Mock Effect 3
Chapter 11: Hammer Time
INT: NORMANDY 2.0: WAR ROOM: THE DAY THE GENOPHAGE DIED
(JANE & JOHN SHEPARD and their allies are strategizing on how best to distribute the genophage cure when JOKER interrupts over the intercom)
JOKER: Commander, there's a reaper at the landing site!
JANE: What? How'd they figure out we were coming?
MORDIN: Unrelated. Likely using shroud for opposite purposes. Whereas we intend to cure the genophage, Reaper intentions hostile.
WREX: This just means we get to blow it up!
PRIMARCH VICTUS: You mean we blow it up while you shoot your popguns at it.
JANE: Hey, I get that you have to seem surly because not everybody played the side missions or talked to you ever again, but get with the game plan! We help the Krogan, the Krogan help you, and then both of you help Earth.
PRIMARCH VICTUS: Sorry, I got ahead of myself.
JOHN: Blah blah blah, let's get back to the part where we shoot something.
JANE: As a sudden expert in military strategy, I say we use a combined attack. The Krogan can attack the reaper on the ground as the Turians shoot it from the air. It's got to die somehow.
MORDIN: Suggest keeping volume from attack low. Will be synthesizing cure with Eve and need focus.
WREX: Forget that, Pyjak! Today we're curing the genophage! (Pulls out an air horn and honks on it repeatedly)
(WREX leads them out of the War Room as JANE and JOHN trail behind. Before they leave completely, JOKER's voice cuts in)
JOKER: Commander, there's a call for you at the console.
JANE: Which of us?
JOKER: They didn't say.
JOHN: Ooh, I bet that's the consort returning my calls.
JANE: Seriously? We have a war room that cost millions of credits and you're using it for phone sex?
JOHN: You're just jealous you didn't think of it first.
(Disgusted, JANE walks out, while JOHN answers the phone. To his disappointment, it's not the consort who never made sense anyway, but the SALARIAN DALATRASS)
SALARIAN DALATRASS: Good. I had hoped to reach you instead of your morally bound sister.
JOHN: Where's the freaking end button? I thought you were the consort.
SALARIAN DALATRASS: She never made sense anyway. One prostitute on the whole citadel? Really? But what I have to talk to you about is mutually beneficial.
JOHN: Huh?
SALARIAN DALATRASS: By now, you will have reached Tuchanka and Mordin Solus will have proposed using the shroud to distribute the cure. Years ago, our operatives sabotaged the shroud so that it couldn't be done. Mordin will find this and repair it, unless you stop him.
JOHN: Still don't have a clue what you're talking about.
SALARIAN DALATRASS: Either stop him and keep our fleets, or let him assist the Krogan and be forced to fight without us. (Dignified sniff)
JOHN: (Incredulous) You want me to stop the cure in order to keep … the Salarians?
SALARIAN DALATRASS: That is your choice.
JOHN: You're an idiot. (Starts laughing) To think… (laughs harder) I would trade… (He can't stand upright) Krogan for … (starts pounding the console) for nerdy lizards? (Nearly falling over, he hits the console's "end" button, and the DALATRASS disappears)
INT: NOT-TONKA TRUCK: TUCHANKA: ROUTE 66
(JOHN is riding next to JANE while EVE, MORDIN & WREX are riding on the opposite side. He is still thinking about the conversation with the DALATRASS and cannot stop chortling to himself.)
EVE: Commander Shepard, is there something we should know?
MORDIN: Heightened color, hunched appearance. Either highly amused or very ashamed.
RADIO: Wrex, it's Wreav! I was supposed to call you urgently right now to raise the dramatic tension?
WREX: Oh? I don't have that in my notes!
WREAV: Don't forget, we're all meeting at the hollows for a showdown before the big event.
WREX: We're on our way. Do I really have to snap?
(WREAV has ended the call and EVE has allowed the subject to change, but JOHN is still off kilter. JANE is looking at him funny when they land at the Hollows)
EXT: TUCHANKA: HOLLOWS: OPEN AREA: RANDOM ATTACK TIME
(CORTEZ lands the shuttle, conveniently next to an oblivious husk.)
WREX: Shepard! Hold the shuttle! They must not get to the female! (Runs the other direction)
JANE: Weird.
JOHN: What's weird?
JANE: He is. You are. Something is up here and I'm pretty sure that this story is one massive plan to annoy me.
JOHN: Oh. Heheh. Can't tell you yet. Husks to kill!
(After a short and unorganized attack by several half-hearted husks, WREX returns. He and several Krogan approach them from one side while another group approaches from the other side. MORDIN joins them right before the two meet.)
MORDIN: Eve doing fine. Bit gassy though. Excused self from chambers momentarily.
JANE: Thanks Mordin. What's going on?
OTHER HEAD KROGAN: That's just what I'd like to know. What's a Salarian doing here?
WREX: He's doing what I brought him to do; he's going to cure the Genophage, Wreav!
WREAV: He'll betray us! I say we kill him now!
MORDIN: Implications… unpleasant.
WREX: He's helping us and that is final!
WREAV: Is not!
(At this point Jane expects them to pull out shotguns and start blasting, but instead both groups start snapping. As the Krogan only have three fingers, this is very impressive.)
JANE: What in the name of Leonard Bernstein is going on here?
MORDIN: Aggressive ritual. They must attempt to sing and dance in order to prove their side of the discussion.
(The Krogan begin to circle one another, snapping. JOHN joins in, enjoying the show.)
JANE: John, stop it!
JOHN: But I'm a jet!
JANE: You're going to be fed to the sharks unless you stand still.
MORDIN: As the vernacular verse later implies, be cool.
JANE: Yeah, that.
(WREX and WREAV stop circling and smash their heads together. Before they can do it again, EVE interrupts them with a shout.)
EVE: FUS! RO! DAH!
(When they manage to pick themselves up after Eve's shout, they all look guiltily at the ground)
EVE: I step out for one minute and I come back to this? You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Now we have to get to the rendezvous point with the Turians, so everyone get in your Not-Tonka trucks!
INT: NOT-TONKA TRUCK: TUCHANKA: STUCK IN TRAFFIC
(JOHN, JANE, WREX, EVE, & MORDIN are all enduring the bumpy ride that constitutes getting anywhere on Tuchanka. Eve turns to John again.)
EVE: Commander Shepard? You were going to tell us what was so funny.
JOHN: I was?
JANE: He had a call from the consort.
EVE: The who?
WREX: High five, buddy!
EVE: Oh. That sort of call.
JOHN: Ha. Wish it was. Nah, it was that crazy Salarian Dinklage… or something like that.
JANE: What? And you didn't tell me? What did she want?
JOHN: She was totally out of it. She said I should stop the cure and trade it for her army of nerds!
MORDIN: Problematic. Shroud likely sabotaged. Will have to repair for cure efficacy.
WREX: (Suddenly very serious) What did you say to her?
JOHN: I hung up on her. Well, I was laughing so hard I don't remember how, but when I got up she wasn't there anymore.
JANE: Oh brother! There wasn't any wiggle room? Not even a middle of the road renegade response?
JOHN: Not that I saw. Besides, the Krogan are better troopers anyway.
WREX: You're darn right!
(The truck stops and JANE & JOHN get out to see what the holdup is. A nearby Krogan Scout greets them)
KROGAN SCOUT: Get your upgrades here! Upgrades! Get them while they're hot!
JANE: Seriously, you stopped us to give out upgrades?
KROGAN SCOUT: Well, not really, but it's the last spot you'll have to get them before the story takes off. The reason we're stopped is that there's a hole in the road.
JANE: A hole in the road?
KROGAN SCOUT: Yep. Big hole. Can't get around it.
JANE: Am I to understand that these huge trucks that are practically all suspension systems can't go off road for 2 minutes?
KROGAN SCOUT: Um… yes?
(Shaking her head, JANE turns away while JOHN grabs the upgrades. Before she can get back in the truck though, the Turian air force flies by. They hail the team.)
AIR FORCE COMMANDER: Krogan convoy, we're on the way! Wait… why are you back there? This is supposed to be a joint operation!
JANE: We're working on it, we're just a little behind.
AIR FORCE COMMANDER: A little? You're at least a mile short! What did you do, put on a play?
JANE: We'll catch up with you as soon as we can. Can you break off?
AIR FORCE COMMANDER: Negative, we're locked on target and worse yet, it saw us!
JANE: We're on our way! (To SCOUT) What is the point of driving giant trucks with immense suspension systems if a 6 foot pothole is going to block you in? Drive over it!
SCOUT: But the pothole is six whole feet wide!
JOHN: (From behind JANE) We could build a ramp and fly over it!
JANE: See? Do you see what happens when you give him time to think of crazy ideas? Get moving now before it involves rockets!
(The SCOUT gets in his truck and starts over the not so tremendous pot/plot hole with ease. However, as JANE & JOHN start to get in theirs, a Turian CPD [convenient pacing device] fighter crashes into the wall above their heads and they are knocked off)
JANE: Go, Wrex go! We don't have time to wait! We'll meet up with you later!
(The remaining trucks hurtle across the rubble and towards the shroud)
JOHN: (Beat) Um… how?
JANE: I don't know. Something always pops up.
JOHN: (Watching the trucks in the distance) I got nothing. Though I am beginning to get thirsty.
JANE: Why did we wear restrictive armor in this heat?
JOHN: The trucks are air conditioned.
JANE: Oh.
(They stand there for a moment, and then JOHN notices something)
JOHN: Hey, look, a hole!
JANE: Enough with the stuff about the pothole! The trucks handled it fine…
JOHN: No! In the wall. A door! Let's go!
JANE: Stand out here in the heat or go down the creepy tunnel. What would Drew Barrymore do?
(JOHN has already walked in and promptly fallen down a slope. JANE deftly slides down and turns on her flashlight.)
JOHN: Oooh …. Scary. This reminds me of a story… It was a period of galactic war… A brother and sister were on a mission to save all that was good in the world by…
JANE: Consistently ending up stuck in ridiculous situations? You need to fire your ghostwriter.
JOHN: I'm just saying this tunnel is cool, is all.
WREX: (Over radio) Shepard? You OK?
JANE: Yeah, we're fine. We're going to take these tunnels in your general direction and see if we can't catch up.
WREX: You want us to send a couple random crew members for commentary upon the past beauty of our civilization? It's the only time they're relevant on this mission.
JOHN: And have them interfere while I play Doom in real life? No way! (Flicks on flashlight and starts humming eerie music)
JANE: Wait, the Krogan had civilization?
WREX: (Over radio) We couldn't tell you about until now because it's a closely guarded secret.
EVE: (Over radio) In other words, we lost and it and couldn't find it again.
(Their discussion is silenced by JOHN waving his hand in the well known "Shut up, there's something up ahead" sign. He shines his flashlight on what turns out to be a dead Rachni.)
JOHN: How many times do I have to wipe these things out?
JANE: Apparently at least three.
JOHN: I wonder what killed it.
JANE: We're on Tuchanka, take your pick. Did you check the ferns?
JOHN: Weird. Come look at this painting on the wall.
JANE: Is it a mammoth?
JOHN: Sort of, if you like mammoth worms.
WREX: Probably Kalros.
JOHN: KAOS? One of our ancestors was a spy against them, you know…
JANE: Kalros. And the genes certainly carried to you.
JOHN: You mean my dashing good looks and ability to get out of every tough situation?
JANE: No, I mean your insane ability to find tough situations to get stuck in.
WREX: (Interrupting) Kalros was the mother of all thresher maws.
JOHN: You'd need one BIG bottle of tequila for that worm.
JANE: At least it's a 'was' situation. Knowing those kind of things were out there would assure I never sleep planetside again.
WREX: Er… well, we haven't seen her in a while. That doesn't mean she's… I have an idea.
EVE: Uh oh.
MORDIN: Problematic.
(The connection cuts off, and JANE & JOHN make their way through the ruins. A few reaper creatures attack them and are killed.)
JANE: Where are these coming from? Are they just scooping up dead things and saying "I'll use this later" and then just spawning them nearby for no reason?
JOHN: Hey, I'm ok with it, so long as I get to keep shooting.
JANE: Well at least they aren't coming out of the walls.
JOHN: Be nice. They said they were sorry about Dragonage 2.
JANE: That doesn't make me any less wary.
(WREX comes back online, and in-between static bursts issues rapid instructions)
WREX: Shepard! [STATIC] … up here! Have a pla [STATIC] Look out for [STATIC]! Ha ha ha!
JANE: This can't be good.
(They find some stairs that take them out into the sunlight again, overlooking a sandy plain with a temple of some sort beyond a solid stone bridge. They see WREX'S TRUCK speeding towards them with WREAV'S not far behind. JANE starts to wave, but before she can she sees something behind them, rippling the ground like a miniature earthquake.)
JANE: What did you do?!
JOHN: I didn't do anything, but I like this plan.
WREX: Over the bridge!
(JANE & JOHN follow his instructions and quickly get across. Immediately afterwards, something large and round goes by, smashing it to smithereens.)
JANE: Did you see that thing?
JOHN: Didn't look so big. I bet if we fire a shotgun in its mouth, it'll fall over.
JANE: You're insane!
(WREX'S Truck pulls up next to them.)
WREX: Get in!
JANE: (Piling in) What about Kalros? Won't she catch us?
WREX: Nah, I sent Wreav the other direction as bait.
JOHN: Smart.
JANE: Putting aside barbaric things to do your brother, won't she come after us when she's done with Wreav?
WREX: I hadn't thought of that.
MORDIN: Taken into account. Period of digestion or attack enough for second vehicle to escape to safe grounding.
JANE: Great. So why'd you attract her over here in the first place?
EVE: Without the combined attack strategy, we needed additional firepower.
EXT: TUCHANKA: ARENA: HAMMER TIME
(They all exit the truck, and MORDIN points out the lab where he & Eve have to go. WREX takes this moment to enthusiastically bear hug JOHN)
WREX: I want you to know that no matter what happens, you've been a champion to the Krogan people, a friend to Clan Urdnot, and family to me. To every Krogan born after this day, the name "Shepard" will mean "Hero"!
JOHN: (With moist eyes) I cannot tell you how this honors me.
JANE: Wait a second, what did it mean before?
EVE: Gullible dumbass. (Winces) I hope you're not upset.
JANE: No, not at all. Actually, it's pretty appropriate.
WREX: Shut up! We have generations to save!
(WREX charges off into a few unsuspecting Rachni shouting something that was probably designed to be a catchphrase. MORDIN & EVE go downstairs to the lab. JANE & JOHN look grimly ahead.)
JOHN: I'm looking forward to all the Krogan babies named after me!
JANE: Why? You hate babies!
JOHN: That way, when someone says "Shepard did it", the suspect pool will be significantly larger!
JANE: Well before we get our speeches ready, let's get this done, or the awards will all be posthumous!
(They run up the stairs towards the hammers they are supposed to activate. Sure enough, enemies line up to take a shot at them. They are lucky enough to avoid the Reaper's attention until JOHN decides to moon it after they cross a bridge. )
JANE: Why on Tuchanka did you do that?
JOHN: Huh? Isn't it "Why on Earth"?
JANE: We're not on Earth.
JOHN: Good point.
(They charge forward, dodging pink laser blasts from the Reaper. Fortunately, it seems to have trained as a stormtrooper at some point, and thus misses them at point blank range. Seeing this isn't going to work, the Reaper drops 45 Brutes in the hammer area and turns them loose.)
JANE: This is bad. This is really bad.
JOHN: Quit whining. Did you think it was going to be easy? Just let me get out Bianca. (Prepares shotgun tenderly) You see, Bianca, if you're nice, you get to play outside! KNEECAPS FOR EVERYBODY!
(Whilst JOHN is running amongst the BRUTES and causing damage, JANE runs for the hammers. She's briefly cut off by the Reaper's feet but manages to slide in when a Brute gets stepped on and leaves a gap. Time slows down in the agonizing seconds while the hammers sound. John shows up at Jane's side.)
JOHN: Is that it?
JANE: (Looking apprehensively skywards) I hope not, or we're about to be vaporized by a giant pink laser.
JOHN: Nah, all it will do on the first pass is evaporate our armor and give us leg cramps so we can barely walk.
JANE: How do you know that?
JOHN: Uh oh.
JANE: You do this every time! First you bring up something you couldn't possibly know, and then before I can get any details as to why you know it, you fake an emergency faster than a football player!
JOHN: No, I mean it this time. You feel that?
JANE: Feel what… (She notices a heavy rumbling coming from below her) Maybe we should go check on Mordin?
JOHN: Now would be good.
(Immediately as they exit the area, KALROS attacks the REAPER, latching on just under the main weapon. The Reaper tries to dislodge her but is nearly knocked down. It turns to smash Kalros into the side of the shroud, which makes Kalros retreat briefly.)
JOHN: That would be so cool.
JANE: What would?
JOHN: If we had a helicopter cam that pulled out and watched this battle rather than have us nearly get smashed by six kinds of debris.
JANE: (Narrowly avoiding being smashed by a dead Brute) Yipes! That would be nice. Duck!
(JOHN ducks down to avoid a collapsing pillar, whilst KALROS renews her attack on the REAPER from behind, wrapping herself around it and dragging it under the sand, pink light flowing everywhere.)
INT: TUCHANKA: SHROUD LAB: SAD TIME
(JANE & JOHN come bursting into the laboratory area. MORDIN is standing at the elevator, pushing the up button. Nothing is happening, save the odd piece of debris landing)
JANE: Mordin! Did you get the cure ready?
MORDIN: Yes. Loaded for dispersal in two minutes. Procedure traumatic for eve, but not lethal. Maelon's research invaluable.
JOHN: Didn't that get destroyed?
MORDIN: Maelon sent backups everywhere. Odd. Bioware let this choice remain. Expected retcon. Krogan future stability expendable? No time now. Elevator in need of repair.
JANE: Pushing the button multiple times doesn't bring it any faster, you know. Is it safe to go up?
MORDIN: Safety assured going up. Going down, problematic.
JOHN: So, what you're going to fly down? I have a parachute here for emergencies I could sell you.
JANE: (Realizing) He's not coming down.
MORDIN: Correct. Need to do this. My project. My work. My cure. My responsibility.
JANE: There's no other way?
JOHN: If only we had a sentient robot with technical expertise and secondary housing her consciousness could be transferred to.
MORDIN: Had to be me. Someone else …
(The elevator arrives and "Girl From Ipanema" interrupts MORDIN's line. JOHN shoots out the speaker)
MORDIN: Thank you. Had to be me. Someone else might have…
(The speaker crackles back to life, rendering "Yakety Sax" in horrible high pitched static)
MORDIN: (Stepping into elevator and shooting the speaker box again) Had to be me. (Elevator doors start closing) Someoneelsemighthavegottenitwrong!
(They step back and watch as MORDIN rides up solemnly. Then they have to run for it because the debris is getting far more persistent. They rendezvous with WREX at the trucks)
WREX: So he…?
JANE: (Nodding) Wait for it.
JOHN: Wait for what?
JANE: The "Good Death" song.
JOHN: Oh right, that one.
EVE: The what?
JANE: The "Good Death" theme. It plays in every vid where we're really sad about somebody dying but know their sacrifice meant something
WREX: Makes me cry every time.
(A light comes on at the tip of the Shroud device, and a visible change to the sky starts happening. As the strains of "Over the Rainbow" start to play, they all look at the sky and wipe away a tear as they remember MORDIN)
WREX: (Sniffs) Every. Freaking. Time.