NOTE - PLEASE READ: If dental work makes you squick, this chapter is potentially unsettling. Don't say you weren't warned, eh?
I was sad to see Isabella refasten her bra, hiding her glorious titties. Granted, the sharp pain in my mouth that was also shooting up my nose certainly distracted me from the disappointment as well as the chafing of my Albert against the inside of my pants. Just as she slid her shirt over her head, my doorbell rang, and I cradled my face in my hand.
"Stay there," Isabella ordered, moving to my door. I rather liked her bossing me around; maybe she could try being the dominant one next time... if there was a next time. I was starting to feel as though we were doomed lovers and not even my lemon buttercream and candy cocks could save the day. If the throbbing in my face was any indication, I was likely going to die any second anyway, so it wouldn't matter.
She flung open the door to greet a short man in a white lab coat. "Oh, Dr. Newton! Thank god you're here!" She turned toward me, guiding him into my apartment. Her eyebrow was twitching again, and I narrowed my eyes at the tiny doctor before wincing from the excruciatingly painful nerves irritating every fucking nerve ending in my face.
Two seconds later someone else moved through the door, scurrying into my living room rapidly while juggling armfuls of stuff. All I could see was a shock of curly blonde hair and an ugly green sweater. Did the dentist bring his assistant? Maybe it was his girlfriend.
"Hey, Jasper," Isabella murmured.
What kind sick freak parents named their daughter Jasper? More to the point, why was Isabella's eyebrow dancing hypnotically every time she looked at the dentist. Through the haze of my torturous jaw pain, I studied him. He couldn't be any taller than four foot ten, and his gut hung over his belt under his white coat. The pock marks on his face cast weird shadows over his cheeks and chin, his eyes bulging out almost comically. I wanted to laugh, except even my lips twitching made my entire head feel as though someone was stabbing it with fiery pokers. He pulled at his spiky blond hair as Isabella spoke quietly to him, her hands fluttering spastically along with her brows.
Jasper spun on her heel, nearly smacking me in the forehead with a giant bag. That's when I realized Jasper was a man - a tall, nearly emaciated man with freakishly large feet. Didn't Isabella know any normal people?
He smirked at me. "You must be Edward. Isabella has told us all about you." He wheeled around again and began unfolding a complicated-looking reclining chair and setting up a spotlight. When he plugged it in and turned it on, I seriously started worrying these guys were going to tie me to the chair and interrogate me instead of poke around in my mouth with sharp objects.
Maybe they'd go easy on me if I offered them a plate of Testicular Turnovers, although I couldn't bear to move - every time I did, the pain was so shocking I nearly vomited.
"Alright, Edward," Dr. Newton whined, "let's get you into the chair."
"He makes house calls," Isabella chimed in, a dreamy look on her face that made me nervous.
"Only for my best customers." Dr. Newton beamed up at Isabella, his nose just about eye level with Isabella's bountiful boobs.
"I'm pretty sure I paid for the bidet and rain room in their house," Isabella whispered to me, petting my hair as she helped me into the rickety folding chair. Their house? Were they together, or was it some bizarre living arrangement?
"Um..." I grasped her hand in mine and swallowed thickly, feeling myself grow dizzy with fear. "I've never even had a cavity before, let alone serious dental work."
"Oh! Isabella, you brought us a virgin," the freak called Jasper trilled. "How delightful!" He clasped his hands together and nearly bounced.
"I take it he'd like the Novocaine, then?" Dr. Newton smirked. "Frankly, Isabella, you're lucky I brought it all all. Being a friend of yours, I wasn't sure if he was another groupie."
Groupie? I was about to ask what he meant, when Jasper pumped a pedal on the chair, and my head was thrown back roughly. "Open up for Mr. Thirsty," he giggled and jammed a tube under my tongue that felt like it was trying to suck my tonsils out of my throat. The taste and texture of the plastic tube made my stomach churn.
"Wha moo meam my groufee?" I tried to ask. What kind of weirdness did Dr. Newton perform on my Isabella that would warrant the title of groupie?
"Oh my god!" Isabella suddenly screamed. "Is that a Vacuum-max 3300?"
"You know it," Dr. Newton confirmed. "It finally arrived yesterday. I had to have it shipped over from the UK, you know. I'm not even sure it's legal. The rate of suction is unheard of in North America. "
I could attest to that. I was pretty sure Jasper had sucked all the moisture from my body in the last twenty seconds.
"Oh, Dr. Newton... you don't think that maybe I could..."
"Take this puppy for a spin?" Dr. Newton asked lasciviously while my girl nodded emphatically at the proposition. "Of course, Isabella. Jasper can help me prepare the bonding cement while you concentrate on administering the suction. You do still like to do suction, correct?"
"Oh, of course! You know it's my favorite part."
"She's very good at it," Jasper agreed. "Remember that time when she suctioned me-"
"Stop it!" I screamed, pulling the suction tube out of my mouth. "She's my girlfriend, not a common... suction groupie."
Isabella's eyes grew wide, and her face flushed. "What did you call me?" She dropped the chair back until I was lying parallel to the floor and placed a black rubber oxygen mask over my nose.
"Whatever you did before we were together... well, we can work through it." Even if it involved suctioning off these freaks and partaking in dental orgy cult activities.
"Edward... what do you think I do with Dr. Newton exactly?" Her nostrils flared, but her eyebrows remained eerily motionless. My tongue caught in my mouth, and I found myself unable to speak, horrified by what I'd just implied and nearly psychotic from pain.
"I know about your... thing," was all I could manage to say.
"What thing?" Isabella's expression was dark, her eyes angry, but also sad somehow.
"Your, um, dental fetish..."
"How?" she asked, turning away from me. "Dr. Newton, I believe Edward will need the gas for this."
"Well... I sort of followed you the other day and listened you tell that man called Alice about how you like being drilled-"
"You were spying on me?" she screamed.
"No, my candied kumquat... I was just information-gathering for our date. I only wanted to please you, I swear."
Fat tears zig-zagged down my angel's cheek, and there was nothing I wanted more than to pull her into my arms, but I found my wrists suddenly bound to the chair by leather straps.
"It's so you don't fall out," Jasper explained, nearly tripping over his own gigantic feet as he walked around me to tighten the bindings on my hands again. "We're flushing your system with oxygen at the moment. Soon we'll start the flow of nitrous, and you'll start to feel a little light-headed."
"Suction, Isabella?" Dr. Newton asked Isabella, offering her the tube again.
"I'm sorry, Dr. Newton... I'm no longer in the mood to suction Edward."
My eyes widened in panic as Isabella glared at me and abruptly stepped back out of my sight. I struggled against the leather straps, more than a little worried about what might happen and fighting not to pass out from the blinding pain radiating from both my mouth and my Albert - I must have hit my dick at some point because it felt as though something sharp was trying to claw its way out of the head of my cock.
Jasper brandished a giant fucking needle and smiled at me, his teeth almost seeming to sparkle in the insanely bright spot light. He twisted the lamp around and shined it directly into my eyes, making me shrink back instinctively.
"Now, open up. This won't hurt a bit." In my head I heard him cackle maniacally, but it may have been the sound of the needle penetrating my gum. I tried to shout, but it came out a wet, strangled shriek that sounded more like a little girl drowning in snot.
My tongue felt oversized and fuzzy a few moments later, a distinct medicinal taste swirling in my mouth. It was a far cry from the flavor of Isabella's sweet pussy, the last vestiges of which were now dying on my tongue, much to my dismay. I heard Bella's voice arguing with Dr. Newton as Jasper covered my face with a large, black rubber mask, smiling maliciously down at me.
"Make it... hurt," Isabella demanded.
"But you said he's not one of your usuals!"
"He's not. I'm so mad at him!"
"I can't tell - hey, your eyebrow stopped. Isabella, is this not tripping your trigger anymore?" Dr. Newton asked incredulously. I was starting to feel a little dizzy, and the edge of the spotlight began to waver.
"Holy shit," Isabella gasped through the fog descending over my head. "I can't believe it - I'm not..."
Jasper removed the mask and pressed it to his own face, inhaling deeply with his eyes tightly shut. I couldn't see what he was doing after he set the mask down, but he turned back to me and winked, the action making him look like a deranged clown.
"A little bit for you, a little bit for me."
With that, he picked up a sharp-looking instrument, its shiny silver surface glinting malevolently. He seemed to creep slowly toward me, and I wriggled again, ineffectively trying to get away from the needle-like pointy thing.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelph," I muttered, fluttering my fingers against the arms of the chair and pressing my back against the seat. I couldn't hear Isabella, but my face didn't hurt anymore.
The scraping of the tool against my teeth sounded so loud I was sure my next door neighbor would hear it. Maybe he'd burst in and save me - after all, I had dropped off a plate of Trouser Snake Snickerdoodles the other day. Not that I expected payment for the goodies, but now would be an excellent time to start the tradition.
"Oh, someone's been a bad boy!" Jasper crooned at me. "You haven't had a dental cleaning in a while."
Dr. Newton leaned over me, his head so close to my face I could smell the garlic he'd had for dinner. I thought for a panicked second he was going to kiss me. Fairy Butch flew behind Jasper's head, wiggling his ass suggestively.
"I knew you had it in you, Edward! Just keep that willy wrapped, dough boy!"
"Shuuutp uuup, Booootch," I slurred. "I owwwwnleeeee wuuuuuuuuuubv Isssssssssaweellllllla."
"You don't love me!" Isabella whined. "You followed me and think I'm a whore!"
I scrabbled at the arms of the chair again, trying to keep my head away from Dr. Newton's wet mouth, which was hovering close to me, gazing into my gaping maw.
"Issssaweeeeeeelllllllaaaaa!" I called around the dentist's fat fingers, now poking around my gums. "Myyyyyy swwwwuuugerrrrr duwwwwmblllllllin'. Dowwwn't weaaaaaave meeeeeee."
"Buck-up, bronco," Dr. Newton said cheerfully. "I'll have this bicuspid fixed in a jiffy - that is, if my assistant would stop huffing the happy air." He reached up and barely had the height to slap Jasper on the back of his head. Jasper smirked and giggled while Dr. Newton secured the mask back onto my nose. "A little professional decorum, please."
Everything was growing fuzzy around the edges. What the fuck was in the happy air?
"Excavator," I heard Dr. Newton say, his voice barely audible through the fog in my brain. I couldn't see him anymore, but I could imagine him, all short and blond. There wasn't any of the pain Isabella demanded, just an annoying vibration deep in my jaw.
"Don't cry, Belly-button." Jasper's voice hummed like the low buzzing of bees. Oh, bees... I should make bee testicle cookies, I thought to myself. Did bees have testicles?
"But Jasper," she sobbed, "my boyfriend thinks I'm a whore. You heard him!"
I tried to open my mouth to speak, but nothing was happening. It took me a second to realize my mouth was already open. I drew metallic air through my nose, immediately sinking more heavily into a dizzy fugue state from the cocktail coursing through the mask.
"There's a block holding your mouth open. Don't try to speak."
No way! I told the crazy fuck of a dentist that I'd go blind from the gas... didn't I? Why could I not see anything? Why did I not know about this block? Did blocks have testicles? "Ahhhh caaaaah keeeeeee."
"Of course you can't see. Your eyes are closed," the hobbit-dentist of New York City explained matter-of-factly. I idly wondered how he could see into my mouth - his voice sounded like it was coming from under the folding chair on which I was sprawled.
"Don't hurt him too much, Doctor. I've changed my mind... just a little, okay?" Isabella's voice was too far away. Was she leaving? Oh, god! What if she never came back? What if I never got the opportunity to tell her how sorry I was for invading her privacy? What if I never got to lick buttercream off her perfect titties? Did Isabella have testicles?
What if I never got to taste her again?
"I'm not going to hurt your boyfriend, Isabella." Well, that was a relief. "You know I save all of the pain for you."
I'd kill him! I'd stab him in his little person testicles! Or I'd make Dr. Newton testicle cookies and pulverize them!
"I keeh yoooo."
Dr. Newton let out a boisterous guffaw. "Not a smart thing to say to a man with a drill."
"What did he say?" Isabella demanded.
"He wants to kill me. I guess he doesn't like the idea of any man hurting you but him." Dr. Newton was now using an impossibly duller file, throwing a shockwave of vibrations throughout my entire body. My limbs stiffened, and I shrank back against the folding chair, my Albert scraping against the inside of my pants. I was desperate for a shot of Novocaine in the head of my dick.
"Edward doesn't hurt me," she said bitterly.
"Oh, big mistake, buddy," Jasper intoned from above me. "Our girl likes a little dental pain. If you're not man enough, she'll have to continue to seek out the help of professionals like us. I suggest you nut up and give our Belly what she wants."
"Shut up, Jasper." Isabella sounded so sad. "Edward's not like that. Actually... Edward's not who I thought he was at all."
My chest felt heavy in a way I'd never experienced before. It was heartache. I was almost certain I'd never get the chance to properly make love to my sweet angel. There was so much I wanted to do with her... but now she wouldn't want anything to do with me.
I felt positively ripped apart, like I had lost an appendage. She had stolen my cock. She could keep it. It was hers. I never wanted to fuck another girl anyway. My cock would always belong to Isabella Swan. I would engrave her name on the ring of my Albert in tribute to the only girl I'd ever love.
I'd only known her for a few days, but she had left an indelible mark on me with her pink bowling ball and twitchy brows and vagazzled pussy.
I love you, I tried to tell her. I willed my hands to move, and I could feel them fluttering weakly under the restraints. My head felt funny... well, funnier. Just as I was sure the word would burst forth from my mouth and around the block, everything went black.
-({})-
Air Supply lyrics floated softly through my head as I groaned, feeling something soft and lumpy under my back. It felt as though my face was swollen, and my whole body felt... for lack of a better term... fuzzy. I felt heavy and light-headed at the same time.
What the fuck had happened? I peeked one eye open, the soft light of morning filtering through my living room.
I'm all out of love... what am I without you? I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong...
My eyes squeezed shut, making my forehead feel as though my skin might split apart. I hated Air Supply. I looked around cautiously, fully expecting to see Fairy Butch flitting around.
Oh my fucking god. Isabella! Last night's fuckery came flooding back to me, and I sat up with a start, holding my head and moaning. My jaw felt... well, it felt horribly bad, but my heart ached worse.
My apartment was empty, no trace of what had transpired the night before left anywhere I could notice. No folding chair or spotlight. No container of buttercream. Not even a piece of bloody gauze. Just that song, playing over and over again.
I realized after a few moments the song wasn't something I was imagining. I stood shakily and followed the music to its source - a small tape recorder on my kitchen counter. It was next to my
model cock cake that had been in my refrigerator. It was one I'd used to perfect the design for Bella's cake for her friend's party.
My eyes widened in shock. The dick was broken off at the base, the broken appendage tossed into the bottom of my sink.
I snapped the 'stop' button down on the recorder, plunging the kitchen into silence, and tore at the roots of my hair.
"!" I half shouted, half whimpered.
My beloved cream puff had broken my heart and my cock.
A/N: So... we're heading into the home stretch on this ridiculousness! Thanks for reading and having fun with us - we very much appreciate it.
One of Mac's stabby crayons and one of Flan's giant bras to each of you who read and review! We'll throw in a Trouser Snake Snickerdoodle too... you know, for the hell of it.
We'd also like to thank our beta editors, Jkane180 and Askthemagic8ball, and Jules, our fantastic prereader.