A/N: Thanks for the reviews, I really enjoy reading them. I apologize for the delay in getting this out. I had to travel, unexpectedly. Once again stream of consciousness writing, thought you'd prefer an update. Plus the last chapter almost written. Should be done before the end of the week (maybe sooner if I get my page proofs done for my 3rd journal publication this year!)

Chapter 11: Beautiful Pain

"I cannot do this right now. I just cannot." Grissom's voice was an octave higher than usual, the distress in his voice was clear enough to alert anyone who knew him there was something wrong.

It was the sound that woke Sara, and it was the slamming front door that made her get out of bed. She had slept for only an hour according to the clock on her phone. Moving out into the hallway she found the door to the guest room open. Walking in Sara saw Betty sitting on the bed, her hand over her face. It was difficult to tell if the older woman was crying or she was just exhausting.

Sara touched her gently and signed, "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine." Betty responded with her own signs. "Just tired."

"Where did Gil go?"

Betty signed back, "Away."

Sara let the silence hang between her and her former mother-in-law.

After a few moments of both looking at anywhere but each other, Betty signed, "He is upset with me."

"He has been through a lot this week." Sara signed back.

"I know that." Betty said, "But it did not have to do with this week. I am sorry if we woke you."

"It is fine." Sara replied wanting to know what had occurred mother and son, but also knowing it was a private matter.

Betty was doing her best to keep it together, "I ruined my boy."

"He is just upset."

Betty signed back. "He is just so angry. I do not know what happen to him."

Sara spoke slowly so that Betty could read her lips, she was not sure if she could sign all of what she needed to say, "Gil is hurt right now. It has nothing to do with you. He just needs time. This past week he has been taken hostage…" Sara paused not sure how graphic she should get with the older woman, "He had a gun tapped to his head. He was beaten by the guy who tapped the gun to his head." Pausing again she could see the words reach Betty and the horror that crossed the woman's face was the same pain Sara felt every time she saw this different side of Grissom. The weak side he hid away from everyone and everyone let him because they just assumed he was an unfeeling bastard. Sara knew the better, but it did not mean she didn't let herself slip into the idea. It took her getting close to Grissom to realize there was more to the man and his emotions than he was ever willing to show the world. "I did not make things better. We argued the other day, and it got bad."

"I ruined my boy." Betty signed almost in tears, she was fighting them back, "When his father died we didn't talk about it. I never explained what happened. I disappeared. I had just lost my one love." Betty could not believe she was opening up to the girl, her son's ex-wife, but she needed to tell someone, she needed to talk to someone. Sara had cared for Gilbert, no matter what Betty ever thought about Sara, she knew Sara loved her son and cared for him better than any mother could ask for. "I taught him to shut everything out. His father taught him not to show weakness."

Betty stopped there, she would not tell how her husband, the man she loved, had taught their son to avoid showing weakness. If she had, she would have said all of what had happened, all of it, the beatings, they were normal back in the day Gilbert was growing up. Toughing up a weak young man was part of a fathers job, at least it had been back then. Now it was a different world.

Sara was not sure what to say at this moment. She knew what Betty was hinting at, the medical records both Brass and Catherine had spoken about, those told exactly how Grissom had learned to be the man he is today. They sat in silence until something come to Sara's mind, "Betty" She touched the woman's arm to get her attention. Again choosing to speak slowly instead of signing the words because she wanted to make sure her exact words came across, "Parents can hurt their children. No one will argue against that, but children can choose to move on past what happened to them. Whatever happened, whatever you think you did, it is over. It has always been up to Gil to choose to work past it." Sara knew the next words were critical, to this point she knew her words would hurt Betty, but she could not simply talk around what she thought she knew had occurred, "Gilbert is a great man. One of the best men I have ever known. He does so many great things, and he has a huge heart. He hides it, but he is just a good guy. Those are rare no matter what era it is. Gil did not become that man on his own. You taught him how to be a good man. Everything else that happened or did not happen matters, but the end result is a good man."

Sara was not forgiving any harm that might have been done to the man she loved. Parents could damage their children, but Sara truly believed it was up to the child to rise above whatever happened. You could hold onto the pain and let it define you, or you could let the pain go and define yourself. Grissom had let the pain go, for the most part, like Sara had to learn to let the pain go, and they were defining themselves.

Betty shook her head, tears now streaming down her face. Tears she could not stop no matter how much she wanted them to. "You are a good woman." Betty signed and than allowed Sara to hug her. "I had always dreamt Gilbert would find a woman like you."

Before the two could continue their moment the sound of the doorbell alerted Sara to a visitor. Sara told Betty, assuming the woman would not know why Sara quickly got up and left the room.

Before opening the door Sara quickly wiped the tears she had not known she had been shedding. Opening the door she put a fake smile on, "Hey Brass."

"Grissom here?" Brass asked looking inside.

"No he left awhile ago." Sara replied letting Brass inside.

"I have good news for him." Brass said walking in. He saw Grissom's mom emerge from the hallway looking as if the conversation with Sara had never happened. "Hello Mrs Grissom." Brass called to her knowing she would be able to read his lips.

Betty waved to Brass.

"What is the good news?"

"The gunman is going to save us all the time and expense of a trial."

"Really?"

"Yes he made a plea deal. He gets to go on 60 minutes or something like that and tell his story from the comfort of his prison cell where he will spend the next 20 plus years."

"So Griss and Jade can go home?" It hurt Sara to call anywhere other than Vegas home for Grissom, but she knew it was the truth. He had made a life for himself outside of Vegas. Would he give it up? Or would she give up her life for him? For them to work someone had to give up.

"Yes." Brass said, "Do you know where Grissom went?"

"No." Sara said, "But I will try to call him." Sara went back to her room and grabbed her phone. Finding Grissom's number in her history she called him and frowned, "It went directly to voice mail. "

"No problem. I'm sure he'll be back soon." Brass said, "Have him call me."

Sara was worried that she could not contact Grissom. Yes he was a grown man who could take care of himself, but he had left upset. He had been through a lot in the past week, and it was showing in his actions. It was decided, she called Greg for help.

Greg answered and the sound of music in the background came through the phone along with Greg's sleepy voice, "hello."

"Sorry did I wake you?" Sara asked feeling bad for dragging, once again, her coworker into the mess that had become her life this past week.

"Yeah. But what's up?" Greg said sounding like he was waking up more.

"I was actually looking for Jade, but I could use your help too."

"What did Grissom do?"

"He left. Upset. He either turned his phone off or it's dead. Either way I am worried."

Greg rolled his eyes, he could not help it, Grissom was a grown man, he could handle being in Vegas on his own for awhile. The man lived there for a long time for gods sake. But Greg was a good friend, "You want us to help look for him?"

"Yes." Sara said, "I can cover most places on my own, but it would be helpful to have a few people looking for him."

"Ok."

"I thought two could check the roller coasters. I don't think he'll go there because it is raining out, but he might. I will check a couple of other places."

"Did you call Lady Heather to make sure he wasn't there?"

"Not yet." Sara said, but somehow she was sure Grissom would go to Heathers house today. He wanted to wallow and be alone. Heather would not let him do that. He would avoid going to Heathers house, "I don't think he will be there."

Jade had been alerted to Greg being awake by him walking out into the living room she had set up a spot to work in. She was sitting on the floor her legs stretched out under his coffee table, her laptop sitting on the coffee table, she was typing away. She suddenly worried that maybe the music woke him up.

"Did I wake you?" She asked not noticing Greg was on the phone.

"No. Told you I'm not a light sleeper." Greg smiled at her, "Grissom is missing."

"What?" Jade said pushing the table away while she quickly stood up worried.

Sara heard the conversation going on, "He's not missing."

Greg rolled his eyes again, "He's not missing. He just left Sara's upset."

"Did she try calling him?" Jade asked.

"Yes." Greg said handing Jade the phone, "You two talk as much as I would love being the middle man…" And he stopped himself from finishing that sentence before he got himself into trouble.

"What happened?" Jade asked.

"Grissom left upset. I am just worried because he either turned his phone off or it's dead."

"What a dick." Jade said upset that Grissom would turn his phone off and she was sure he had. "Where do you want us to look for him?"

Sara smiled at the phone, she was happy she was not the only one worried about Grissom. Greg made her feel a bit too overprotective of Grissom over her worry. She was not crazy after all, right. It was perfectly normal to worry about someone when they left upset.

"Could you two check the roller coasters? It is unlikely he went to one of them because it's raining out, but just in case."

"Sure. Which coaster should we try first?"

Grissom felt his blood pressure rising with each passing second as he walked towards the one source of relief. Oblivious to the world around him, he did not feel the rain wash over him as he walked, the water dripped down his face as it started to poor down rain, but he felt nothing. He needed to calm down before he stroked out, but he the anger inside was threatening to boil over and let lose. That controlled anger he kept hidden down deep inside for so long had reached the event horizon and it was going to boil over into the world.

He reached his source of relief to find it closed. It was than he noticed the rain. He spoke out loud, "Son of a bitch." His one source of relief was not going to happen. Leaving he went back to the main street and sat down on a bus bench. He would wait until the rain went away. As much as he wanted to keep moving, he was too tired to keep walking.

It may have been hours or minutes later, Grissom was inside his head now, fighting his own demons trying to avoid the emotions that refused to go away, but he was taken from his thoughts by a familiar body standing in front of his view, and the sound of a familiar voice.

Today's a painful reminder of why
It can only get brighter
The further you put it behind ya
And right now I'm on the inside
Looking out, cause
I'm standing in the flames
And it's a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find a light, find a light, find a light

"Hey Doc." Jade said standing in front of him, her headphones around her neck, her favorite band blaring out the little speakers.

"How did…"

Before he could finish, "Sara called worried about you. She thought you might be here." Jade felt a it foolish for being there, he was her mentor nothing more, but when Sara had called worried, Jade to felt worried for her mentor, no matter how pissed off at him she might be. "We need to talk anyways."

"Not right now please." Grissom said feeling the anger edging closer and closer to the surface.

"No problem." Jade said, "You think we might move out of the rain." She asked mostly dry under her umbrella. "There is a coffee shop over there."

"Where is Greg?" Grissom asked standing up feeling every bit of his age. The cold rainwater had settled into his bones and he felt them crack as he stood.

"He is waiting down the street in his car. We saw you when we were looking for parking." Jade answered, "I thought we could have that conversation you've been wanting."

Grissom sighed as he followed Jade across the street to the coffee shop. He could use a warm cup of coffee, but he was not sure if he wanted to talk right now. The sound of Jades loud music could still be heard over the rain hitting the ground and the cars driving by. Her presences was comforting, as much as Grissom hated to think it true, he felt less alone right now.

It's as though you feel you've died because you've been killed inside
But yet you're still alive which means you will survive
Although today you may weep because you're weak and everything seems so bleak and hopeless
The light that you're seeking, it begins to seep in
That's the only thing keeping you from leaping off the motherfreaking deep end

Once they got inside Jade pointed to a table and said, "Go sit down over there."

Before Grissom complied he tried to pull money out of his wallet to give it to Jade to buy the coffee.

"Go sit down." Jade said, "I got this one."

"Thanks." Grissom said not wanting to argue with the girl. He made his way to the table Jade pointed to and sat down. It towards the back of the coffee shop and there were few people around to disturb them.

When Jade got to the table with two cups of coffee in her hands Grissom was the first to speak, "I'm sorry about the other day. I did not mean…"

"I know." Jade interrupted him, she wanted an apology but this sort of was making her uncomfortable.

"I am still sorry. I just was so angry at the time and I was lashing out at everyone."

"I understand." Jade responded taking a long sip of her coffee afterwards. She had missed this taste, it had only been a few hours since her last, but the first sip on a perfectly made soy vanilla latte was as close to heaven she would ever get.

"Does not make it right." Grissom said looking at the young girl.

"No it doesn't, but I'll forgive you anyways." Jade said, "People say things they don't mean all the time. Right now I don't think you need someone else beating up on you over it."

As time passes, things change everyday
But wounds, wound heal
But scars still remain the same
But tomorrow today's gone down in flames
Throw the match, set the past up ablaze

Grissom nodded his head at the girl grateful for her forgiving him. "This was easier than I expected."

"Well I could make it difficult for you, but like I said I doubt it is what you need right now. Plus Sara actually talked to me and smoothed things over." Jade answered.

"She did."

"This morning." Jade said filling in a bit of a gap for Grissom. "So are you going to go back and talk to your mother now?"

"No. Not right now." Grissom responded he did not have the strength right now for that conversation. He was not sure if he would anytime soon. There was so much there, and being so open after the week from hell, he was not sure the conversation would help anyone.

"You have to at some point." Jade replied to him.

"I know. Can't we just enjoy our coffee?"

"Yes." Jade said smiling at her mentor.

"Who are you listening to anyways?" Grissom asked, thinking he knew the answer but the lyrics, well they weren't that "artist" type of lyrics.

"Eminem."

"I thought so."

"You know me. I grew up with three artist really." Jade said slipping into an easy conversation she could talk about music for days on end. "In order of importance, Staind, Eminem, and Linkin Park."

"So you find meaning in their lyrics? Because I don't see it." Grissom responded enjoying the easy conversation they were having.

"Yes. I know you do too. I've heard you listen to some of the music I've given you. Don't act like you don't."

Grissom smiled, a true smile, it was true, she often had some music he actually found he enjoyed. "Still do not know what meaning you can find in Eminem lyrics."

Jade responded, "I feel the burn, watch the smoke as I turn rising, A phoenix from the flames, I have learned, from fighting fights that weren't mine, Not with fist, but with wings that I will fly".

"Who is that?" Grissom asked finding the beauty in the lines.

"Eminem. Beautiful Pain. Off his new recorded, the song I was just listening to."

"Really?"

"Yes it's post drug habit, rehabbed Eminem, but still beautiful. Like I said I grew up with this music. This song, most of the album, made me realize I had to let go of the past. All the stuff that has happened in the past, is in the past. I can hold onto it, but it's only going to keep me in the past. I want to live my life, and that means letting go of all the pain."

Grissom listened to the younger woman in front of him. Honestly he had not expected to learn this life lesson from her.

"The song is about letting go of that pain. All of it."

"It not that easy. In real life." Grissom responded.

"No it's not. But the song isn't saying it is easy. The song is about letting go of the past, and it is acknowledging it's going to be painful. That is the beautiful pain, letting go of the past."

It was a rare moment between them, but it was a moment they both allowed themselves to be in, despite the uncomfortable feelings that arose from being there listening to each other.

"So there is meaning in some of his songs." Grissom grumbled back not sure what to say.

"How about you man up now and go back and talk to your mom. Time to join the rest of us in the present." Jade said looking at her mentor and realizing in this moment she was teaching him something important, something she had learned the hard way.

"A few more minutes." Grissom said, "I haven't finished my coffee."

Jade rolled her eyes. "I better get Greg some coffee. He'll complain if we go back to the car without coffee for him."

Grissom smiled, and was proud of Jade. She truly was an incredible young woman. He was also grateful the conversation was over. It was something that needed to be said, and he needed the push.

Greg had called Sara the minute they found Grissom and told her to go home, he would bring Griss back to her house when Jade and Grissom finished their conversations. Jade and Grissom woke Greg when they finally got back to the car. Jade offered him a warm cup of coffee. Smiling at her he drank it while the three drove towards Sara's house in silence.

Once there Grissom got out and thanks Jade and Greg telling them to go and get some sleep.

Sara greeted Grissom and the door and gave him a hug to Grissom's surprise.

"My mom that bad?" He asked thinking Sara was grateful he was back because he'd deal with his mom. In his defense, he had no idea the conversation Sara and Betty had before Sara went in search of Grissom.

"No. Where is your phone?"

"In my pocket." Grissom said pulling it out and frowning. "Sorry."

She was happy Grissom's phone had just died instead of him having turned it off. It meant he was not trying to shut everyone out. She handed him his old University of Chicago sweater and told him, "Get out of the wet shirt and put this on. I'll put your shirt in the dryer. I don't have any pants, you'll have to suffer through."

Grissom took the sweater from her and decided to pull his wet shirt off in the entry way. He did not want to track water through her house. Slipping the sweater on, he grabbed the towel Sara offered him. He dried his hair and frowned, he hated wet clothes, but this would have to do. He was not walking around the house in his boxers, especially with his mom here.

"Shit." Sara said out loud.

"What?" Grissom asked surprised by Sara's language.

"I forgot to tell Jade you guys can leave whenever. The guy is pleading out the case. You won't be needed to testify."

"Oh." Grissom was not feeling the relief he had expected. "I can text her later."

Sara had noticed the tone of Grissom's voice and it made her feel happy that he was not completely ready to leave. "Ok. Your mom is resting."

"How long has she been resting?"

"For awhile. Did you talk to Jade?"

"Yes. I apologized. She accepted. Seems someone pleaded my case for me earlier" Grissom said looking at Sara.

"You needed help, and the girl needed to know you are just a jerk sometimes, especially to the people you care about."

Grissom shook his head, as much as he would like to say that isn't true, he knew it was. "She is a very mature intelligent woman."

"I know." Sara said smiling at him. "Now why don't I start dinner and you can go talk to your mother."

Grissom frowned, he really did not want to have this conversation, but he knew he had to. Shaking his head he walked down to the guest room his mom was resting in. Knocking on the door he waited a few seconds before he walked in. His mom was laying on the bed awake. She smiled and sat up when she saw her son walk in the room.

"Where have you been?" His mom signed.

"I needed some air." Grissom signed back to his mother seeing the pain behind his eyes, and instantly feeling like a dick for causing that pain. He had spent years avoiding the subject she tried to bring up before he stormed out. That conversation only led down a path that he knew would ultimately hurt his mother. The truth hurts, and he was fine if she wanted to avoid it. Why she choose than to bring it up he did not know, but he knew how to avoid the subject. Aware of himself, he was not avoiding the subject because he did not want to feel the pain because he had spent his entire life feeling that pain, so there was no avoiding it. No he was avoiding the subject for his mothers own good.

She began to sign to him, trying to bring up the conversation about his childhood, his father, and the man he was today.

Grissom stopped her by grabbing her hands. He looked her in the eye and said, "I forgive you mom."

Betty looked at her son and read his lips. She felt the tears stream down her face, she could see pain in his beautiful blue eyes. Hugging him she felt the first sob come out of her own body, she clutched him for dear life feeling her little boy relax in her grasp.

When they pulled apart Grissom signed to his mother, "I am sorry about…"

It was Betty's turn to stop her son, she grabbed his hands and spoke for the first time in a long time, "It is alright son."

Grissom smiled at his mother and hugged her again. This did not make everything ok, but it did fill their life with a bit more light.

It seemed like an eternity filled with silence had passed by the time Grissom emerged from the guest bedroom. Sara fought ever urge to walk down and try to see what was transpiring between mother and son. Were they talking? Was he being a jerk? Was Betty recanting on everything she had said to Sara? Or where they doing what they typically did, not talk at all and ignore the problem between them? Sara had been so caught up and worried about what was going on in the room that she had not even started to make the food she had promised to make.

"Everything ok?" Sara asked as Grissom sat down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table.

"Yes." Grissom smiled at Sara.

Sara studied him a few more seconds trying to gauge if it was a true smile or a smile given only to push her off the scent of a bigger problem. It was a real smile, she decided, "Good."

"I see you did not get anything started."

"No sorry." Sara said knowing Grissom likely knew she had sat there worrying about what was going on, fighting herself not to walk down and try to see for herself.

"We did talk." Grissom said, "And my mother and I think we should take you out to dinner tonight. So it is a good thing you didn't start anything."

Sara smiled at Grissom, "You knew I would have sat here worrying the entire time."

"I hypothesized that you would." Grissom continued, "I was thinking."

"That's a first." Sara could not help herself.

"You sound just like Jade." Grissom laughed, "May I continue?"

"Yes." Sara said laughing at Grissom who looked like he was annoyed, but she knew better.

"I was thinking about when we meant in San Francisco. You had been patient with me. I see that as my first chance, which of course, I screwed that up."

"Not just your fault."

"No it was my fault." Grissom said not letting Sara take the blame. "Than you came here, and I kept screwing up. But you were still patient with me. You even gave me a second chance I probably did not deserve." Grissom frowned at the memories of the pain he had caused, "I knew even than you were too good to be with me, that you deserved better. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew it was going to end somehow, that I would mess up. When you left in Paris, I decided it was for the better. You would finally find that someone you deserved, someone better than me. I screwed up the second chance."

Sara tried to speak but Grissom stopped her. "But Griss…"

"Please let me finish." Grissom said, "I have the courage now to say this."

Sara shook her head and let him continue.

"Summer break is going to start soon. It's too late in the year for me to leave the university, and like I said before, I really want to make sure Jade gets finished before I leave. I do not want to leave her without dissertation chair after I agreed to the position."

Sara was listening wondering where this conversation was going.

"If you are willing, I would like to come back and spend the summer here. I can work on research anywhere. I can rent an apartment, but I thought we spend time together. Go on hikes again like we used to, and I can work with the UNLV people about getting a position for myself for next year."

"What about Jade?" Sara asked and noticed Grissom was confused by the question and honestly she was confused by her question, "Don't you need to be present to adviser her."

"She's actually planning on coming back and spending the summer with Greg. He offered to help her with the crime lab survey research. We have been working on a grant that would pay her salary next year, buy out my classes, so I would not have to teach and she can work on her dissertation while Greg and I work out a new questionnaire for the Bureau of Justice Statistics."

"What do you mean buy out your classes?" Sara asked trying not to get too excited in case it did not mean what she thought it meant.

"I would not have to return at the end of the summer to teach. While it's too late to quit my job, it's not too late to buy the classes I have to teach. The university has a price for each class we are supposed to teach. If you get a grant, like we are hoping, you can pay the university to not have to teach. I already have a waiver in my contract that I only have to teach a class a semester, and I am already owed a class because I taught two classes last term. So all I have to do is buy out one class."

"So you could stay in Vegas?" Sara asked taking in the information.

"Yes. I know I do not deserve a third chance to make a life with you, and you do deserve someone better than me, I am going to be selfish and ask you to settle for me." Grissom said feeling vulnerable, going into the conversation he did not think about what he would do if she said no.

"You could stay here with me under one condition?"

Grissom's face fell, he was willing to do anything for Sara, but he was afraid of what her condition was. "What is it?"

"We go see a couples therapist. We both have issues that need to be worked through, especially you thinking you are not good enough for me. You stay here in this house with me. Even if we sleep with our clothes on" She smiled at him reminding him of how he got his second chance with her, "Finally, you move back here until you leave town to go get your stuff and finish the semester off."

"That was 3 conditions." Grissom replied.

"Accept them or decline them. Your choice."

"I accept, but are you completely sure about me moving in? We have a lot we still need to work on."

"Grissom we only work well together. When we are apart we do not work on us. We ignore it and bury our head in work. If we are together it will force us to work on us and not work."

"Fair enough." He said smiling maybe things were going to work out after all.

"Oh one more condition."

"What?"

"Tonight's dinner is actually a celebration. I want to invite the entire family."

"Family?" Grissom was confused.

"Yes family. T he entire crew. They are our family. The one we choose."

"Fine with me." Grissom said, "I have missed everyone."

"Good. Another condition."

"How many more after this?" Grissom said, "I am starting to feel like I'm groveling."

"You have already groveled at my feet." Sara joked, "This one is a serious condition. If at any time you have a problem, either of us has a problem or issue with the other, we have to talk about it. No more of this shutting down and ignoring it. We both are guilty of it, and that is how we ended up here."

"I will try." Grissom answered honestly.

"Fair enough, that is all I can ask for." Sara said closing the distance between them and pulling Grissom into an embrace. She kissed him, and felt him return the kiss with the same passion she felt.

When they pulled apart Grissom asked, "Can I add one condition?"

Sara rolled her eyes at him, "What is it?"

"You kiss me like that more often."

"Deal." Sara said kissing him again. When they pulled apart it was time for them to make plans for the night. People had to be contacted before shift. Reservations needed to be made. Gil had to go get his stuff from Heathers.

A/N: Song is Beautiful Pain by Eminem feature Sia. Hope you enjoyed.