Thank you so much everyone for the kind reviews.
Over the next couple of days reading Leonardo's journal is exactly what the family did. Splinter at first was unsure if reading it was the right course of action. His son, after all, did deserve his privacy. But after thinking on Raphael's dramatic reaction to what had been written, he had decided it would be the right thing to do to read Leonardo's thoughts and gain a better understanding of the depression Raphael had described.
He had asked Donatello to read it first. He knew his mild mannered son would not overreact to the words in the diary and had wanted to first gage if what was inside the journal was as serious as Raphael had made it seem before he himself broke into his son's private thoughts. Donatello had read the book quickly, and on seeing his intelligent son's face after finishing, he knew that Raphael had not overreacted, and that what was in those pages was serious indeed.
Michelangelo had wanted to read it next, his curious nature taking hold and concern for his oldest brother raging, but Splinter had felt that it was imperative that he read it next. If there was something seriously wrong with his son's mind, he needed to know about it.
And so he had begun reading the private thoughts of his oldest son. With each page turned, Splinter's worry grew more and more as he took in the pain, grief, and tragedy his child had experienced in the past year. There was no doubt his son had fallen into a deep depression as long ago as before he left for training, and had still been in one as recently as two weeks before.
Splinter was deeply troubled that he had not noticed this about his eldest child. He had sent Leonardo away for leadership training, reading his son's actions after the Shredder as stemming from a restless mind that was itching to further his education and training. He knew now that Leonardo's anger and endless training before sending him away had not stemmed from restlessness, but from a deep dissatisfaction with himself and from his fear of letting his family down.
Splinter now realized that what Leonardo had needed was not to be sent away, but to be comforted and reassured by his family around him. But Splinter had made a grave mistake and had done just the opposite, sent him away to wallow further in his own feelings of imperfection alone. Not only that but he had also caused his relationship with his brothers to be alienated further by sending him away without good explanation. Leonardo had returned from his training with the weight of the world on his shoulders and had come home to a bitter family that was unresponsive to his needs. And so it seemed his response was to curl up deeper within himself, dealing with his burning grief and insecurities on his own. Splinter could not deny that this was all his fault.
But what Splinter had found most shocking was the girl. His eldest son had fallen in love during his trip to Central America, and had lost it. He had seen the picture of the young girl and she had been beautiful. Leonardo had spoken of her in every entry, and he had even said that he loved her. But what had been the most shocking and amazing was that she had returned the love. The girl had been able to see past Leonardo's turtle form and fall for him. Splinter sighed softly, only imagining the deep grief his son must have suffered in losing his first and only love. Splinter's heart broke for his son's loss.
Splinter then gasped slightly, remembering a time about six months ago.
Flashback
Splinter sat very still upon his soft maroon pillows that littered his room, his eyes were softly closed, his mouth slack with a deep relaxation. His breaths came slow and deep causing the only sound that was emitting from the motionless rat. The few large candles lit around him flickered light softly across his body, illuminating him in a soft glow that barely filled the room. Another deep breath was taken, and Splinter's mind reached farther.
A loud crash and irritated yelling was suddenly heard down the hall, rousing the rat from his deep meditative state. He opened his eyes and narrowed them, wondering what troubles his younger sons were getting themselves into. There was suddenly a deep pang in his heart as he thought of his oldest son, who had been gone for months, and who he missed deeply.
The family had just received a letter from him about two weeks before. He had said he was doing well, that he had been keeping busy, and that he was hoping to return soon. This news had brought much joy to everyone in the family. Splinter could even see a flash of relief and a hint of a smile cross Raphael's face, who had barely spoken of Leonardo at all since he had left. Splinter knew that Raphael missed his brother very much, though his tough skinned son would never admit it.
The shouts in the other room slowly drifted away as a temporary peace seemed to take hold of the lair once more. Splinter once again closed his eyes and took another slow, deep breath. His mind once again began to relax and reach far into nothingness. He hoped that this meditation session might bring him feelings of his child abroad. A few times when Splinter had been able to completely relax, he had thought he felt his son near him, he wondered if Leonardo could feel him too.
Suddenly an agonized scream filled his ears and resounded through his head. Splinter's heart went cold and he tried to hold onto his state of meditation, not wanting to lose the connection to the pained being. A heart wrenching sob then echoed through his mind and Splinter could no longer keep his concentration and hold on. He opened his eyes and found himself lying on his back, his breaths coming quick and heavy, his fur wet with sweat.
He sat up quickly as a deep fear grabbed his heart. He had known that scream, he had known that sob. Somewhere far away from him, where Splinter could not reach him, Leonardo was suffering.
His body began to shake as fear and worry overtook him. He had an overwhelming desire to try and get to Central America, he needed to protect his child. But after a second of thought Splinter knew the attempt would be futile. There was no way he would find his child in those jungles. He didn't even know exactly what country Leonardo had ended up in.
A great feeling of helplessness took hold of him and Splinter allowed his face to fall in his hands, wet tears snaking their way silently down his cheeks. He would not tell his other sons about this, they worried enough for Leonardo already. But Splinter could not stop wondering if he had sent his precious Leonardo to his death, and if his family would ever see him again.
End of Flashback
It was after that the letters had stopped coming. Months had passed since that last correspondence and no more had made it to them. Splinter had begun to truly fear his son was dead. But then Leonardo had returned, miraculously uninjured and in one piece. Splinter had let the incident slip from his mind, relieved that Leonardo had been fine. But now, he realized he knew what the pain filled scream had been about. It had been in that moment that Leonardo had suffered the biggest emotional blow of his young life. Leonardo had returned to him physically unharmed, but mentally and emotionally Leonardo had been broken, and Splinter had failed to see it.
Splinter felt tears rising to his eyes as he gazed longingly at his son, who had made no further signs of recovery for days. It was no wonder he was depressed. He had suffered so many losses and disappointments which had only been worsened by his family's misunderstandings of him. None of them had ever known he had any other talents besides ninjitsu. None of them had been able to see through his strong façade and see the lost, suffering boy behind it. Splinter had failed his son on so many levels, and he hated himself for it.
"Oh, Leonardo." He said, his voice shaking with immense guilt. "You did not fail anyone. On the contrary, your deep love for everyone and everything around you has led you to the greatest successes, my son. It is I who have failed you, and for that I am so sorry."
His words were met with silence. He took a deep, shuddering breath, allowing tears to fall down his furry cheeks. He glanced slowly around the empty basement, taking comfort in receiving a few moments to himself to dwell on his son. April and Casey had taken the boys out again, and this time Splinter had been able to convince Raphael to join them. Ever since Raphael had finished reading the book a deeper feeling of guilt had taken hold of his son, stronger than it had been before. Splinter feared for Raphael, seeing his son falling into depression as well, just as his older brother had. Splinter felt like he was losing control of his family. How had he gone so wrong?
He sighed and turned his head back to his son. He looked down upon the small cat that lay on top of Leonardo's plastron. He suddenly began to understand the draw that his son and the cat had. They were both tortured souls, mistreated in some way by life that should have been so easy for ones so young. He had a feeling that Hope sensed this in his child and had been drawn to him because of this. 'Hope' purred softly next to him, rubbing her tiny face over Leonardo's fingers--which were moving again.
Splinter's heart leapt and he moved to Leonardo's face, looking for any sign that Leonardo may be awakening.
"Leonardo, my son." Splinter choked out, tears still streaming from his eyes. "Leonardo, please, my child. Come back to me. We need you. My son, follow my voice and come back to your family who loves you…"
He was floating gently in complete darkness, painless and free. He wasn't sure where he was. Was he dead? He honestly didn't know. But he felt comforted, the darkness was beckoning him back, promising safety and no more pain. He reached toward it, feeling the soothing blackness begin to swallow him.
But then he felt a warm, comforting presence around him causing him to hesitate. It was the same presence he had felt before, but for some reason it felt closer than before. It was small and unthreatening. There was no judgment or ill feelings from the warm being sharing the darkness with him. He reached his hand out to touch it, but it seemed just out of reach. He looked back to the darkness longingly, but turned his back to it, following the unseen presence, pushing himself further. As he moved, pain began to ebb at the edge of his mind and he hesitated. It hurt to go this way. Before he was painless and comforted, but now he was unsure. He was about to turn back when the warm presence he felt before surrounded him again, promising safety and urging him forward. He took a deep breath and continued to move toward it again, the pain becoming greater, but he was able to try and ignore it. As he moved he heard a rumble, it almost sounded like purring. He stretched his hand out once again to try and reach out for comfort from the light ahead, but once again was met with nothing.
Then a distant voice, a very familiar and comforting voice surrounded him. He knew that voice, but how? Who was it? He could not remember, but a feeling of great safety and love took hold of him and he felt a dire need to be closer to it. He could hear words being formed but he couldn't make them out. Once again he moved forward, feeling a great need to be near the voice. Suddenly there was a flash of light. He let out a gasp as pain greater than he could ever remember feeling took hold. He struggled to open his eyes but found himself unable.
"Leonardo, my son. Open your eyes." A voice nearby said. It was the same voice, but now it was much closer and clearer. He tried to push away the pain and once again open his eyes. "Come on, child. You are strong. Open your eyes and come back to me." The voice spoke. He felt deeply comforted and relaxed a bit, then tried once again to open his eyes, and immediately regretted it as bright searing light blinded him. It only lasted a second, because the light was suddenly blocked out by a figure looming over him.
"Welcome back, my son." The teary voice said.
Splinter gazed at his son's deep brown eyes with great relief and love. His son seemed lost and disoriented and in pain, but he was definitely there, awake, and looking at him.
"Leonardo." Splinter choked, emotion overwhelming him as he looked into the eyes he never thought he would see again. Suddenly his son seemed to notice the tube that was placed in his throat. His hand weakly moved to his mouth, his eyes filled with fear.
"Leonardo, it's ok." Splinter said, trying to calm him. Leonardo desperately grabbed at the tube in a panic, trying to pull it from his throat, and Splinter had to grab his son's good hand and carefully pull it away, and was surprised at how easy it was to do. Leonardo looked over at him with fearful eyes that broke Splinter's heart. "Leonardo, you must calm down. I am here, you are safe."
Leonardo's eyes seemed to calm slightly. Splinter suddenly felt tears spilling over his eyes once again, his body filled with overwhelmed relief at seeing his son looking at him, awake. "Oh, Leonardo." He whispered, putting a clawed hand on his son's cheek. "I was beginning to think you were lost." He felt a deep need to hold his son and leaned over, wrapping his arms around his child's body, pulling him close. "Oh, how I love you, my child. I love you so much." Splinter found he could no longer hold back the sobs he had been holding in for so long and he began to cry softly into his son's shoulder. He felt a weak hand grasp onto his robes and he held his son closer, unable to let go.
Splinter didn't know how long they remained like that, but when he raised his head, he saw his son staring back at him, his eyes moist as well. He carefully wiped the tears from Leonardo's eyes, then wiped them from his own, giving his child a reassuring smile.
He saw Leonardo's eyes wander to the small cat that had made her way up his plastron and was now sitting near his face, looking at him with her wide green eyes, purring loudly. Realization shone softly in his features as he stared at the small animal, realizing it was this that had coaxed him back from the dark. 'Hope' then leaned in closer and softly licked Leonardo's nose with her textured tongue. Splinter smiled warmly as he watched his son wrinkle his nose slightly, but could almost imagine a smile on his child's face under the ventilator.
He looked back at his son's face, and could see that Leonardo's eyes were beginning to drift shut. He knew Leonardo was still very weak and needed rest. He laid his hand back on Leonardo's forehead lovingly. "Go to sleep, child." He whispered soothingly. "I will still be here when you awake again. All will be well."
Leonardo slowly let his eyes slide shut. Before he let himself succumb to sleep, he weakly reached his hand out and grabbed for his father's. Splinter took it quickly and held it tight as he watched his son's body once again relax and enter the world of sleep.
Splinter lost track of all time as he sat there next to his son, grasping his hand and looking at the sleeping face with happiness flooding his features. He was dragged out of his thoughts when he heard the heavy footsteps of his sons returning from their night out. Donatello wasted no time in coming over to Splinter's side and putting his hands to his brother's neck.
"How is he?" Donny asked, already expecting the same answer as always. When he didn't receive one he looked at his father, seeing a large smile across his features and tears once again forming in his eyes. "What happened?"
It only took a few seconds for the other boys to join Donatello at Splinter's side. Splinter smiled at each of them, taking a deep breath. "He woke up." He said, his smile growing wider.
"Leo woke up!?" Mikey exclaimed. The largest smile he had sported in days crossed his face and he jumped over to the stairs. "April, Casey, Leo woke up! He woke up!"
"When?" Don asked excitedly.
"I don't know how long, but not too long ago." Splinter answered.
Raph's expression was unreadable. He looked torn, happy and relieved that his brother had shown signs of life, but upset that he hadn't been here. "I shoulda been here." Raph said softly. "I can't believe I left."
"It is well, Raphael." Splinter said softly. "Your brother was not alone. I was here. He was very disoriented and overwhelmed. It was probably for the best. Hopefully he will not make us wait too long before waking up again." Raphael didn't look convinced, but nodded.
"I need to call Sarah!" Don said, rushing to the phone. "She needs to know about this!"
"He woke up, he woke up, he woke up!" Mikey repeated over and over in the background. Splinter laughed loudly, his son's excitement infectious. Yes, his Leonardo had woken up. He was getting better physically, and hopefully, with the help of his family, they would all be able to mend him and themselves.
It was another day before Leonardo found the strength to open his eyes again. Sarah had come down that next morning, excitement in her voice that Leo had woken up. She had told them that the next time he woke up, she didn't care where she was, she wanted to be informed so she and Donny could examine him.
The rest of the family had not left Leo's side since returning the night before, all of them anxious to be there when their brother woke again. It was nearing evening when he had once again shown signs of life. Don had been the one to notice, seeing his brother's eyes fluttering and his hand once again moving over the soft coat of the orange tabby.
"Leo!" Donny had shouted, bringing his brother's movement to the attention of the rest of the family. Mikey, who had been dozing lightly in the old arm chair, had been startled so badly he had flipped backward in the chair, landing ungracefully on his carapace. It only took him a few seconds to regain his composure and jump up to his feet, hovering closely over his brother. Raph, in the excitement, had been pushed back behind Mikey, his eyes wide with anticipation, but made no movement closer.
Leo, on hearing Donny's excited voice, managed to get his eyes to open once again. The bright lights from the ceiling above once again blinded him and he squinted painfully. Donny quickly realized what was bothering him and moved into the path of the light, blocking it from his brother's sensitive eyes.
"Leo!" Mikey shouted, a smile plastered on his face. "Oh man, dude, you had us so worried!" He then moved toward his brother and wrapped him in a big hug. Leo's eyes showed surprise, but only for a moment. He relaxed into Mikey's embrace, feeling comforted by his loving younger brother. When Mikey had finally let go, Leo moved his eyes quickly to find his father, reaching out for him once he had found him standing not far away.
"I'm here, my son." Splinter said soothingly.
Donny moved away to call Sarah and inform her that Leo was awake. After assuring Donny that she would be there in a few minutes, Donny quickly hung up the phone and returned to his brother's side. "How are you feeling, bro?" He asked anxiously, looking at Leo with a scrutinizing gaze, trying to find any hint that something was wrong. Leo reached up weakly and touched the tube that was in his mouth, indicating he couldn't answer. Donny turned red with embarrassment. "Sorry, Leo, I forgot."
A few minutes later the basement door flew open and Sarah made her way quickly down the stairs, her stethoscope in hand. The other turtles moved aside at seeing her come in, knowing she would have to examine their brother. She came to Leo's side and smiled at him. "It's good to see you awake." She said in a bright voice.
Leo looked at her uncertainly, fear crossing his eyes. He turned his head, looking for his father's reassurance that this unknown person was safe. Splinter squeezed his son's hand tighter in reassurance. "It's ok, my son. This is Dr. Smith. She has been helping Donatello care for you. She is only here to help." Leo slowly turned his gaze back to her, still uncertain, but trusting his father. He let his body relax slightly.
"I'm going to listen to your heart and chest now, ok?" Sarah said, looking for Leo's approval to move forward. When he nodded weakly, she moved forward, listening. Everything seemed to be working normally. She wanted to get that tube out of his mouth for his own comfort and to get his lungs working on their own again. His lungs seemed clear.
"Don, I think we are going to try and remove this tube for him." Sarah said. Donny let a large smile cross his face and moved over to help.
"Are you sure?" Mikey asked meekly. "What if he can't breathe again like last time?"
"Then we'll put it back. But we have to let him try." Sarah explained. She then moved over to Leo. "Are you feeling up to this?" She asked, trying to gage how he felt. His eyes looked a bit frightened, but he nodded, resolution entering his eyes. "Alright, let's do this."
"You need to hold really still, ok Leo?" Donny said in his soothing, quiet voice. Leo nodded again, showing he understood. He reached out again for Splinter's hand, who took it again, offering his reassurance.
Sarah took a deep breath, then grabbed the base of the tube. "Ready?" She asked. Leo just looked back at her uncertainly. She took that as a yes. She quickly pulled the tube, letting it slide carefully out of his throat. Leo gagged roughly as she removed it, grabbing Splinter's hand tighter. He returned the squeeze.
Once the tube was out, the room was silent. Leo's face was twisted in pain and fear as he tried to get his body to obey him and take a breath. His lungs were burning. His hand grabbed Splinter's tighter and his body began to squirm as his body screamed for oxygen.
"Come on Leonardo, you can do this." Splinter murmured softly to his son's ear. "Relax, concentrate, you can do this."
Another agonizing few seconds went by without a response. Mikey began to show panic in his voice. "He isn't breathing!" he exclaimed. "Put it back!"
Sarah was making a move to do so, but Splinter held up his hand. "Give him another second." He said firmly. "Come on, my son. Breathe with me. In and out. Just breathe."
Finally Leo made a pained gasping sound, his underused lungs beginning to kick into action. He choked and gasped, taking another rattling breath. All around him his brothers cheered happily, but he could only concentrate on taking another pained breath, and another.
"Good, Leonardo, good." He heard Splinter say encouragingly from his side. Each new breath seemed to come a little easier, and soon he was breathing more easily on his own, the burning in his chest beginning to subside. His throat was dry and swollen and his entire body hurt, but he was free of that tube and breathing on his own. Leo let a weak smile cross his face. He didn't feel like he could speak yet, and the effort he exerted in taking his first breaths on his own in days had left him feeling drained and tired. He glanced slowly at his youngest brother's face who was now sitting right next to him, tears brimming his eyes. He wanted to say comforting words to Mikey and tell him not to worry about him, but he couldn't find the energy to speak.
Suddenly Mikey wrapped his arms around his brother once again, holding Leo tightly to his body. "I love you, Leo." He murmured softly into Leo's ear. Leo felt tears threatening to fall as he melted into his brother's loving embrace. He raised the one arm he could move and wrapped it weakly around his brother, trying to return the hug.
He suddenly felt another body wrapping his arms around him and looked to his other side and saw Donny looming over him, also pulling him into a hug. He closed his eyes and relished in his brothers presence. "I love you too, Leo." Donny said softly. He felt drops of water on his face and looked up and saw Donny's eyes moist with tears. He wondered vaguely where Raph was, but his mind was beginning to shut down and his body relaxing into sleep. It wasn't long before Leo's body went limp, falling into sleep, still being held by the loving arms of his brothers.
Raph watched the teary reunion of his family from the sidelines. He wanted so badly to join in, to hug Leo and say the things he had wanted to say for days, but he found himself rooted to the spot, his mouth dry, his mind unable to come up with words.
So he watched with moist eyes and relief as his brother took his first shuddering breaths on his own, and as his other brothers made their feelings known. He wished desperately that feelings came that easily for him, but when he made the move to step forward, something stopped him, and he took a step back, frustrated with himself for being so weak.
When Mikey and Don had finally stepped away from their brother, he was asleep once again. It was such a relief to see him laying there, taking breaths on his own. Raph stayed away a few moments longer as Sarah and Don moved around Leo, checking him over and making sure he was healing physically.
Once activity began to clear around his brother, Raph up righted the seat Mikey had knocked over earlier in his excitement, and sat down, looking regretfully over at Leo. He had had his chance to say everything he had dreamed of saying to Leo since the accident, but like a chump, he had frozen up and had been unable to find the words.
Raph sighed and took his brother's hand. Leo was on the mend. His body was beginning to physically heal. There would be plenty of time for him to talk to his older brother. Today would be Mikey and Donny's day, the next time, he would say everything he needed to.
He looked up toward Leo's face and saw 'Hope' making her way up Leo's plastron and curling up lightly next to Leo's face on his pillow. He didn't know what it was about this cat that kept awakening something in his brother, but he couldn't help but be thankful for the small creature. He reached his hand out and 'Hope' purred softly and rubbed her face lightly on the tip of his finger. Raph smiled and found himself stroking the cat lightly for the first time since she had joined their little group. He found it relaxing, and soon he found himself drifting off into a deep sleep, the first deep sleep he had had for days.