I'm feeling better and I'd like to thank everyone for the well wishes. Hope this chapter manages to give you a chuckle!
On that note, on to the next installment of "Ask Elrond."
Idea submitted by Nieriel Raina
Dear Elrond,
I am a much misunderstood creature. I cannot help the way I am. I was created with the desire to hoard treasure and eat hapless wayfarers that come into my domain. I breathe fire. Not my fault those darned wayfarers give me such heartburn! And so I am despised and feared and I have heard that some wizard is bringing a bunch of dwarves to kill me when I could happily live in peace with the local population if they would just surrender a virgin for me to eat once a month. I hear there is no end to these... Oh what did that silly King of Mirkwood call them? Fangurlz? So they are not in short supply. Virgins taste better than others and I would leave the rest of those pathetic fools alone if they would only feed me. Indeed! It could be quite handy having me around as I would defend my food supply at all costs!
Advice appreciated,
Hott Stuff
***
Dear Stuff,
I think it would be better to give you Thranduil's e-mail address, as he is the one currently in charge of the fangirls. Though I can't encourage, er, eating people, I have to say that I would not be disappointed if the adolescents stopped bugging me and my sons on my way to badminton lessons.
His e-mail (at least I think so) is UgliestElfEver at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
Please refer all further requests to him. Thank you.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Robbie the Phoenix
Dear Elrond
Ha, in your face, elf-king! The One Ring cannot be stopped. I have abandoned Gollum once again, with the help of some pirates who picked him up while vacationing here in Middle Earth. Once aboard, it was really a simple matter of enchanting the captain, Will Turner (who for some reason looks a little familiar to me), and now I have full control of the ship at my disposal.
The only problem is, for some reason the crew has begun showing signs of devolution; one of them has grown fins, another has begun eating raw fish, and I think one even sprouted gills the other day. And some hag showed up muttering about the captain 'neglecting his duties' and 'ferrying the dead to the afterlife'. I wasn't really listening, and I had Captain Turner throw her overboard.
I'm assuming the crew's mutation is elvish work, as I doubt the wizards would have any interest in pirates and you elves are a rather spiteful lot. As such, I respectfully request that you return the crew to its former glory. And if that doesn't work, Sauron won't be the only one laying siege to Middle Earth.
Warningly,
One Ring to Rule Them All
***
Dear One Ring,
I've had words with Will Turner (or possibly Paris of Troy, I can never tell them apart), so I daresay your days are numbered, bucko. Have your fun now possessing and generally being a nuisance, because come December I fully intend on kicking your ass all the way to Mount Doom. (We really need to come up with a more creative name for that mountain. I mean, compared to Imladris, Fangorn, hell even Rohan, Mount Doom is a major disappointment.)
I think it would be rather obvious that I had nothing to do with the mutation of the ships crew. If you had any brains at all (which, I now realize, you don't, considering you're a cheap, flashy gold ring with too much personality) you would realize that it is YOUR presence on the boat that has caused so much harm. Have you no pity? Sweet Elbereth, those poor pirates were hideous enough before YOU showed up.
Anyways, I wouldn't be so sure of myself if I were you, ring. So…what's that human cliché again? Don't count your chickens before money grows on trees!
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by nightstarz
Dear Elrond,
I have discovered a gross lie on this...fanfiction website. There are several rude little brats who say that I am the only elf in Middle Earth who is not emaciated, and so they have called me obese. I personally do not notice any difference between myself and say, Legolas, other than the fact that I have a six pack and he has skin and bones. I would like these ridiculous accusations to stop, as they are destroying my dignity. Could you give me some advice on how to control these authors?
Haldír
***
Dear Haldír,
I should think the solution was obvious. Simply take off your tunic more in public. I daresay no maiden would object and everyone can use a little eye candy now and again.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Aeärwen22
To: TheWimpyHealer at Rivendell . elfrealm . ME
From: GreatElvenKing at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
Subject: Oh yeah?
Dear Wimpy,
That's "STUDmuffin" to you, bubba. "SnuggleMuffin" is what Celebrían calls Glorfindel when you're too busy answering your mail. For what it's worth, my fangirls just say "Oh, God!"
Which I think is way cool.
Anyway…
Incidentally, I think you should allow me to feed the architect that designed your private rooms in Imladris to one of my spiders. Didn't your mother ever tell you that closets are for storage, NOT for habitation? Well, not unless it's for fangirls, that is (but they're dumb and gullible and stack rather nicely.) When it comes to…erm…that most important recreational area, my designers gave me a much more spacious area designed precisely for the purpose, complete with appropriate accoutrements. I'll bet if you looked around a bit, you might find a similar area that would suit. Trust me, Glorfindel would be happier.
Yes, I have heard from Legolas. (And yes, I know about squirrel mail - and I MIGHT be interested in using it - but NO, YOU had to demand e-mail, remember?)
For what it's worth, as of his latest update, he, that smelly Ranger-critter and YOUR SONS are currently lost in some mountain pass looking for spooks, but that they'll catch up with the rest of the "gang" by taking boats from the Corsairs. He insists this is a sure-fire plan to help win the war; but considering everything (especially that the idea for this detour came from YOUR side of the Elven gene-pool) he'll be lucky to get there in time to shoot off a single arrow. And I hope your sons remember the LAST time they had him on a boat. I am NOT going to pay their dry-cleaning bill again!
By the way, there is no way in Dol Guldur I'm paying for your therapy either. All I ever asked for was reimbursement for an inflated phone bill, courtesy of your advice to my nit-wit son (who will believe just about anything). I figure that the rest of the damages can come out of the Dúnedain's inheritance. That sounds fair, doesn't it?
Thranduil, King of the Greenwood (StudMuffin Extraordinaire)
***
To: DumbBlond at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
From: KnowsEverything at Rivendell . elfrealm. ME
Subject: How do you like them apples?
My Dearest Cupcake Face,
I really don't want to talk to you about what's in my closet. As much as I like Glorfindel, I don't swing that way. Thanks so much.
If e-mail is so inconvenient for you (which it's not, so don't even try it) then you should have just said something. Honestly, I think you just like to complain and I like to ignore you, so it seems silly to change now.
To be frank, I don't really understand why you want your son back so badly. I mean, with all of the time he's spent with Estel (and the amount of time he spends tied to trees, apparently) he's beginning to smell. That and he just seems to cause trouble and shame wherever he goes (I won't bring up the arrow-in-your-ass incident). And, if you look into history, you'll see that MY delicious side of the gene-pool has done very well for itself thankyouverymuch, but I do not see what your family has contributed to society (besides your famous cream puffs).
Oh, and I've decided that instead of giving Estel his inheritance (he won't need it, anyway) I was going to take a long holiday with Glorfindel and Erestor. Would you be interested in joining? I don't think I could handle the thong-wearer and cross-dresser by myself.
Elrond, Lord of Imladris (aka Ruler of Everything)
Idea submitted by Araloth the Random
Dear Elrond,
I have discovered that trying to punch Thranduil when he's mad as Udun probably is not the most intelligent idea. And it made matters so much worse when I told him that it was on your suggestion. . .
Anyways, Glorfindel is sulking right now so I have to speak on his behalf (he had to ask my help yesterday when spelling 'dammit'). He swears that if anyone ever accuses him of wearing those totally un-sexy pink thongs again, he will [censored for your mental protection]. He also says that black thongs are HOT. (And I'll not put in the naughty things Glorfindel just said to me, as all reading this will probably be quite disturbed.)
After nearly being bashed with a broomstick by our favorite King of Mirkwood, I immediately set off in pursuit of the Spider, whom I have lovingly named Shnookums. Kindly tell Haldír I'm sorry that I could not resist my savage (and quite frankly sadistic) impulse to set a spider upon Mary Sue. But even the destruction of Mariel Suevien seems not to have appeased the wrath of the Dumbass, so I'm still in danger of being chased around with a broom.
And as for your gratitude - it was my profound pleasure. And now, if you will excuse me, I have to run for my life.
Love,
Araloth
P.S. Legolas says hi.
***
Dear Araloth,
Hello, Legolas. And Glorfindel, please do not ever say such things again. I can feel my retinas sizzling.
Oh, and thanks so much for telling Thranduil it was my idea. As if the idiot doesn't have enough to ream me out about. Please find…Shnookums…immediately if not sooner so I don't have to chase you with a broom, too. Or something sharper, depending on Erestor's mood (he's absolutely terrified of spiders, I haven't the foggiest idea of why. He screams like a little school-girl whenever he sees one and makes Celebrían kill them).
Thranduil is very ticklish behind his knees and absolutely despises having his hair messed up. I hope those tips will help you in the future.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by KyMahalei
Greetings Lord Elrond from Treebeard of Fangorn Forest.
And a most hearty greeting to each of the trees of Imladris!
I do not mean to be abrupt with this letter. Most messages worth sending are worth sending well. As such, they require many well thought words before they are to be fully understood. But I must ask your forgiveness if I seem a bit abrupt. We have recently had an infestation of our woods, our forest, our home, so to speak. They are small, wiggly little things that chatter incessantly and have large hairy feet. To date I have only seen two of them, but I am sure there are more lurking about. They would be harmless and easy to ignore but for the fact that we can't seem to keep them out of the Ent-draught. I nearly had to scoop one of them out of my best vintage the other day. Repulsive little creatures. Do you have the name of a good exterminator?
Respectfully yours,
Treebeard
***
Dear Treebeard,
I have to admit that the idea of writing to you seemed rather odd until labradorite pointed out that I return letters to corpses, rings, evil flaming eyeballs, and orcs, so I really shouldn't scoff at writing letters to trees.
Anyways, I do in fact have the number of an excellent exterminator (we had an infestation of spiders one hot summer—Erestor was beside himself) but I fear no techniques an exterminator would use would get rid of a hungry hobbit. Your best bet is to get a large amount of mushrooms and toss them as far away as possible.
Or you could send them on a random quest with their friends to destroy a ring. Either way gets them out of your hair—er—leaves.
Good luck!
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
We're going to say right off the bat that this is a letter of complaint, not for advice. We're writing to complain about the fact that you, in all of your studly-Elf-ness, have mercilessly and unremittingly stolen all of our patients/guest stars. (Harry Potter in particular was a vital case. That kid is Messed. Up.) If you keep offering this advice column, we're going to have to take some drastic action so our shows ratings don't drop and we really don't want to put more effort into this than necessary. Can you please just stick to your own story and leave Earth alone?
Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil
***
Dear Oprah and "Dr." Phil,
You both suck at giving advice. Well, Oprah, you aren't bad. But Dr. Phil is a disgrace to the name of psychology. Maybe if you weren't so horrible and ridiculous then your "patients" wouldn't need my prestigious advice. How do you like that?
Lord Elrond
A/N: For some reason this story is getting less and less funny as the chapters go on…sorry about that…I'll try to step it up. I may have used up all of my funny…