Disclaimer: I don't own PJO
Chapter 11: Crusty, Death's Door, and Satyr Hooves Make my Day
The rest of the trip westward was relatively pleasant. All things considered. It was a typical stroll across the United States for a demigod.
In other words, we almost died multiple times.
First there was Medusa, who tried to turn us all into garden gnomes. She wasn't all that bad though; we found out where the entrance to the underworld was in DOA Recording Studios in Los Angeles thanks to our run-in with here. Although, Annabeth wasn't all too happy that I had tried to negotiate with her. I think she was just a little biased due to family history, even though it hadn't gone well, just like she had thought.
Then, I was nearly eaten by the Chimera, and if I wasn't a daughter of Poseidon, I would've died escaping from it. I'm never going on anything even remotely Ferris-wheel like again. Ever.
Then, just when we thought we had caught a break, Ares' little detour caused Annabeth to just about have a heart attack out of fear. Not to mention we almost went splat against the sidewalk after we escaped from that death trap.
The hotel we stopped at wasn't actually all that deadly, for once. Well, if you discount the fact that it ate up about five days of our quest, and now we only have a day to return the bolt before the gods go to war and the earth gets destroyed!
At the very least, I probably wouldn't live to see the second day of that war. I would never live to see the world torn apart, and I suppose that was okay, not great, certainly not ideal, but okay. If the gods went to war the world was probably over anyway. Everything would be gone or irrevocably changed and someone else would come along to takeover and pick up the pieces, just like in the myths.
But… My mother didn't deserve her home being ruined. She already had to live through Gabe's disastrous effect on his surroundings. So, I would continue trying to save the world until there was no more world left.
Speaking of my mother… Apparently, she never made it home after leaving Camp Half-Blood. Now, I'm not exactly trusting of the source of this information (it was Ares after all), but if the Lord of the Dead was so intent on getting whatever it was that was stolen from him, then I guess it only made sense that he had to take my mom as collateral (yeah right, flying pigs make more sense).
So, on top of saving the fricking world, if I didn't finish this quest I'd likely never see my mom again. So, yeah. The trip west was wonderful. Just peachy.
Los Angeles was also peachy. You couldn't tell your left from your right and we were lost. Which meant that trouble would find us before we found ourselves.
Trouble decided to come in the form of four rich boys playing at being bad boys. Bad boys who wanted to either rob us, beat us up, or both.
This led to us running down a very sketchy street, then hiding in the next store we found.
We ducked behind what looked to be a bed, and held our breaths as we herd the boys scuffling and yelling as they passed us by. We waited ten seconds after there noise stopped, just to be sure they were gone.
Annabeth peeked over the top of the mattress. "They're gone." She reported.
"Whose gone?" Said a croaky voice from behind us. The smell of old cheese and stale crackers swept over me, making me feel like throwing up even as ice crawled through my veins and my heart ran a marathon.
Very slowly, I cranked by head around and came face to face with the ugliest person I've ever laid eyes on. Well, maybe Smelly Gabe was worse, but not by much.
"Hi," Grover squeaked.
The man just grinned, revealing yellowed and chipped teeth. "Hiding from the rife-rafe I take it?" He questioned.
We nodded.
"Heh, typical, but I suppose I have to get my customers somehow." He shrugged. "well, I'm Crusty," He said.
Yes, I thought. Yes, you are.
He gestured with his flabby arms, "and this is my Water Bed Emporium. Care to take a look at my merchandise?"
Before we could decline his… most generous offer, he grabbed Grover and Annabeth's shoulders, and dragged them further inside. I had no option but to follow.
The store was filled with all sorts of water beds. Ones with lava lamp head boards, a safari themed wood carving, metal spires like you would see on really old fences… It was actually a little impressive, if a little sad. Waterbeds had gone out of style years ago, so this place was like a museum, filled with ancient relics that nobody uses.
"I make them all myself." Procrustes boasted, puffing his chest out in pride. "I have all sorts: queen size, king size, bunk-beds, even million hand massage." He gestured to the lava lamp beds beside us. "Go on, try it out. Heck, take a nap for all I care, there really isn't any business today anyway. Maybe seeing how relaxing they are will draw in some customers." He shrugged.
'Or maybe,' I thought, 'give this place a make-over and bring it out of the 1970s…' I eyed his paisley jacket and bell bottoms, 'and while you're at it, maybe give yourself an update to.'
Grover jumped onto one of the beds. "Million hand massage here I come!" He grinned.
Crusty stared at him pensively. "Hmm, almost." He muttered. "Almost."
I frowned. "Almost what?"
He turned to Annabeth. "Do me a favour and try this one honey. It should fit." He pointed to the princess themed bed, it had fancy filigree in gold and bronze, sky blue sheets, and a matching canopy over-top.
"I don't-"
He patted her reassuringly on the shoulder and led her over to the bed.
"Look mister I really don't – Hey!" She yelled as Crusty shoved her onto the bed.
"Ergo!" He said as he snapped his fingers. Ropes magically appeared from the sides of the bed and wrapped around Annabeth's wrists, armpits, and ankles. Tying her to the bed.
Grover tried to get up, but he was quickly tied up too.
"H-hey, n-not cool m-man." He protested, voice vibrating from the million-hand massage.
Annabeth and Grover struggled to get up, but that only caused more ropes to appear, flattening them to the bed. Then the ropes started pulling them in two.
"What the Hades!" Annabeth yelled.
"Don't worry sweetie," Crusty reassured her. "It's only a stretching job. You'll probably even live."
We all looked at him like he was insane. He probably was.
"Your real name isn't Crusty, is it?" I asked.
"Oh," He turned around and gave me a tartar yellow grin. "I nearly forgot you were here. Don't worry, I'll find you a bed too. I wouldn't want you to feel left out." He grabbed my shoulder.
I looked to Annabeth and Grover as they winced and struggled against the ropes pulling at them. Crusty had called it a 'stretching job.' He was stretching them alive. For some reason, this sounded familiar to me. I had heard about something like this before. But where?
"You're Procrustes, The Stretcher, aren't you?" I realized.
"Yeah," he said. "But who can pronounce Procrustes? Bad for business. Now Crusty, anyone can say that."
"That makes sense."
"You think so?"
"Yeah," I swallowed my nervousness. "and the craftsmanship on these beds is really fabulous."
"I know right? I tell that to everyone, but nobody ever seems to appreciate it! I mean, how many headboards have you seen with built-in lava lamps before?"
"Not many." I said.
"Thia, what are you doing?" Annabeth yelled.
"Never mind her," I said. "She's just a little worried about our quest."
Procrustes frowned. "Your quest?"
'Oh no. I screwed up.' I thought. A pause filled the air. 'Quick! Say something!"
I shrugged. "Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't heard." I said.
"Heard what?" He demanded.
"The gods are going to war." I replied.
"What!?" Procrustes' eyebrows rose nearly to the top of his head.
"Yeah, it's going to be really bad for business." I looked him into the eyes. "That is, unless we complete our quest and return it before the summer solstice's end."
Procrustes looked conflicted, like he was weighing his options.
"Look," I said. "If my friends and I don't return the bolt to Zeus then everything, including your business and likely yourself, is going to be destroyed. All the hard work you spent making these beds will be useless because there will be no more customers to try them out. No more customers, no more Crusty's you understand?"
Procrustes winced and snapped his fingers again. The ropes disappeared.
"Get out." He said. "Now."
We didn't need to be asked twice.
After we had made sure to put a few blocks between us and Crusty's. Annabeth turned on me and growled. "What the hell was that?"
I raised my hands up, "I knew I couldn't take him out by myself. So, I had to trick him. I was going to goad him into getting onto one of the beds, but then you interrupted me, and I had to improvise."
Annabeth frowned, but then sighed. "You could have done it faster." She remarked, rubbing her wrists.
"Sorry," I winced.
"So, where to now?" Grover asked.
"DOA recording studios." I replied.
"Yeah," Annabeth said. "Except, we don't exactly know where that is. Now do we?" She glared.
Someone didn't get up on the right side of the bed.
Too soon?
Maybe just a bit.
I still couldn't help grinning. Neither Annabeth nor Grover looked amused at my amusement, however.
I pointed behind Annabeth and Grover. "Yes, we do."
Right behind them was DOA recording studios. Luckily, we had managed to run right towards it.
"Wait a minute. Why do we need to go to the Underworld anyway? Didn't we clear up the whole reason why Hades' minions were after you at the bus?" Grover asked.
"That feels like such a long time ago, but we did." I said.
"Then why are we going to the underworld?" Annabeth asked.
I raised a finger. "One, apparently my mom got kidnapped. Two," I raised a second finger, "if she didn't get kidnapped, then we know who stole the bolt and the helm. Even if Mom was kidnapped, we still have a suspect. Unfortunately, said suspect happens to be out of our weight class. So, a little back up from an invested party would be a good idea."
Annabeth's eyes lit up in realization, but Grover still looked confused.
"Wait, who is our suspect?" He asked.
Annabeth rolled her eyes. "I was so preoccupied on the Hades thing I never really thought to think about it. Grover, what god have we met on our quest so far?"
Grover gasped, "you think it was…?"
Annabeth and I nodded. "He would've had to have someone else steal the bolt, but he's probably involved." Annabeth explained. "After all, he did try to interrupt this quest by side-tracking us. He has a good motive for wanting a war, it's his domain." She said conspiratorially.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense." Grover replied. He wasn't too keen on going to the Underworld. Especially if we didn't absolutely have to in order to find the bolt.
We then headed inside the Recording studio. From the outside, it looked like any ordinary building: bland, grey and beige. Inside wasn't much better, save for the peculiar addition of a crap tonne of ghosts!
"Hello there, how may I help you?" The man behind the front desk asked. He was wearing a fancy suit and a name tag. As I approached, I could almost make it out, but just as I saw the first letter, a 'C', the room flickered. The room changed from a lobby into an ancient cavernous lake; the ghosts floating in its waters. The doorman now wore old, tattered roman robes. His skin had turned almost translucent, so that the bones underneath were visible. A scraggly greying beard stretched down to his chest.
I blinked, and the room returned to how it was when we first entered. The man, whose name tag I could now read as 'Charon,' raised an eyebrow.
"Well, that doesn't happen everyday." He stated.
Annabeth and Grover looked confused by what he said.
Charon analyzed them for a few moments before seeming to realize what had happened. "Oh! You two didn't see." He pointed a long, crooked finger at me. "But you did." He looked at me like a scientist who had just re-discovered a species previously thought extinct. "How rare."
All I could do was stand there as he seemed to look into my very soul.
"now then, what did you come here for? You surely don't expect me to believe that you are dead after that little show, do you? Ha! Just the thought brings a tickle to my throat." He laughed.
Grover leaned over to whisper in my ear. "I don't think he's using that saying right."
I winced. This guy clearly didn't get out a lot.
"We need to talk to Lord Hades, about the stolen artifact. We think we know who took it." I said.
"Hmph, that's a new one. Never thought I'd come across a hero who actually cared about what happened down under, but I can't just let you go down there. In case you didn't see the sign, 'No Living.'" He pointed behind us where, sure enough, there was a sign reading: 'No Soliciting, No Loitering, No Living.'
"We can pay you." I offered, bringing out the bag of drachmas we had swiped from Medusa.
Charon still looked unimpressed.
"Actual drachmas, and from what I can tell," I plopped the bag onto the counter-top with a load clang. "There's more than double the fair for three."
He snorted, "what would you know about drachmas?" He swept the bag into his hand anyway. He weighed it, then took a peek inside and counted some. "It'll have to do," he sighed, closing the draw pouch.
He looked at us. "You're lucky, I was just about to head out anyway. I have just enough room for three more." He waved us behind the counter towards the elevator door.
Just before it opened he stopped and gave me a look. "Please try not to stand too close to me. I shave for a reason."
Annabeth and Grover shared another confused look with me, but I didn't say anything. What Charon had just said… Had I been the cause of the change earlier?
As the elevator went further and further down, it began to sway back and forth like a boat. I looked down and saw that it actually had become a boat. One of those old river barges, like you see in pictures of Venice. I looked back to Charon and he had turned into the old man from earlier. Except not. He was missing the beard, his robes seemed of a different style, his eyes became black holes, like those of a skull.
He saw me looking and asked, "Well?"
I said nothing.
The boat continued to sway.
"I think I'm getting seasick." Grover whimpered. I patted him on the back reassuringly. He just turned greener.
"the River Styx," Annabeth mumbled, staring at the black, oily water around us. It was cluttered with bones, dead fish, plastic dolls, old university diplomas, and more. "It's so…"
"Polluted?" Charon suggested. "For thousands of years, you humans have been discarding all of your hopes, dreams, and wishes that never came true. Irresponsible, if you ask me." He said with disdain.
Anxiety washed over me. Why had I thought it was a good idea to come here again?
Oh yeah, because if we confronted Ares alone then we'd all be coming down here the painful way.
I wasn't too sure anymore if this was any better.
The shore of the Underworld soon came into view. It was craggy, a beach made out of what looked like obsidian. It looked to stretch out left and right to forever. A tall stone wall laid inland about ninety metres. A loud noise echoed from behind it – the howl of a large animal.
"Sounds like Cerberus hasn't had supper yet." Charon said. Grinning a wicked smile. "Bad luck for you three."
The bottom of the boat ground on the black sand. The dead around us disembarked. A mother and her little girl. An elderly couple. A young boy, maybe around my age… They all shuffled silently towards whatever laid behind the wall.
Charon said, "well, off you go. I can't just wait around here forever you know. The dead back at the waiting room might change the radio station on me."
He grabbed his pole and started back across the river. Warbling something that might have been a Barry Manilow song.
We followed the spirits up a well-worn path.
The Gates to the Underworld definitely weren't as I had expected them to look. I had expected Lemony Snicket's 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'-esque. Instead, I got border patrol meets airport security.
There were three lanes under one big black arch that said, 'You Are Now Entering Erebus.' Two of them were marked 'Attendant on Duty' and one, marked 'EZ DEATH.' The "EX DEATH' line was moving along the fastest, the other two were going at turtle power. In other words, not very fast at all. Each had what appeared to be a pass-through metal detector and security cameras mounted on top. Behind that were toll-booths manned by black-robed ghouls.
Cerberus' howling was even louder now, but I still couldn't see him. Wasn't he supposed to guard the Underworld's entrance?
"What do you figure?" I asked Annabeth.
"The fast lane must be a direct passage to the Fields of Asphodel," she replied. "No judgement. They either think judgement will go against them, or they think that's where they'll end up anyways."
We moved closer to the gates. The howling became so loud that the very ground was shaking, but I still couldn't find where the sound was coming from.
Then, about fifteen metres in front of us, something moved. I hadn't seen it before because it was mostly transparent, and the green mist was partially blocking my view. It was a massive Rottweiler, the size of a T. Rex, with three heads… And it was staring straight at me, all three of them.
My jaw hung open. I couldn't think of anything except for the fact that another minute or two and I would have walked right into it's mouth. Well, one of them, anyway.
The dog's middle head came closer to us. It sniffed the air then growled.
"It can smell the living," I almost whimpered.
"But that's okay," Grover said, trembling next to me. "Because we have a plan."
"I don't think he's as open to negotiation Grover." Annabeth said, causing Grover to tremble even more. "But I'll think of something." She added hastily.
We moved towards him.
The middle head sniffed again, then barked loud enough o cause my ears to ring.
"Can you understand it?" I asked Grover.
"Oh yeah," Grover trembled. "I can understand it alright."
"What's he saying?"
"Umm, there isn't an exact translation. Imagine if 'food' was a curse word and you'd get about half-way there though."
I realized just then that I was probably a bad influence. Grover wasn't nearly as sarcastic when I first met him.
"Does anybody have a stick?" I asked. Dogs like sticks, right?
"Nope." Grover said.
"No," Annabeth replied. Then she paused. "Actually…" She ruffled through her bag, the revealed a red ball about the size of a grapefruit. It was labeled 'WATERLAND, DENVER, CO.'
Ares' little side-tracking was good for something after all. Who'd have thought?
Annabeth raised the ball and marched straight up to Cerberus.
She shouted, "See the ball? You want the ball, Cerberus? Sit!"
Cerberus looked as stunned as we were.
"Sit!" Annabeth demanded again.
I was pretty sure that we'd become dog chow any minute now. Instead, Cerberus licked all three of his lips, shifted on his haunches, and sat, crushing about a dozen ghosts that had been in the 'EZ DEATH' line underneath him. The spirits dissipated, vanishing into the air with a noise not unlike that of a tire deflating.
"Good boy!" Annabeth said.
She threw Cerberus the ball.
He caught it with his middle mouth. It was barely bog enough for him to chew, and the other heads snapped, trying to get their turn.
"Drop it." Annabeth commanded.
Cerberus' heads paused and turned to look at her. He made a loud, scared whimper, then dropped the ball. Now slimy and nearly chewed in half.
Annabeth picked it up without hesitating. "good boy."
She turned to us. "Go now. EZ DEATH line, it's the fastest."
We hesitated.
"Now." She ordered us in the same tone she spoke to Cerberus with.
Grover and I cautiously crept forward.
Cerberus started to growl.
"Stay!" Annabeth commanded. "If you want the ball, stay!"
Cerberus whimpered, but did as she said.
"What about you?" I asked.
"I know what I'm doing." Annabeth replied. "At least, I'm pretty sure…"
Grover and I followed the EZ DEATH line.
Please Annabeth, I prayed. Don't tell him to sit again.
Fortunately, Grover and I made it out from under Cerberus alive. Unfortunately, he was just as scary from the behind as the front.
"Good dog!" Annabeth encouraged. She held up the beaten ball, and probably realized the same thing I did. If she rewarded Cerberus, there'd be nothing left for another trick.
She threw the ball anyway. The left head grabbed it immediately, only to be attacked for it by the middle one. The right head moaned pitifully.
While he was distracted, Annabeth quickly caught up to us at the metal detector.
"How did you do that?" I asked.
"Obedience school," she said breathlessly. "When I was little…"
"We don't have time!" Grover interrupted, tugging at our arms. "We need to get a move on!"
Just as we were about to cross through the EZ DEATH line, Cerberus moaned pitifully from all three heads. Annabeth froze.
She looked backwards towards the dog, which had turned around to face us.
Cerberus panted expectantly, the tiny red ball laid punctured and slobbery at its feet.
"Good boy," Annabeth said, but her voice wavered with melancholy and uncertainty.
Cerberus' head tilted, like it was worried about her.
"I'll bring you another ball," Annabeth assured. "Would you like that?"
Cerberus whimpered and lowered its heads, waiting for the ball.
"Good dog. I'll visit you, someday. I-I promise." Annabeth turned back to face us. "Let's go."
The three of us marched on through the metal detector, immediately setting it off. It screamed and set off flashing red lights. "Unauthorized possessions! Magic detected!"
Cerberus started barking.
Needless to say, we got the hell out of there.
A few minutes later, we were hiding, out of breath, in the rotten trunk of an immense black tree as security ghouls scuttled past, yelling for backup from the Furies.
Grover mumbled, "Pythia, why do your plans always have to bite?"
I honestly wasn't too sure.
"Come on," Annabeth whispered once they had left. She wiped a tear that had escaped from her eye, she was clearly upset over leaving Cerberus, and his distant mourning wasn't helping, but Annabeth was strong, and she carried on. "We need to get going. Before they come back."
We quickly, while still trying to be quiet, scrambled towards Hades' palace. Which led us straight through the Fields of Asphodel.
It was… immense isn't a good enough word to describe it. Just thinking about how big it was made my head hurt. It was packed with souls like grains of sand, so close together that from a distance they looked like one mass. The field seemed to stretch on to forever, and I couldn't find a reason to contradict that. It was a like a beach made of people on a moonless night, the bereft whispering replacing the waves.
It wasn't completely like a beach though, only the souls made it that way. In every other way it was a field, or maybe a swamp, but a look up towards the cavern ceiling reminded you that it was definitely underground. It wasn't the ceiling itself that reminded you. No, that could be mistaken as dark storm clouds quite easily, but the sharp, almost glowing stalactites did the trick. They looked massive from where we were standing, and that was maybe several hundred feet below them. If one of them decided to crack off and fall down… Well, if the sharp edges didn't kill you then the weight certainly would.
I tried very hard not to think about that.
I tried very hard to forget that I had ever thought about that.
I'm still trying.
Thankfully, they looked fairly secured to the ceiling and not likely to fall off.
Oh gods, I'm still thinking about it.
"Pythia, snap out of it." Annabeth hissed quietly at me. Then led me passed a tent where one line entered, and two lines exited to two very different places: eternal torment and Elysium. It was the tent of Judgement.
I felt a little let down. I always imagined it in my head as more of a court room of Judgement, maybe a principal's office. The tent was just so… mediocre. Maybe the normal place was undergoing renovations and the tent was just temporary?
After a few miles of walking, we began to hear a familiar screech in the distance. Far in front of us a glittering black obsidian palace was visible on the horizon. Above the parapets three shadowy, bat like creatures patrolled: the furies. They were waiting for us.
"I suppose it's too late to turn back." Grover said wistfully.
"Everything will turn out okay. We'll make it out of here alive." I didn't know where I found the confidence to make that statement, but I did and somehow, I found myself believing in it too.
Grover and Annabeth weren't so convinced.
Annabeth grabbed his arm. "Come on, goat boy." She said, sounding like she just wanted to rip the bandage off. I couldn't blame her.
Grover yelped. His sneakers sprouted wings and his legs bucked forward, pulling him away from us. He landed flat on his back in the grass.
"Grover," Annabeth almost hissed. "Stop messing around."
"But-"
Grover was cut off by his shoes making another leap forward. This time he completely lost his balance and Annabeth and I watched gobsmacked as the carried him across the field towards a rocky outcrop.
"Guys! Help!" He yelled, snapping us out of our stupor. We raced after him.
The shoes dragged Grover into a cave. Sharp, jagged gravel littered the floor. Grover was slicing up his hands trying to gain purchase. Annabeth dashed forward to grab his hand. The shoes sped up in retaliation and she barely managed to grab it. The force of the shoes was too great though and she started to slide forward too.
I grabbed onto her and started walking backwards. There was a strong force against me though, like I was trying to walk against a current.
With a loud pop! Grover's shoes came flew off his feet and into the endless abyss that seemed o lie at the end of the cave. We all fell over due to the sudden lack of resistance. Grover's hooves had saved him.
We scrambled back up and made to leave the cave. As we climbed out, a deep, echoey laughter filled the air. It was strange, because it seemed to come from the cave walls around us. It was followed by the gasping whistle, and it was like there was a force that was trying to pull us in again.
We pushed against it, before finally popping out of the cave and rolling to the side, out of the way of the entrance. It was just in time too, because a huge gust of wind entered into the cave. Almost like the cave managed to take a deep breath.
I could've sworn I heard a moan of disappointment come from someone, or rather something.
We dusted ourselves off. "Is everyone alright?" I asked.
Annabeth nodded, too shaken to speak properly.
"I think so." Grover said. He held up his hands. They were scrapped and bleeding a little, and his finger nails had definitely seen better days. "You guys wouldn't happen to have any ozonol would you? Polysporin?"
"Nope." Annabeth and I rolled our eyes. If Grover was feeling up to making jokes, then he'd be fine.
Grover chuckled a little, then wiped his hands against his pants. Wincing a little as he did so. "What was up with these shoes? It was like they had a mind of their own?" Grover asked
Annabeth paled. "Luke set us up." She realized. "But why?" She asked, not really to us, but more to the world. Or maybe the Fates.
I shook my head. I don't know. Maybe he didn't realize they were cursed. He did say he stole them after all."
"Maybe…" Annabeth mumbled, but she didn't seem all that convinced. Grover patted her on the shoulder.
"It could be worse," he said. "If I wasn't a satyr then the shoes wouldn't have popped off and then we'd have all been sucked down into wherever that was."
Annabeth looked about ready to throw up.
Grover panicked. "Erm, I mean-"
"Grover," I put my hand on his shoulder. "Now's really not the time."
I turned back to Annabeth. "It'll be alright. We'll find out what really happened, okay? For now, we still have a quest to think about. We'll deal with Luke when we get back to Camp."
Annabeth's grey eyes, cloudy and trying to fight back tears, was the last thing I saw before my world went black.