I don't own these characters. They are the sole property of Stephanie Meyers. I only borrow them. No humans are permanently harmed through my actions, though I do confess to harassing, annoying, torturing, and exasperating them – just because it's fun. I make no money from my little stories, sad day. I only play in the sandbox, I didn't build it.

Chapter 11: Bitch, Thy Name is Lauren

Edward's POV

Alice and Rosalie and Angela told me they were taking Bella to Port Angeles today. It had been a long ass week, though as far as I knew, none of the teachers knew about our little situation just yet. Apparently, Mrs. DiGorgio had been mum on the topic and Mrs. Cope didn't seem to be gossiping. I wasn't sure yet which one of us was the most relieved – Bella or me. Neither one of us was ready for the talk that our news would rouse up – and there would be a lot of it.

Anyway, Alice declared that Bella needed a little pampering, and she and Angela were treating her to some time at a spa. Bella usually hated that sort of shit, but I could tell she sort of needed to not think about things for a while, and I knew from my mom and Rosalie that a "spa day" was probably exactly what she needed. Besides, Rosalie told me not to be a dick about it and encourage Bella to go.

So I did, mostly to keep my nuts attached.

Rosalie had decided that I was to blame for the whole damned mess, so she was being extra nice (especially for Rosalie) to Bella. And really, she was right. It was yours truly who had decided to A) bang Bella against the wall, and B) not haul my lazy ass up to my room to get a condom first (or even better, kept one in my pocket – a solution that had only occurred to me after seeing the little stick change our lives). So long as Rosie was being nice to Bella, I didn't mind taking the blame so much. Bella needed it more than I did.

And besides, Rosalie was scary. But at least Bella would be taken care of, since Rosalie was pretty much like a pit bull now with Bella. She'd watch over Bella whether Bella wanted to be guarded or not.

I told Bella that I'd be driving to Port Angeles too, mostly just to get the hell out of Forks. It was getting uncomfortable being around my dad. He kept looking at me like he was expecting...something. I wasn't sure what. But I knew I wasn't delivering. There was this look of almost disappointment in his eyes that was starting to get on my nerves. Pissed off? That was understandable. Cold and unapproachable? Nothing less than expected. But this was freaking me the fuck out and I didn't like it.

When I asked my mom about it, she just kissed me and said, "Oh you two men will have to work that out on your own, Edward." Then she smiled. "But remember, your father loves you just as much as I do. Sometimes it's just harder for him to show you." Then she giggled. "His mom didn't breastfeed him, so it's no surprise that sometimes he's closed off from those he loves." It was an old joke. I hated it. My mom knew that, thus the basis of its appeal for her. After all, she had adopted us, so we hadn't been…never mind. Don't need to go there.

I rolled my eyes and concentrated on not vomiting. The thought of Grammy Cullen's boobs… Ugh. That was a visual I could do without. Forever.

Bella texted me when Alice and Angela arrived to pick her up. Rosie had already gone over to Bella's house first thing in the morning. The Swans were still speaking to her, so that was good. Everyone knew that it was the horny motherfucker (which was now literally true, I suppose) that had caused all the problems.

It was this guy.

So I found myself wandering the streets of Port Angeles, weren't really all that much more interesting than Forks actually. Fuck. My. Life. I wondered if Bella was having a good time "getting waxed and buffed and polished and plucked to within an inch" of her life as she had described it. I allowed myself to wonder (I'm the horny motherfucker, remember?) if she was getting waxed and where exactly. Even more importantly, I wondered if she'd be willing play Show & Tell later.

My dick was of the opinion that it was a good idea.

Of course, my dick is well…a dick. As our current situation proves.

I went into the bookstore, intending to buy Bella another copy of Wuthering Heights. Hers was looking pretty fucking sad at this point. I hated that book, and I'd only read it under duress. There was no way in hell I'd ever read it again. But Bella seemed to like it. Of course, there was no accounting for taste, since Bella seemed to love my sorry ass. I was just glad she did. Then I got distracted and found myself in the Baby & Pregnancy section.

I looked around to make sure no one was watching and I picked up a book that looked like it was straight out of the fucking 50s. Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads. It had a picture of a lumberjack looking dad with a baby in one of those bizarre backpack things. I shuddered. Too weird.

I put it back. I looked down a bit. Holy Shit. There was a whole fucking section on Teenage Pregnancy. Apparently I wasn't the only horny motherfucker out there. Who knew? Slyly, I picked one up.

Your Baby's First Year: A Guide for Teenage Parents.

Well…fuck me. That was me. That was us. We were going to be teenaged parents. I flipped through it, noticing that the kids in it didn't seem so very different than Bell and me. We weren't special. We didn't lead charmed lives – not anymore. Now we were facing a shitload of reality.

I couldn't stand it anymore so I shoved the book back on the shelf and lit out of there like I had Lauren Mallory on my ass. I walked and kept on walking once I left. I didn't know where I was going. Or care much either. I found myself looking in the shop windows, but not really seeing what was there.

And then…

Then I saw something. Something that caught my eye. I had been wandering around, lost and confused and frankly scared to death, and something I saw there called out to me, though I had no fucking clue why. I only knew that something deep inside of me went "BING!" The guy inside saw me looking and gave me a big smile and waved me inside – all used car salesman like. I snorted. Now was not the time.

No fucking way.

Wasn't happening.

I didn't want to hear his sales pitch. My life was complicated enough. And then I opened the fucking door.

An hour later I walked out with something tucked away in my pocket – and an idea.

Was I fucking insane?

Probably.

Bella's POV

Okay, so the spa day wasn't complete torture. Just mostly. While the massage was heavenly – even after I had to inform the massage therapist with a blush that I was pregnant – I could have done without the pedicure. I just don't like people touching my feet. It gave me the creeps. So I endured that in silence, though Alice could tell by my expression that I just wanted to yank my feet away and tuck them under me like a cat.

But at the end of it, I did feel more relaxed and less pregnant, if such a thing is possible. I felt more like Regular Bella and less like Pregnant Bella. They were two very different people and that was only just starting to dawn on me.

I called Edward when I got home and he sounded weird. Not just the "I'm horny" weird, but like something was definitely off. I pressed him but he just sort of skirted around the issue. I let it go because I knew Edward well enough to be sure that he wasn't going to talk even one nanosecond before he was ready. That's just how my man was.

I had half-expected him to beg me to come over to see him, mostly since him being in my house had gotten a tad uncomfortable. Now my mother had decided that we shouldn't be left alone in my room together. That cracked me up, especially since it was a few months too late. Did she think he was going to impregnate me twice? But Edward told me I sounded tired (I was) and told me to get some sleep (I promised I would) and then told me he loved me.

"I'd do anything for you…and the baby too," he said just before he hung up. "You know that, right?"

I was already feeling sleepy. "Yeah, baby, I know that." I rubbed my hand on my belly, though the idea of a whole other person being in there didn't seem real yet. "We love you too."

I heard him take a quick breath. "I like the sound of that," he said. "Night, Bella."

I was asleep almost before I hung up the phone.

Edward's POV

The weekend was over which meant it was time to go back to school. First thing Monday morning, Mrs. DiGorgio pulled us into her office. She smiled at us and asked how our weekend was. We both muttered something all sociable and polite, wondering what the hell was up now.

"I wanted to let you know that I've discussed things with your teachers," she said gently. I felt Bella's hand lock around mine. "I felt it was best just in case Bella needed to be excused because she wasn't feeling well or something. Knowing the facts will allow her teachers to be more flexible." She smiled at Bella. "Pregnancy is very demanding physically, especially in someone your age, Bella." She didn't say it all bitchy, just like she was stating a fact. "And I want to make sure that you're okay…physically as well as in other ways."

She smiled at us again. "I want you both to know that my door is always open. If you need to talk, if you're having problems with a teacher or another student… Please, I want you to feel free to speak with me." Mrs. DiGorgio sighed and sat back in her chair. "I'm sure between all of us we can ensure that you two live up to your potential. I have great faith in you."

I thanked her while Bella cried a little. I had started carrying tissues in my pocket which made me feel gay as hell, but you do what you've gotta do. So Monday I was feeling pretty positive.

Which should have been my first fucking clue that it was all about to go to hell.

We had both really hoped we'd have some more time to figure things out before it all went public. Of course, we'd also hoped we'd have our first kid sometime after college too. And I'm sure Baby C would have liked to have had a doctor and a lawyer for parents, but we all know how that worked out, don't we? You don't always get what you hope for.

So now it's Tuesday and Bella and I are fucked. Well, more fucked. She barfed at school today…in the lunchroom in glorious full color and with an audience. And really, I can't completely blame the pregnancy. Who the fuck thought that tuna casserole was a good menu option? No one actually eats that shit.

But the smell… Oh fuck me, the smell was bad and I'm not even growing a person inside of me. So Bella's lunch made a reappearance. Not a shock, considering.

Lauren Mallory, that bitch, kind of snorted and said in a nasty voice, "God, Bella, are you knocked up or something?"

Of course, she was just kidding in that mean, nasty way she has because she was a born bitch. But Bella's got no fucking poker face. At all. So one look at Bella's face and Lauren immediately knew she had hit pay dirt. Why did it have to be Lauren? And why now? We'd been counting on at least a month before everyone knew. A month before everyone started whispering behind our backs, snickering at our stupidity, wondering what we'd do next. At least a single, blissful month when the pressure to tell our parents was off and before we had to deal with the pressure of everyone else.

But no, stupid, fucking Lauren Mallory had to blow that for us. Lauren gaped at Bella for a moment and then she said in a really loud voice that probably carried to Seattle, "Oh. My. God. You are. You're pregnant!" She howled with laughter at that point. She looked from Bella to me. "Oh wow," she drawled. "How the mighty have fallen." Lauren gave Bella one last nasty look and shook her head. "Looks like you're not so smart after all, Bella." Lauren looked at me and gave a sly, sick smile. "When you get tired of the little mama, call me." She rolled her eyes. "At least I know how not to get pregnant." Then she strolled out of the lunch room, not even caring about what she'd done. Typical.

I would probably have gone after her and shown her just how much I didn't appreciate her lack of manners and her behavior toward Bella, but Bella tugged at my hand. I looked down at her and saw that the green hue hadn't really faded from her face. She was trying not to meet the eyes of anyone in the lunchroom, and finally just sort of buried her face in my shoulder.

"Can you take me home, please?" she begged.

I put my arm around her, gave everyone a good, hard look to let them know that we were still together and that I wasn't going to listen to anyone talk any shit about her or our situation. Angela nodded. Take care of her, she mouthed. I'd never talk shit about Alice or Angela again; even when they cock blocked me.

"Will you tell-?"

I didn't even have a chance to finish the sentence before Angela was nodding and shooing us toward the exit. I knew she'd take care of telling our next period teacher that Bella and I wouldn't be there.

And suddenly I was really fucking glad that Mrs. DiGorgio had told them and that she, at least, was on our side. Then I got Bella to my house (because I'm a chicken shit and didn't want to be there when her mom got home) and held her while she cried.

You do what you've gotta do.