Okay, I realize that this chapter is going to be a really, really touchy chapter because of its content matter - but I wrote it with the intention of it being touchy. It does finally shed some light on what happened to Tessa and its not nice, just warning you guys now. There is rape and it IS Merle, so be prepared for some foul language too. However, this isn't all that's happened to her, I hate to say it. This is only the tip of the iceberg and the rest will be revealed in later chapters although nothing as bad as this. I promise that there IS a method to my madness - ya guys just gotta keep reading! :)
The way I do chapters like these, though, is if you don't like reading the subject matter of rape, you can always skip down to the part that is not in italics and read from there. Its not mandatory for the plot to read the fine details, it just fleshes out what happened. Either way, read it or don't but please, enjoy it the best you can and leave a review :)
- Nagiana
Favorite Line(s):
"Dumbass knew enough to rhyme his shit but didn't know enough to shoot himself in the head . . .?"
In hindsight, the trick had actually been pretty amazingly planned – for someone of Merle's mulish intelligence, anyway.
The note left for her on the kitchen countertop in the house telling her to go meet him in the barn, looked at first glance to be in Daryl's hand but on closer inspection, was actually markedly different. It was less slanted and slightly smaller – in hindsight, she didn't understand how she could have mistaken it for Daryl's. She blamed it on her being blissfully in love – on finally being able to call Daryl her fiancé and her future husband, for just the previous day he had gotten down on one knee and proposed to her with a beautifully simple diamond ring that made her heart ache whenever she looked at it. Continuing to look back, Daryl's crossbow and rifle were also absent from their places beside the back door and so was everything else he used when he went hunting.
She couldn't believe that she had been that stupid - that she could have been that stupid!
And when she ran, giddily, into the barn to meet him, the small diamond engagement ring on her ring finger sparkling in the bright Southern sunlight, Guns N' Roses' Nightrain was playing on the radio. Daryl never listened to Guns N' Roses unless he was drunk. He couldn't stand them otherwise (a quirk that she secretly despised for she loved the band - always had).
And instead of Daryl moving out from around the giant haybale in the center like he always did before following her up the ladder to the hayloft, that same conspiratorial grin on his face that he always had when they secretly agreed to meet in the barn, Merle strutted out instead - one of his good-for-nothing druggie friends strutting out behind him.
He was high – Tessa could see it in his eyes and smell it on him. He was high off of cheap, homemade meth and was probably also drunk on illegal moonshine. And whenever Merle Dixon was high and drunk at the same time, he was also dangerous - very dangerous . . .
His eyebrows furrowed in interest and slight confusion. "What are doin' in here, sweetpea?" He asked her and she opened her mouth to speak but found that no words would come to her lips. She pointed weakly back to the house and wanted to say that Daryl had left her a note but him grinning and laughing stopped her. "Ah, ya don' 'ave to say nothin', girl – we left ya tha' note! Daryl's been out huntin' since mornin'!" He told her and her heart gave a little jump as he gestured to the man moving to stand beside him. "Tessa, meet ma friend Dennis - Dennis, meet ma little brother's little squaw . . ."
While Dennis did indeed say 'hi' per Merle's command, Tessa simply gritted her teeth and moved her arms to cross in front of her chest in reply. The movement caused Merle's eyes to flicker briefly down to her breasts before meeting her eyes again and she couldn't help but swallow hard at the sight. Merle had always been a pervert, she had resigned herself to that fact the first day she formally met him. However, what she couldn't understand was why his normal tendencies were putting her on guard then?
"What the Hell do you want, Merle?"
Merle's face remained expressionless as he made an almost predatory way over to her, Tessa feeling her heart hammer away in her chest as he did so. His eyes as they burned into her seemed to burn into her very soul and she thought, briefly, about screaming for Daryl but thought better of it, as it would have been largely useless. Instead, when he neared her, she allowed him to yank out the clip holding her hair up, allowing her great wealth of ebony curls to spill down her back in a thick waterfall. He then fisted his hand in her hair by the roots and roughly bent back her head. Tessa flinched but didn't let out a sound, simply continued to hold the elder Dixon's gaze.
"Why does ma little brother get such a pretty little squaw, huh Tess? Why does little Darlina get what I can' have?"
"Merle, I swear to God I'll -!"
"Ya'll do what?" Merle laughed. "Ya'll scream for Daryl?" He shook his head. "Well tough biz, sweetpea – he's out huntin' and won' be back 'till midnight at tha least - which, if ya do tha math, gives us plenty of time to play!"
Tessa let out a shriek of protest and alarm as she was then dragged roughly over to a nearby stack of haybales that Dennis had already popped a squat on top of, where bent her roughly over it. She found her breasts and stomach squashed uncomfortably against the prickly hay and her breathing began to tear hard and fast from her chest. Merle's hand was still clenched uncomfortably in her hair as Dennis reached for her arms and pinned them on either side of her head on the haybale. It was then that she realized what was going to happen to her and her heart immediately set up an infinitely harder beat as tears appeared in her eyes.
She heard Merle chuckling as the tinkling of metal filled her ears – signaling that he was undoing his belt buckle and pretty soon, his jeans as well. Dennis's wheezy laughter also filled her ears. The only thing her eyes seemed to be able to settle on, was that tiny little diamond engagement ring wrapped around her ring finger . . . Daryl's ring . . .
She felt her own jeans being undone and then slid down her legs alongside her panties until she was standing there, bent over the stack of haybales at the waist, uncomfortably and humiliatingly bared to her fiancé's brother, as well as Merle's friend. She closed her eyes, unwilling the tears that brimmed to stay behind her eyes. He might do whatever he wanted to her, but he wouldn't get her tears during the act. She'd rather die the slowest death in the entire world, than show Merle Dixon her tears.
She did struggle against the tight grip that Dennis was holding on her arms, however, even when she felt Merle behind her, his hands taking a firm, almost bruising hold on her hips. She felt him bend down over her, his lips meeting her ear and she wrinkled her nose in disgust at his breath – a mixture of cigar smoke, moonshine and meth.
"Hush, sweetpea – hush - everythin's gon' be alright, I promise!" He whispered in her ear before grinning cruelly, relishing in the way her body quivered underneath his like a taut bowstring or a frightened mare. "And please don' take it personally either! Me and Daryl, we've always shared everythin' since we were kids, Tess – toys, guns, game . . ." One of his hands skimmed along her taut stomach at that moment – relishing in the way her muscles jumped and spasmed underneath his fingertips, and Tessa wanted to recoil violently from his touch but couldn't; Dennis's grip on her was just too tight. "And suddenly, I come back from prison, only to see that he has jus' the prettiest little damn squaw on his arm and not only that, but that he refuses to share too with his big brother?" He shook his head. "It jus' . . . don' make no sense tha' he should keep such a deliciously fuckable little squaw like ya all to himself, don' ya think, sweetpea? It ain' right and it's rather selfish, if ya want ma opinion!" Tessa's teeth gritted and her jaw hardened in anger and slight frustration. The force of tears building up behind her eyes was becoming painful, however, she still refused to show him any tears.
"Merle, I'm begging you -!"
Merle interrupted her by tsking. "I imagine this is rather . . . sudden for ya, so in case ya find it a bit too hard to bear, just imagine I'm Daryl, Tessa . . . bendin' ya over that nearest flat surface ya have been surely fantasizin' about all day, and it will all be over soon, I promise!"
And it was.
She didn't know what humiliated her more when Merle finally finished and they allowed her to roll off onto the straw covered floor of the barn. She immediately curled in on herself, sobs tearing forth from her lungs in painful gasps. She didn't know what humiliated and sickened her more - that she taken Merle's advice and pretended that it was Daryl who had bent her over the stack of haybales - whose hands grasped at her waist as he rutted into her – that she came around Merle's cock like a little fucking whore . . . or that she had been so willing to use her fiancé's image to save her own sanity during an event that no woman on the face of the planet ever wanted to find herself going through.
"Aw, come on man, I don't get a go?" She heard Dennis whine as he hopped down from the haybales, and Merle chuckled as he stood, tucking himself back into his jeans. He zipped, buttoned and belted up his jeans as he did so before he patted one of her shapely thighs. Finally, quietly sobbing and shutting down, her knees gave away underneath her and she collapsed to the dirty floor, Merle's come flowing so grotesquely from her body.
"Naw man, let her rest . . . she's been a good little mare for one day," He laughed then before he shook his head. "I'm impressed, too - didn' think ma brother would have been able to train her right! She's a good little ride!" His laugh turned down into a chuckle as he grasped her chin in his fingers and forced her to look at him. She let out a sob and tried to yank her head away but it didn't work. Merle was stronger than her, after all, and only thought it funny when she still tried to resist him. "But dayum, man, now tha' I look at her . . . I wish I would have blew ma load on her face – jus' to see what ma white spunk would have looked like on tha' beautiful caramel colored skin of hers! Hell, if he's anythin' like me, then I can garun-damn-tee ya tha' Daryl's done it before!" Tessa flinched violently at the visual as Merle knelt down beside her, his voice entering a sickly sweet coo. "So what about it, sweetpea – we're all dyin' to know now tha' I've said somethin'! Have ya ever allowed ma baby brother to blow his load on ya face before -?"
"Fuck you Merle Dixon!" She snapped angrily through her tears, interrupting him, and Dennis let out an amused whistle as Merle laughed.
"Seems she's a fiery one too, Dennis! Baby brother must like his women to talk back to him!" She shook her head.
"Just leave me alone, Merle! Haven't you ruined my life enough for one day?" Merle tsked again as he shook his head. He took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him.
"Oh, sweetpea . . . I'm not even close to bein' finished with ya yet! After all . . ." He turned an expressionless gaze up to the man standing before them and almost returned his grin. "Dennis hasn't even gotten his ride!"
By the time they finally were done, Sweet Child of Mine by Guns N' Roses was playing.
And from that day on, she became like Daryl in the fact that she could no longer stand to listen to Guns N' Roses.
The dream had been plaguing her all day. It had continued to create that same sick feeling in her stomach and the overwhelming urge to sob that she always got when she remembered the look in Merle's eyes when he said those last, excruciatingly painful words to her. It continued to fuck with her head, despite them getting the horrible news that Carl had been shot – news that rocked Ethan to his core – and the fact that they still hadn't found Sophia.
She wanted to pray and hope that Carl would be alright – that Sophia continued to be alright, but . . . she was in such a dark place at that moment . . . a dark place created and furnished by Merle and a dark place that she didn't even think Daryl had the power to free her from.
And then she couldn't help but wonder if she should tell him . . . if she should tell him everything – not just the rape but everything that the rape had created afterwards. She knew that she most probably should, but . . . she just didn't know how he would take the news and that alone held her back. Merle was his brother and everyone knew how infamously loyal Daryl was to his older brother.
How scarily loyal to him he was, to her.
"You need to tell him . . ."
Tessa's eyes fell onto Dale sitting beside her on top of the Winnebago later that night as they kept watch – as Carol cried in the Winnebago below them - as Daryl and Ethan tried to sleep and as Andrea continued to clean and load the guns. He smiled a small smile as he heaved a sigh and shifted the rifle from one hand to the other. "Whatever it is that is plaguing you – you have to tell him, Tess." She shook her head.
"I don't know how, Dale, let alone if I even can!"
"Is it that bad?"
Tessa's lips pursed and she felt her eyes grow wet with tears as she glanced at him. "It's the worst! I don't . . ." She swallowed heavily and gave a weak, almost defeated shrug. "I don't know if this will make me lose him – if-if when I tell him, he could only gaze at me with loathing and disgust instead of . . ." The words 'love' and 'adoration' fell dead on her lips before she could say them, but Dale nodded sagely, immediately understanding without her having to actually speak them. Unlike Andrea, who – in her opinion, anyway – was starting to act like a little bit of a spoiled little girl who had her favorite toy taken away because she was acting selfish – Tessa valued Dale's opinion. He had talked her out of her funk the other day with Carol and although she would be skirting around the issue, she would still ask for his opinion on what she should do. She closed her eyes and swallowed the hard lump forming in her throat. "I don't want to hurt him, Dale and this . . . this would cripple him!"
"I think you underestimate his love for you, Tess," Dale eventually spoke, his voice slow and gentle as he thought about how exactly he wanted to go about saying this. "He thinks the world of you – I don't think there is much of anything that you could tell him that would cause him to act as adversely as you think he would!" Tessa shook her head.
"You don't know him like I do Dale. You don't know his anger, his-his insecurities and oh God, there are so many! I know he likes to project this-this ideal that he's this unconquerable mountain to everyone around him, but . . ." She shook her head again, her heart taking up a hard, steady beat in her chest as she rambled on – anything to keep the tears from flowing down her cheeks. "But inside, he . . . he has all these insecurities from his childhood – all these fears that it took forever for me to banish! I-I know I need to tell him because he deserves to know – that in order for me to step out of whatever Hell I'm in right now, that I need to tell him! I just . . . I just can't!" Dale opened his mouth to speak then but he was interrupted by the door to the Winnebago opening, where Daryl and Andrea walked out to stand before them.
"I'm gonna go for a walk; maybe shine some light in tha forest. If she's out there, give her somethin' to look at . . ." He trailed off and his eyes when they flickered onto Tessa, beseeched her to come with him.
"Do you think that's a good idea right now?" Dale asked and as Andrea snappishly told him to stop worrying so much, Tessa simply heaved a sigh and got to her feet.
"I'll go with them, Dale. It'll do me some good to stretch my legs, anyway." She told him and Dale nodded and glanced at her as Daryl moved over to the Winnebago to help her down the ladder. She smiled at him and took the flashlight he handed her as they returned to Andrea.
"Ya still got my knife?" He asked her and Tessa nodded as they continued their trek down the road towards their usual entrance into the forest, Tessa finding herself walking in the middle between Daryl and Andrea.
"Where's Ethan?" She asked him, and Daryl chuckled.
"He was actually tha only one out of all of us tha' could sleep. I imagine he's still in there, sleepin' like a damn baby!" Tessa laughed as well as they moved over the guardrail and into the woods.
"Do you really think we'll find Sophia?" Andrea asked when they found themselves on a road leading through the forest, her question directed more towards Daryl than Tessa. Her voice was slightly glum when she spoke and Daryl glanced at her as he shined the light on her face briefly before scoffing.
"Ya got tha' same look on ya face tha' everybody else does," He told her as Tessa decided to stay quiet and out of it. She felt herself move unconsciously closer to Daryl, though, as they walked, almost as if clinging to him as long as she could before he would surely and angrily break things off with her when she finally grew the balls to tell him everything. He almost immediately noticed and glanced down at her briefly before moving closer to her as well. He couldn't put an arm around her with his hands full with both a flashlight and his crossbow, but their arms could brush with every movement and by the look on her face, he knew that suited her just fine. "What tha Hell is wrong with ya people? We jus' started lookin'!" Andrea turned a curious gaze onto him. She saw the way Tessa moved beside him and couldn't help but feel a flicker of concern for her. Everyone knew of Tessa's mindset right now – how fragile and yet – somewhat contradictorily - how totally strong she seemed, and once again found herself wondering what was going on with her.
"Well do you?" She asked and he scoffed and glanced at her again.
"It ain' tha mountains of Tibet – it's fuckin' Georgia!" He replied, slightly scathingly. "She could be holed up in some farmhouse somewhere. People get lost and they survive - it happens all thA time."
"She's only twelve!" Andrea told him in a tone that suggested he should grow some empathy and the look that Daryl pinned her with could have frozen ice.
"Hell, I was younger than her and I got lost. I spent nine days in tha woods eatin' berries and wipin' ma ass with poison oak -" He began but Tessa interrupted him by grinning and shaking her head.
"Oh God, haven't I already heard this story a million times before!" She asked him and Daryl grinned down at her before Andrea turned a curious gaze onto him as she shrugged:
"So they found you . . .?" Daryl shook his head.
"Ma old man was off on a bender with some waitress – ma was long dead. Merle was doin' another stint in juvie . . ." He shrugged then. "They didn' even know I was gone. I made ma way back, though! In fact, I went straight into tha kitchen and made maself a damn sandwich - no worse for wear!"
"Except your ass itched something awful, right?" Tessa teased him and Andrea immediately let out a snorting laugh as Daryl pinned her with a teasing look.
"Ya have heard this story a million times, haven' ya? Damn Tess!" He asked her with a chuckle and she nodded and continued laughing as Daryl glanced at the chuckling Andrea who immediately raised a hand in surrender.
"I'm sorry – I really am – that is a terrible story!" She couldn't help but laugh and when she crossed eyes with Tessa, they really couldn't stop laughing. They laughed until their sides hurt and it took them a while to stop. When they finally did, though, Tessa realized that Daryl had taken the time it took for them to calm down, to switch spots with her. He was in the middle this time and he immediately wrapped the arm whose hand was holding the flashlight, around her waist, where he brought her in close to his side. She immediately latched onto him, not caring if he was sweaty and didn't smell all that fresh. She wanted to get in as much of him as she could before she shattered his world into a million pieces.
"Tha way I see it, though," Daryl continued when him and Tessa could walk without tripping over each other's feet. "Tha only difference is tha' Sophia's got people lookin' for her. From ma experience, I'd call tha' a distinct advantage -!"
They froze then when they heard the gargled, guttural calls of a walker and Daryl's eyes immediately furrowed in confusion as he looked around, Tessa releasing him as he did so. The rustling of tree branches could be heard, as well as the creaking swing of a . . . rope?
"Daryl what is it?" Tessa asked him, her voice hushed, and Daryl shook his head as he cautiously led the way to the sound, his crossbow held aloft and ready. When they reached what appeared to be an abandoned campsite moments later, the stunned look of shock on Daryl's face was immediately mimicked by both Tessa and Andrea as they tried to wrap their minds around what they were looking at.
"What in tha Hell . . .?"
Hanging before them, swinging from a noose tied to a tree branch and with his legs chewed off underneath the knee, swung a walker. All their flashlights found themselves pinned on it and from underneath the beams, it started to thrash even more, its gurgling sounds coming more prevalently as it tried futility to get to them. Andrea covered her nose and mouth as Tessa simply grimaced and as Daryl took a fascinated step towards it. There appeared to be something nailed to the tree it was hanging from and he had to squint to read it in the gloom.
"Got bit. Fever hit. World gone to shit; might as well quit," He let out a scoff as he stepped back to observe him. "Dumbass knew enough to rhyme his shit but didn' know enough to shoot himself in tha head? All he did was turn himself into a big swingin' piece of bait! And a mess, too . . ."
Andrea immediately let out a groan as she doubled over at the waist to keep herself from vomiting, and Tessa flitted quickly to her side, her hand running soothingly up and down her back as Daryl turned around. "Ya'll right?" Tessa nodded and glanced at him as Andrea spoke:
"Just . . . trying not to puke over here . . ."
"Go ahead if ya gotta . . ." He replied as he glanced behind him again and Tessa shot him a mean look as Andrea shook her head.
"No, I'm fine, let's just . . . talk about something else for a moment, okay? How did ya learn to shoot?" Daryl shrugged as he continued gazing at the walker hanging in front of him and immediately when he spoke, Tessa knew this new conversation was not going to end without Andrea tossing her cookies.
"Had to eat, didn' I? Tha's one thing these walkers and us humans have in common. I guess we're tha closest he's been to food since he turned. Look at him, Tess – hangin' up there like a big piñata!" He shone the flashlight on the walker's legs then, the flesh eaten all the way to the bone and immediately Tessa let out a groan of disbelief.
"Daryl, don't -!"
"Tha other geeks must have come and ate all tha flesh off his legs -!" He continued, ignoring Tessa and immediately after he began, Andrea vomited, Tessa grimacing and looking away. She had a pretty strong stomach but if she saw someone else puke, oftentimes she ended up puking as well, which was the last thing she wanted to do at that moment. Daryl looked back in amazement and both Tessa and Andrea shot him mean looks.
"I thought we were changing the subject!" Andrea spoke with a groan and Daryl grinned.
"Call tha' payback for laughin' 'bout ma itchy ass!" He told her before he glanced at Tessa. "Ya okay, babydoll?" She nodded, determined not to look at Andrea's vomit pooling on the forest floor and he nodded as he moved over to them, ready to leave the area. Andrea stopped him, however.
"Aren't you gonna . . .?" She asked, pointing her flashlight beam at him as she did so, and Daryl shook his head and shrugged.
"Nah - he ain' hurtin' anybody. Ain' gonna waste an arrow either. He made his choice – he opted out. Let tha fucker hang." He moved to go again and Tessa shot her a slightly sympathetic look before moving to follow him. Andrea stepped forward towards the walker, however, and Daryl and Tessa had no choice but to stop and wait for her. Eventually, Daryl sighed and walked back towards her. "Ya wanna live now or not?" He asked her, and Andrea turned around to face him. He shrugged. "It's jus' a question." She glanced back at the walker before turning her gaze back onto him.
"An answer for an arrow - is that fair?" Daryl nodded.
"Yup."
Andrea waited for a moment, collecting her thoughts before she finally spoke. "I don't know if I want to live or if I have to or it's just a habit." She told him and he shot her a slightly disappointed look as he hefted his crossbow up and pointed it at the walker's head.
"Tha's not much of an answer . . ." He mumbled before shooting her a look. "And it's also a waste of a perfectly good arrow!" He turned around when he was done and headed back to the forest path then, Tessa and Andrea hot on his heels. They reached the highway not soon after and began the short trek down in-between the rows and rows of cars to the Winnebago. They saw Carol get up and make a hasty retreat to the inside confines of the vehicle, but neither one of them reacted. They didn't know how. Hell, at that moment, Tessa was the last person who knew what the Hell 'emotions' were.
Daryl shook his head as they finally reached the Winnebago as Dale was just climbing down from the roof and he heaved a sigh. He allowed Tessa to step inside before following her, Dale beseeching Andrea to stay outside for a moment so that they could talk. The door shut behind them and he deposited his crossbow on one of the dining sofas as Tessa moved to check on Ethan. He was still sleeping soundly, despite Carol's renewed sobs across from him, and she looked up as Daryl approached her.
"What's wrong?" He whispered and she shook her head, feeling her heart set up another frantic beat in her chest. Not now – not here! She couldn't tell him now!
"Nothing's wrong." She told him and he nodded although she could see in his eyes that he was practically screaming, 'bullshit'. He knew Tessa well enough to know when something was praying on her and by God, something was praying on her something awful at that point. He nodded again as he reached upwards and drew down a couple of blankets from the cabinets above her. She watched him with furrowed eyebrows and he paused when their eyes connected for a moment before he gestured to the blankets.
"I'm sleepin' outside tonight. Its cooler out there and . . . there's more room." He told her, trailing off somewhat awkwardly and she nodded as he turned around and moved towards the door, picking up his crossbow as he did so. The door open and shut behind him as he left and then opened and shut again when Dale walked in seconds later. He smiled when he saw her and nodded to the door.
"You should go join him," He spoke and she opened her mouth to say something but he shook his head, stopping her before she could even begin. "Go join him, Tess. He needs you right now just about as much as you need him, I think." He gestured to Ethan. "I'll watch him, don't worry. You just go."
With a light laugh and a nod, knowing better than to talk back to him when he was using that stern voice, Tessa got to her feet. After shooting one last lingering look at her son, Tessa left the Winnebago, closing the door as quietly as she could without waking her son. She looked up at Andrea who pointed a little ways down the line and Tessa immediately knew where he was. He was at their truck.
One of the containers of water Shane had found the day before yesterday in the shipping truck, stood empty beside one of the back tires and when she finally reached him, he was pulling on a clean shirt. He was clean of the grime and whatever else from the past two days that had been covering him like a second skin, and he glanced at her as she neared him. Her hands wrung nervously in front of her and he held her gaze.
"I . . . I promise Daryl, that I'm -!"
"Stop, Tess, jus' . . . stop!"
Her eyes widened as she brought them up to his and he shook his head as he moved over to her. His arms slid around her waist and he brought her into a protective hug, one that she readily reciprocated. "Ya tell me when ya ready, ya hear me? Not when ya feel like ya have to – but when ya finally get tired of fighting it yaself and ya want someone to fight alongside ya!" She shot him a grateful smile as he pushed away from her, taking her hand as he did so. He pulled her gently back towards the truck, where the blankets were already spread out on the bed and she smiled as he helped her step up on the tailgate. "I know it ain' tha hayloft, but . . . it'll work, right?"
Tessa bit her tongue at the mention of the hayloft – of anything having to do with that damned barn, but nodded as she turned around and gave him a grin. She took his hands, pulling him towards her from her kneeling stance on the truck bed, where she kissed him, her arms moving around his neck as she did so. "No . . . it's even better . . ." She murmured and he grinned as she sat back, pulling him with her as she did so. "Now come on and get over here, Dixon and for the love of God, help me forget!"