.

I do not own Twilight.

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BPOV

This morning I was feeling more like my old self. Maybe it was because I was off my medication. Since Tyler went missing I didn't know anyone who could get them. I hated taking them, but I thought it was necessary. Tyler had insisted that I still needed them and I never had the strength to argue with him. Dr. Cullen had prescribed me something mild to make sure I didn't have any adverse effects from stopping my medication. He was optimistic that everything would be fine. After-all, Tyler had no clue what he'd been giving me half of the time.

My whole life I had been told what to do, never asked. Told what to eat and what to wear. Told what medication I needed to have and when to take it. I guess you could say I had lost the will to fight. I gave up.

I was tired of fighting.

I felt as if I had been fighting my whole life.

I was eight when I began to wonder what was wrong with me. Why was I so unlovable? Why was nothing I ever did good enough? My own mother always told me how useless I was. She hated me because she thought I wasn't good enough; I wasn't pretty or smart enough. "Isabella, you're a waste of good space on Earth. We'd all be better off without you." I remember that being one of her favorite things to say to me.'

I wasn't a happy child, I never had friends, no one to talk to. I was always alone. It was something I'd become accustomed to at a very early age.

I remember the first time I decided to try and end my life. My young eleven year old mind not fully grasping what I was doing.

Today is my birthday. Charlie sent a card with money stuffed inside. Renee had taken the money out before giving the card to me. I wasn't gifted any presents. No party with a birthday cake, not that I had any friends to invite had Renee thrown me one.

Today was like any other day.

Except it wasn't. I had had enough.

I made my way into the bathroom, the many ways in which I could end my life filtered through my thoughts. Renee was always making comments on how I should end my miserable existence, 'You should make my life better and slit your wrists, Bella.' I didn't know how to do that and she would be angry if I left a mess all over the floor. I looked into the bathroom mirror at my ugly reflection. 'You should jump in front of oncoming traffic and do us all a favor, Bella.' My eyes move to the window. It was dark and our street didn't get much traffic on it. Then, I remembered when I was sick, Renee had been giving me some medicine and commented on how she should make me drink it all. 'I should just give you the whole bottle. You'll go to sleep and never wake up again, Bella.'

That was it. I opened the bathroom cabinet and looked at all the medicine bottles, most contained tablets, but that wasn't what she gave me. Then, I saw it, grabbing the bottle I drank all of the liquid. I don't think it was enough. I look around the room for something else to drink. I spot the bleach sat beside the toilet. Renee used to say she would make me drink it to shut me up. Opening the bottle, I drank it as fast as I could. I didn't get much down my throat before the smell and taste made it unbearable. I set the bottle back beside the toilet and thinking that I was going to die. I decided to head straight to my bed.

I closed my eyes and waited for death to take me.

However it didn't work. I didn't die, I awoke to my mother shouting at me, demanding I get up and make her breakfast. I wanted to tell her to shut up. I wanted to get up and scream that I hated her, but I didn't. I couldn't. My throat was sore and my stomach felt as if it was burning. I could feel the blisters in my mouth and smell the bleach on my breath.

Why didn't it work? Why was I still here?

Fed up with being ignored, Renee decided to drag me from my bed. The movement didn't help my already sore stomach and I vomited all over her and my bedroom floor.

Smelling the bleach in the vomit Renee panicked and called her, then boyfriend Phil. He took one look at me and jumped straight into the action, ordering Renee to get me to the bathroom. Leaning me over the toilet, Phil shoved his fingers into my mouth, making me gag while Renee hit my back.

I don't remember how long they spent making me throw up. I just remember the pain I felt as the vomit and bile passed through my blistered mouth. After they were satisfied I wasn't going to dye, they put me to bed and left me there.

Maybe Renee was right. Maybe I was a waste of good space on Earth. I couldn't even kill myself properly.

It took nine days for me to start feeling better, but it wasn't so bad. Maybe I'd scared them because both Renee and Phil left me alone for a couple of weeks.

I tried to take my life one more time, right before I went to live with Charlie. That time Renee caught me before I could do anything permanent. I still had the scar on my wrist as a reminder.

I was happy when Renee agreed to let me go live in Forks with Charlie. He always offered to have me, but Renee always turned him down. She'd say she needed me and he didn't want to split-up what he believed to be a great mother/daughter relationship. This time when he offered she jumped at the chance. She explained if I tried any of my tricks at Charlie's house she'd be in the clear, Charlie would be the one who'd have to explain what had happened to me.

Living in Forks was better, but different. I always preferred it when I was alone and Renee preferred I didn't bother her, so it worked for us but Charlie was different. He wouldn't leave me alone. He tried, God bless him, to get me to interact with his friend's children but I never felt comfortable. Teenagers were cruel and I would never be accepted by any of them.

People didn't like me for some reason. I knew I was different and that I made people uncomfortable, but it was never intentional. Charlie used to say I looked sad, distant, and that was why people didn't approach me. He suggested that maybe if I smiled more I would make more friends.

He was wrong.

I tried at first. I smiled and pretended I liked the same things as my peers, but to be honest, I knew I never pulled it off successfully. I was different and to them being different wasn't acceptable.

I was fine without friends, I had Tyler. He was an unexpected aspect of Forks. He'd been persistent in asking me out, so persistent that I eventually caved and said yes. I figured he'd get bored after one date but he never did. I guess I was too content with the fact that I had someone who liked me that wasn't obligated to. Therefore, I didn't see the signs.

I didn't want to see them.

Charlie wasn't so keen on Tyler and I being together. Charlie always said Tyler had shifty eyes, but he also knew that if I didn't have Tyler, I wouldn't have anyone. Tyler looked out for me, he often told me what my classmates said about me. How he always defended me to them. How I was lucky that he wanted me when no one else did… And he was right.

So, I was relatively happy. I had Charlie and Tyler and I didn't need anybody else.

I was content.

Until… I wasn't.

When Charlie died, whatever little life I had left inside of me died with him. All I felt was empty. Lifeless. I moved to Seattle with Tyler as soon as we graduated. He didn't have a great relationship with his parents so he wanted to leave and never look back. I was just along for the ride.

Tyler was all I had.

Then, I met Edward.

I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was about Edward Cullen that called to me. Sure, he was handsome and successful, polite and clearly well educated, but that wasn't what drew me to him. It was the darkness I could see within him. Edward clearly had his own demons to contend with.

While my eyes were often labeled as lifeless, his eyes were filled with a darkness that I couldn't describe. He had this cool demeanor that could instantly change into something dark and calculated within a second, and I was completely enthralled by him.

There was no pretense with Edward. No lies and manipulation to get his own way. Just simple, straight talking. I never had to guess what he was thinking because I knew if I asked him, he would simply tell me what it was without caring if it would upset me or not. Edward was a straight shooter, like Charlie, and I liked that about him.

Edward was also different, like me. It was weird, but I felt whatever was dark inside of me recognized Edward was also just as dark. It may not be the same thing but we were both equally fucked-up and we both found ourselves unexpectedly drawn to each other. The only difference is when I'm with him, I don't feel so different, I feel normal. He makes me feel protected. Safe.

He was now kissing me in my doorway. It was maddening the feelings that coursed through me as his lips moved against mine. He made me feel and I didn't know whether that was a good thing or not. I never felt anything with Tyler and I hated kissing him. I didn't know how to deal with what was happening between me and Edward but it felt good… I felt good.

All too soon Edward stiffened and started to pull away.

You idiot Isabella. You just froze. No wonder he's pulling away. Stop thinking and just feel.

I threw myself into the kiss, my hands making their way into his hair. My mouth moving slowly with his. My body was buzzing with the strange current that seems to always be present around the pair of us. For the first time in my life, my heart was pounding and my blood was boiling. I felt alive.

Edward takes control of the kiss, slowing it down before pulling back to look into my eyes. His beautiful green eyes seemed to hold something I couldn't quite place. An emotion that I couldn't name.

"Do I love you, Isabella?" His words are nothing but a whisper and I barely manage to hold back my gasp of surprise. Does he love me? More importantly, could he ever love me?

"I don't know." I didn't know the answer, but I knew that if he did I'd be the luckiest woman in the world. Edward Cullen was special and anyone who was lucky enough to be cared for by him was indeed truly blessed.

His hand makes its way into his hair and he looks at me sheepishly. "I don't know why I'm here." I smile. It doesn't matter why he's here.

"Do you want to come in?"

He takes a step back. "I can't." His hand pulls harder at his hair. "Do you think you could join me for lunch during the week?"

"I would love to."

He smiles and I can't help but return it. "Thank you, Isabella. I'll call you." He quickly approaches me and places a small kiss to my lips before turning around and bounding down the hall and into the elevator.

I close my door and lean my forehead against it as I try to remember what Carlisle said about Edward in his office.

Edward's dad was intimidating.

We'd just finished going over my medication and the best way to go forward with my care when he looked up at me with a small frown on his face.

"May I be frank with you, Miss Swan?" Dr. Cullen made me nervous and it took everything I had in me to stop my hands from shaking.

"Um… Yes?" I just wanted out of here.

He tented his fingers on the table, his blue eyes pierced through me, making me feel cold. "Edward is a special man." I nodded, I knew this. "He is different and requires a certain kind of person to…" He pauses. "Control certain aspects of his personality." He seemed to struggle to find the right words.

I shake my head. "Control?" Why would Edward need to be controlled? He was a grown man.

Dr. Cullen straightens his spine, his eyes still locked with mine. "You are not the right person for my son, Isabella." His voice is firm. Strong. "Now… I truly feel for you and what you have been through, but you are damaged, Miss Swan." I was frozen in my seat. Damaged? "My son cannot be the person to fix you. He cannot fix himself, let alone anyone else."

My voice is nothing more than a whisper. "I don't need him to fix me." I didn't. I knew that if I wanted to be fixed I needed to do it myself. For myself. However, I also knew I needed Edward… Was Carlisle right?

"Then, whatever game you are playing with him needs to stop."

"Game?" The words are barely making their way out of my frozen lips.

"Yes." He leans forward. "Do you truly expect me to believe that you care for him? Edward is a difficult person to care for, trust me he doesn't make it easy… " He pauses briefly like he is choosing the right words. "I am going to be honest with you. You are not good enough. If Edward is truly ready to start forming relationships, then he needs to start with his family first. I am truly sorry, Miss Swan, but I must urge you to end whatever relationship you have formed with him immediately." With that, he stands and makes his way around the desk and offers me his hand. I don't move and his hand finds my elbow and gently pulls me to my feet. "You will thank me one day." He guides me to the office door. "He'd never have been able to feel anything for you. He's incapable of the type of feelings you would obviously want, and I would hate to see you hurt after Edward has finished with whatever little experiment he has going with you."

I'd been so shocked by what Carlisle had said, I didn't acknowledge the obvious tension between Edward and his brother. I just wanted out of there. I needed to think.

Edward's father had obviously been wrong. Edward was clearly capable of feeling something for me. Today had proved that and I wasn't going to let Carlisle or any of his family change that. From now on I will follow Edward's lead.

My fingertips cover my lips and I smile. Edward Cullen had just kissed me.

Maybe we could fix each other.

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AS always I hope you have a killer day.