Gakushuu's sight is blurry with tears. He doesn't exactly know why he is crying. What is there left to cry about? He's been so empty for so long, pushed away all emotion for so so long, it's overflowing, out of his body in the form of tears, sweat and blood. He doesn't bother using tissues, afraid the headmaster might find them, and just cries into school blazer.
He has bunked off lessons again. He just didn't feel like acting normal, putting on a facade, like everything was OK, when it definitely wasn't, when everyone he has ever loved will die -
A fresh wave of tears assaults his new emotions hard. He supposes, through the fog in his mind, it's like a newborn child - just come fresh into the world, and cries. For what reason, no one knows - just the same as his newborn emotions, crying for no reason.
Ren...
Ren will die. It only just occurs to him that he will die, but he doesn't care. Ren will die, A-Class will die... Nagisa will die. These people who help him, care for him and love him will all die, and if they survive in a new, broken world, their identities will change beyond recognition. He sobs some more, burying his face into the jacket.
He pushes himself further into the closet he is hiding in. It's locked, so no one will look for him here. He tries to control his breathing as he thinks of everyone he loves. He doesn't want to alarm anyone.
He just wants to be happy.
Is that so much to ask? So much to want? Just a fleeting moment, a second, a glimpse of real, true happiness? Not the happiness he had, tinged with the fear of his father finding out and the loss of reputation. Just pure happiness. The kind he sees in Ren. The kind he sees in that E-class teacher, Korosensei. The kind he sees everywhere, everyday, but not with him.
It seemed every time he reached out to touch happiness, it would recoil from his fingers, like he was contaminated.
The headmaster is contaminated, thinks Gakushuu. I am contaminated. I am a disease.
The worst thing of all though, is that no one is looking for him.