Chapter 11 :

Wounds :

Later that night after spending the entire day on Maura's couch watching movies and cuddling Jane started to feel it was time for her to go home. Not that she wanted to but she knew that the more she waited to leave the harder it would be and the more tempted she would be to swap Maura off her feet and kiss her. As much as she loved Maura Jane wasn't ready to jump back into a relationship and neither was Maura. Both women knew that Maura had a lot of work to do with her therapist to rebuild her self confidence and to feel strong enough to be in a committed relationship without breaking under the pressure.

"Hey sweetheart, it's getting late, I should get going."Jane whispered kissing the top of Maura's head her arm still around her shoulder.

"No, stay with me."Maura groaned tightening her grip around Jane's waist.

"No really, I'm sure Joe Friday has already started chewing the coussins on my couch. Come on."Trying to stand up trying not to be too brutal Jane really, really to get out off Maura's house because she know she was really close to make the biggest mistake of her life.

"Alright. Good Night, please close the door behind you." Maura replied suddenly bouncing out off the couch turning her back on Jane.

"No Maur' wait. I'm sorry, it's just...it's so hard for me to be here with you without being with you."Jane objected grabbing Maura's arm to keep her from leaving before pulling her against her holding her tight with her arm around her waist.

"I know. I will see you later this week." Closing her eyes breathing Jane's natural sent Maura knew this was for the best, that she wouldn't be able to spend another night in her arms without touching or kissing her.

"Call me when ever you're ready. I love you." Jane muttered kissing Maura's shoulder slowly letting go of her.

"I love you too."Walking towards her bedroom her fists clenched Maura was fighting as hard as she could not to turn around and run back in Jane's arms. Luckily she knew that the best thing to do right now was to take things slow and let Jane set the tone.

The next morning after spending the night dreaming about Jane and the perfect day they shared together Maura went to her weekly therapist appointment determined to have her opinion on yesterday's events.

"Jane and I made some progress."Maura enthusiastically announced looking her therapist straight in the eye.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"Sitting in her usual velvet chair Dr Turner couldn't help but seeing the happiness on Maura's face and was hoping that the two women had actually made progress and that Maura hadn't misunderstood a word Jane might have said or a gesture she could have had.

"Yes. I visited her on saturday to tell her about our conversation. Unfortunately she was about to go out with her partner who has been trying to cheer her up so we decided to talk later in the week. Luckily around 11 she came to our house and told me that she wanted to know what I came to tell her about."

"She went out but was so intrigued that she cancelled her plans?"

"Yes, so we sat on the couch and I told her about the feeling I had that I wasn't good enough for her."

"What did she say?"

"That is was ridiculous, that I was the most incredible woman she had ever met, to which I replied that it was difficult for me to believe that especially since my parents no matter how successful I was in my academic activities or in my career never bothered to even pay attention to me and that I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved."Playing with Jane's engagement ring that was pending around her Maura remembered the first time they had confessed their feelings for each other and feeling complete for the first time of her life, like if Jane's loved had filled up the giant hole in her heart caused by her parents' neglect.

"I see, did she know about the neglect?"

"She knew but she didn't know how much it affected me. Talking about it was extremely painful for me, so painful that I actually confessed cheating on her as a way of sabotaging our relationship because I knew I was going to hurt her anyway but I was too much of a coward to break up with her."Confessing this for the second time Maura felt as sick as the first time. Feeling that she had hurt the only person who ever loved her and care for her because she was scared and lacked confident and because she didn't trust her enough to help hermade her hate herself even more.

"That must have been hard for her to hear."

"It was but she didn't over react, to the contrary she actually spent the night in our bed, holding me telling me that she was sorry for failing to see how my parents' neglect had affected me." Her arms crossed on her chest slightly closing her eyes Maura could almost feel Jane's arms around her and her breath down her neck.

"What happened the next morning?"

"We woke up early and I realized that even if we shared our bed for the first time in over two weeks and even if she promised that she wasn't leaving me again she was still not ready to give me another chance and it hurt." Maura sighed shrugging her shoulders.

"Well you can understand that as much as she loves you and as compelled as she feels to help you trust has been broken and it's going to take much more than honesty from your part to fix it."Dt Turner pointed out trying to emphasize on the fact that Jane was still in love with her and willing to help her while trying to remain realistic determined not to give her false hope. Dr Turner's main goal was to make Maura realize that love and honesty were two important things but that there was so many other things to take under consideration that shouldn't be left aside.

"I know, I know. Actually I think that neither of us are ready to rush into a relationship, so we decided or actually Jane suggested that take things one day at the time and try to be friends again."

"You make it sound like you didn't approve?"

"No I didn't. At first I thought that being friends would send us 5 years ago I started to remember how hard it was to be madly in love with her but unable to touch her or even confess my feelings. Luckily she assured me that this time it would different, that she had no intention of denying her feelings, that she loved me and still wanted to spend the rest of her life with her . Unfortunately she doesn't feel ready and if being with her means limiting our relationship to a friendship then I will accept it."

"Did you agree because you didn't want to loose her for ever or because you actually understand her point?"

"I understand her point perfectly. Obviously I miss her everyday and every night but rushing into a relationship would put unnecessary pressure on my shoulders and I'm scared of making another mistake if I feel pushed you know."

"I understand. So far being by yourself has been beneficial, it allowed you to think and consider your actions feeling that you could take your time. As hard and frustrating starting over might be I think it's the most reasonable thing to do.."

"You know I wish I could just stay away from her and work on my issues with you but I can not be away from her. As determined as I am I can not do this without her."

"I think you're underestimating you Maura."

"No. I know I should be doing this for myself but Jane is my main motivation, getting better to regain her trust is what matters more to me. You know Jane isn't only the love of my life, she's my best friend and to face the biggest challenge of my life I need my best friend's support. I know that being in her arms listening to her comforting me telling me everything is going to be okay without being able to caress her lips is going to be hard if not excruciating but it's I need. I don't expect you to understand my decision but I need you to respect it." As much as she trust Dr Turner Maura was well aware that her arrangement with Jane was unorthodox and that most therapist would find it unwise even unreasonable .

"I see nothing wrong with you being close to Jane, I know that she encourages you and gives you strength. I just don't want you to feel compelled to rush the healing process because you're impatient of re engage in a relationship and we both know that spending time with her might have that effect on both of you. "Feeling the determination in Maura's voice Dr Turner even if she was deeply convinced that staying away from Jane would have been a wiser choice decided not to object to her decision, feeling that therapy alone wouldn't help her to heal, that she needed Jane in her life.

"I know, I realize that healing takes time and that If I don't do this properly I might end up making another mistake and I don't want to. As loving and forgiving as Jane is she won't give me another chance. I want to do this right for her, for us and I'm willing to follow your advice and to take my time to achieve that goal." Lowering her voice as she felt Dr Turner's support Maura knew that she would need someone to slow her down and to make her see that taking her time was the best way to consider therapy and trust her to assume that role.

"Good, so would you like to tell me a bit about your childhood and your parents?"Changing the subject Dr Turner felt it was time to finally talk about Maura's parents. Now that she knew that their neglect had caused her low self esteem and lack of confidence she needed more details to assess the true extend of the neglect so she would understand Maura's feelings more accurately.

"Well I was adopted only a few days after I was born. My father is a professor and my mother came from wealthy family and is also an artist which leads her to travel around the world. I remember growing up watching my parents being so in love hoping I would one day have a mariage as successful as theirs. Unfortunately between their business commitments that lead them to travel around the world, their philanthropic activities and the effort their put in making their marriage work they barely had time for me. "Spinning her engagement ring around her finger with her thumb Maura suddenly felt much less comfortable talking about her parents than she was talking about Jane.

"That must have been hard for you."

"Yes. Don't get me wrong I grew up extremely privileged. I studied in the best schools, travelled around the world but when you're 10 and your parents send you to boarding school in Europe you don't really care about living in luxury, all you want is going back home for Christmas and spend time for your parents."

"Were you able to spend time with your parents during holidays?"

"No, not really. Our family foundation organizes its biggest fund raiser during Christmas holidays so my mother was barely home. When I got old enough to help her organise it I was able to spend more time with her but it wasn't quality time, it was very professional, very cold you know. Not that I'm not grateful for the education I received but I just...I just always wondered why they adopted me only to neglect me afterwards."

"Have you ever confronted your parents about it?"

"No...Now that I'm an adult my mother and I see each other more often, she comes a few times a year and I visit her in New-York as well. We got to museum, to see plays or even shopping. Obviously we don't really talk or share our feelings but it's better than not seeing her for months as a time like when I was little."

"I think you shouldn't settle for less than you deserve Maura. "

"I know, that's what Jane keeps on telling me. You know Jane always complains that her mother is hovering her, she works at the coffee shop downstairs, she puts her nose in our business all the time but at the end of the day when we need to talk about anything, she's right here. I remember when Jane shot herself about two years ago Angela stayed with me holding my hand days and nights for the entire 3 weeks she was in the hospital. My mother on the other hand when I broke both my arms falling off a horse and needed to be operated on didn't even visit me. I remember waking up at the hospital and seeing one of my nannies sitting next to my bed. "Reliving a few of the most painful moment in her life Maura was unable to hold her tears. For many years she tried to forget her feelings and what had happened to her as a child but after cheating on Jane she realized that denying those feelings were actually hurting her more than facing them.

"Where was your mother?"

"She was in Paris at the time. I remember her calling me and telling me she would be home soon but didn't come back for another ten days."Sobbing trying to breath Maura was suddenly overwhelmed with dozens bad memories as this one.

"Do you feel you have found a surrogate family in Jane's family?"Feeling Maura's pain and inability to breath or articulate a proper sentence Dr Turner decided to redirect the conversation towards something much more pleasant.

"Absolutely. Angela and Frankie who's Jane little brother started treated me as family long before Jane and I started dating. Angela she's...she's the mother I always wanted to have, she's warm, involved and I know I can tell her anything. For many years I allowed myself to feel part of Jane's family thinking it would help me heal but I know that I can not ignore the pain my parents caused me for ever, that if I want to be able to start a family of my own with Jane in the future I'm going to have to face them and the pain they caused."

"I'm proud of you Maura. Being willing to face your fears and your parents is a big step. I know you are scared of loosing them but Jane and I will be there to guide you and to help you find the right words to explain your feelings to them."Almost admirative of Maura's strength and determination Dr Turner was now convinced that Jane and her family will indeed play a huge part in her healing process.

"I know. I hope they're going to understand how I have been feeling for so many years and that it's not too late but I also have to accept the fact that I might loose them in the process but I just can not leave like this anymore. I want to be able to shop for my wedding dress with my mother and for my father to walk me down the aisles and feel how much they care about me and how involved they are in this planning this weeding . If they can not accept responsibilities for the way I feel today well...Sergent Korsak will be honored to walk me down the aisles and Jane's mother thrilled to help us plan our wedding."Thinking about it Maura knew that she needed to take the risk to loose her parents for even if she ever wanted to live a healthy life. Luckily for her she knew that she would always be able to count on Jane's family and that no matters what happens with her parents she will never have to be alone anymore.

Feeling safe in the intimacy of Dr Turner's office Maura was finally able to confide in someone other than Jane on how abandoned and miserable being neglected by her parents made her feel. One of the reason that made Maura remained silence all those years was because she didn't want people to judge her knowing that none of them would be able to understand how she could complain about having been raised with such privileges. What most people see when meet Maura is the expensive car, the large house and trust fund and the designer clothes and assume that her life is perfect. Unfortunately behind her"rich girl"'s appearance Maura has been profoundly unhappy most of her life and always envied Jane for being raised in a modest but loving and supporting family. Before meeting Jane Maura never dared to open up about her feelings but she quickly understood that Jane wasn't like every one else, that she saw right through the armure Maura has been wearing for so long that it almost became a second skin. With Jane Maura couldn't lie or hide her feelings and all she needed to do was to talk about her mother with sorrow in her voice for Jane to understand how deeply her mother had hurt her. Now thanks to Dr Turner and Jane's support Maura finally felt ready to face her parents and her feelings knowing she had the support of many people and that no matter how things would end with her parents she would always have a family and that alone made her feel extremely confident and loved.

So guys I think that this chapter was sad but full of hope as well. I think that Jane should be present during her next session . What do you thinK?