If you are a cliffhanger ending
I'm the one that doesn't know anything
Like a magpie and a ring
I am always going to be looking right to you
If I were to hideout on the sea
You'd be whispering from the westerlies
And any book I'll ever read
You'd be the line that sticks out to me
Out to me
"Toes" - Lights
Chapter Eleven: Nothing
Paul POV
"Oh come on Paul. That's funny." Quil joked as we walked, knotting our shorts, up the walk to Sam's place. I rolled my eyes, tired of the jabs. Why couldn't I have been more careful with my thoughts?
"What's so funny guys? How was patrol?" Sam asked as we came into the kitchen to see the rest of the pack hanging out before our "downtime" today. We were all getting together to fix up the dock at Billy's place with Charlie. Of course, Bella would be there too.
"Uneventful." I muttered. I sat down, good mood tossed down the drain, by Quil's "good-natured rousing". It was fucking annoying.
"Guess what Pauly-boy here let slip?" Quil asked and I just grumbled, crossing my arms. There was no point in trying to stop him. He'd just think about it later. The guys were all ears as Quil happily told them.
"Paul's been sleeping with that sweater he got back from Bella! Like a teddy bear!" I rolled my eyes standing up.
" . Funny, huh? Glad you fucking think so." I snarled angrily as I stormed out. I'd had enough of the "fun". I walked through the woods, avoiding the paths. I didn't want to run into anyone. I just wanted to be alone. Today wasn't going to turn out well with my shortened temper. I kicked a rock at my feet and it bounced off a tree.
"Problem?" I heard a voice say. I looked up to see Charlie standing there with his chainsaw looking mildly amused. My mood lightened a bit, knowing I didn't have it in me to be disrespectful to Charlie. I just shrugged.
"Frustrated." I told him and he nodded, looking around. I had interrupted his thought process.
"I can relate." I sighed and nodded. If anyone could understand frustration, it would be him. Living with Bella and dealing with idiots like me couldn't be easy.
"Yea I bet you can." He chuckled and gestured for me to follow. I wandered around the woods with him in silence for a few minutes until I realized we weren't going anywhere in particular.
"Uh…what are we doing?" I asked and he looked around again in thought.
"Trying to find a few good trees to use for the dock. I have a feeling we might need to replace a lot of what's there. I nodded. The dock was pretty beaten up. "So I just want to scope out the area… try and remember what's here just incase."
"The guys and I know the forest pretty well. I'm sure I could relocate the areas we've gone through." He nodded with a clap on my shoulder and we turned around, heading back towards Billy's.
"So what's got you all riled up?" He asked and I sighed, looking to my feet.
"Just…tired of people expecting the worst from me." He nodded silently, giving me time to pull my thoughts together. I thought for another moment.
"It's just…I know I'm an asshole. I know I have a bad attitude. But…when I do something nice or I start to let that…" I paused, not knowing how to put it.
"Hard exterior?" Charlie supplied and I nodded.
"Yea. When I drop that and show that I'm not just a hard ass…people just give me a hard time. They get on my case about it." He nodded again.
"I can see that. I mean…I can relate really. People look at me the same way. I'm the emotionless, gruff police chief. But when I get sentimental…like when Bella came back to town or when I almost lost her…people think it's odd. They think I'm going soft." I nodded.
"Exactly." He sighed.
"Well, kiddo. You'll be dealing with that for the rest of your life. But don't let it get to you. It's not…Paul going soft. It's Paul showing the other half of his personality. You know? You've got it in ya to be kind hearted and sensitive. You just reserve it for the special people that will appreciate it. There ain't nothing wrong with that, son." Son. Son. The word hit me. Hard. I took a deep breath, angrily telling myself that I'd kick my own ass if I shed the tears creeping to the surface.
"Thanks, Charlie." I choked and he clapped me on the back again.
"You're a good kid, Paul. You know…I don't mind these talks. Man to man." I chuckled. I knew what he was getting at. It was the gruff way of saying…you can always come to me.
"I don't mind them either, Charlie." He gave me a smile before clearing his throat.
"So how ya been kid? Mitch has been hanging around our place a lot lately." I chuckled. Mitch loves it at the Swan house. And I love when he goes…he always leaves with leftovers.
"Yea he's infatuated. I've been good. Busy…you?" He sighed happily.
"Been pretty good! Bella hasn't been waking me up screaming the last few nights, which is a relief." I couldn't help but mentally note that it was because of my sweater. My scent soothes her…it made my wolf howl for joy that she could feel the effects of the imprint too. It made me feel guilty though…she would learn to rely on my scent for comfort…
"Well that's a bonus." I told him and he nodded.
"I still don't see what it was about that kid. Just a little prick if you ask me." I chuckled at that. I couldn't help it… my imprint's father loves the wolves…hates the leeches. It was fantastic.
"Oh yea? Made quite the impression did he?" I asked casually. I didn't pay as much attention as the other guys did. It kind of bothered me that they seemed to know so much about Bella and I didn't. Like the music thing…how did they know all this stuff?
"Oh he's just a mess. They used to bicker something awful. He was a whiney kind of guy. Sulked around like his problems were more important and acted like Bella should rely on him or something. She's not a lean-on-you type of girl." He chuckled. "Used to get on his case something fierce." I chuckled at this.
"Oh yea?" He nodded.
"Yea. Bella doesn't much like being told what to do. She's very independent…well… she used to be. She didn't need anyone. So…her behaviour is a bit odd. I mean…she just wasn't acting normal." I shook my head. I'd never approve of a guy creating dependency. It's not healthy. "She seems to be getting better day by day though. The house is full or laughter…music…good cooking. She's still too skinny…doesn't eat quite enough. But she's smiling." He seemed hopeful. It was my turn to clap him on the back.
"She seems to be on the right track, Charlie. I wouldn't worry too much. Bella's gotten pretty close to the guys on the res. We'll keep an eye on her." He smiled at this and chuckled as we walked out of the woods at the dock to find Bella and the guys talking and laughing. Mitch was there too, joining in the fun.
I took a moment to take Bella in. Charlie was right…still too skinny. Her face was still bruised pretty badly but it was starting to change colour, which meant it was getting ready to fade. She's a short little thing…well over a foot shorter than I am. Her brown hair had gotten quite long in the last few months…it fell in soft curls around her shoulders and down her back. She wore simple blue jeans and a grey v-neck tee. A few bracelets on her wrist…including one that had a wolf on it. I looked at it closely…it was brown leather and looked like it had been braided. I noticed Jacob wore a similar bracelet…brown, braided leather. My wolf snarled and snapped at the endearment around my imprint's wrist. It had to have been a gift from Jacob. I saw her scar glowing…standing out to me like a neon light on her other wrist. It brought out the protector in me. Really…Mitch was right. Enjoying Bella's company would be really easy…I just didn't know if I could afford it.
I caught Quil's eye once I finally tore my gaze from Bella and shook my head at his smirk. I wasn't in the mood.
"How'd you get here, peanut?" I asked Mitch and he smiled big.
"Bella came and got me." He told me and I ruffled his hair, casting a thankful nod Bella's way.
"Thanks Bella." I told her and she smiled to me brightly…it made my knees weak.
"Oh no problem." She told me and turned back to Jacob and their conversation. I made a mental note that they seemed to be buddying up again…as much as I hated it…but Bella seemed happy. I walked over to Mitch and nudged him, earning a smile.
"Bella said they are having a barbeque tonight…can we go?" I glanced to Bella, who kept stealing glances at me…though I'm sure she was fairly confused as to why. I took a breath and nodded to Mitch.
"Of course we can, bud." He smiled and I turned to Sam who clapped me on the shoulder.
"Sorry for the jabs earlier, Paul. I told them to knock it off." He said and I shrugged trying to let it roll off my shoulders. I didn't want to talk about it so close to Bella. We made eye contact and I saw her blush…which probably had a lot to do with our last conversation. I had basically told her that I knew she slept with my sweater…but I didn't want her to feel embarrassed. I don't know…I feel like…maybe I have changed a bit. The Paul I've always known would have laughed in her face…thought her to be idiotic and clingy. And in a way…I think if it was anyone else I would, in fact, have that response. I mean…we all know I still have casual sex with any hot broad I stumble upon who is willing…and when they get tied to me I get very dismissive of them…sometimes I even boycott calling them again. One of my fucks last week actually..Rebecca…Rose…Riley? Who cares…doesn't matter. She tried to keep my sweater…this brown thing I don't even like…and there was no way in hell I was leaving it with her. Yet…three nights ago I willingly handed Bella a sweater that I actually do like…and made sure it was heavy with my scent.
It was her…she just had this…way about her. I cared about her…even my man wanted what was best for her…which is why he won't let my wolf at her. She's such a great person…much better than I initially pegged her to be but…that's why I can't let her get involved with me. 'Well she goes to sleep every night clutching your sweater. How is that not involved?' My wolf snapped and I held my breath, waiting for the flip flopping in my stomach to disappear. My wolf was so happy that she's growing attached…fuck… she even smells like me from sleeping with my sweater. But…my man feels nauseated…and not in a rude way just…I don't know what I would do if Bella ended up like my mom.
"Hey…you alright?" I heard a small voice ask. I looked away from the lake and to the small girl standing beside me. I noticed that everyone else was wandering up to the house and I had been deep in thought.
"I um…yea. I'm good. why?" I asked and she gave me a small smile.
"Well…you looked a bit dazed…and then you didn't move when we started to head back to Billy's…" I nodded. The imprint must have told her I was off. She seemed tense…like she was anxious but didn't know why. I knew why… it's because I'm anxious. 'Touch her, need her, love her!' My wolf chanted, clawing beneath my skin. I took a deep breath and just shrugged. She looked conflicted before she suddenly threw herself into my arms. I looked down to her shocked as she pressed herself against my chest in a hug. I acted on instinct…and I hugged her back. I pulled her close and rested my chin on her head. She was so small…so delicate. Before I knew it my wolf and man weren't so much conflicted with one another…but they both seemed to be working against me. My wolf was joyous…her smell…her touch. It was so soothing and I felt like I just couldn't get close enough. My man…he was assaulted by the smell of her shampoo and the way her little body fit against my own…it was hard in that moment to remember that I can't have her.
All too soon she pulled away…albeit hesitantly…and looked up to meet my gaze.
"I'm sorry…you looked like you could use a hug." She told me in a small voice. I could only smile and shrug.
"I suppose it doesn't hurt." She smiled and sighed.
"And…I wanted to…thank you. I mean…to be honest I was…a little…completely mortified by our last conversation…" I put my hand up to stop her.
"Don't…be embarrassed. It's alright." She sighed again, closing her eyes.
"I don't know what it is…I don't get it…but something about you just…relaxes me." She opened her eyes and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach…in the most amazing way. My wolf was in his glory…and weird things were happening to my man. I cleared my throat, forcing myself the respond.
"Yea…it's the werewolf smell." I nodded. "It…ah…it can be relaxing when it counteracts the smell of vampire." She looked thoughtful and then nodded.
"Oh…I get it. But…Nigel's sweater didn't make me this relaxed." I took another moment, composing my half lie. There was no way I could just blurt out 'Oh well that's because you're my imprint and no one will ever make you feel like I can.' I felt my wolf shiver at that thought. No one…no one could ever make her feel like I could…and I wholeheartedly knew that.
"It could just be that I have a stronger…something. I'm older… maybe that's it." She nodded, trying to understand.
"Well whatever it is…thank you. I…I needed the relief." I smiled genuinely to her knowing I made her feel better. I was glad.
"It's no problem…just…let me know when you need a swap." She nodded and we started walking back to the house…standing a bit too close.
"So what are we doing anyway?" I asked and she shrugged.
"Well we decided that we are all in desperate need of coffee so two of the guys are making a coffee run and we are writing down our orders for them." I nodded.
"Wow. I must have been really out of it to have missed the word 'coffee'." I told her with a chuckle and she laughed too, nodding.
"Yea you were pretty out of it." She noted and I was inwardly thankful that she didn't pry.
"Well, look who decided to join us!" Quil teased and I shot a look at Sam, who nudged Quil. I caught Charlie's eye too…and he looked curious. I just shrugged and pocketed my hands.
"Got caught up in my thoughts." I mumbled and walked away from Bella. It was hard to maintain my nonchalance standing so close to her. I went to Embry who was taking orders and let him know I wanted a large coffee.
"Alright, and Bella? Anything for you my dear?" Quil asked her, a hint of humour in his voice. He was trying to bug me. And it was fucking working. I watched as Bella laughed.
"Yea could I get a large coffee as well? Thanks guys." Quil winked to her, causing her to blush and I'd about had enough. I turned around and started heading back to the dock, finished with the day already…and it was only 9am. I was only at the dock about a minute before I was joined by everyone else, including a curious looking Bella. I gave her a small smile and got to work ripping the dock apart with Sam and Nigel. Billy was telling Charlie how big he'd like the dock to be and what shape while Bella drew it out for them. I had heard that she was artsy or something…I'd seen a few things in Nigel's mind and inwardly I felt guilty that everyone seemed to know my imprint better than I did.
"Alright. Bella you finish that off, Jake and Jared, you two go with Charlie to grab some more wood. Mitch you want to start loading the wheelbarrow up to take away the dead stuff? Bella will help you once she's done the plans." Everyone got to work at their respective stations and I was just glad Bella got to stay here where I could keep an eye on her. We hadn't had a vampire mishap so deep into the res yet…but I didn't want to take any chances. I watched as she thoughtfully drew out the plans for the next five minutes until she seemed content before putting them on a work horse under a hammer to keep them from blowing away.
"Alright Mitchie! Let's start cleaning up!" She told him and he laughed, his wheelbarrow full already. She pointed to the burn pile where he could take the old wood and she started loading up another wheelbarrow.
"Here, those pieces are pretty big." I told her, going to her immediately when I saw her struggling. For some reason we hadn't been breaking them down enough because we didn't have a strength issue. Bella looked to me and smiled thankfully as I began breaking the wood into smaller pieces.
"Smaller pieces guys." I told Sam and Nigel and looked back to Bella. "Sorry…we weren't thinking." I told her and she smiled, putting her hand on my forearm.
"It's really alright. No need to be sorry." She told me and I felt butterflies at her touch. Stupid fucking butterflies.
"We'll break them down a bit more." Nigel told her with a wink and I had half a mind to throw him into the lake. 'Winking at my imprint…the fucking nerve.' I shook my head. I was wayyy too moody today. Back and forth…like a crazy person. I looked to Bella once more before heading back to ripping the dock apart and earned a smile from her.
"Thanks." She told me and I involuntarily smiled back. As I approached Nigel I made eye contact.
"Think again before you wink at her." I told him in an especially hushed voice to make sure she couldn't hear. Bella had a habit of having ridiculously good hearing.
Before we knew it, the dock was built and we were finally resting. I looked over to see Bella laying on the grass, tired and happy that the job was finished.
"It looks great guys! Thank you for all your help." Billy said and everyone insisted it was no problem. It looked pretty good. It was a bit bigger now because we tend to have larger finishing groups than before and it was a lot more stable. I watched as Jake helped Bella to her feet and she stretched.
"Alright I'm going to head back to the house and get things started. I'm taking Billy with me, Bella are you coming with or catching a ride with Sam?" Bella looked to Sam who nodded to Charlie.
"I'll bring her home, Charlie." Charlie nodded and he and Billy disappeared down the forest path.
"This thing really does look great. You did a great job planning it out Bells." Jake told her and she smiled, walking around on it.
"Thanks Jake…it turned out pretty good, eh?" We all nodded.
"Oh for sure. You're not just a regular gem are you Miss. Swan?" Quil cooed as he tossed his arm around her shoulders, earning a shocked laugh from Bella. I could almost see red at this point, given all his "good natured" asshole-ery today. Nigel and Sam watched me as they tensed.
"Excuse me?!" Bella asked as she laughed. Quil just pulled her closer into his side and gave her a sly grin.
"You my dear, are a rare diamond! Beauty and brains! And it doesn't hurt that you know your way around a power tool." He told her with a wink. I'd had enough.
"Quil, I'm warning you." I seethed, earning a curious look from Bella. Quil just laughed.
"Oh hush pup. We are only kidding around. Right Bella?" He asked her with another wink and I acted without thinking. I walked up to him and gently took Bella's hand, bringing her out of his grasp.
"I said fuck off, Quil!" I yelled. Bella grabbed my forearm and tried to sooth me.
"Hey…Paul relax. He's just kidding around. Right Quil?" She asked and he laughed.
"Oh he's just got his panties in a bunch." He said and I saw Bella shake her head. She knew. She didn't even know me and she knew…don't fuck with me when I'm not in the mood.
"Quil that's enough." Sam told him and I just shook my head.
"You're a fucking asshole, that's what you are. Next time keep your hands and eyes to yourself." I snarled and Bella placed her hand on my stomach, peaking out from under my arm. My arm went around her shoulders instinctively, my eyes never leaving Quil.
"Man you've always been a dink but this whole imprint thing just takes it to a all new level." Quil said. The words were out before anyone realized it. Even Quil didn't believe it had slipped out as he covered his mouth with his hand. We were all silent, tension thick in the air.
"Im…Imprint? What are you…what are you taking about Quil?" Bella asked hesitantly. No one replied to her though. We just stood there in silence, my glare set on Quil. He was a dead man.
"Quil…" Sam breathed in shock and I didn't know what to do. Bella came to stand in front of me.
"Paul…what is he talking about?" She asked and I had no choice but to look at her. My wolf wanted to spill my guts…my man…he was terrified.
"Paul." She pressed and I closed my eyes.
"I…I imprinted…on you." I said quietly. I opened my eyes to see confusion in hers.
"What does that mean?" She asked and I lost it. I shouldn't have…but my wolf had been winning all day and my man was just tired of it.
"Nothing. Alright? It means nothing. I don't want you, I want nothing to do with this. You…you're not special alright? This doesn't mean we are anything. You're nothing to me. Nothing!" She stood there in shock at my outburst.
"I didn't…I mean…we-" But I cut her off.
"No! There is no we! There is a you and there is a me. I don't want you Bella." I told her angrily. The look in her eyes…it was like I slapped her. I could feel my wolf whimpering in pain as I felt the repercussions of my actions but…I didn't know what else to do. I was a basket case around this girl. I was up I was down… I couldn't keep my mood in check. One minute I'm happy the next I'm a dick…I hated it.
"You're not good for me, Bella." I told her flatly. The look in her eyes told me I had hit it…that nerve. The one that told me she didn't want me either…it was painful…but it was necessary. I turned away from her and began walking home. I was no longer in the mood for a barbeque.
Bella POV
I stood there in shock…I was so confused. One thing I did know though…the gaping hole was back and it was ripping through me painfully. 'You're not good for me, Bella.' His words rang through my soul…I could only stand there and watch as he disappeared.
"Jesus Christ…Quil. You get morning shifts for the next three fucking months." I heard Sam say before he came to stand in front of me.
"Bella…are you ok?" I adjusted my eyes to meet his glance and couldn't manage any words. I took a few breaths and tried to gain composure. I was so embarrassed…he had just bitched me out in front of everyone…and I didn't even know why.
"I'm so confused…" I whispered and Sam nodded, sighing.
"Alright guys, you head up to the house and we will meet you there later. Bella and I need to have a chat." I watched as the guys all left, sad and angry looks on their faces, leaving just Sam and I at the dock.
"Come sit Bella." He told me gently and I sat with him on the edge of the dock.
"What the hell just happened?" I asked. He just sighed and turned to me.
"Well…there is a law in our world called imprinting. Imprinting is when a werewolf forms a special connection with a person through contact." I looked at him confused.
"A…special connection?" I asked and he nodded.
"Yea. It's…a really special connection. It's…it's like the whole world kind of…shifts beneath you and it's not gravity holding you to the earth…it's her. She…she becomes everything." I took a deep breath, overwhelmed.
"And it's not an automatic romantic connection…it's whatever she wants or needs it to be. Friendship, love…you could even turn him away. It is on hundred percent your call." I took another few breaths.
"So…I'm not affected by this at all…" I half asked, half stated. He hesitantly shook his head.
"Well…not entirely. He soothes you. Being around him…it probably relaxes you. You might feel a connection to him…and he you. He's a moody prick when he goes too long without seeing you." He laughed but I couldn't bring myself to see the humour.
"But…ok. When the hell did this all happen?" I asked and he sighed, a smile playing on his face.
"Well…ironically it was the day you punched him in the face. The second your skin connected with his he imprinted." I continued to regulate my breathing. That was a while ago…
"What does this mean?" I asked hopelessly. He thought for a few minutes but never responded.
"I mean," I continued. "He clearly wants nothing to do with me…I don't understand. He hates me more now that he did before this whole mess." He looked at me and sadness filled his deep brown eyes. He shook his head.
"Bella that's not true… he's…Paul is complicated. It's not that he hates you…he hates imprinting. He isn't ready for commitment and he isn't ready to be someone's everything. It freaks him out. He's actually been a lot more tolerable lately…well…the days he sees you. It does affect him…in a major way. And in a way…I think he enjoys it. Being useful and seeing that he has a positive affect on someone. It's gotten even better since you and Mitch started hanging out. I mean…you have to see how close they are." I nodded. Mitch had explained their general situation not long ago in my kitchen. He shrugged.
"Don't for a second think he hates you Bella. You're his imprint…it will just take time for him to adjust. Be patient with him." I sighed, looking at my hands.
"Has anyone else in the pack imprinted?" He chuckled.
"Well I imprinted a few years ago on Emily." I smiled to him. They were just adorable together. Then a thought hit me.
"Does…does imprinting usually lead to…l-love?" He sighed.
"Well…usually, yes. But it doesn't have to. Like I said…if all you want is to be friends…you can tell him that. He will be the best friend you've ever had. If it grows into more…he'd never do you wrong. Paul says it all the time and no one believes him…but imprinting genuinely doesn't mean love. It's the Gods saying, look at this person. They are exactly perfect for you…they are meant to be in your life. If you can find a place in that dynamic to find love…it will be the best love you've ever had. I do know, however…that if he can't find love with you chances are he won't find it anywhere else. He's tied to you for life Bella. You will always stick out to him…his world will always revolve around you...whether he realizes it or not." I took another deep breath.
"Forever is a long time." I whispered and he chuckled.
"Yea…but not as long as you would have spent being a vampire." He told me and I nearly choked. He chuckled again.
"Ah, come on Bella. Don't say you didn't have a plan." I looked to him and sighed.
"I won't say we didn't…but I know now that it would have been a huge mistake…and it's just hard to think about." He nodded, his face turning soft. He put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his side. I felt myself breathing in his scent…it just wasn't right. It wasn't Paul. I felt tears coming to my eyes as I realized this.
"What…what do I do?" I asked in a weak voice, a tear falling down my cheek. He put his head on mine and let me vent.
"I just…he…those things…he said…he told me what…what…Edward told me." I cried and I felt Sam's hold on me tighten.
"Yea. I'll be having a talk with him. Bella, he was completely out of line…" I sat up and looked at him, wiping my tears.
"No, don't." He gave me a look. "Don't say anything…he made that choice…that was what he wanted to say and that's the way it is. Imprint or not…I didn't necessarily need him before and if he wants nothing to do with me now then…then I don't need him now. I just…I just want to drop it." He sighed and gave me a pleading look.
"No…please Sam. Just…let's pretend it never happened. I don't…I don't know if I have the strength to walk down this path." He nodded and brought me into a friendly hug. I hugged him back, taking comfort in his kindness. He stood and helped me up, leading me up to the house. I was met with sad looked from the guys. Jacob came up to me instantly, seeing my red, teary eyes. He took me in a hug and I let him…it was warm and safe…he was one of my best friends. I was finding it a lot easier to fall back into step with Jake now that I had time to cool off and see reason.
"Thanks." I whispered to him against his chest. He only nodded, keeping his arm around my shoulders as we broke apart. I saw Mitch give me a sad look and I smiled to him reassuringly. I caught Quil's glance too and he looked positively sick.
"I have no idea why I did that…" He said shaking his head. I just leaned into Jake's side, very aware that Paul was no longer anywhere near me. I tried to shake it off but…it sucked. A lot. I looked to Sam as he cleared his throat and motioned to his truck.
"Well guys. Let's go eat." He said defeated. We all piled into his truck, either in the cab or in the truck bed, and headed down the road to Forks. I had a long night of socializing, pretending to be ok…then crying myself to sleep ahead of me. And I wasn't looking forward to it. The only thing in my mind…all I could think of…was his words.
'You're nothing to me. Nothing!'
There you have it guys! Secret's out! I hope you enjoyed!
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