Hey everyone. I am here with a new chapter. This update is relatively quicker than my usual long hiatus. Don't I deserve a pat of reviews on my back for that?
As far as the story goes, I know Derek's behavior is frustrating most of the times. I am trying not to deviate too much from cannon Derek's characterization. We know he holds himself in high regards and believes he deserves a Nobel for peace for his 'barely there' efforts to work on his marriage.
In the story he isn't going to get down from his high horses for a while. But Addison won't let him walk all over her for long. Right now she is feeling guilty so she is satisfied with crumps of affection she is getting. But her attitude is going to change soon. So stay tuned and please share what you think.
"What time is it?" Addison woke up suddenly, worried that she had slept for too long. She squinted her eyes, taking in bright rays of sunlight seeping through the gaps between the curtains.
"It's early. Go back to sleep, you have another hour." Derek smiled at her, patting her rumpled hair. He drew the curtains neatly, knowing Addison couldn't sleep in a lit room.
He tried to be as quiet as possible while moving around the room, looking for his sweater and socks. It was Derek's turn to wake up early to walk the Doc, while Addison got to sleep a little longer.
Derek gave Addison a questioning look when he saw her sitting up.
"I am already awake, can't go back to sleep again." She stepped out of bed and started stretching her arms and legs.
"Aren't you gonna sprawl in bed till your alarm starts buzzing?" Derek commented seeing her uncharacteristic energetic mood in the morning.
"I slept well last night. I feel fresh. I will walk the Doc." Addison announced hurrying into action.
"But it's my turn to walk him." Derek reminded her.
"I Knaw - " Addison nodded and went to bathroom to spit out her toothpaste. " - but I am in mood for morning walk today."
"Addie, we have a system. Let's stick to it. It's my turn, I woke up early for it, so let me take the Doc for walk." Derek insisted.
"It doesn't have to be either you or me. We both can go together." Addison chuckled and planted a chaste kiss on Derek's lips.
Derek shifted uncomfortably, trying to come up with some valid reason to discourage Addison. It was easier to shut her down when he didn't care about her feelings.
Addison took a step back, "You don't want me to come with you." She stated simply. Derek's reluctance was hard to miss.
"Addie! You will take at least 15 minutes to get ready. We are already late. Look at Doc, he is bouncing with impatience. I don't think he can hold on for long."
"I can get ready in 2 minutes." Derek scoffed at Addison's offer. 15 years of marriage had taught him that Addison's 2 minutes were equivalent to his 30 minutes.
"You wanna bet on it?" She asked him playfully.
"I want to take the Doc out before he starts peeing in our kitchen."
"Why don't you guys go ahead? I will catch up in few minutes. Anyway I sprint faster than you lazy ass boys."
Before Derek could respond Addison went in the bedroom, discarding her nightgown on her way. While Derek got distracted admiring her well-toned body, she quickly grabbed a tank top and a legging and dressed up in less than 2 minutes.
"I am ready!" She tapped at Derek's wristwatch and gave him a look of triumph.
Derek glanced at the watch. He was already 10 minutes late than usual. He scratched his head in panic. He figured Meredith must have reached their spot. He considered texting Meredith that he wasn't coming and going on a different trail with Addison. Anyway Addison didn't know the trail which he and Meredith followed. But he feared going with Addison would set up a dangerous precedence. She would want to go with him again and that will effectively put an end to his and Meredith's morning walks. He also didn't want to admit to Meredith that he was afraid of Adison's reaction.
He reassured himself that he wasn't doing anything wrong. It was just an innocent walk shared by two friends. Meredith was lonely, her friends had abandoned her. After the damage he had caused it was his duty to offer her a hand of friendship when she needed one.
He didn't intend to hide their friendship from Addison. Rather Addison herself had tried to be friends with Meredith. It was just that he had missed mentioning about their platonic morning walks. Again it wasn't intentional. When he offered Meredith to join him to walk the Doc, he wasn't speaking with Addison and then it was too late to bring that up.
He thought of coming clean now. But he doubted how understanding Addison would be.
"Aren't we getting late now?" Addison peeked into the trailer to check why Derek was taking so long.
Addison and Doc were waiting for him on the porch. He picked up his jacket and stepped out, still unsure of how to get out of the delicate situation.
"What's wrong?" Addison asked sensing the change in his mood.
Derek shook his head, brushing off her concern and threw a stick for Doc.
"Do you not want me to come with you?" She prodded.
Derek nodded reluctantly. "Don't get me wrong. But I don't want you to come. This is my time. I prefer being alone -" Derek stopped talking when he saw the look on Addison's face. Hurt was evident in her green eyes.
"I like spending time with you." He quickly added in an attempt to dispel the growing tension.
Addison gave him a questioning look. He was giving her quite confusing signals.
"Honey, I need some space. You are everywhere." He started explaining.
"You wanted me to stay with you." She reminded him weakly. "The day Amy left, you asked me not to leave you."
"Yeah. I still want us to live together. But it's just that you are always around. At home, on the ferry, in the hospital. You are everywhere."
"We are married and we work together." She tried to justify.
"In Brownstone we had our own offices, when we fought, we had guest rooms to fall back. We had our own gyms and sports clubs to unwind. In Seattle everything is intertwined. I only get this one hour in my day for myself. I don't want you to encroach on my hour of solitude." Derek pulled on his most sincere face and puppy eyes to plead his case.
Addison nodded reluctantly. Derek's demand was reasonable. Derek never got any personal space while growing up with four sisters. When he moved out of his mother's house, he appreciated his privacy the most. Even when they were madly in love he used to ask to be left alone every now and then.
"I will come back early. Let's go to that deli by the dock for breakfast." He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and offered her a compromise.
He refused to let her go till she budged. Addison eventually gave him a smile which he was waiting for and then he left.
Few days later -
Derek exited a patient's room and spotted Addison standing by the door, her arms crossed over her chest.
"What do you want?" He asked eyeing her skeptically.
"Five minutes!" She asked sweetly.
"Can't it wait? I am in middle of my morning rounds." He asked in his usual condescending tone. He didn't like anyone disturbing him in middle of work. In last ten years of their marriage he had tried his best to convince Addison to keep their personal and professional lives separate. But Addison often discussed house decors during surgery or fought with him on a patient's prognosis in middle of a night.
"No it can't." Addison insisted dragging him to nearest empty room.
"Addison! My team is waiting. Let's talk after I finish my rounds." He was clearly annoyed.
"It's important and I can't wait. I need to get it off my chest now."
"What's so important?" His voice had a hint of curiosity.
"Guess who I met on the ferry today?" Her eyes sparkled with excitement.
"Russell Crowe?" He asked sarcastically.
"No" Addison said simply and continued looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to make more guesses.
"Are you expecting me to list 300 million people living in this country?"
"No. You get only three guesses." She smiled mischievously.
"I don't have time for your little games." He started walking towards the door. It was difficult for him to control his irritation when a floor full of patients was waiting for him.
"Fine. I met David Turner on Ferry today." She revealed.
"David Turner! Mercy West?" Derek turned around hearing name of Mercy West's Chief of Surgery.
Addison nodded affirmatively.
"What was he doing on Richard's side of the town?" He asked leaning comfortably against the door.
"I don't know. But he asked me for lunch." Addison shared, pleased with Derek's sudden interest in the conversation.
"Did you drag me here to brag about another man asking you out on a date?" Derek gave her a stern look but a mischievous smile dangled on corner of his mouth.
"This is serious Derek and anyway dating bosses isn't my thing." She couldn't help taking an easy dig at Derek's affair.
"He isn't your boss. Anyway what is his offer?" He stirred the discussion back to David Turner.
"He didn't say. He just talked about scheduling a lunch."
Derek's eyes narrowed, his gaze was somewhere distant. He was processing the information.
"I don't know what to do. I mean it is just a lunch but we know it's not just lunch. He is fishing and Richard will be -"
"Addison, it is quite tempting to sit here and be your sounding board, but I do have my rounds to finish and a department to run."
"This concerns you as well. If I join Mercy West, you will get a whole lot of 'space' from me." She clipped.
"Oh. I didn't realize that. I will send him your acceptance right away. Then there won't be any interruptions in my rounds."
"Oh I am sorry I pulled you away from your rounds and your dear interns. Let me not hold you back here." Addison picked up her bag and started walking towards the door.
"Seriously? Now you are walking out?" Derek gave her an exasperated look.
"I have a department to run honey. You are not the only one busy here." She replied extra sweetly and left.
They were both busy in surgeries for rest of the day. They crossed each other in scrub rooms but hardly had any time to speak. Addison left after her shift got over but Derek had surgeries scheduled till late in the evening.
"Dr. Shepherd." Addison approached the railing when she spotted strands of very familiar dark curls blowing in the wind. "If you don't mind me invading your space, may I join you there?"
"What are you doing here?" Derek was surprised to hear his wife's voice on the ferry at that hour.
"Commuting back from work, just like you. Did you think I swim across the water every day?"
Derek maintains a straight face not wanting to dignify her lame joke with a reaction. "I though you left hospital at 6."
"Yeah I did." Addison confirmed.
"Shopping?" Derek looked around her for pile of shopping bags but found none.
"I left you a message." Her tone was defensive.
"I haven't checked my voicemails yet." He replied casually and pulled out his phone to check the messages.
"I was at Four Seasons for a business dinner."
"You met David Turner again?" He kept his phone back in the pocket and turned his attention to her.
"Yes. I met him for dinner."
"He asked you in the morning and you immediately went for a dinner in the evening. Doesn't that look desperate?"
"My whole existence in Seattle screams of desperation." She spread her hands for adding dramatic effect.
"How was the meeting?" Derek asked quickly to stop her from milking her victim card further.
"He offered me head of OB and neonatal, a sit at Transplant Committees with immediate effect and a potential seat on Board in few years. He is retiring in 2 years so Chief of Surgery is also on the table."
"He knows how to woo a star!"
"He also offered to buy my contract at SGH and a 15% raise. It was flattering." At first Addison had agreed for a dinner just out of curtesy. She had decided to hear him out and then decline his offer. But after spending an hour with Dr. Turner her resolve changed. It had been a while since anyone had given her the respect she deserved. In New York she was used to being put on pedestal at work but in Seattle her reputation was reduced to 'the adulterous wife who cheated on McDreamy'. So it was a huge ego booster when Dr. Turner told her that he was willing to offer whatever it takes to have her at Mercy West. It was nice to know that she was still highly desired in her professional capacity.
"Are you considering his offer?" Derek recognized the spark in her eyes and asked in surprise. He had assumed that Addison wouldn't be interested in Mercy West's offer. He though the discussion they would have would be about how to turn him down without burning the bridge.
"His offer is tempting." Addison admitted. She had already started making her list of pros and cons. She was determined to say no, but the side of pros was getting heavier which every passing thought.
"But you have just started in Seattle Grace. Two job changes in one year won't look good on your resume."
"But I was in Mount Sinai for more than 10 years. If everything works out well, I wouldn't have to update my resume anytime soon. It's not like I am continuously job hopping. I could easily explain that Seattle Grace wasn't a good fit so I decided to exit."
"What about Richard? He has put in so much money in your department."
"That's my only concern. Richard wouldn't be happy if I leave. I don't want him to think I am betraying him." She voiced her fear and also waited for Derek to take a dig at her past record of betrayal but there came none. "Chief Webber wouldn't take my resignation well but I think as my friend Richard would understand that it is a good move for me professionally and personally."
"That's nonsense. I think professionally you would be taking a step back. Mercy's ranking is below SGH's. Sticking here would be better for your career."
"Their current ranking is lower but they have been stepping up rapidly. They are getting fresh funding from private investors. Turner has big plans and if I join now I can be part of the transformation. I always wanted to build something great. I can do that at Mercy West. It is a great opportunity plus Chief of Surgery could be mine."
"That's what Richard told me when I accepted this job. But he has been promising that to everyone. Didn't he dangle that carrot to you too?"
"Yeah he did. But there is too much competition in SGH. At MW my claim would be almost uncontested."
"They have Erica Hahn."
"She isn't interested in the role."
"That's what they want us to believe. Don't fall for it. I though Burke wasn't interested either but now I see that I am competing with him and my wife for the job."
"If I go there, you would have one less person to compete."
"I prefer the satisfaction of beating you for the job."
"I don't want to waste a safe bet. I think it's a good move."
"Since when being a chief became so important to you that you are willing to let your mentor down?"
"It's not just about the professional opportunity. On personal level as well it is better for me, for us. I think Richard will understand that eventually."
"Addie does this have to do anything with what I said the other day..about needing my space?" Derek asked cautiously.
"Not completely but yeah that is one reason among many others."
"You are over reacting. I just asked for one hour of a day!"
"It's not just that Derek. Basically I am not happy here. If I have to stay in Seattle, Mercy West could give me a clean and fresh start."
"What are you talking about?"
"Seattle Grace makes me feel like the ugly tall girl in high school with braces and freckles"
"That's ridiculous. You walk around here like the high school's mean bully."
"I am trying to jell but—It's hard to spend your whole day in a place where everyone hates you."
"You are on first name basis with Burke. Miranda Belly, who I suspect doesn't even like her husband likes you. You are clearly Richard's favorite."
"Yeah but I don't work with them on daily basis. I am with interns and nurses all the time. They call me She-Shephard. That is the nicest name among the other things they have called me behind my back. Do you have any idea how it feels to eat alone in cafeteria while everyone else is giving you weird stares?"
"Yes I know how that feels. Thanks to you." He thought about the day after Addison's grand entrance at the hospital and how people were gossiping about him for days. But because of his goodwill, they were quite quick in forgiving him.
"It would also be nice to work where I am not being constantly reminded of my mistake."
"Are you running away from your mistakes? Medicine community is small, news travels fast here. Eventually they will know what you did." He said coldly. It irritated him when Addison sought sympathy for consequences of her own mistakes. He felt she deserved the treatment she was getting. Rather he couldn't understand how Burke and Belly could be so friendly with her even after knowing about the cheating.
"I am not afraid of owning my mistakes." She stated defensively. A few heads turned towards them because of her slightly raised voice. She winced noticing the attention. She turned away from the crowd and focused on the vast expanse of water ahead of her. "I just want a fair chance. At MW I will be on a level playing field. People over there won't have any bias towards McDreamy and the McIntern. I know I can win them over by just being me." She admitted lowly.
She looked at him, trying to read his expression. His face was blank and eyes were staring the dark sky at distance. The silence made her uncomfortable. "I am tired. I am going to sit there on the bench, see you at home."
She sat down and closed her eyes contemplating the events in last 12 hours. She was emotionally exhausted by overthinking about the offer and future possibilities. Before David Turner approached her in the morning, on this same ferry, the thought of leaving Seattle Grace hadn't even crossed her mind. But then she thought the whole universe was giving her signals that she should leave. She was quiet excited by the opportunity to make some change in her life.
She felt someone's presence in her personal space, her bag lying adjacent to her was lifted and replaced by a human body. "Don't keep it on the ground." She instructed without opening her eyes.
"Do you really think it's a better professional move?" His concern sounded sincere.
She nodded in affirmation.
"You thought about all these points and reached to your conclusion in your 30 minutes' drive from Four Seasons to here?" He asked skeptically. He thought she was being hasty.
"I haven't decided anything yet." She adjusted her position so she could rest her head on his shoulder. She needed some comfort and didn't really care if he was willing to offer it or not. "I have been thinking about it for few hours, since noon to be precise."
She relaxed when Derek wrapped a hand around her and pulled her closer. "I think the Universe was giving me signals that I should take up Mercy West's offer. Fourth floor nurses were trigger. I had a stack of charts in my hands. A gurney rolled by quickly making me lose my balance and drop the charts. No one offered any help to pick up the charts. On seventh floor they saw me running to catch the elevator but nobody bothered to hold the door for me. Karev insulted my specialty and tried to get off my service. You didn't even look at me when I was in ER. A bunch of ladies were talking about George Clooney near the coffee machine but when I joined them, they all dispersed quickly."
"Seriously?" He shifted causing her to sit straight. "You are basing an important career decision on actions of people who don't even matter?" He didn't need to say she was being ridiculous, his expression clearly conveyed that.
"It's not just that Derek." She felt she was sounding like a broker record. "You are not getting it. It's about everything. I don't see any strong reason why I shouldn't take up this offer."
"What about us?" He gave her the 'how could you miss the obvious' look.
"What about us?" She asked him back blankly.
"This decision affects us, you and me. Have you thought about that?" Except Derek's move to Seattle, they had taken all their professional decisions together. They had a conversation which was more like shouting match before Addison signed her contract at SGH. Neither of them was thrilled by the idea of Addison joining the hospital permanently but they both new it was essential, if they wanted to save their marriage.
"I thought you will feel little less suffocated if we are not working in the same hospital."
"Can we lose the sarcasm and have a healthy discussion?" Derek stood up and took few steps away from Addison, running a hand through his ruffled hair.
Addison picked up their bags and joined him.
"These taunts about my need of some space have to stop now." He warned her sharply.
"I wasn't taunting. But I really thought you would like not having me in the hospital." She explained. "When it comes to us, I feel clueless at times. Can you please tell me how you feel about me working in a different hospital?" She touched his arm and made him look into her eyes.
"We have always worked in the same hospital." He offered weakly. At the time of residency, Addison chose her third best option because first two didn't have good neurosurgery program. Derek passed a job offer from Ginsburg so Addison could continue her fellowship with Vivian.
"We have." Addison agreed. From the very beginning of their career they had decided that they would work together as much as possible. Their profession required working for long hours. They figured they can give each other more time if they work under one roof.
"If you go to Mercy West we won't be able to discuss cases freely. There would be lot of confidentiality issues."
"We aren't allowed to discuss cases even now unless it is a medical consult. It's easy to find out a way around confidentiality."
"Yeah. But it won't be the same. Here we know everything so it's easier. When you say, Karev was on your service you don't need to explain me anything further. I understand that you had a rough day. If we work at different hospitals it will be difficult to understand the context."
Addison thought over Derek's argument. What he said was right but in Seattle they rarely discussed about their work or their day. A few days ago when Addison was sharing how Karev ratted her out to her patient's husband, Derek barely listened to her but offered sex in the shower to cheer her up. She doubted if any restrictions on discussing work would make much difference in their current life.
"We won't be able to watch each other operate." Derek pointed out sensing his wife wasn't convinced by his first argument.
"When was the last time you watched me operate?" Addison countered.
Derek was caught off-guard by her question. He tried hard to recollect. "Quints' case."
"You were on the case. You had to be in the OR." Addison rolled her eyes. "You rarely watch any of my surgeries."
"I..umhh.." He was about to say gynac surgeries are boring to watch but he didn't want to take risk of getting thrown in the water.
"If you leave you won't be able to watch me operate. Don't you like watching me while I save lives?" He winked at her and gave her a cute smile, knowing pretty well that he would be responded with a pinch or a light slap. He got both.
"I like it when you come to my gallery and observe me with pure admiration." He admitted sheepishly.
"I would like to have that feeling too. But you never -"
"Let's make a deal. If you decide to stay, I will watch you operate at least once a week."
"It's not an obligation Derek! I watch your surgeries, because I want to. I am proud that my husband can perform miracles. I come there to show my support and admiration. If you don't feel that way about me, just showing up in my gallery to tick off a chore isn't going to make me feel better."
"I am sorry I didn't watch your surgeries and I am offering to change that. Do you want to fixate on my mistakes or do you want to move on?"
Addison laughed at the irony of his statement. He was still fixated on her mistake. He had accused her of not being sufficiently apologetic. He refused to move on from the cheating, from his girlfriend, from the trailer… yet he wanted her not to even mention any of his faults.
"I know you don't need my permission but I don't want you to go to a different hospital." He stated plainly.
"Why?"
"I like us working together."
"Why?"
"We decided to always work together."
"Why did we decided that Derek?"
Derek gave her a frustrated look. He couldn't understand what she expected him to say. He could sense it was a trap but wasn't sure how to avoid falling into it.
Addison started speaking when Derek didn't provide any answer. "We decided to work together to stay connected. We realized that after our long working hours and unpredictable schedules, there would be hardly any time left for us. If we are in same hospital we could see each other more often and may be able to sneak some time for each other during breaks or slow hours. We decided to work together so we could support each other if needed. We wanted to have a permanent ally at work. That is why we decided to work together."
Addison paused to compose herself. She didn't want to get worked up in public. Derek offered her his water bottle and rubbed her tense shoulder to comfort her. He looked like he was thinking over what Addison had said, or may be the night they sealed that decision. There was a hint of guilt in his expression.
"Are we doing any of that Derek? My husband, my best friend works with me but still I feel completely lonely." He felt a pang in his heart by how vulnerable she looked in that moment. He pressed a kiss on her forehead and pulled her in a tight hug. She slipped her hands under his coat and hugged him back, allowing herself to melt under his warmth.
"Let's change that. I will make an effort to spend my breaks with you. I can't promise I will always be available to talk whenever you need me but I will try. We managed it when we were interns, at the bottom of surgical food chain. I am sure with some planning we can manage it better now." He promised sincerely. He knew it was doable. Addison was doing it. His problem was he lacked motivation till now. Rather his motives were to avoid her at any cost. But the possibility of not having her around unsettled him. She was his best cheerleader and his worst critique. He needed her supportive smiles and nods of encouragement during tough surgeries. He didn't want to lose his permanent ally and for that he realized he needed to reciprocate her support.
Addison slowly looked up at him. Her eyes were floating with mixture of hope and doubt. Derek gave her an assuring nod, to convey she can trust him. Assured by his kind eyes, soon a smile formed on her lips.
"I love you." She whispered. She knew he wasn't yet ready to say it back, but she also knew her confession didn't make him uncomfortable anymore. She was scared to admit that even to herself but she had a feeling that he had started loving her back.