Author's Note: I have not been able to thank many of you individually for the reviews, favorites or follows but I appreciate them very much. A big thanks to lontanissima and Roni (a wonderful Beta) for all the help. To all of you who have read some of my other stories, you'll know what the following words mean…just take a deep breath for this chapter. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.
Chapter 11
Say Something
The fog surrounded him as he stood under the spray of the searing water. Each drop stung and made him flinch as it left red traces on his back. He was desperate to feel anything but the sadness that consumed him. He expected to be filled with anger, for it to bubble inside him with so much fury that he would have the desperate desire of confronting her. He had tried everything to rid himself of the tension in his body and mind. He had met his sponsor, made it to a meeting, most of his night had been spent in front of the television, and before the shower he had fixed himself the last traces of food from his fridge.
His chest had constricted the moment he tried lying in bed, despite not having shared it with a woman in some time. He had never felt so lonely. Sleep eluded him - he frequently dreamt of someday seeing Sharon lay beside him. When the images had begun to overwhelm him, he had anxiously left the solitude of his bed to try and find some comfort. Nothing had helped. There was one fact he couldn't hide from - not even the scorching water could burn it away - he was unquestionably, head over heels in love with her.
After months of hoping that friendship and patience could lead to a different future by her side, she'd ran. A kiss that had confirmed all his feelings had scared her away. It was in that moment that his fantasy of a life by her side had disappeared and reality had dawned on him. It had struck him so violently, he could still feel the ricochet of the blow. Romantic would never be a way he could describe his and Sharon's relationship and it hurt more than the hot sprays burning through his skin. In a couple of hours he would have to see her again and the thought terrified him. Would he be capable of disguising and denying his feelings for her? Would she allow him to be a part of her life, even as just a friend? Could he act as if everything was the same as before?
Perhaps it was the cloud of emotions he we struggling to navigate through, but his sponsor had made one recommendation and it sounded reasonable; besides Sharon's friendship he needed to broaden his acquaintances and enjoy the company of another woman. He needed a dating life. One that could slowly take this insistent love for Sharon away. Just as his sponsor had said, maybe moving on was extremely doubtful, but pining on her was unhealthy. He couldn't remember the last time he had been in such a dangerous place where he was in such dire need for a drink.
He suppressed the sudden urge of calling her every time her I am so sorry repeated in his mind. Andy was sure she wouldn't ignore his call, but also knew her well. Sharon needed time to prepare the perfect words and phrases to show her fight for their friendship and make the situation as rational as she could. Talking to her would also be a bad decision on his part. He still felt the need to shout, disagree, argue, feel the rage rush through him and hear it fill his words, and then let the venom slither off his tongue. Yet the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her. He would take this time to find a way to mask his feelings. Allow her to see that he could be her friend without expecting anything more.
Andy lifted his head at the sound of his phone ringing, wincing as the water struck the back of his head. He exhaled a long breath, switching the water off. For the first time he was glad to be called in for a case in the middle of the night.
Sharon sat at her dining room table in the dim light supplied by the lamps in the living room. Despite her cup of coffee and sweatshirt she felt remarkably cold. She knew it was more than the chilly hardwood against her feet. She was too restless to sleep. Her mind was on one thing, on one person.
Abby woke up to Sharon gone from bed. She found her with her back hunched and soft depressing sighs escaping her every few minutes. After observing her, she walked to her, took the seat beside her and smiled. When Sharon's eyes lightened marginally, Abigail pulled the mug out of her sister's closed grasp and took a sip. Taking a closer look at her she noticed the dark shades under her eyes and the lack of messy bed hair.
"You haven't slept." Abigail said before taking another sip and frowning at its bitterness.
Sharon wasn't someone who drank her coffee black, but it reminded her of Andy. The countless times she teased him about him burning a hole through his stomach. She wanted to feel close to him, even if it was in a small way.
"I couldn't." Sharon shrugged, standing up, walking over to the coffee maker and serving herself another cup. She placed the pot down in its place and looked back at her sister. Her eyes were filled with gloom as she leaned against the counter and breathed out. "I can't stop thinking about him." Another long sigh escaped her lips.
Accepting that she had messed up momentously by leaving Andy without an explanation brought her some anxiety. What if he wasn't willing to give her another chance? She had left him standing in the middle of the dance floor after a kiss that shook her to the core. She had almost called him during the night, but there was something about having a life with Jack, a judge for a father and working in Internal Affairs that had taught her one similar lesson. She learned that some people needed time and space. After running out on him she expected he would want time alone. If the tables were turned it would be what she would want. Then giving him too much time could also be detrimental.
Abby smiled and nodded her head. "And? What did you come up with?"
Sharon quickly responded with the only thought she had all night, "I need to talk to him," looking over at the clock on the oven, "but it's too early to call him." Her vice shook with uneasiness. She moved back to her seat with the mug warming her hands and calming the unnerving feeling that had been building throughout the night. "I'm afraid the more time passes, the worse this situation will get. He will confuse my reasons for leaving him there. I also want to give him his space and time." She inhaled a long breath and licked her lips nervously.
Losing him indefinitely was more probable now than ever before. The irony was that she was not afraid of allowing herself to think of Andy as the man she loved anymore. Her heart fluttered in her chest as she thought of the way being in his arms felt. She'd known she loved him for a while, little things here and there, but denied it within herself. Now it was all she could think about - how Andy's smile made her stomach flip, spending time with him outside of work brought warmth to her all over, the sound of his voice soothed her worries. It was all of him, both personally and physically, which made her heart swell with so much emotion. She just wanted to be with him, no more hiding or running.
Abby glanced at the clock, it was several minutes before five. She hadn't been able to sleep comfortably either. Andy wasn't well when he had left her and besides a brief response to let her know he was fine last night she couldn't be certain how he was truly. Her sister looked miserable, both in her worry and loathing. With the knowledge that there was only one way to solve the issue she abruptly stood up and pulled Sharon by her elbow, tugging on her arm so she could stand.
"What has gotten into you?" Sharon voiced concerned and annoyed.
"You are going to get dressed," Abby started pushing her down the hallway towards the bedroom. "And you're going to drive to his place." They halted at Sharon's resistance as she turned to face her with dread in her eyes. "No arguing, no overthinking." Abby voiced sternly. "I will drive you myself and leave you stranded there, if I have to. You'll have no other choice but to knock on his door."
A rebuttal was on the tip of her tongue, but the thought of seeing Andy made her swallow down the nervousness of talking to him and clarifying things and brought a smile to her face. She knew Andy, he would draw up conclusions and blame her, fleeing on himself. Things might not have answers after a few minutes of conversation, but she could be honest with him. The honesty he had deserved since the first time her thoughts had no longer been platonic. They could solve this mess. Instead of speaking a word and wasting time, she turned quickly and made her own way to the bedroom. She could feel her sister's grin burning into her back.
While Sharon was showering, Abby picked her clothes carefully down to the very last garment. There were plans A through Z and Abigail had intended to execute every one of them until both her sister and Andy were talking truths. She was grateful none had been needed yet. If Sharon appeared on his doorstep, things would be fine, but if they waited any longer, it would give them too much time to think. She looked up at sound of the ringing phone coming from the bathroom and listened carefully as Sharon responded. Then groaned when the word victim entered the conversation. It was as if the world was conspiring against them. A long frustrated sigh floated in from the bathroom making Abby cringe. She understood. Who knew what it would take to build up her sister's courage again. They were there at the edge, so close and something always stopped it. Abigail lifted the jeans and blouse off the bed, returning them to their places, and prepared a more work appropriate attire. When Sharon exited the bathroom, her sister tried giving her an encouraging smile.
"Duty calls," she said solemnly before returning to the confinement of the bathroom.
Sharon set the clothes down on the marble counter and let out a steady breath. She shook her hands out at her sides, all the adrenaline wearing off and filling her with conflicting feelings. No call for a case meant she would be on her way to see Andy, knocking on his door. It didn't terrify her anymore, it brought a smile to her lips. The possibility of kissing him again, of his hands burning her skin with his soft touch excited her. A few more hours. At the end of the day she would ask him out for dinner, she would take the initiative. Hopefully, that would show her willingness to make things work between them. For the first time she felt slightly optimistic. Maybe they still had a chance. The first task however was making it through the day while remaining professional.
When the doors opened again, it was Captain Raydor exiting the room. Her posture straight, her lips in a thin line and all previous bravery slowly vanishing. "I don't know when I'll be back." Sharon said as she holstered her gun.
Abby watched her as she sat up in bed under the sheets. "You'll find a moment to talk to him." She said encouragingly. There was no doubt her sister would start building up all the walls that protected her feelings. "Don't go hiding again." She added with a bit of teasing but also concern in her voice. "Shari?" She called when there was no immediate response.
She sighed internally and looked at her, "With you? Never again." Sharon promised her with a smile. It was not what Abby wanted to hear, but it would have to do and she could only assure her that much. "Get some sleep and please tell Rusty we made amends, he'll be worried." She grabbed her jacket and said goodbye.
When she arrived in the murder room, it was with trepidation. What if Andy ignored her? Or treated her indifferently? She hadn't been prepared for the way her heart raced at the sight of him or how her palms went sweaty, and the ridiculous smile that reached her lips when she remembered the kiss. She schooled her features before anyone could catch a glimpse of Captain Raydor flailing over her Lieutenant. When Andy offered a warm yet tight smile and politely wished her good morning, it didn't sit well and filled her with worry and anxiety. She could read him with such ease. He was upset.
During her briefing from the team his eyes remained focused on his notes, his lips mumbling out intangible facts. It was unusual, he usually spared her the messy extras and only gave her the necessary facts. Also, the pad of paper worried her, one of the great traits he had as a Detective was his memory and precision for details. Andy never wrote things down, he had literally called it pointless many times before. When he was done, he softly tossed the pad onto his desk along with the pen. Her eyes remained on him for an extra second when Sykes continued. She was searching for something, some sign that told her his foul and uncharacteristically odd mood was not because of her. Her eyes finally moved over to the young Detective as she finished.
"Bring him in anyway, I want to talk to him." Sharon voiced and looked at Andy, his eyes were on her with his arms folded in front of his chest. "I need you to go with her."
The silence was heavy for a few seconds where she began to grow a bit concerned. His eyes dimmed slightly and he looked away as he nodded once. His usual smile gone, the lingering stare and appreciation of her outfit absent as he made his way out with Amy behind him without any other sign of acknowledgement.
The impulse to follow him nearly took over as something caught her eye. He popped in the recently absent, yet familiar toothpick. She swallowed nervously, her throat dry as the knot went down. He had confided in her once that the odd habit had come from the need of a smoke, anything that could satisfy the nagging thirst for a drink. It kept his mouth busy and settled his temptations. Even if it only helped temporarily. After all those years he needed it again. Was it her fault?
When Sharon looked back at the team, only Provenza was also staring with curiosity at the place Andy had just been standing. His eyes met hers and he gave her a quizzical and concerned look. Anxious and unsure of what to say, she turned on her heel, her feelings mirroring the older Lieutenant's as she returned to her office. Was she responsible? She felt stupid for asking herself the question. Of course she was. She knew she had a lot to discuss with Andy, but she couldn't chase after him, not during work. They needed a private place with time to talk about everything.
Andy knew he had demons, many that could overlap or coexist with Sharon's. However, he had noticed that hers seemed to always be haunting her, looming over her like a grey cloud. He had watched her hold back her emotions so many times, it worried him that she had no one to share her burdens with. Thinking of their first late night phone call still surprised him—
He was dead asleep when his phone rang. The bed was warm, sheets wrinkled and pushed to the foot of the bed, his pillow fisted under his head. He let out a groan on the second ring. Taylor had promised the day off after they had closed a difficult case. It could only be one person, his partner calling for a ride home from some dirty bar. It rang a third time while he flipped over in bed and reached for the phone. The charging cord was yanked from the wall as he tugged too hard.
"This better be good," he growled turning his head back into the warmth of his pillow.
There was a short pause, "I can't sleep." His eyes shot open in disbelief. It was the soft timber of her voice, so soothing like always. She offered no other explanation, no immediate apology, but her breathing was deep on the other line, he knew she was keeping herself from crying.
The case had been a tough one. The ones with children always were. He had wanted to hug her after she had delivered the bad news to the child's parents. The tears in her eyes visible, she had cleared her throat several times to compose herself, but it was always Sharon to him. His friend. Even as she straightened up, he could only see the woman who went to dinners with him.
He pushed up trying to stop his yawning in order to respond. "I'm glad you called."
There was a weary chuckle on the other end, "Are you sure about that?" He imagined her sitting in bed like him, her hair a mess from tossing and turning all night, covered in that sweet intoxicating smell of hers. "You weren't happy when you answered." He picked up on the hesitation immediately.
"I am. Happy you called I mean." He said with a small smile hoping she could hear it through the telephone. "Wanna talk about it?" He asked cautiously. He could hear her shake her head before she cleared her throat.
"No," the call was silent for a few minutes where they listened to each other's breathing and nothing else. It wasn't awkward but needed and welcomed. "I just wanted to talk to you." It was shy and whispered softly. "You have any remedies for me?" She joked.
"Provenza says I could put anyone to sleep with my overly-detailed stories." He smiled when she laughed.
She ended with the sound he loved the most, a hum, "Tell the Lieutenant I like your stories." He smiled when he heard her shift, he was sure she was in bed now. Her voice was low, "I'm waiting, Andrew."
Oh, it felt like he was being asked to tell her a bedtime story. He started quickly, something about his grandchildren. It turned into a conversation, her questions encouraging him to continue. The memory of Sharon snorting into the telephone every time he tried to amuse her but failed would always bring a smile to his lips. He loved her laugh, it filled him with so much happiness and joy. He was hugging the pillow against his chest, head back against the headboard, when he called her name and there was no answer. Her breathing was even, he closed his eyes with a smile grazing his face. Knowing he had been with her when she had fallen asleep warmed him inside.
"Good night, Sharon." He called softly before waiting a few more minutes and ending the call.
He had a hard time going back to bed that night. He wondered what side of the bed she slept on. If she smiled in her sleep? What she wore to bed? How long she had been having trouble sleeping?
Those calls happened more frequently after that. He often took initiative in calling her, knowing it helped them both settle for the night. It was an escape for both of them, their voices a safe haven. He wanted to continue having that with her. The only thing she ever needed to know was that with him she was safe. He planned to show her that friendship was all he ever wanted, even if he wanted her love, too.
His heartbeat accelerated at the sound of her heels stopping behind him as he stood in the break room. Even when she was in IA he never felt nervous when he was called into her office. He knew she wouldn't approach unless he let her know it was alright. She needed a signal that they were good, no hard feelings. He tossed the toothpick in the trash bin and turned to look at her. Her eyes betrayed her stance - her posture conveyed strength and confidence, but she was exhausted and worried. He noticed the pink mug his grandchildren had made for her in their afterschool program. Her thumb rubbing over the chip to calm her nerves.
She knew that it was up to her to initiate the conversation. Surely the fact that Andy hadn't left and was staring in her direction was a good sign. Wasn't it?
"Looks like we had the same idea." Her voice betrayed her, it expressed the whole amount of apology and worry she was carrying.
There may have been a flood of want and desire every time he saw her, but he needed to learn how to push those thoughts away. To be professional at work and her friend afterwards. He offered a smile, but looked away quickly. It was too damn hard.
"Yes, Provenza was giving me a headache." He gritted his teeth in uneasiness. She watched him bring down her tea blends from the cupboards and set them next to the hot water. It felt like a peace offering, letting her know things would eventually be fine between them. "I should get back before he has a fit." He quietly made his way towards the door with visible urgency.
She took small steps toward the counter, but stopped and looked at his retreating form. They couldn't continue like this. Sharon swallowed quickly as she told herself it was now or never. She would ask him to dinner, there was no reason for things to be this awkward. Besides loving him, they were friends, adults who could behave as professionals, just like they always had. He was turning everything upside down in her life and, although terrifying, she wanted to live it. To enjoy every moment of it. She wanted more than the constant flirting and heated glances. She wanted him.
"Andy." He immediately felt sick. The way his name so hesitantly left her lips made the hurt from last night fall upon him again. He looked back at her. Ten more steps till he reached the door and only five away from her. His hands itched in the need to touch her. Sharon took a step toward him, trying to keep her body language open. Four steps between them, he closed his eyes for the briefest moment. A chant in his mind to restrain himself from taking the last few and closing the space between them. "I was hoping we could talk… about last night." She swallowed the nervousness away. He looked at the door and back at her, surprised she brought it up at work. "I know it's not professional to talk about it right now, but maybe we could have dinner and talk then?" She searched his face for some expression, but he gave her nothing. She paused collecting her thoughts and composure before she tried to continue. "I think we both have a lot to say and…"
He cleared his throat cutting her off. Sharon furrowed her brow and shifted the step she had taken forward, back. Her right hand seeking a pocket to hide the way her body shook. She failed to find safety and instead both her hands grasped the mug tightly.
"Look, Sharon, we both got caught in the moment." Despite the pain and hurt he was battling, he shrugged and offered the best smile he could. He hoped he could offer her some reassurance. She bit the inside of her cheek, stopping herself from interrupting. "We work together and sometimes see each other outside of work, people that spend that much time together are bound to confuse their feelings." Sharon's stomach tightened instantly, a sickening feeling that made the smell of coffee rancid.
Andy looked out the window acting as if he was searching for someone, but was actually giving himself the much needed breath to control his emotions. Sharon didn't want to cry, at least not then or there. She moved closer to him, hoping he would look at her the way he did just last night and see what she was feeling. He continued shakily when he noticed her at arm's length.
"It's like you said, it would never work."
He stopped speaking forcing himself to suppress the rare urge to cry. Her heart was hammering in her chest, she lifted a hand to place on his arm, but he took a few steps back toward the door. She withdrew it quickly as if she had been burned. Andy didn't know what would happen if she touched him, he would probably lose all rational thought. He hated himself for the way her eyes looked so incredibly lost and hurt. But one touch from her would be their ending. He would not be able to keep this false up anymore.
He forced himself to continue the words he had practiced all night, "I get it, though, we work really well as friends. I'd hate to lose that." Sharon was caught off guard, she didn't expect Andy to be happy about the situation, but neither that he would think it was an absolute mistake. "We can forget it ever happened." She wanted to shake her head, say something, anything. Her legs trembled under her weight, wanting to move after him, but he had already pulled away from her. She wouldn't be able to take it if he did it again. Her hands shook, the mug threatening to fall out of her grasp. Every part of her protesting. "I'm going before Provenza has a fit." She opened her mouth to stop him, but no sound came out, her eyes following him as he left the breakroom.
The sound of the door closing echoed in the room, she jumped, the startle pulling her out of her shock. A small noise of protest left her lips. She was too late. He was gone.
His reaction, although shocking and painful, was not wrong. She had hurt him and he was doing his best to resolve the situation without compromising their friendship. After everything he was still worried about her and the promise he had made to never disappear on her. Tears stung her eyes. As she exhaled and inhaled again, her chest constricted. The first tear trickled down her cheek, she shook her head wiping it away, but the second one flowed much quicker. It was her fault, the guilt took over any courage she had felt just hours ago. How could she ever fix this now? She had let him get away.
Andy stopped in the hallway and looked back at the breakroom door. He clenched his jaw. Every word he spoke was a script he had practiced in his head over and over, but it was nothing more than a lie. It was not a mistake and he would never forget the way she felt against him. How sweet she tasted. The moment he shared with her was everything and more. However, he would do it for her. Be her colleague and friend. He needed her in his life it may be irrational but she was a live source for him. Amicable was better than nothing. Before he could change his mind and return to her, he forced himself to the murder room.
He had no idea Sharon was doing her best to control the shallow breaths and the pain in her chest. After a couple of minutes she reminded herself she was at work and levelled herself, wiped away her tears, straightened her jacket and took a cleansing breath. She was at work and as she returned to the case it was only the Captain who made an appearance, there was no room for Sharon there.
When Abby arrived home it was to a darkened condo. She frowned, usually either Sharon or Rusty was waiting up for her. As she made her way down the hallway, the sound of sniffling startled her. Her pace quickened. At the sight of her sister curled up in a sitting position in bed, she knew exactly what was going on. Sharon's legs were pulled up to her chest, her arms around them and her head resting on her knees. Abigail walked over and sat beside her. She tentatively rested a hand on her back and only moved it soothingly when Sharon's rigid body relaxed underneath her touch.
Abby wasn't sure how long she had been crying, but her body shook with every breath and it didn't seem as if she was ready to stop. Sharon never let anyone see her cry, not like this. She leaned forward and kissed her temple, brushing her hair out of her face. It was just like when they were young, but with their roles reversed. Abby would hide in her bedroom when she was crying and wait for Sharon, only she could console her.
"Hun," Abigail whispered. She hated seeing her that way. She felt a pang of guilt for not having realized the love Andy and Sharon had for one another sooner. Sharon had gone out of her way to keep her feelings a secret, so her sister could be happy. And now, maybe because she had waited too long, something had gone awfully wrong. Sharon was heartbroken. "Shari?"
Her head lifted, extracting herself from the position she had been in since she made it home. Her mascara had ran and she knew she looked terrible, that her face was blotchy and her eyes swollen. The tears hadn't stopped since she had made it to her car. After their talk in the breakroom Andy had been cordial and professional. He'd wished her good night, but hadn't insisted on walking her out like he did usually. He was putting space between them and it hurt every single part of her.
Her voice shook and was dry, "I can't…" she shook her head when it cracked. "I can't talk about it."
Abby nodded and instead stood, pulling back the covers. "You need to sleep." She wasn't going to push, not now. Sharon found her place underneath the blankets and closed her eyes. Tears still ran down her face when Abby turned off the lamp on the bedside table.
She didn't fall asleep immediately. It wasn't hard to believe this was happening to her, it had been her own fault. Sharon loved Andy and the reason she had fought her feelings for so long was because she was scared of ending up alone, but it was exactly what she had achieved. Loneliness.