Part X

They arrived at Hui Bin Lou soon enough, and found Xiao Jian had already been back and explained to Liu Qing, Jin Suo and Liu Hong what happened. After reassuring their friends that they were all not further injured, and explained the current situation and the need for a place to stay for Yu Fei and Xin Yu. Yong Qi did not need to so much as make the request before Liu Qing had made the offer.

Soon after that, Er Kang and Yong Qi left to deal with the assassins. Xiao Yan Zi was sure Yong Qi did not really need to go, and Er Kang could have handled it adequately himself (it was his job, after all). However if the look Yong Qi gave her was an indication, there was purpose in his leaving – he was giving her a chance to actually talk to his mother, without him around. The idea was simultaneously necessary and terrifying.

Yet it wasn't as if Xiao Yan Zi could really avoid it. Even though she and Yu Fei had been known to each other for half the day, they had not exchange many words, and a more meaningful conversation was warranted. It was just that Xiao Yan Zi both wanted Yong Qi to be present, and then also not. Perhaps she should just take it one at a time. Conversation with Yong Qi present as well would come soon enough in time.

So when it came down to it, Xiao Yan Zi volunteered to show Yu Fei to her room. There was no point of hiding from anyone else the fact that there was more reason than just helping Yu Fei get settled in that brought on this offer.

The short distance to the room was made in silence, partly because Xiao Yan Zi was sure everyone else was looking as they went, most likely with sentiments of hope for her, but probably also with concern and nervousness as well. The silence wasn't awkward, exactly, it was just that Xiao Yan Zi felt like she should break it but did not know how.

It was as if, for the first time, did she realise in whose company she was. This was Yong Qi's mother, who was as important, if not more important than her, in his life. Xiao Yan Zi didn't think she had ever felt so desperate for someone to like her as she did now.

Yet the enormous, terrifying question still hung above her: what did Yu Fei think of her? She once thought that it didn't matter what people thought of her in the palace, as long as she had love from people who mattered most – Yong Qi, Zi Wei, Huang Ah Ma – then it would all be well. It didn't matter if people she didn't care about didn't care for her either. However, Lao Fo Ye's displeasure with her had begun to prove that mindset to be painfully wrong. Whether she cared for the people in his life at all, they would have an opinion of her nonetheless, and sometimes some of those opinions meant a great deal, even if they would rather it was not so.

She did want to like Yu Fei, though, and more importantly, for Yu Fei to at least accept her. As far as she and Yong Qi had managed to come, Xiao Yan Zi didn't think she could bear it if, now, there must be another obstacle in their way, and in such a way that would probably cause Yong Qi the most discomfort and pain.

Still, it didn't help that Xiao Yan Zi really had no idea what she should call her. After that entire disaster with Lao Fo Ye and Nai Nai, she did not think she was brave or presumptuous enough to utter the two words E'niang before she was invited. She knew, at this stage, it was two words that were reserved for between Yu Fei and Yong Qi alone, no matter how, since she was marrying Yong Qi, it would technically be the correct title to address Yu Fei with. She had gambled a lot to call her Yu Fei Niang Niang up till now, though she was sure that the title could not bring her any comfort. Still, Yu Fei had so far made no attempt at correcting her, even if she did look rather resigned when hearing the words. Surely Yong Qi would have found a way to stop her if the title was entirely undesirable and there was something better to use?

These thoughts occupied her until they went into the room together, and Xiao Yan Zi set down on the bed the bundle of Yu Fei's things that they had hastily gathered when leaving Bai Yun Si.

When she turned around, Yu Fei indicated the tea table and chairs in the middle of the room. "Let us sit, first."

Xiao Yan Zi obeyed and sat with Yu Fei. On the table in front of them was a pot of tea, kept warm with a tea cosy. She was sure, knowing Liu Hong and Jin Suo, that the tea would be fresh, and she was not foolish enough to wait for Yu Fei to serve her. As she poured a cup and offered it to Yu Fei, her mind returned to the recent two days it took for Ling Fei to fully explain to her and Zi Wei how all the ceremonies in the wedding would go, and what they were to do. She vaguely remembered, too, that the day after the wedding, she would have to offer tea to the senior matriarchs of the family – which clearly in the palace involved Lao Fo Ye and Huang Hou (now that was not something she looked forward to, at all), but should really involve Yu Fei as well.

She looked up to see that Yu Fei was looking at her with a curious expression, which only served to make her feel self-conscious. Suddenly she realised what a mess she must look, from the first moment Yu Fei lay eyes on her. It was, perhaps, not as bad as when she met Lao Fo Ye, and granted, she was fighting for her life earlier, but still, the entire situation made her want to cringe. They should just stop making plans, because plans only ever seemed to be like tempting fate to make everything go wrong.

"Truthfully, I have expected Yong Qi to be married by now, or at least, if he were engaged, for me to have met his fiancée long before now," Yu Fei said.

Xiao Yan Zi felt her face heating up, and a defensive answer was almost on her lips before Yu Fei went on.

"I will not blame you for what Yong Qi would tell neither of us."

Xiao Yan Zi found it difficult to answer, which in itself was a strange thing, because she always had the tendency to ramble before when in these nervous situations. Now, she could think of nothing to say. Perhaps that was a good thing, then at least she wouldn't be saying anything wrong.

"You are not exactly what I expected," Yu Fei said.

Xiao Yan Zi just managed not to wince because, what did that mean?

There was a lengthy silence, when neither of them said seemed to be willing to continue the conversation. Xiao Yan Zi glanced up and saw that Yu Fei was smiling at her, but it was mysterious smile that didn't exactly comfort. She wondered whether Yu Fei was unnerving her on purpose.

"It is strange, because I think everyone in Yong Qi's life, and myself included, would always have a preconceived notion of what makes a prince's wife, and yet you do not seem to fit at all."

The direction this conversation was heading was not doing anything to calm Xiao Yan Zi at all.

"I should expect beauty, but I have seen girls more beautiful than you. I should expect grace and gentleness but I do not think the words suit you at all."

Xiao Yan Zi had to hold back laughter, despite everything. Grace and gentle were never words to be associated with her. As far as feminine descriptors went, possibly the only word she could settle on may be sweet and even then, not always.

"I will own that it disturbed me a great deal that I had to learn about you from Fu Lun, of all people, and that Yong Qi had so many chances to tell me about you before but he did not. You must understand that it worried me, especially when this person I did not know, that he did not tell me about, in the end, had so much influence on him to make him give up so many things in his life."

"I am sorry," Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed hastily, wishing to let Yu Fei know what she was about to say before Yu Fei could misunderstand. Though granted, if there was misunderstanding, perhaps it had happened already. "I – If I had known about your situation before we left Beijing, truly I would never have let him leave with me. I don't know how to convince you of this, but honestly I would never have dreamt of pulling him away from you."

Yu Fei's expression to her earnest plea was unreadable. She merely answered, "And yet you did pull him away from everything else."

Xiao Yan Zi took a deep breath. She supposed she could not blame his mother for this censure (though, truthfully, judging by Yu Fei's tone of voice, it was hard to tell that it was censure). Even if the palace and the luxuries in it meant nothing to her and Yong Qi, to Yu Fei it mean her son's safety and security, and all that she had sacrificed for him to have it all.

"My only defense is that then, we thought my life was in danger. I know it might not justify much to you, since his never was. I – I am selfish enough to want him with me. I suppose, in the back of my mind, I always assured myself that even if he were to leave, his family in the palace would not be physically harmed. It should not matter, I know, when they will suffer emotional losses and maybe that should be even more serious. But…the thing is…in my entire life, I've had few people who cared for me enough to the point where they would suffer a deep emotional pain at the loss of me, and for me to feel that in return. I have friends, surely, but I am still not used to someone putting me first, so unconditionally, as Yong Qi does and I admit I am terrified to lose him…"

She had no idea where all this was coming from. It was as if the words flowed from somewhere deep inside her and only when she expressed them out loud that she realised she had these thoughts at all. However, there was little doubt in her that these words were sincere and she needed to let Yu Fei know. It may do little to appease Yu Fei's views of her, but Yu Fei's impressions of her was for so long made through kept secrets and veils that now was the time, it seemed, for undeterred truths.

"But please believe me, if I had known by coming with me, he was leaving you vulnerable and unprotected, I would never have been able to bear it. I see enough of how other women in the palace suffer for Huang Ah Ma's vices, and it must be a thousand times worse for you. I would never wish to take away your only comfort and protection."

She looked at Yu Fei desperately, hoping that she could understand. Not right away, not now, perhaps – because Xiao Yan Zi's own emotions was making her head muddled as it was – but some day…

She had never had a mother, and would give up practically anything to have one. From the way she heard Yong Qi talked about his mother – and even from all the things he would not say – she knew that he felt the same: he would give up everything, too, to have his mother by him in all the years he lacked her. So in understanding that, how could Xiao Yan Zi ever truly be willing to consciously pull him away when he finally, painfully, managed to have his mother present in his life again?

Yu Fei, in turn, looked contemplative for a long time. Then, she sighed. "As I said, I cannot blame you for things Yong Qi chooses not to tell you. And I also understand, leaving was as much his decision as it was your wish, if not more so his decision. When he visited me last, after coming back to Beijing, he did speak of you, finally, to me. He did not go out of his way to praise you to me, but perhaps it was just as well. I do not think, then, I would have been receptive to praises, however sincere. I suppose that is part of the reason I did not realise, until this afternoon, what kind of person I should be expecting in you."

Xiao Yan Zi couldn't say that it didn't sting to hear that Yu Fei would not have been willing to receive anything praise-worthy Yong Qi had to say of her in his last visit. Perhaps because of this, that she started to ask the next question before she truly thought it out:

"Forgive me but were you – "

She trailed off, having now realised the words that were making their way out of her mouth, and wondering whether she truly wanted to know the answer.

"Yes?"

"Were you very disappointed? When I am not what you expected?" she asked in a rush, before she could swallow it all again.

Yu Fei was looking at her curiously. "Would you care if I was?"

Xiao Yan Zi's head snapped up and she gaped for a moment. (She tried not to think how Yu Fei obviously avoided answering her question at all.)

Then, she finally answered, almost in a whisper, "I have borne enough of Lao Fo Ye's displeasure to realise that I do not wish you, of all people, who are dearest to Yong Qi, to not think well of me."

Yu Fei gave her an inquisitive look. "Yet despite Lao Fo Ye's displeasure, as you have owned, it does not seem to affect Yong Qi's feelings for you. Do you so believe that my opinion would?"

"It is not a matter of his feelings for me. My desire for your good opinion is not for my peace of mind, but for his."

Yu Fei sighed. "I have said this to Yong Qi before, I am cannot be so blind as to refuse to see that he loves you. It is not just what he gave up for you. Even when he would not speak of you, the things he does say and do show how much influences and changes you have made to his life. I did not realise this before, but all this has been present even before you all left Beijing. I just didn't know what the change was due to, before. Now, from what he did tell me of you the last time he came to see me, I cannot help but think that much it was all due to you."

"I do not see how I could have managed all that, as you say," Xiao Yan Zi said hesitantly.

"Perhaps you do not see," Yu Fei said, "because you have not seen the changes in him as I have. He is happier, and seems enjoy life more and thinks less of his father's vices and more of his virtues. He now understands better, I think, how I could learn to be content with the life I had at Bai Yun Si. I think you have taught him to have a more positive outlook to everything around him."

Xiao Yan Zi did not think of a response immediately, so she did not say anything. It didn't seem like Yu Fei was quite finished, in any case.

"Even here, just this afternoon, watching his interaction with all of you, with people who clearly value him for the person he is, not the title he holds, it makes me wonder how much of this he ever got in the palace. I can see the friendship between you all and see that he really does need that, now and in the future too. And undoubtedly you brought him to all this. Sometimes one would think, the palace lacks for nothing. Yet, it is the things other than what he takes for granted in the palace that he needs most."

"I could not have brought him to anything if he did not want to accept them on his own."

"And the fact that you are here now shows how much he did want all of it, however little he may have realised it before," Yu Fei said.

She paused for a moment, and when she did speak again, there was a sense of weariness in her voice that made Xiao Yan Zi feel uneasy.

"I will not deny my first instinct was to be jealous of you, especially when I realise that in many ways, you know him better than I do, and you have an influence over him that I know I will never have."

Xiao Yan Zi was not sure how true this last statement was. Sure, she could wheedle, charm and pout her way to convincing him to do things but it was hardly influence. She wasn't sure, however, how she could get into a discussion of the semantics now.

"What is more, he trusts you so completely, enough to leave everything to go away with you, to put his life in your hands. I do not think that is something so easily found in princes' marriage, not so early on in any case."

Though she could tell there were touches of praise in all that she'd said, Xiao Yan Zi still felt disturbed at the jealousy that Yu Fei confessed.

"I do wish you need not feel so threatened by me," Xiao Yan Zi said earnestly. "I hope that you know that I could never dream to think that whatever he feels for me must be put before his love and duties for you. It is two completely different concepts, and I would never expect him to choose between you and me."

Yu Fei smiled wryly. "I am aware of the lack of reason for such feelings, which is why I cannot hold it against you. But as a mother, I should know him best, and should have seen him through growing up and know of things that his wife would have to learn. Yet the reality is, even the last three years when he had been allowed to see me more often, I do not know him so well as that. In reality, in all the time you have spent with him, you know far more about him and understand him far better than I do."

"But things need not stay that way," Xiao Yan Zi said. "You must know that Yong Qi would not wish for an incomplete understanding between the two of you either. I hope that you would allow him…both of us…to know you more…"

Yu Fei smiled, a more genuine smile now that gave Xiao Yan Zi some hope. "I think I would like that as well. In any case, you should not think too much on my irrational thoughts. I think any mother would be reluctant to let their child go, to realise that she is not the only woman in his life anymore. I am just feeling it with more force than I should. You will understand it, one day."

Normally, such a statement might make Xiao Yan Zi feel flustered – she wasn't sure she was ready to think of such a future yet – but the fact that Yu Fei clearly saw and expected such a future for her was heartwarming, more so than any verbal indication of acceptance that Yu Fei had yet to give.

"I do not know what you have done to gain Lao Fo Ye's displeasure, or how your engagement has managed to exist until now with it," Yu Fei said. "Perhaps I can imagine Lao Fo Ye's objections; perhaps the fact that your engagement still stands is enough proof of Yong Qi's determination in this marriage. What I can see, however, is that this is Yong Qi's choice, what he wants..." Yu Fei seemed to hesitate for a long while, as if debating with herself what to say next. In the end, she sighed, and continued, "Whether you realise it or not, the decisions made in his life has never been much about his choices, or what he wants. I do not imagine, even in the future, he will have much more freedom."

There seemed to be a significant pause, and Xiao Yan Zi wondered whether there was some other, deeper meaning in what Yu Fei was saying that she was missing entirely. She frowned, but it did not seem like Yu Fei would explain.

"So in this matter which would determine his entire happiness, perhaps it is best that he has a choice in it. After all, no matter what Lao Fo Ye, or his father, or I, think of his choice, he is the one who would have to live with it."

It took a moment for Xiao Yan Zi to truly understand what Yu Fei had just said. It wasn't explicitly expressed, and she wasn't even sure when in the conversation it had come, but Xiao Yan Zi knew, as shown by the tone of her voice, that Yu Fei had, at some point, decided that she would at least accept Xiao Yan Zi's place in Yong Qi's life, even if still, she was not without misgivings. That first step towards something that before today Xiao Yan Zi had thought to be unattainable was more precious to her than anything in the world right now.

Impulsively, she grabbed Yu Fei's hand and squeezed tightly (and was comforted when Yu Fei didn't pull away). "Thank you…Niang Niang."

It was only later that night, when both the inn and its back quarter, where the owner Liu Qing, his wife Jin Suo and his sister Liu Hong lived, and where she now stayed with them, had settled down, that An Ran was afforded the quiet and privacy to think on the very hectic and emotionally confusing day.

(The fact that neither Yong Qi nor his friends seemed overly flustered by what went on the entire day and just simply took everything in stride made An Ran wonder how much of the chaos was normal occurrence to them. It was not a comforting thought.)

So that was Xiao Yan Zi.

An Ran had expected it to be easy to at least get a grasp on Xiao Yan Zi, to easily come up with an opinion of her. Yet the person she met that day and has watched all day was refusing to be summed up in any neat word. If forced to describe the girl in a word at all, An Ran would have to settle on "overwhelming".

If An Ran had known what to expect from Xiao Yan Zi, she probably would not have expected that – neither the circumstances of the meeting or the person she did meet. She certainly was not the demure lady that the whole world would envision for the role of a prince's wife. What An Ran found strange, bordering on alarming, was the unreserved way she spoke and boldly expressed herself, as if she was incapable of self-censoring. Perhaps that frankness endeared her to Yong Qi, but it was a dangerous trait to have in excess in the palace. To wear your heart on your sleeves meant exposing yourself to attacks, and was more of a liability than an asset in the palace. It made An Ran worry about what Xiao Yan Zi could potentially pull Yong Qi into in the future, especially when Yong Qi seemed to act like he was resigned to this aspect of her character and saw no need to advise her to be more prudent in her expressed opinions. Or perhaps such thing had been attempted to no great result.

That Xiao Yan Zi had been nervous during their conversation was clear. She had until then been such a whirlwind of different intense emotions that it was strange to see the sudden vulnerability. And yet, it was that vulnerability that allowed her to seem a little more real to An Ran, and not just the vague portrait she had pieced together from disjointed information from Fu Lun and Yong Qi. It proved, too, how much the conversation and their meeting really meant to Xiao Yan Zi, and it was seeing that vulnerability that made An Ran realise, Xiao Yan Zi had a lot more to lose than she did.

There was one thing clear that even An Ran, biased as she was, could see, and that was that Xiao Yan Zi loved Yong Qi. It was not so much explicitly expressed in words during the rather eventful day they had, but in the softness in her eyes when she looked at Yong Qi, the instinctual way she reacted to threats to him and in all the subtle cues that An Ran was sure even she was not aware she was giving. An Ran had seen enough to understand that Xiao Yan Zi was not prone to hiding her true emotions, and thus could not doubt the things Xiao Yan Zi said about her feelings for Yong Qi.

So, did An Ran like Xiao Yan Zi? Right then, it was hard to come up with a definitive answer.

She supposed, when thinking about a possible bride for her son, An Ran only really ever had one requirement: that she would be a good person. That requirement was probably something that the majority of people who knew they would have no choice in their marriage partner would hope for as well. Now, An Ran realised just how very inadequate such a descriptor was. What made a person good? What made a woman good?

Thinking about that requirement of a good person alone, An Ran could not deny that Xiao Yan Zi was. The fact that she elicited loyalty from friends who were, in turn, kind enough to open their home to An Ran now spoke of her worth. The fact that she gained such sincere and complete trust and affection from Yong Qi should alone be enough to convince An Ran of her goodness. And yet good, it turned out, was not particularly helpful when you looked at its other side.

She was kind and compassionate, yet those traits manifested themselves in acts that involved lying and deceiving the emperor, perhaps for justified reasons, but putting both herself and those around her in mortal danger nonetheless. She was guileless, yet the opinions she held and chose to express frankly, and her inability to see that the palace was a battleground of a war that she would have to take part in whether she wished to or not, would in the long run do more harm than good. It could well put Yong Qi in unnecessary difficult positions. She loved him sincerely, and treasured him for who he really was, not the material comfort he could provide, yet in return, it meant that she expected of him the kind of commitment that was not his to give to her alone.

An Ran didn't think Xiao Yan Zi caught her hints in their conversation of things that could come in the future that would be out of both her and Yong Qi's control, but she didn't want to get too deep into the issue that afternoon. As much as An Ran wished to gauge Xiao Yan Zi's reaction on the possibility of other wives, she understood that it was not her place to even bring up the subject with Xiao Yan Zi right now. It was clear that it was not something that Yong Qi had ever broached with Xiao Yan Zi (and in some ways, An Ran could not entirely blame him) and Xiao Yan Zi herself apparently never thought about it. He would have to, one day, but An Ran knew enough of the discomfort such conversations would bring that she would not be the one to force his hand.

What made a person good, apparently Xiao Yan Zi had in spades. What made a woman good, however, were total obedience, unquestioning sacrifice and acceptance, not traits that Xiao Yan Zi particularly possessed. She had unconventional opinions and if An Ran could judge from what she saw that afternoon, it was clear that she would not obey blindly against what she would perceive as her better judgement. Yong Qi talked of all that she had sacrificed to come back to Beijing, to the palace to be with him, and yet to be a prince's wife – perhaps one day, even more – the sacrifices would only be even more painful than Xiao Yan Zi in her straightforward thinking could ever imagine now.

Perhaps An Ran was over-thinking. It was clear that even Yong Qi had not thought to think that far ahead. Perhaps it shouldn't even matter. Perhaps the fact that in his future, other, less desired marriage awaited, meant that he should be allowed the luxury of this one choice that was his own.

Even from the first moments that she came to learn of Xiao Yan Zi's existence and her place in Yong Qi's life, it had never occurred to her that she should attempt to talk Yong Qi out of this marriage. Yong Qi was stubborn, and if he could be so easily talked about it, then Fu Lun would never have had reason to come and see her. Once he had made such a decision, it was clear that his mind was made up well enough about Xiao Yan Zi that he would never just abandon her. Such a suggestion from An Ran would only create painful conflict between them that could never be resolved prettily.

Still, An Ran could not deny that she worried. She worried for what the future would bring to Yong Qi: obstacles and challenges that she would be little help to him in, decisions made to his life that she would have no say in, and likely neither would he. As much as he loved Xiao Yan Zi now, as much as An Ran could not deny that Xiao Yan Zi loved him in return, and deep down she couldn't really find fault in those emotions, she could not allow herself to be at peace. This love would be just as likely to bring him harm and trouble as it would happiness. Yong Qi clearly thought Xiao Yan Zi was worth it, but An Ran would need time to resign herself to that, even if in the end, whether she thought Xiao Yan Zi was worth it wouldn't really even matter.

He had grown much too fast for her to keep up and come to terms with. He neither needed her protection now, nor was she particularly capable of giving it in her current position. It was a bittersweet reality to accept; she had put it off for a very long time. Now, faced with his impending marriage, and Xiao Yan Zi, who for now, represented everything in his future, she could only hope that their determined optimism would in the end prevail, help them get through the years ahead, and not just crumble like so many hopeful dreams of the innocent souls that come in contact with the palace.

A/N: I'm not entirely sure about the pacing of this chapter as it seems really anti-climatic after the last but there was no other way to frame this conversation.

At this point, I'm 90% sure that I will be tying this in with Let the Years Scuplture Our Love, which is why the last few chapters have such heavy-handed foreshadowing...I know I said there wasn't an Empress Dowager in that, but it would be easy enough to write An Ran in. We'll see how it goes...