Valon had called the same night we kissed. I have a date with him on Wednesday - which is now today.
My life is running faster than I can catch up, so, therefore, the obvious answer was for me to wander around the mall to prepare myself. I buy a silk scarf, a mint green coffee mug, some botanical body lotion that somehow smells like seawater and sandalwood, a vibrating neck massager, a glass paperweight with a blue glow-in-the-dark jellyfish design in it, dark blue jeggings - with actual pockets! - and, finally, because my arms were getting loaded with different store bags, I got a new tote bag to carry it all in. I think I must have spent at least two hundred dollars, and I make a mental note to scold myself for it later. But, for now, I was in the middle of my zen session. I had two hours before my date with Valon, and, even after the shopping, I still feel like a bundle of nerves. And I don't know if they are good or bad ones.
The mall is crowded with young preteens. Mostly boys. Their thoughts swarm at me like bees: Look at that girl's chest! Crap, my pants are tight. It's always getting big like that - is it normal? Jason said his made something last night... mine hasn't made anything. Am I sick? I wish I could pick this booger out of my nose, but that older girl is looking at me, and I don't want to look like an idiot...
All in all, the inner life of a prepubescent boy is absolutely pathetic.
I'm sitting in one of the benches lining the middle of the walkway, flicking through my phone and keeping an eye on the shapes passing by me. Legs covered in denim, short shorts, tights. Feet covered in sandals and converse - even heels. Suddenly, I see a familiar set of legs weaving through the crowd, semi-obscured by a skateboard being carried at waist level.
Of course he's here. Right when I'm trying to sail through a low point in my life and relax, Jou is wandering through the mall. I feel too confused to move. Why - and how - does he keep finding me? Why does he keep trying to patch up our relationship? Maybe he just wants to finish the character assignment, but it would be ridiculous to try so hard for that. Everyone knows you can just make up some random bullshit, and get full marks. Yet here he is, barging into my life like a bully. And I can't decide if I want to gather my things and leave before he spots me, or if I want to run over to meet him halfway.
I like the way he's holding his skateboard. It makes the fine muscles in his arm strain against one another. I'm too busy admiring his physique to run away. When his eyes finally fall over to my direction and he spots me, his lips part in a wide smile. He is so effortlessly happy and cute that I feel my chest constrict. And it's so bright, I smile back. I don't even think about it; I had never planned to smile at him - but I do. He immediately beelines toward me, and I wait for him, leg jittering up and down nervously, giving me a distraction.
"You look different." Is the first thing he says. I feel my face heat up just a bit; I had forgotten that I'd only done the bare minimum with my make-up today (only some concealer and eyeliner.)
"Well, I-"
"You look good." He assures, and his eyes get tangled up in my hair, which was cascading over my shoulders, a bit frizzy from the humidity. "Naturalness looks good on you."
I almost snort at that. "Um, thanks." I'm grateful that I was, at least, wearing my normal attire - instead of the old sweatpants and hoodie I had previously wanted to wear. Although...if I had worn that, I could've blended in with the crowd easier and gotten away. The only thought I sense is a wordless, glowing kind of feeling, but I didn't know which one of us it is coming from. Somehow with Jou, I'm not sure what thoughts are mine and which are his. And as much as he doesn't make sense to me, I understood less about myself. I am happy that he's here in the mall, that he saw me. I should be more careful, but I don't want to be careful. Even if it means I'm fooling myself, I want to pretend that his actions mean something special.
"Actually, it's really neat that I found you here." Jou starts conversationally. "Maybe we could finish our assignment now." I inwardly flinch. Of course he wants to finish it as soon as possible. With a sigh, I gather my things and stand up. "What do you think?"
"Alright." I agree.
He shifts his weight onto one leg.
"Where do you want to go?"
There's a very simple answer to the question of where we could go. After all, this mall was close to my apartment. I tested the words in my mouth first, letting them roll around like wine. Then, out loud, "Let's go to my place." Before I can regret it or back out, I'm walking away. He falls into step with me easily.
"Wow, really?" He looks stunned. "I never thought I'd get an invitation for that."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just that you're usually a private person." He shrugs. "I always assumed that you just liked your own space and didn't like people intruding."
"Well..." I contemplate it. "It's not really intruding when I've offered, right?"
He stares at me, some unknown emotion playing across his face.
"Yeah. I suppose you're right."
When I step inside my apartment, Harpy is already winding between my legs, looking up at me with adoration. I set my new tote, full to the brim of my other new items, down by the door. Welcome home, welcome home! Harpy purrs, and I sweep her up into my arms before looking at Jou.
"Go ahead and just find a seat." I tell him, scratching at Harpy's chin. "I'll bring you some iced tea."
"Cool," he replies, dropping his board and bag next to my stuff. "Can I...can I pet him?" His fingers twitch in Harpy's direction.
"I don't mind." I say, setting Harpy back on the floor. Jou carefully reaches toward her, and she turns her head to the side. Hah, rejection. Jou thinks, but he sounds amused rather than hurt. I'm stride to the kitchen. "You have to get her permission first, though." I add.
"No problem," he assures, and I pour tea as he gets down on all fours to be up close and personal with my cat. "The chicks dig me." This time, I really do snort. But his ploy works; Harpy takes a small sniff at his fingers, deciding carefully, before butting her head against his palm. Hello, she thinks. New friend! I feel a bit jealous, so I give a low whistle. She abandons Jou and is soon rubbing against my legs, confirming her love for me all over.
"What's this?" Jou wonders, lightly touching a box sitting on the counter.
"A jewelry box." I say, paying too much attention to the tea now.
His fingers gently travel over the engraved surface.
"It's nice. Birthday present?"
I carry the two glasses of tea to the table.
"My dad made it. It doesn't close right."
Jou tapped the warped lid.
"That's easy enough to fix."
"Yeah, that's what he said about sixteen years ago - before he left and died." I can't help the bitter tone in my voice. Jou looks at me. There's so much sympathy in his eyes that I have to look away. He notices too much; It makes me nervous.
"You have a very nice home." He says, settling into a chair.
"It keeps the rain off my head." I say. I really don't want to make chit-chat and Jou must understand, because he pulls out a piece of folded paper from his pocket.
"Ready to get down to it, Kujaku?"
"Oh, I was born ready."
He hands me the paper, and I read the next part of our assignment: Choose on of the negative traits you listed and talk with your partner about it's impact on your life. Then, write a plan on how you can improve this aspect of your character.
I eye him over the paper, jaw hanging.
"Are they fucking serious?" I manage.
"Worse than you thought?"
"It's not any of their business what my problems are." I am nearly exploding. "Like, what are they trying to do? Try to get us to believe they actually care about our well-being? Everyone knows a college only wants your money."
"Well, you don't have to tell the faculty about your problems. That's what I'm for." He takes the paper from me as Harpy leaps into my lap, sensing my aggravation. "I'll go first, because I know exactly which trait I want to work on."
"Which is that?"
"The worst one. The one that ruined a good part of my life." He hesitates, then says heavily, with great seriousness, "I'm a coward."
"No, you're not. And I thought we agreed not to write that down?"
"I listed it anyway."
"I fail to see how you are a coward."
He blinks up at me.
"You don't?"
"No."
"Mai, you-" he starts, but he seems incapable of making his voice work. After a deep breath, he forces out the words: "You, of all people, should know what a coward I can be. How much of an idiot I am."
"Why me?" I scrunch up my nose. "What are you talking about? Because you've lost me." His face turns such a dark red, it's almost purple. I watch as he folds in on himself. The look of mortification on his face is similar to the way he looked that day when I had stood on his doorstep, thinking he was going to kiss me. The memory sends a sharp physical pain through me, and suddenly I'm angry at him.
"If you really want to say your a coward, then just do it." I snap. "It's not my business."
"Fine. I will." He snaps back, writing in bold letters 'Jou Is An Asshat.' I watch, quiet, as he writes out a whole, sloppy paragraph underneath it. With every word he gets down, his grip gets tighter and tighter, the letters slanting in his rush to get what he needed out. There's no warning when he is finished, either. He just stands up, shoves the paper at me, and marches to the other side of the living room to wait while I read.
My sister used to be friends with this really brash girl. She was upfront and serious and I never could understand why she willingly talked to a loser like me. One day, the girl came to my front door, but something was different. She was wearing a color I had never seen her wear before - red. Usually it's purple or white or black. But that day it was red. She looked so stunning, I couldn't remember how to breathe. I had never known how tall she was until then, or noticed how her hair looked like gold in the sunlight. Or how one edge of her mouth rose higher than the other when she talked. When I opened the door and saw her there in all her fiery glory, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to press her against the wall and ask her to be my girlfriend. But I didn't. I was scared that she thought of me as an idiot - just her friend's brother. I chickened out, and I haven't dated anyone since. I haven't even wanted to. She always stays in my line of vision. And the more she avoids me, the more I learn about her - the more I want her. There's some kind of unfinished business between us, and until I figure out what it is - or how to win her over - I can't do anything else.
I read through the paragraph twice to make sure my eyes aren't playing tricks on me, and then I look up at him. He is turned toward me, one hand in his pocket. His face is averted, as if looking directly at me would be painful. My hands start to tremble, then my entire arms. And when I get to my feet, my legs feel weightless. I take in a breath to speak, but no words form. I'm remembering that day again, when I thought he was going to kiss me and how badly I had wanted it. I've been plunged back into that time of my life where I discovered things I had no words for.
We're still across the room from each other, but somehow there's less distance between us than ever - as if we are almost touching. I can't believe that I am not dreaming. Looking at that time through his eyes, knowing how he felt...it was surreal. All the time I wasted running from him, trying to tell myself that I didn't care if he never wanted me like I wanted him... If there is an idiotic coward in this situation, it was me. I smile at him, because it is the only thing I can do, and he lets out a huge gust of air. I realize that he has been holding it for a long time. This makes me laugh a little. He shakes his head, embarrassed, but laughs, too.
Any second now, he's going to finish what we had started on his front step. He's going to come over and wrap his arms around me and kiss me like I had never been kissed before. The way you always read and hear about in romance stories. I know it as surely as I can see him standing there, looking at me.
He begins to take a step, but freezes when the doorbell rings. Every bad feeling I've ever had in my life washes through me in that moment, because I know who is at the door. Jou stumbles back, and I brace myself for the worst as I pad my way to the door. When I open it, Valon's standing on the other side with a big smile. Before I can stop him, he asks, "Ready for our date?"
It's so silent, I can hear the water dripping through pipes in the wall and the humming of my refrigerator. I peer over at Jou, who is staring at my carpet, shaking his head barely perceptibly. I desperately try to reach out to his mind, but all I feel is an ice cube of shock. Confusion, distress. Discouragement.
"Jounouchi." I say softly, wishing that, instead of mind-reading powers, I had the power to rewind time. Valon peers around the frame, noticing him for the first time.
"Oh, hey." He says, sounding confused. I get hurt vibes from him.
Way to go, Mai. Two for two.
"We were working on our character assignment." Jou explains as he crosses the room, taking the paper from my hand. I want to stop him - I want to tell him that things are different now that I know the truth. But that would hurt Valon even more, and I don't want to do that either. But I can't see any way through this without hurting someone - whether it is Jou, Valon, or myself.
"We can finish this some other time." Jou mumbles, bending down to grab his things. "I'll...I'll call you." I can hear the break in his voice, and it just collapses my stomach. "Have a nice time." He says to Valon, brushing past him.
I can't even make myself say goodbye.